Sunday, July 15, 2012

Saudades desses tempos


Saudades dos tempos em que corríamos para o telemóvel  para que, apesar de não estarmos juntas, pudessemos ver um  videoclip em conjunto. Quando uma sms não era precisa e um toque bastava para nos fazermos entender. Dos olhares confusos que nos lançavam quando de entre cinquenta canais conseguíamos descobrir o correcto. Da alegria que  aquele pequeno momento nos proporcionava. Éramos nós as únicas a fazer isto?

Saudades das horas passadas ao telefone durante as horas de almoço, no pouco tempo em que íamos a casa e não estávamos juntas. Dos almoços, dos passeios e mais tarde das viagens em que nos aventurámos. Das maluquices, dos desgostos, das gargalhadas que se soltavam por mais que tentassemos conter. Das pessoas que se tentavam opor e acabavam por se juntar a nós. Quem se lembra?

Saudades das promessas de amizade eterna. Das dedicatórias escritas todos os anos em blocos e cadernos. Dos questionários de mil e uma perguntas.  Das canetas de cores e dos cadernos organizados. Das assinaturas elaboradas e das personagens idolatradas.Dos concertos, das saídas de grupo, dos jantares de turma e de aniversário. Também os tiveste?

Saudades das brincadeiras tontas que ainda hoje não apagámos da memória. Das tardes passadas com a televisão em mute a passar videos de rap enquanto ouvíamos música pop na aparelhagem. Dos teatros, das músicas e das novelas que criávamos, gravávamos e editávamos. Das noites que passámos acordadas, das festas do pijama. Alguém consegue esquecer?

Saudades de odiar as férias e de querer voltar à escola. Do conforto de passar o dia inteiro com as mesmas pessoas, dos professores conhecerem os nossos medos, de adiar os testes vezes sem conta. De passar os intervalos na sala a jogar às cartas versões de jogos inventadas por nós. De escrever cartas a pessoas que viviam a menos de 5km de nossa casa. De não querer ir para a faculdade para não perder os amigos. Quem mais sentiu isso?

Saudades de ter mais de três meses de férias, do natal, da páscoa e do carnaval. Das apostas feitas com as notas dos testes. De quando os professores se tornavam amigos, mentores. Do descaramento em ajudar os colegas nos testes, das respostas passadas em lenços de papel. De ter ideiais, de querer mudar o mundo, de fazer a diferença. Quem partilhou estes momentos?

Saudades de ter uma equipa que para o bem e para o mal estava contigo. De lutar lado a lado com aquelas pessoas, de ter algo que nos unia mesmo que para mais ninguém fizesse sentido. De cair, lutar, chorar mas nunca desistir. De acreditar, e com cada época novo alento ganhar. De ter uma paixão, uma vida, um mundo que nos ensinou a crescer. Quem não sente falta?

Saudades do tempo em que acreditávamos em perfeição, onde tinhamos modelos, idolos que nos faziam sonhar. De sermos cinco e sermos mais equipa do que qualquer outro plantel. De nos desprezarem e de isso nos dar mais força. De vencer, de perder, de treinar mas acima de tudo jogar. Ainda te lembras do que se perdeu?

Saudades dos momentos de balneário. Dos banhos ao monte, dos chuveiros partilhados. Das roupas emprestadas, perdidas, “roubadas”. Das irmãs, mães e amigas, da família que nos rodeava. Dos trambolhões, das dores, das nódoas negras. Dos “suícidios”, das corridas esbaforidas, das revoltas. Alguma vez pensaste sentir falta?

Saudades boas, daquelas que nos fazem sorrir apenas com uma lembrança. Saudades das amizades, das irmandades e das qualidades de ser criança. Saudades do que um dia doeu mas que deixou boa marca, saudades do que nos fez chorar mas já não magoa, saudades de querer acreditar que o melhor está por vir. Saudades não de quem quer voltar atrás no tempo, mas de quem tem boas memórias. De quem apesar de ser solitária tem momentos brilhantes com quem partilhar.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Young Girl


Young girl you’ve got it in you, the strength to pull you up. The words that you were told should never else be heard. The fears that keep you strained have got to be defied. The fights that you avoid will make you that much strong, and the pain that hurts inside it will, I promise, wane. I know you cannot tell, that it’s worth when aches so bad, but trust me the day will come when you’ll learn to love yourself. And though I’ll refuse to lie, and say it’s an easy road, I want to reassure in the end there is some hope. Some people have it easy, others will have worse than you, but it never really matters or can compare to how you do. That pain that shakes your heart may not have right or reason but it doesn’t stop the fact that it breaks it all in pieces. You have to keep on focused, you have to dare to dream, because even if it’s worthless it gives you some relief. The songs, the quotes, the stories will help you find a way, to share the untold feelings and reveal unspoken words. Young girl that insist to hide, and bury it all deep inside, you have to come out clean, you’ll have to compromise. You cannot want to be, saved by someone else, what you have is to find your grip and make change for yourself. That hug, the kiss, the smell won’t fix you on their own, if you don’t make your part, can’t expect that someone will. It’s not even remotely fair that you have to overcome, these standards that you’ve set for you and no-one else.
Please dear, understand you can never let them down, the pressure that you fight is no-one’s but your own. It’s not healthy, it’s not charming, it will end up just destroying, that smile that you try to hold, even though inside you’re crying. Your head can be the best or the worst of your assets it all depends which voice you choose to listen when it matters. I can’t tell you enough how wrong, you are about yourself, how so many wish they had, all of what you hate. These things you hate the most, that you swear could live without, that’s what makes you worth of the appreciation and love. You’re special though you won’t see it, you’re big in so many ways, if I could only figure out how to show you what I say.
Young girl I know I can’t, change your mind set or take the pain, but please promise me you will not rest, until you find your way!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Que um dia



Que a noite escura nunca seja sinal de solidão
E que a mente impura não te impeça de pedir perdão
Que a tua dor não te mate por dentro
E que continues a procurar novo alento

Que esse medo que trazes contigo cesse
E que aprendas a ver quem te mererce
Que não te tornes mais um igual
E que faça sentido quando chegar ao final

Que o procuras te encha o peito
E que por fim fiques satisfeito
Que encontras o que sempre sonhaste
E pelo quê tantas lágrimas largaste

Que a tua alma nunca se torne pequena
E que tudo isto um dia valha a pena
Que o teu sol um dia possa amanhecer
Para que finalmente comecesses a viver

Saturday, July 07, 2012

And here we are again...


