Loyalty

What is loyalty?

To whom we owe it?

How far can we take it?

How far should we take it?

Some people win our loyalty naturally. They're sweet, they're genuine, they're just good people. They are people we love and care about and that we couldn't let down. People that no matter what happens know that we have their back. People who we would even consider to betray. It's easy to be loyal to those people.

But what happens when that's not the case?

What to do if someone that you don't particulary like or are not particulary close to tells you something private? Or if you find out something that you think other people should know but that are been kept secret?

Do you have a right to tell?

What if whatever it is generates conflict?

If the line between your loyalty to one person and the other is so fine that you're not able to see it clearly. Do you have the right to choose the one you love the most and break someone else's trust?

And if you've never asked to be trusted with anything to start with? Does it still count? Are you still supposed remain hush?

Who are you to decide who deserves loyalty and who doesn't?

Is it fair to deny loyalty to someone? Doesn't everybody deserve a chance?

“A vida seria melhor sem...”

 Note: Again I apologize to all international readers but there’s no translation for the word “saudade” so this one really had to be written in Portuguese.

Há pouco alguém pedia para completar a frase “A vida seria melhor sem...” ao que alguém respondeu “saudades” e fez-me pensar.

“Saudade” é um conceito tão vago... há saudades e saudades. Há a saudade dos momentos felizes do passado, saudades daquelas pessoas que nem sabemos bem porquê deixámos escapar das nossas vidas, saudades de alguém que está longe, saudades de quem está perto mas não da forma como desejamos, saudades de quem não vamos ver mais e saudades de quem se foi de repente sem a hipótese de uma despedida e não vai mais voltar.

Ninguém gosta de sentir saudade, pelo menos não no momento. Dói, por vezes desespera . É algo incontrolável que não obstante o mais que tentemos não conseguimos ignorar ou disfarçar. É algo que vem de dentro, que não se explica, que por vezes não tem razão. Temos saudades de pessoas que conhecemos recentemente, saudades daqueles que nos magoaram, saudades de quem sabemos que não pode ficar, saudades de quem não queríamos ter. A saudade é um sentimento intenso e irracional. Vai e vem, em marés, é imprevisível. É algo que se apodera de nós quando menos esperamos, que parece desvanecer-se e que volta a atacar em força quando acreditamos que já a tínhamos superado. É um sentimento que pode ficar adormecido por meses, anos até e ser despertado pela mais insignificante lembrança e nos derrubar de novo.

Mas seria de facto a vida melhor sem saudade?

A saudade é tudo isso mas é também o que nos recorda o quanto gostamos daquelas pessoas, o quanto aqueles momentos a que não demos o devido valor nos marcaram e que nos ensina a aproveitar todos os momentos como se fossem os últimos.

E quando a distancia se dissipa e o reencontro ocorre? E quando se relembram os velhos tempos e se partilham gargalhadas? E quando olhamos para trás e vemos que apesar do caminho difícil foram essas experiências que nos fizeram o que somos hoje? Será que tudo isso teria o mesmo valor se não houvesse saudade?

Teria aquele abraço apertado do teu melhor amigo o mesmo impacto? Aquele beijo de quem amas o mesmo sabor? Teria aquela noitada passada a jogar conversa fora o mesmo interesse? Perceberias tu finalmente o que realmente é importante na vida?

Sim, penso que poderíamos viver se não existisse saudade mas não sei se seria melhor.

Random Scene - Part II of II

Rachel didn’t say anything else. She liked him. She was willing to put up with all the press frenzy but she couldn’t force him to have a relationship with her. She tried to understand his point of view. For the last two months they had been seeing eachother almost every day. They had talked about a lot of stuff and even shared private feelings. But still until that day he had kept his past secret. So if it had been so hard for him to open up to her it had to be terrifying to imagine his life being excruciated in the public eye.

“I’m being selfish” – she admitted – “this is my life, I chose it. I mean, not the gossiping and all that, but I knew it would be a consequence. But you didn’t. And I understand that you don’t want that for your life.”

She was being honest. She really understood him. A lot of times she had wished nobody knew who she was. But it was ironic how most of times she had to worry about people only getting close to her because of her fame and this time it was the opposite. Being famous was becoming a curse.~

“It’s not about that Rachel” – it wasn’t. He was sure he wouldn’t exactly enjoy all the attention. But he was genuinely worried about her.

