Monday, March 14, 2016

Which way to go

Sometimes I have this feeling that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life… no, let me rephrase that. On rare occasions I feel like I’m doing just what I should be doing. The rest of the time is filled with unanswered questions and uncertainties. And maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, maybe that’s what pushes us forward but even if just for a while I’d like to get to a place where I’m content, where I can just be in the moment. Without thinking about the future or how I can make it work in the long run.
There’s so much left to do, to say. I’m curious about so many different areas, and yes, some of them are completely random and most likely I’ll probably never get to experience like job shadowing a pediatric surgeon or a theatre/tv show director or pick the brains of a real life detective or a writer (yes these are real examples) the point is, there’s just so many opportunities and at the same time, not enough. I can see them from a far, but don’t ever seem able to find how to reach them.

Minutes turn into hours, days turn into weeks, the years go by and I can’t find myself any closer to it than I was before. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t know what it is… I know what I don’t what to do, and I think I know who I want to become… there are just so many ways to get there that I have to wonder how I can be certain I chose the right one. 

Saturday, March 12, 2016

You used to be my joy, my pride. Through the ups and downs. Right from the start, you were the only one that could tick me off, because you were the one that knew just what buttons to push. We’ve been through so much already, there was a point I think I hated you and I used to think that was the worst that could happen… I was wrong. At least then I felt something, now I look at you and all I feel is emptiness.
It’s like you used up all my anger, finished up the stock of disgust… and now there isn’t much left. There’s no hope. I try, I want to believe, what’s the alternative? But if I’m being honest I don’t. It’s not real, deep down I don’t believe in anything anymore.
I don’t like our pictures hanging on the wall. I can tolerate the old ones because despite the nostalgia, the innocence of our smiles makes it worth it. It reminds me of the times where despite the arguments all was simple. The current ones I can’t stand. I keep them, because I’m afraid one day I might regret, but I can’t stand those smiles starring back at me, because they mean nothing now, they are lies. Maybe I should seize those moments as they become more and more rare, but I can’t just put everything else aside. I’ll always wonder what it means… if it’s real or mere manipulation. Truth is you make me question your every move.
Everything is a battle for you. Always you against the world in your head. And the ironic thing is… I don’t ever remember this family being so united for anything else but you. 
There were times I would lose sleep over this, that I’d cry… but I don’t get mad anymore… I’m just so tired now. Tired of the same lies, the same fights, the same empty conversations, tired of not knowing what else to do or say, tired of feeling useless and tired of feeling guilty, not being enough.

Maybe it’s where this all comes from… Maybe the reason I keep moving is to get away from it all, maybe I just can’t call home to a place I share with someone that I used to know. Maybe this need to understand the human mind comes from not understanding yours. Maybe this urge to make a difference and save the world is my way of coping with not being able to save the one I cared the most.