Note: Second one of the day. A Bit longer than usual but hopefully worth it ;)

“Let me cry, let me feel, I don't care if it's good or bad anymore, I just want to be able to feel something, because I’m so numb... I’ve been numb for years and I don't think I can stand it anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore” - she says not knowing exactly to whom she is talking about. Fear, pain, desperation, all of it at the same time, wrapped in a huge cloud that insists to take over. So many years she had been holding it inside, all the tears that she never allowed herself to cry are now leaving her eyes without hesitation as she sobs on the bathroom floor.
“I want to be more than who I am, I have to be more than who I am” - she repeats in a loop, trying to convince herself unsuccessfully, as she knows that she could never change, she doesn’t know how. Kneeled on the floor, bare naked thighs touching the cold tile, she begs for someone to come and take the pain away, for someone to pick her up and hold her, for someone to whisper to her hear that everything is going to be all right as she has been doing to others so many times during her whole life.
“You need to snap out of it, you need get a grip” - she orders herself, getting a glimpse of her reflection at the mirrored cabinet door. The redness around her puffy eyes make the blue color pop as she instinctively has to turn around to avoid facing one more failure.
“It's just a phase” - she hears the voices echoing in her head – “it gets better” - they keep promising. But when?  When and how?  How much longer does she have to wait? – “No” - she shakes her head in denial – “No, eight years can't be just a phase!”
Mad at herself for once again allowing her mind to fall this deep she starts to punch the floor ignoring the pain it is causing her and the blood dropping from her knuckles. She feels like screaming but her anal retentiveness doesn’t let go of her not even in the worst moments and though she envies people who can just scream and kick their frustrations away, she has never been able to do it. Instead, she reaches for the towel and stuffs it on her mouth in a desperate attempt to suffocate the screams that she knows won't come out. She bites it hard making the tears roll from her eyes harder and faster.
“Make it stop, please, pretty please just make it stop” - she begs looking up, even if she's not religious and is not sure to whom or what she's praying. Physically exhausted, emotionally drained, she tries to push it away again... the pain she feels inside, the way her heart aches, knowing that the only chance she has to keep herself from drowning is to shove it all away, bury it just like she has been doing for all these years.
“What do you want anyway?” - she asks to the girl in the mirror sitting right across from her – “What do you want?” - she repeats in an hardly audible whisper hoping her reflection comes up with an answer.
Defeated, humiliated and ashamed. Three more emotions she doesn't need to deal with at the moment, three more feelings to add to all the ones that are already weighting on her chest and with whom she has no clue how do deal with.
Her head is about to burst and luckily she’s running out of tears. She pulls her knees up to her chest landing her forehead on them, with her index fingers she presses her temples hard, in tiny circle movements.
“How much longer will I be able to continue with this?”- she asks herself without speaking, and few more tears manage to roll out her already closed eyes – “How much longer will I have to continue with this?”
She's still sobbing, her breath out of pace, but she's calming down. It's all still there, the pain, the fear, the loneliness but she's too tired... too tired of waiting for what's she can't believe is coming anymore, too tired of hopping it will change, too tired of fighting for something she can't see. In vain she tries to take deep breaths. With the right elbow on her knee she supports her head with her palm, as she uses her hand to softly strike her hair. The left arm crosses her body as she uses her thumb to fondle her upper arm. As sad as it is she learned to soothe herself way before...
“C'mon girl, snap out of if” - she demands to herself in the silence of her apartment – “You know better than this, you know...” - she tries, unable to complete the sentence as the reality of knowing that she will never feel the comfort of sharing her pain with someone is too hard to face right now. Uncomfortable and getting physically numb she considers moving but doesn't get around to do it. Beaten, she cries herself to sleep knowing that tomorrow she won't feel any better but that today's breakdown will allow her to fake for a little bit longer.

More real than I can tell




Sometimes I wake up from my dreams and they feel so real.  I dream lot, I always have, it was something I had to learn in my early years in order to keep my mind focused and stop it from rambling, something that became my best coping mechanism. I dream when I’m sleeping or even when I’m awake, it’s the place I go when I need to settle down and where I run to when I’m overloaded with excitement. My mind has become both my worst enemy and my best friend, as it keeps pushing me down with fears but provides me the plots that make me still believe.
I’m mostly comfortable when I’m dreaming as I learned to control where I allow my mind to travel, but every once in a while it runs wild and takes me by surprise. Every now and then I get these dreams that feel so real that I can feel all the emotions taking over me even after I wake up. They’re never the same, it can be something as simple as tight hug or a huge fight, and it’s hard to explain because I know it’s not real but I swear I can feel those arms around my shoulders, holding me as they soothe me and take my pain, just like I feel my temperature raising and my mood changing by the imaginary arguments. That split of second carries with me for a bit, while I try to decide whether I like the felling of it or not, while I decided whether is crazy to be reassured by an imaginary friend or normal that my aversion to confrontation makes me feel sick to my stomach just to dream about it. And even though the experiences are not real, the feelings are and it’s bizarre, the dichotomy as it feels good and so bad at the same time… and I don’t even begin to try to make sense of it, to figure if it’s just no-sense or if there’s a deeper meaning for all of it but in a way they make me feel so alive. All the passion, the anger, the needs and frustrations, all of it at its purest form, with no filters nor restrains.