Rachel was facing down. Defeated. He lightly pulled her chin up to face her – “Think about it….”

“You’re thinking too much” – she moaned.

“And you’re not thinking at all” – he said tenderly – “Sweetheart, I know it feels good. I wish things were different too. But even if we decided to give it a try in 4 months I’ll be gone.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“You know it does. I have Lea back in Portugal. And you have your life and your work here. It wouldn’t work.”

“Why can’t we just enjoy the time we have and think about all that when the time comes?” – Rachel asked. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering how it could have been. She wanted at least to give it a chance.

“Why are you willing to face all the media and all it’s going to come for something that might not work?” – he admired her. Hayley had broken his heart and left definitive marks. But in spite all that happen with Chase Rachel somehow still manage to be open to love.

“Because there’s never guarantees in love. I agree with you babe, the odds are against us but maybe we can make it work. Trust me I’m aware of all that’s going to come but I’m willing to go through all of it, to try. The question is, are you?” – she asked looking him in the eyes.

“I’m just trying to protect you” – he explained – “I don’t want to mess up your life.”

“What if nobody knew?” – she said suddenly.

“What?”

“We could keep it private. We don’t need to tell anyone. We can give it a try. See how it goes without having to deal with all that pressure.”

He smiled. She had found a way around it – “Let’s do that” – he agreed.

They kissed passionately and Rachel gently nibbled his full lips. David pulled her towards him and slowly passed his hands over her body caressing every inch of it.

He whispered tender words on her ear and she let him know how much she wanted him. Rachel wrapped her arms around his neck and he kindly picked her up. Carrying her into the bedroom David laid her on the bed and looked her in the eyes. With his fingers he appreciated the beautiful features of her face.  The deep brown eyes, her mile-long eyelashes, her gorgeous smile and those sexy dimples, everything about her was perfect.

Pulling off his shirt David laid on top of her sliding his hands under her top. Grabbing her perfectly toned thighs he kissed her stomach smoothly. Rachel rolled over and sat on top of him. Running her hands through is bare torso she kissed his chest. She felt his hands on her back while his strong arms embraced her. He kissed her shoulders as she felt herself melting and their bodies becoming one.

“I don’t ever want to leave this room” – she told him afterwards snuggled on his arms and resting her head on his chest.

Her alabaster skin contrasted nicely with the dark chocolate tone of his body.

He kissed her forehead rubbing her shoulder gently with the tips of his finger – “If only we could…” 

Random Scene - Part I of II

They cuddled in the couch forgetting about the world outside. For the first in almost two months they had finally gave in to their feelings and it felt so right. They both knew they had to talk but neither of them wanted to end that moment.

Rachel was lying on top him resting her head on his chest. With his left arm around her he fondled her hair gently.  With the other hand he played with her fingers. She could feel his heartbeat, he was peaceful now.

“We can’t do this…” - he finally said.

She sighed.

“Sweetheart, I don’t like it more than you do but we have to face it.” – he insisted.

She knew he was right. She took a deep breath and sat down.

“Okay, let’s talk about it” – she had a feeling this was not going to be an easy talk.

“We can’t be together…” - he started.

“Stop saying that!” – she supplicated.

“It’s true.”

“Why? Why does it have to be like that? Why can’t you even consider it?” – she asked him.

It was hard enough to convince himself they’d have no chances together, David wasn’t sure if he would be strong enough to convince her too.

“Come on Rachel you know I’m right. We have to be rational.”

“I don’t want to be rational. I want you” – she argued – “and unless you don’t want to be with me I don’t understand why we shouldn’t be together.”

“You’re honestly telling me that after all I’ve told you about my life, about me, you didn’t change your mind?”

“Change my mind about what? I don’t care about your past babe. I like you for who you are. I probably respect you even more now that I know all that you’ve been through and how you still managed to become the wonderful person you are today.”

He had imagined different scenarios on how Rachel would react when she found out the truth about him but not in a thousand years he was expecting it to be like this.

“Remember how it was with Chase” – David told her.

