From: 13.04.2014

It’s coming. I can fell it.

I’ve been deflecting, it seems to work for a while, but it keeps coming back, and I’m so tired… so tired of these tides, so tired of having to fight them over and over again. And I’ve been fighting, I swear I have, but I don’t seem able to push them away for good.

I won’t go as far as saying that I’ve been good, but I’ve been okay. I’ve been paying attention to the symptoms. I’ve been ignoring the voices in my head that need to be ignored, but though I try to hear only the good ones, I don’t seem able to convince myself to believe them.

And the worst part is that it has been good, I’m doing things, I had a good day, and yet I feel this pain inside, this hole that threatens to swallow me any minute.

And I know it’s me, it’s all me. But why?

I’ve been to so many places, done so much, so why can’t I work this out? Why can’t I get rid of these moods? Why do I have to lose it like this every once in a while? Why can’t I just shake it off?

I don’t go as deep as I used to, but some days I just feel like crying life if there was no tomorrow. 

It's worth it!/Vale a pena!

It’s for moments like this that we do what we do. This is what keeps us going. This is what makes me be certain of the choices I have made. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth it. When you see the huge difference, only a few days can make. When you see the smile on their faces as soon as they see you. When you see the appreciation in their parents eyes. When you hear how thankful they are for your presence in their kids’ life.

When the girl that wouldn’t let go of her mom’s hand drops everything and comes running to you as soon as you arrive, and then you discover that her parents were worried because their toddler has a barrier with people. When she hugs you so close that the language barrier means nothing. When she just look you in the eyes and smile, telling what words could never express.

Thank you little Asia!

Vale a pena!

É por momentos como estes que fazemos o que fazemos. É o que nos move. É isto que me faz estar certa das escolhas que fiz. Nem sempre é fácil, mas sem dúvida que vale a pena. Quando vês a diferença que apenas alguns dias podem fazer. Quando vês o sorriso na cara deles assim que te veem. Quando vez a gratidão no olhar dos seus pais. Quando ouves o quanto estão agradecidos pela tua presença na vida dos seus filhos.

Quando aquela menina que não largava a mão da mãe, larga tudo e vem a correr para ti assim que chegas, e depois descobres que os pais estavam preocupados porque ela tem uma barreira com pessoas. Quando ela te dá um abraço tão apertado que a barreira linguística deixa de existir. Quando ela simplesmente olha nos teus olhos e sorri, dizendo o que as palavras nunca poderiam expressar.

Obrigada pequena Asia!

Never written letters

I’ve been meaning to write you for a while now. There’s so much to tell, and I don’t know where to start.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future. There are so many things I need to know and don’t know who to ask… Guess nothing changed there.

A few days ago I stumbled, and I feared the worst, but I managed to get back on my feet again soon. I think I’m getting better at fighting it. The rabbit hole doesn’t seem so powerful anymore.

You should be proud to know that I reached out to a couple of people. Shyly and in disguised, but it’s a start.

The future is still scary, mostly because it’s unknown, but I don’t seem to freeze anymore.

The waves of panic are less common now, and I can almost believe them when they say I will make it.

I’ve always heard that with age comes tranquility, or maybe, with time, you just learn to pick your fights. Don’t know each one is true, but I finally seem to be getting less uncomfortable with the outside world.

My dreams haven’t changed much, but I have, and somehow now they seem a little bit more possible. I always felt like I hadn’t found my place in the world, and it wasn’t until recently that I started to think that maybe I just need to create it. Just because your dreams don’t fit in a pre-designed box, it doesn’t mean that you can’t wrap them nicely and be successful.

I have to go now, time is short. It always is, even though some days seem endless. I just wanted to let you know that maybe, just maybe, things will be all right.