Friday, July 06, 2012

I want to make a difference


I just want to make a difference in this world.
I’m done fighting with myself, I know I’m not going to be able to be the kind of person I want to be, but I still want to be more than what I am. I want to work on the little things without excuses, just try to be a better person. I want to take a different approach this time, instead of focusing on what I’m missing, I want to make sure I’ll do my best so other people don’t miss it too. I want to learn with it, I want it to mean something, to have a purpose.
I don’t mind being that safe place where people come home to, I don’t mind being the one drying off the tears during the late nights.
I want to make a difference.
I know I will never save the world, but who says you have to go global? Change starts right next to you, how can you aim for the world when you can’t manage you own backyard?
I want to make a difference, I want to touch someone’s life.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Images of you


The clear image of your smile pops up in my head and immediately I have to push it away. Not that I want to forget you, but my heart aches too much when I allow myself to think about all the great moments we could be having…
Meeting you was one of the best experiences of my life, and thought I don’t regret leaving, that doesn’t mean it was easy.
It changed me forever. You’ve changed me. It’s all still very recent but I can tell.
I know I will never be able to forget the lovely kisses and hugs, the cuddles, the laughs, not even the meltdowns! I couldn’t if I try, and I don’t! Still, much powerful than we like to admit, our minds recognize our weaknesses and in order to protect our soul finds its tricks to ease the pain. Mine has to block your pretty face from my brain sometimes, so I don’t dwell on what we share and manage to carry on with each day a little bit lighter. Nevertheless, there are always those days, when out of the blue I have a flashback, and even if for a second, that image pops up and I can’t help but remember how much you mean to me.


Note: I miss you so very much, my little Munchkins. 

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Para Vocês



Há coisas que fazemos sem pensar, seguindo apenas o que é  natural e nos sai fluidamente.
Escrevo em inglês não por uma questão de estilo ou de mania, simplesmente porque, por alguma razão, é nessa língua que o meu cérebro processa e através dela que consigo traçar um retrato mais fiel dos meus pensamentos. Não gosto de contrariar esta tendência, fugir ao que é confortável, mas existem momentos em que a excepção realmente vale a pena.
Este tinha de ser em português. Este tinha de ser perceptivel para todos vocês.
Quem me conhece sabe que esta aventura não foi vivida de ânimo leve. A parte da escrita foi apaixonante, mais do que alguma vez imaginei, viciante, mesmo. Foram 22 dias de escrita intensa em que esta história era tudo o que pensava durante o dia e sonhava durante a noite (ou vice-versa se considerarmos os meus turnos). A parte da partilha e divulgação contudo... foram 9 meses (só agora me apercebo que este meu bebé teve realmente 9 meses de gestação), 9 meses de muitas dúvidas e hesitações. Incertezas e ansiedades que sei que certamente, que se tivesse dependido meramente de mim, me teriam levado a negar a este livro a oportunidade de ver a luz do dia.
Não sou muito boa com pessoas, mas felizmente elas são boas comigo, e foi o estar rodeada de gente que acredita e me desafia que me levou a tomar este passo. Às vezes, mais do que alguém que oiça os nossos medos, precisamos de alguém que nos empurre do precipicio; mais do que ter alguém que acate as nossas ordens para sossegar, precisamos de alguém que continue a forçar a barra; e mais do que cedermos aos pedidos de segurança da nossa mente, precisamos de nos atirar de cabeça.
Foi um longo processo, que ainda não terminou. Um caminho nem sempre plano, mas feito de altos e baixos e alguns tropeções. Ainda é tudo um pouco surreal, ainda tremo quando oiço comentários, nas o balanço é sem dúvida positivo. Uma experiência que me ensinou muito sobre quem está à minha volta e sobre mim mesma, e ainda, me mostrou tudo o que ainda tenho de aprender. Não foi perfeito, nem ideal, nada o é, mas foi sem dúvida especial.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

It's all gray now



Do you remember when it all started? Can you recall the first time it stopped being fun and it got complicated?
I remember being a kid, when all the scary stuff was terrifying but so much clearer too.
It was so much easier when good and evil were two totally different worlds, when it was all black or white. Now there's just too many gray areas, nothing is that simple anymore. It may seem silly but there was a comfort in knowing where evil stood.
You're brought up believing that that's really all that is. That people are good or evil, that there's only right or wrong and that as long as you do what you're supposed to, everything will be okay.
Then, you grow up and you're confronted with the cold truth that life's unfair, that things are never that simple and that more often then never it's not that clear which side to chose. With your experience, you learn that no matter how hard you'll try to make it right there are things you just can't prevent from happening.
You'll long for those days where all you had to do was run to her lap and let her take care of everything. You'll miss the times when you believed her when she said It will be all right... but everything in life as its consequences, and part of growing up is to be able to stand up on your own, to manage to do the tough calls and to find a way to carry yourself the best you can while struggling with your inner doubts.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sisterhood



It always puzzled her how for some people kinship meant everything. Maybe because the way she was brought up, most certainly because of her life experience, she believed that au contraire of what’s usually said, you can chose your family… or better yet, sometimes they chose you!
It was odd at first, she had to confess, having a stranger suddenly deciding that she was her sister. The girl was just two, and very cute too, but a stranger never the less. They had only met once, and she hadn’t even spent that must time with the kid, but for some reason that she couldn’t understand, the girl decided to make her her big sister.
Despite all the awkwardness of the situation and her inability to connect to people, she found out soon that without an effort the kid had won her heart and that without putting up a fight, the walls that she had built around herself had fallen down. Their relationship kept growing stronger, she knew the girl looked up to her like nobody else and even though she wouldn’t admit it, it felt good to mean that much to someone. What no-one else knew is how much she admired the little girl too and how proud she was to be a big sister.
Regardless the age difference they shared similar passions and more important than that, learnt a lot from eachother. She could be older, wiser, and more experienced, but the girl taught her something that no-one before had been able to, she taught her that it was okay to let people know she loved them.
They were more than a decade apart, and yet, they were draw to the same things, capture the same details and shared their little obsessions. She had never thought about how alike they were, after all, they were different in so many ways, and it wasn’t until the girl start pointing things they had common and saying “see, that’s why we are sisters” that she realized that the reason why it was so easy to make her happy, and to know exactly how to make her smile, was because after all, and despite they each had their own quirkiness’s, the girl was an younger and improved version of herself.