“What?” – now she was confused  - “why are you even bringing that up? It’s a totally different situation.”

“I know. I’m just saying that I remember how crazy you told me it was. Everyone talking about your life. People making up stories about you, pushing you down…”

“So?” – she asked.

“So, what do you think it will happen once they find out you’re dating an ex-drug dealer with alcoholic history?”

She was starting to get his point.

“I don’t care” – Rachel said calmly – “I don’t. I’ve tried too hard to please everybody. It’s never going to happen. So I don’t want to waste anything else in my life because of that.”

“You told me that things were finally settling down and that it felt good. You don’t need this publicity now” – he insisted.

“Do you want to know what I need? I need people to stop making decisions for me!” – she freaked out. Then calming herself down added – “I need people to see me as a regular girl. I need someone that cares about me. I need to be loved. That’s what I need.”

David looked at her. She was right. Behind that famous, perfect and gorgeous woman there was a lonely girl desperately trying to find love.

“I get what you’re saying” - he said – “and you deserve all that. But sweetheart, I just don’t think this is it” – it killed him to have to say those words.

To be continued...

E se...

Note: I apologize to my international readers but due to a special request this post will be in Portuguese. The main language of this blog is and will continue to be English so please come back for future updates J

E se um dia acordar e tu não estiveres aqui? Se nada for igual e tudo o que tomo por garantido se tiver desvanecido, e apenas eu permanecer aqui perdida neste imenso universo repleto de gente demasiado egocêntrica e preocupada com tudo excepto o que realmente importa?

Nós amamos, amamos amar e amamos gritar ao mundo que amamos, contudo, no nosso quotidiano raros são os momentos que reservamos para fazê-lo com total entrega.

A humanidade tem feito fantásticas descobertas ao longo do tempo, mas continuamos sem perceber uma das questões mais básicas da vida ... a sua efemeridade! Banalizamos o tempo e julgamos que ele se encontra sempre ao nosso dispor, enaltecemos trivialidades e desprezamos os verdadeiras razões da nossa existência e no final todos nos arrependemos por tudo o que ficou por fazer e dizer. 

For life

How many times do we have to lose

Something important to get the clue?

Some things aren’t meant to be understood

They are just like they should

I am so glad you are in my life

‘Cause you always manage to make smile

I’ll always carry you in my heart

Don’t matter how long we are apart

I’ll tell you once, I’ll tell you twice

I don’t want you to have any doubt

I like you and I want you near

‘Cause you’re my friend and I’ll need you here

Those little moments that we shared

What we have can’t be compared

So there’s no gap too wide

That could prevent me to be by your side

P.S - Inspired by a very special Birthday message from my "Feia" ;)

Always here

Everywhere you’ll go I’ll be there

No matter what you do I’ll always care

You don’t have to play it strong

You don’t have to face it alone

I love you honey I’ll be here

Reach for me ‘cause I’ll be near

There’s nothing to fear

We'll make it all disappear

You think I don’t notice

You’re breaking in pieces

Pain takes over, hope gets lost

When is it going to stop?

Honey believe in me

We’ll get through this

You know no matter what

Babe I've got your back

Don’t let go, just hold on tight

I know it's feels bad

But don’t you turn your back

I’ll be your light in the dark night

I won’t let you drown

I’ll always be around

Everyday night and day

I promise I’ll make it allright

...

It’s like looking at a train wreck. Knowing it’s going to crash and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Watching you drowning… everyday a little bit deeper. Trying to reach you but always feeling I’m an inch too short. I try to get my head around in desperation to find where it all went wrong. Where we missed…

Don’t get. Do not get it.

I miss that little boy I grew up with, that feisty kid with a gentle smile. Where is he? What have you done with him? Will we ever get him back?

I look at you hoping to get a glimpse of him. But that sparkle in your eyes is harder to find everytime.

How to accept this is it? Why can’t you swallow that stupid pride and let the people that love you help you? Why does it always have to be a big deal? Why does it all has to be a part of a massive conspiracy where the whole world unites to push you down?

Will always wonder how much it really messed you up and how much it’s all just an excuse to screw up your own life and play the victim.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the love.

Man up and admit you know we care.