To my little Chezza, I love you, that is all!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Nobody knows



Nobody knows the real me
Nobody gets to see what's inside
No-one understands the pain I see
Or all I have to leave behind

Nobody can see through my smile
Look me in the eyes and go past the lies
Nobody dreams I cry myself to sleep
And beat myself down so deep

Nobody knows how long ago I lost hope
How many times I had to held back my tears
Nobody knows how I strive for ways to cope
Dreaming someday I'll beat this fears

Nobody knows how I fear to let people down
And how I'm always on the edge of a meltdown
Nobody knows how often I pretend to be strong
Even though deep inside it feels so wrong

Nobody knows the thoughts that run through my head
And how I fight not to feel so sad
Nobody knows how I really feel
Or how I wish these dreams were real

Nobody is able to see the real me
And I don't think no-one will ever be
Nobody knows the real me
And no-one's to blame... except for me!

Friday, June 15, 2012

I write for myself



I write for myself, first and foremost. It’s probably one of the only things I truly just do for myself, not thinking how others are going to feel about it, or how they will see it.
I write because it helps me. It keeps me company, it keeps me sane. I write because it helps me fill the void I have inside and disguise the loneliness and the pain that keep on hunting me.
I write because if I can’t talk to anyone I have to be able to at least talk to myself. Writing keeps me focused, forces me to think and “say” what I don’t want to or am not confortable with.
I happen to believe that writing doesn’t have to be a gift or a talent. It doesn’t have to be neat, and clear and perfect… it just have to be honest.
Different people will read into things differently, no matter what. They may interpreter something you wrote in ways you never thought about, and I like that. I don’t mind if what I write is not exactly what people see when they read it. If they find a new meaning for it, if it helps them, if somehow they can connect to it, that’s great.
I write for myself, first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate other people’s interest in my work. I write for myself, but if on top of that I can get the thrill of touching someone’s soul, that’s amazing!
Writing was a part of my “private little world” that in the past I wouldn’t dare to share with anybody. But time goes by, you grow up and realize that there are things no-one can take away from you, and that maybe some people deserve that you make the effort to show them a little bit more of who you truly are.
I write for myself and this sharing thing hasn’t come easily. I still have doubts and fears, but because I challenged myself to do it, I also know now that some people do appreciate this other side of me.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Love transcends death

In Memory of MF

I’ve always had these odd things where I picture bizarre scenarios in my mind. I think it’s because I don’t like the unknown and I like to believe that I’ll be ready for whatever comes. So, yes, I had thought about it before, how I would react to losing someone… How I would cope with death…

I was blessed not to have to deal with it when I was younger… I still am, considering that you were the only one I ever had to watch go. I remember like it was yesterday, me at 19 trying to be all grown up, trying to keep myself together and explain to them what death was, when I wasn’t sure I understood the concept myself.

It didn’t get me right away. I think I was numb at first, just trying to deal with everyone else’s pain, trying to keep myself busy and make myself useful. I don’t like people and I’m not good with feelings, so I always wondered if it would ever really get to me. And maybe it was because I never had to deal with it before, or because as always, I kept it all inside, but I surprised myself when, more than once, I woke up crying in the middle of the night because again you insisted in popping up in my dreams.

Human mind has its tricks and it works in curious ways. I know we shared lots of moments - concerts, holidays, family dinners… and I know that, unlike other people that tend to become less available when they grow up, most of times I was there. But still, the first thing that came to my mind when I heard what happened (and that still does everytime I think about it) is that the very last time you met us for dinner, I didn’t stay. I went to this birthday party I didn’t even felt like going to, of someone that later showed not to be that worthy… little did I know that that would be the last time I would see you. I don’t like to dwell in the past, I don’t want to be one of those people who live for the memories, and rationally I know I can’t blame myself for that, and that after all those years, that last night wouldn’t really made a difference, but still…  

I don't want, however, remember you with sadness, because that would be unfair, to diminish all you were to that one moment when you left. So, I try to focus on the bright side, what you taught us, what you shared with us, and the two wonderful little ones that you left us.

It’s been 5 years… So much as changed and yet, everything is the same… Your death didn’t just change me, I feel it changed the family, it changed the dynamic and as cliché as it may sound, reminded us what really matters. Therefore, no matter what comes our way or how we end up, how we celebrate it or burry our pain, I know that each of us, in our own special way will remember you forever, because

“Love transcends death [and] the people we love touch our lives, even after they're gone”*




* By Michael T. Weiss as Jarod In The Pretender

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

It's the way you call my name



And it’s the way you call my name and look me in the eyes. How you strip my guard down and make the world a safe place. It’s the feeling that arouses in me the desire to have you to me.
I love when you gently touch my hand and say so much without a word, and how you know what’s bothering me even before I do.
Don’t want to miss the warmness of your kiss or the embrace of your arms.
Forgive me if I can’t tell anyone but I can’t even tell it to myself, as the perfection of it makes me fear it’s not real.

Monday, May 28, 2012

“If my friends believe in me enough to see me this way, then... I don't know, maybe anything is possible” *


Funny how perspective changes things, how different points of view can see the same thing in such different light. It never stops to amaze me the huge gap you find sometimes between what people think about someone and how that person sees herself.
There are people with big egos, that no matter what will always think they're right, will always think they're better, even thought no-one else sees it and everybody wonders why.
On the other hand it's not unusual to find amazing people that seem to have no clue how awsome they are. And no matter how many times you'll tell them, or how many times they “win”, they will never be able to trully believe in it.
You can't change the way someone sees herself. You can help, you can provide them a favorable environment to improve their self perception, but ultimately the change has to come from the inside. Having said that, I still think it's important that you try, that you make sure they know how you see them, because wether people admit it or not, it feels good to feel the support., and even if deep inside it still doesn't make sense or you still can't believe it, if they keep saying it, eventually you start to wonder if there could be a chance that there's some truth in what they see.

* Title by Lea Michelle as Rachel Berry in Glee S03e19


Thursday, May 24, 2012

A Glimpse of Happiness – The making of…


Find more about A Glimpse of Happiness

It all started as a joke, someone saw me writing and ask if I was writing a book, and the funny thing is that he was being serious. I had never pictured myself writing an entire book, but after that moment the idea started to linger in my head. I had just recently gone back to my writing, I was bored to death and  I had to sit 8 hours a day in front of a computer with little to do so I figure I could give it a shot. For years I had been hoarding these plots on my mind, so why not try to do something with them.

Very unlike everything I do, I didn’t put much thought in it, I didn’t plan ahead, I just started to put in paper what was coming out of my head, really just letting it flow.  I started it on the 9th of September and 22 days later it was done. I never thought it could be so addictive but all I could think about, day and night, was that book and all that I wanted to put in it. It was all very clear in my head, it was just a matter of typing it and hoping it would make sense.

While I was writing the book, another friend told me I should publish it, which was something that would have never crossed my mind and that I had mixed feelings about, so I decided not to think about it until it was done. Oddly enough, once I finished, I was quite pleased with the final result and felt almost… proud for what I had done (which is very unusual). I was glad I had done it but I was yet to figure out that the biggest challenge wasn’t putting one of my stories on paper but to actually share them with other people. Therefore, I put my little project in a drawer, where it stayed for a few months…  Luckily the few people that knew that I had wrote the book didn’t let me forget about it. They kept pushing me, asking me about it, trying to allure me to let them read it.

There were moments I would convince myself to do it, but then I would change my mind, I needed a bigger reason, something that wouldn’t allow me to get cold feet, and that’s when the idea of making this a part of the Operation: Let's Build a House came up. I have been trying to raise money for this family in Mozambique and I figured I could use this book to try to get some contributions too. This decision forced me to publish it, because now not doing it, didn’t just mean I was losing an opportunity for myself, it meant that I might be wasting a chance to help someone that needed it. I also decided to translate the book to Portuguese in order to be able to reach more public and hopefully get more help to the family from Mozambique.

Monday, May 21, 2012

FINALLY: A GLIMPSE OF HAPPINESS!


It’s finally here! I could burst with excitement/nerves, it’s feels so surreal… but time has come for you all to meet A Glimpse of Happiness, the very first (and only) book I ever wrote. 



Aqui está ele finalmente! Não sei se excitada ou aterrorizada... mas finalmente chegou a altura de vos apresentar Um Vislumbre de felicidade, o primeiro (e único) livro que escrevi.




My first book is now available:


A Glimpse of Happiness (Original - English) – Order

Um Vislumbre de Felicidade (Portuguese) – Encomendas

The profits will revert to Operation: Let's Build a house, so you’ll be helping a good cause too!



Os lucros revertem para a Operação: Fazer uma casa, portanto também estarão a ajudar uma boa causa!

The moment is now, after all the struggling with myself it’s finally time that I share A Glimpse of Happiness with all of you, wishing only that you can enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Let me know what you think (or not, because I’ll be embarrassed lol). 



Depois de muitas batalhas comigo mesma chegou a altura de partilhar Um Vislumbre de Felicidade com todos vocês esperando apenas que desfrutem tanto lê-lo como eu desfrutei escrevê-lo. Digam-me o que acham (ou não porque vou ficar sem jeito lol).


Special Thanks to:

- Gonçalo, for stalking me unstoppably until I gave him a chance to read it;

- Annee, for all the comments posted here regularly that (almost) make me believe I can write;

- Sarah, for helping me reviewing the English version;

- Bagaça, not that she needs a reason, but for helping me reviewing the Portuguese version;

- Raquel, for not giving me the chance to not publish it and acting like it was the only natural thing to do.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Hiatus



I hate this part of the year when all my favorite Tv series go on hiatus. Maybe it's because it has always been so much easier for me to live other people's/character's lives than my own. Maybe it's because my quirkiness towards people and relationships arouses in me a fascination and almost obsession to analyze, dissect and desperately try to understand its logic, its meaning.
That's how I started to dream, and later to write, I think... at least that's how I remember it. By being inspired by those little details that in my head were never explored enough.
I like when a show grows with you, when it makes you think, when it's interesting enough to make you zone out, when it transports you back and makes you remember special moments and feelings you almost forgot.
I'm not one of those people you'll be desperately craving for the next episode to see what comes next (okay, maybe sometimes), usually I develop my own parallel stories, all I need is some fuel... I do however like how these things keep me entertained, more even, busy! So during these months I always have to work a bit harder to find a new things to keep this rambling mind of mine occupied so that it doesn't get (too) lost.  

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Trips, hugs and missing you


Hi everyone,

First of all let me apologize for not coming here so regularly the last couple of weeks but there are moments in your life you really have to take a step back and enjoy the moment. As much as I LOVE to write I use it most of the time as an escape, a way to zone out of the real world. To me writing was never a hobby it was always a need, something I had to do to keep (some of) my sanity, so when I do have those rare moments when I don’t feel the urge, or even remember to do it I take them, because no matter how great of a dreamer or a writer a person can be, those thoughts will never warm one’s heart the same way a real experience will.