Unlike you believe none of us will ever give up. But there’s only so much people can do for you. It gets to a point that it’s up to you.

Endings and beginnings

To everything there’s a beginning and an end.

There’s no chance of running from it. That’s life.

To everything there’s an ending.

There’s no point of crying over it.

From everything that happens in your life you get something.

Grab it. Save it. Take it with you.

Don’t hate it because it’s over. Don’t denigrate what it was or the importance it had for you.

Embrace the change. Have the courage and the audacity to admit it was special and that hurts that it’s over.

Be wise. Know that things are never as we think they are.

Don’t get mad with the world. Don’t try to destroy what it was, what you had.

What happened happened and no one can take that away from you.

Learn to take the best of every single thing, the best of everyone that’s a part of your life.

Be oblivious to the rest. Figure if it’s worth the fight, the trouble, the pain.

If it is, then give it all of you. If it’s not just let it go.

Sometimes no matter how much we wish it would work it just doesn’t. Don't let it hold you bad.

You’re bigger than that. Greater than all that.

Keep in mind that sometimes an ending is just the start of a new beginning. You’ll get your happy ending too. 

“Don’t know how to take criticism without feeling hated”*

Cold feet. Doubts. Anxiety.

Support vs. pressure.  Pride vs. shame.

Mix of feelings running through my head.

It’s done now. Pretty much finished. But what to do with it? Where to take it?

I’m glad I wrote it, I never thought I could pull it off. These plots have been a part of my life ever since I remember. They’re very clear in my head but actually bringing them out had always seemed impossible.

I’m quite happy with the final result. It’s closer to it than I ever thought possible. It makes sense to me.  I know the characters I know their strengths and weaknesses, their fears, their pain. But will someone else get it? Why would people have any interest in these crazy stories I think about? I can’t write about unimaginable worlds, or fantasy or great heroes. I write about the (not so) simple everyday life, with relationships and obstacles we all have. Trivial stuff to some but an issue that fascinates me.

I don’t know who would get it. Not even I get myself at times, what goes through my head, how fast it goes and why.

I’m not good with criticism. I have a hard time hearing it at not taking it too personally. Especially with something like this, so personal, so special. It’s one thing to get it out of my head and put it on paper. That alone was a big challenge. Now, make it public? Putting it out there? Expose it? Not sure if I can go that far.

* Title by Idina Menzel – Penny

When there's nothing to get

Sometimes there’s no reason, no logic. It just comes and swipes you down. You don’t see it coming, you can’t get why it happened. You can spend hours looking back, rationalizing, trying to get it, but you won’t. It’s not fair, it doesn’t make sense. It hurt, breaks you apart. You’re left in tiny little pieces. Crying, wondering, why? You want to get back to what it was. You don’t want to believe it was all vain.

You’re having troubles believing that’s who he really was. You couldn’t be that wrong. Was it really just a game? How much of it was true? And you hate him but you love him. And you want to scream and hit him but you still wish he would just take you in his arms and tell you it was all just a nightmare. You go to sleep wishing the world will play it’s magic and everything will be fine again. You don’t even want it to be perfect anymore you just want it not to be gone.

How to survive this? How to recover? You toss and turn trying to understand where it all went wrong. You try to excuse him it’s too humiliating to be that naïve. You kick yourself down, you blame it on you too. Where did you fail? It’s unbearable to imagine this pain will last forever. No-one can understand how broken your heart feels. They tell you to move on but that seems so crazy. How can you ever believe again? What’s the point of going through all of it again? Everyone is saying it’ll get better, that eventually the pain will fade away. But when you’re so damaged inside that day sees never come. All you want to do is runaway and vanish, away from all the stares, away from all the pity. You just want someone to come and hold you like when you were a child and protect you from the world and reassure you you’ll be fine. Just someone that understands and that doesn’t try to fix it. Someone that gives you all the time and doesn’t try to push it. You don’t want to hear you’ll find someone else, because you don’t want anybody anymore. You just want that person to be quiet and hug you, so in spite all that happen you’ll feel a ray of love and hope.

First Song

Player turned in to a song ;)


Player - click the link to check it out.


Lyrics: Me
Music and Voice: Marcos Mateus


Note: Big thanks to Marco.