I just came back from my holidays, where me and my friend (who I met since I was 3!) spent 17 days in the USA. It was her first time out of Europe and she was really excited to get to know this “new world”, to me, more than the places (that I already knew) I was excited to be able to get to see some very special people.

I’m not the type who gets easily attached to people. I can go months without talking or seeing someone that I care and not really miss them. I’ve lived abroad before and even though I loved coming back to all my friends, I can’t say that being without them lingered around my head while I was gone. Now that I think about it I think it was because I knew exactly for how long I would be away, and I knew I would see them again after that, but there’s something about not knowing if, or when I’ll be seeing someone again that makes me miss them even before I have to leave them.

During this period that I was away, I re-learned something that somehow I seem to keep forgetting, and that is that you don’t have to be a contestant presence in someone’s life to matter or even be remembered, and that no matter how young or old the other part is, if you’re really important, no matter the distance, it will all come back to them once you’re there again. I didn’t expect them to remember me that well… I didn’t expect it to feel so natural, so…. Good! But it was almost like I had never left and as selfish as it can be, I can’t denied that a part of me melted when they asked me to come back and never leave again…

It’s funny because I tend to be really awkward around people I’m not familiar with or that I don’t see frequently. I’m not a people person, therefore, I need time to work my skills to build and maintain a relationship.  I don’t have that gift of always knowing what to do or what to say, but somehow with these 3 groups of people that we stayed with it has always been very easy to adjust.

I love to travel but hate that the world is so big! I hate that it’s not easy to find people so kind and that when you do sometimes you have to deal with the fact that they are miles away from you.  We had a blast during these days and what I loved the most is the feeling of growing a little bit closer to these people with each trip. It may seem silly but it’s reassuring the idea that it is possible to have long distance friends (almost second families).

Anyways… This was mostly to let you know that I’m back now and will most likely be posting more frequently and to thank once again to those who made this trip so fun and special. Can’t wait to hug you all again J

Thursday, May 03, 2012

I remember you!


One sentence it’s all you need sometimes… 3 words it’s all it takes, and it doesn’t even have to be “I love you”. 

One quote and suddenly all the fears are gone. One second and it’s all perfect.The simplicity of how you said it, the timing, the smile on your lips as you pronounced it, not having a clue how much it meant to hear those words.

“I remember you”, sometimes we don’t need to hear we’re loved, or special… Sometimes all you need is to know you’re not forgettable. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You don't have to be alone


You don't have to be alone. 
When the world seems to turn it's back on you and everybody is pushing you down. I'll be here.
You don't have to be alone.
No matter how deep you fall or how dark is that place where you are. I'll get there.
You don't have to be alone.
There's no distance I can't shorten, nor time that can break us apart. I'll be there.
You don't have to be alone, though I know it's how you feel.
You don't have to be alone and I'll tell you until it's real.
You don't have to be alone 'cause I will always be here.
You don't want to be alone so just please let me get near. 

Saturday, April 21, 2012

IMAGINE...


IMAGINE...
Life could become what you want it to be.

THINK...
How everything would be so different.

FEEL...
The confort it would bring to your broken heart.

DREAM...
About how great it would all be.

REALIZE...
That part of what makes a wish so desirable is the fact that it's not real!


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

About time - Introducing A Glimpse of Happiness


Not sure if I’m excited, nervous or terrified... but it appears that it’s becoming real. After all the delays and long lasting hesitations I finally managed to set a release date for my first book. A Glimpse of Happiness (Um Vislumbre de Felicidade, in portuguese) is set to debut and be available to the public on the 19th of May.

More details will become available with time, but for now, I just wanted to give you a glimpse of it (pun intended):

It should look something like this

   - It will have both an English and a Portuguese version, and will be available in paper and digital format.

   - The prices should start at €3.99 for the digital version and €14.99 for the paper version.
  
   -  All profits will revert to Operation: Let’s Build a House
   
   - For pre orders please leave a comment below, twit me or inbox me and I’ll be in touch.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Does it hurt to know?


When we met no-one could have guessed
That in the quirkiness of our minds
We would build a friendship so hard to find


But somehow we made our way
And unconsciously defied the odds
Finding in eachother someone who got our thoughts


Then you snapped out of the blue
And that was the day
It all started to go the wrong way


And when you look back
Does it hurt you to know
That we didn’t have to let go?


I could see us falling apart
I fought the best I could
But it ended on your terms, like I knew it would


I tried to show you, you were wrong
But what is the use in what I say?
Nothing could convince you to stay


I couldn’t stand your indifference
So finally I just decided I had had enough
But who could tell it would be so tough?


And when you look back
Does it hurt you to know
That we didn’t have to let go?


Through the pain I built myself up
The tears I fought to refrain
And strived to got up on my feet again


In the end I had to move on
And our story try to forget
So don’t you come now saying that you regret


And when you look back
Does it hurt you to know
That we didn’t had to let go?


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Feeling Special & Being Special


Note:

Hi lovelies :)

This is the piece that won me 2nd place at my first ever contest writting. It's a bit long but I hope you enjoy it!


Being special is not about being perfect; it’s about making a difference in someone’s life. A special person is someone who makes you smile through the worst, the first one you call when your world starts to collapse, and the first you think of when you hear good news. To be special is not something you can attempt, it’s something that comes naturally, without even trying. It’s something you reach by being noble, honest, and true to yourself.

Some people are just special and they captivate others. They are genuine, pure, nice, and spontaneous. No, they’re not perfect, they have flaws, they make mistakes but there’s something about them. Something you’re not quite able to put your finger on or explain. It doesn’t matter anyway; some people just have the gift of being incredibly likeable. They don’t try to please everyone, but it just naturally happens. They don’t have to try to be funny or stand out because it will inevitably happen. Some people come into our lives unannounced and when you notice them it’s too late, they’ve already stolen your heart. These people have no clue how great they are and how much their friendship brings into your life. Some people are so unbelievably irresistible that they can get even the most skeptical person to stand by them no matter what. It’s like not matter how much they tried, that person could never do anything wrong to make you want to push them away. Sometimes there’s just that click and you know. You know that no matter what life brings or what may happen between the two of you, or even if for some reason you grow apart, it doesn’t matter because that person will always have a special place in your heart.

We can’t guess what makes someone special. There’s no definition for it, it’s not something you can describe or even understand. We all had that moment when we felt drawn to someone who rationally we never thought would appeal to us. It doesn’t matter for how long you’ve met them or how much you know about them. The different values and ideas don’t seem to matter because in the end for whatever reason you feel connected to that person. The fact that you cannot predict whom you’re going to meet and how you’re going to feel about someone is the beauty of life, that’s what makes everything interesting.

Underrating people tends to happen sometimes. The truth is everybody has something special in him or her; everybody is special in his or her own way for somebody. Yes, everyone is special, but there’s a big difference between being special and feeling special. Unfortunately some of the most amazing people never truly realize how special they are. Everyday I hear stories about incredible people who somehow never got a chance to feel special. People with incredible hearts, amazing values, and people that meant the world to so many others, for one reason or another never truly felt appreciated.

There’s a difference about feeling special and being special because the first one relates to the way you feel and the other to the way you truly are and what you represent to others. Feeling special is not so much about how great you are, but how you perceive yourself. It’s about the way you feel about yourself, about life.
Nobody feels special all the time. As human beings we’re unsatisfied by nature.  We always want more, we’re constantly craving for something else. What we have to learn is to enjoy the moments that we have. We have to bear in mind that these glimpses of happiness are the best we can get.

William Shakespeare said that, "Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable” and we can apply the same principle here. Whether we admit it or not we all want to feel special. Some of us may have a hard time believing that we are worth it, that we deserve it. People may pretend they don’t care because they’re afraid to get hurt or to be disappointed but deep inside I guarantee you the wish is there. To feel special is not a luxury or a whim it’s a need, actually it’s a right! To feel unique, to feel useful, to feel loved. No one should go through life without ever experiencing these feelings.

So how does it come? How can we reach that feeling? How can we get to that place?

Truth is there are no formulas or guidelines. We can think about it, write about it, or sing about it as much as we can, but we will never be able to find an answer. It’s not a science, it’s subjective; it’s about emotions and feelings, not theories or explanations.

As it’s related to what we feel and who we are, when we think about “being special” or “feeling special” we tend to put ourselves in the center of the question, to consider only the way other people act toward us. However, what I have realized is that the easiest and most rewarding way to feel special is by helping someone to feel special too. By focusing on someone else’s needs, by helping them get through their problems and understand how much we care, we can get there. More than to hear someone tell you how great you are or how much you mean to him or her sometimes all you need is to feel that you have a purpose. That you’re not useless or disposable, that there are things that only you can do. So maybe you’re not the best singer in the world, you’ll never be a best-seller writer or win a gold medal, but at some point you may be the only one who can mitigate someone’s pain.

To me, being special is not about the big moments, it’s about the small ones. It’s all on those little gestures, in the details that everybody else seems to be oblivious to. It’s all in that smile that reassures you everything will work out eventually, in that kiss that tells you to hold on just a little bit longer. It’s in that special hug that keeps you from breaking apart; it’s on that uncontrollable laugh that you share when all is gone.

To feel special has a lot to do with the way you relate to people and develop your relationships. No one will ever have the ability to make you feel good about yourself, to make you feel unique and amazing as the people who are around you. By being surrounded by special people you tend to learn from them. By getting a taste of how good it feels to be noticed, to be cared, you too will feel the urge to make that impact in someone’s life. When you stop doing it to pursue that title and you start doing it for the simple pleasure of watching someone smile is when you’ve actually found the right path. Those altruistic actions, that selfless attitude are what will make you special in the long run. Eventually it will become so natural that you won’t even notice it anymore, and to me that’s part of the charm. More often than not these people have no idea how great they are. It’s not because they’re faking humbleness, it’s because it’s something that comes so naturally to them that doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore.

We all want to feel special, but can we even identify what we need to feel it? It’s such a transversal subject. You can feel special because you’re the best in class, because you’re a team’s leader, because you’re the prettiest, or the smartest, or simply the most recognized.  Then there are the other, not so logic or clear reasons. Like when you feel special when, your usually quiet and calm best friend snaps at you for no reason, because it only means that she trusts you enough to know that you’ll never leave her side. When you get pulled out of your graduation party to console a broken hearted friend, because apparently no one could do it as well as you. When having to get up in the middle of the night to guarantee there’re no monsters under the bed doesn’t hurt half as much because you know no one else could give them that peace of mind. To feel special you don’t have to feel that you’re the best; most times you just need to feel that you matter.

Despite how special someone is we all have insecurities and fears. We all have those days when we just want to runaway and hide. Days when it’s hard to keep it together, days when you doubt if someone really cares, and if anyone would miss you if you were gone. Days when you seem unable to get it right and you hate every trace of you. It’s uncannily though, how twisted things are. How the features you hate about yourself can be the ones that make you special to the eyes of someone else. To feel special you have to have someone who makes you feel good and likes who you are. Someone who not only knows, but praises those little peculiarities you always wished you could change about yourself. You feel special when you know that people believe and rely on you.  You feel special when you understand that there must be something good in you if they keep coming back. You’ll feel special once you understand that you can’t take criticism too seriously, that it’s impossible to please everyone, that’s it’s okay to make mistakes, and that failing won’t take away your value.

People around you play a crucial role in how you turn out, what you become, and how you see yourself. Your family, your friends, your lovers, all of them have their own share of credit when it comes to making you feel special. The truth of the matter is that no matter how much they love you, or how much they care you’ll never be able to feel special until you accept yourself. You can have all the support in the world, but you won’t feel special unless you understand that you deserve it and allow yourself to feel it, because ultimately the power to feel special relies in your hands.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Friends



Even without trusting people that much or being that sociable, I have had my fair share of friendships. Most of them were amazing and all certainly worth it, because in one way or another they all taught me something.

With some people the connection is obvious, you have the same interests, same values, same tastes, with others however, you’re so different from eachother that no matter how hard you try to break down the reason you’ll never be able to explain why you get along so well.

Over the years I’ve learnt that there are no equal relationships, not with lovers nor with friends. I understood that I can’t compare what I feel for two different people or have the same expectations regarding all my friends. I know now that some of them will always end up losing touch or postponing our meetings when they claim to miss us some much, and I don’t take it personally anymore, because I’ve learnt to accept that it doesn’t mean they’re not being honest when they say they care, it’s just who they are.

There was a period in my life I was terrified with the idea of not being with my friends everyday, because in my mind, no matter what promises would be made we would end up apart. If I had had a choice, I would have never changed the circumstances, but gladly sometimes life forces us out of our comfort zone only to teach us to have more faith in the relations we build. I would be lying if I said things didn’t change, but with those people the friendship remained, and even though we all grew in so many ways, we haven’t grown apart and are pretty sure now that we won’t.

The next lesson wasn’t that easy to cope with, and it happen when I realized that, not only special bonds don’t last forever, sometimes they end abruptly. It’s one thing to lose someone because the friendship slowly faded away, but it’s a bit tougher when you have to let go of something that you truly appreciated and used to make your day. To try to avoid the pain, I think it’s normal that you go through a denial stage, when you try to be oblivious to it, where you try to convince yourself that it wasn’t that special or that you didn’t care about that person that much. Eventually though, I found that it was much healthier to admit to myself that I had to let go, not punishing myself or the other person for what could have been done differently, but being happy because even though it was over I did get a chance to experience those moments.  

I also used to think that a true friend had to be someone I had known for years and that had to be in my live constantly, but now I know that there are people in your life that somehow just touch your heart and no matter how long you’ve met, what the future holds or how long you’re apart you’ll always have a special feeling for. Those special people that for some reason you just click with, that tend to get you without too many words and that very easily steal a place in your heart. The same ones that you may not speak with for months but that with just one text message can bring back all the joy.

There aren’t too equal friendships, but they all bring something into our lives. Hopefully most of them will bring you happiness, trust, laughs and love but even if they make your heart ache and your mind doubt, try to focus on the good part. If you had relationship with someone, you must have shared good moments, so don’t feel miserable about it, or not happy, just embrace it and move on, and remember, there’s nothing like the feeling of sharing a loud laugh, an intimate look or a tight hug with a friend. 

It all starts today

It’s time to do something for yourself
It is time to take ownership of your life
And stop making excuses not to change.

Enough of postponing what can be done today,
Enough with procrastination and self-pity,
Only you have the power to change yourself.

No more of these senseless dreams,
No more of hopping things to change,
It’s time to get active and do it different.

No-one is saying it will be easy,
No-one is saying you won’t doubt or fear.
But if, for once, you’ll believe, you’ll do it.

You’re stronger than you think
Braver than you see yourself
And you’ll make it there, I know!

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Dreams and Fairytales


I wish I could tell you how much of a difference you make in my life,
And how it brightens my day to see you come my way.

I wish you would know how your cuddles lift me up when I’ down,
And how I long to have your presence by my side.

I wish I could share with you every single moment of my life,
And be just half as special to you as you are to me.

I wish you would understand that no-one else gets me like you do,
And that I love knowing you’ll help me get through.

I wish I could show you what it means to have someone to trust,
And that will follow me wherever I lead.

I wish I could thank you for taking the pain away every time I get torn,
And be strong enough to help me overcome.

I wish I could always carry that warm fuzzy feeling of your hugs,
And the safety network that is your love.

I wish I could find a way to make myself forget this fantasy,
So I don’t have to hurt with everything I’m missing.

Friday, April 06, 2012

Just because


Just because I don't say anything, that doesn't mean I don't notice everything.

Just because I don't force them on you, it doesn't mean that I don't have opinions.

Just because I don't fight or yell, it doesn't mean I don't care.

Just because I don't run, that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

Just because you don't see my tears, it doesn't mean I don't cry everyday.

Just because I can't allow myself to think of it, that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

Just because I don't show it, that doesn't mean it doesn't get to me.

Just because I don't shout it out loud, it doesn't mean I don't treasure you.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

I love this game


Such a good feeling when you get to do something you’ve always loved but haven’t had the opportunity to do in a while!

I know distance it's said to tear people apart and make you forget things you like, but somethings just don’t change. The true passions in your life can’t be erased neither by distance nor obstacles. They may be put aside for periods of time but when you have a chance to do them again it all comes back to you in a flash. You’ll be drawn to it like you had never left.

It’s easy to overlook the little joys in life, to take for granted what you have. It’s even easier to try to forget how much you love something that you can’t do anymore in order to cope with it, but no matter how much you lie to yourself, once you’re confronted with it you won’t be able to deny how happy you are to have it back. It’s only when you get to play it again that you realize how much you’ve missed it. It’s addictive, it’s inexplicable the feeling of pure pleasure that can come along with something as simple. There’s nothing that compares to the feeling of having that basketball in your hands again, to take a shot and hear that “swish”…

And yes, you meet amazing people, and being a part of a team is one of the best experiences you can have, but even if you take all of that away and just focus on the game itself you will still be able to feel the magic, and you’ll know it when you notice that just by entering the court you already have a smile on your face.

I love this game, because when it’s good it’s great but what makes it special is that even when it’s bad it’s still good!