Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Dark secrets

We all have dark secrets. Well-hidden truths that shadow us through life even on the happiest moments. Events from the past, obscure thoughts, shady emotions we don’t want to admit we have experienced. Facts that daunt us even though we pretend to be oblivious to. These are things we chose to forget (pretending that that’s even an option), things we deny to ourselves that ever happened, in hope that one day we can believe it.

But you can’t run away from yourself or your past. The false sense of security only lasts so far and when you least expect it, it all comes back to haunt you. Secrets always find a way to come back into our lives. Sometimes they are quiet whispers, unnoticed by everyone else, but though they may not see them or hear them, you sure can feel them. 

Flashbacks flooding your mind with memories you didn’t know you kept, your dreams invaded by worries you didn’t know you (still) had. Pieces from your childhood, scratchy scenarios that made you uncomfortable, like a chill running through your veins. Encounters that made you go into hiding on instinct even though you didn’t know exactly what was wrong. Bizarre events you couldn’t understand before with your pure mind, but that over time, without even noticing, you managed to put the pieces back together… things you now know were wrong. Things you wish you didn’t remember, things that most days you really don’t. 

Dark secrets, the skeletons in the closet we all have, undisclosed facts that remain unknown even to those who are closer to us. Maybe because we don’t want them to define us, maybe because they really don’t, whatever the reason is, it’s not changing any time soon. 

You imagine that once the memories themselves were what used to bother you, but that’s not the case anymore. The dreams, not so often nightmares anymore, they don’t frighten you, is the feelings they carry with them that take you by surprise. And it’s not even about the empowerment you feel by not representing the helpless little girl anymore, instead being able to stand up to the scary monsters (even if it’s just a dream), it’s about your emotions… Emotions you feel so deeply even though it is nothing but a dream. Not those of fear or pain (you’re familiar with those), quite the opposite, what really gets to you now, is the overwhelming comfort you find in these dreams. When you hear the quiet voice in the distance than can cool you down, the sight of those imaginary arms that wrap around you, in a way you can almost feel the touch on your skin, the warmth on your heart… A sense of security you don’t remember experiencing in a very long time. A fake reality that somehow soothes you when nothing else can. 

You got used to your dark secrets, you accepted the fact they would carry on with you for life, but what if you have been looking at it all wrong? What if it goes deeper than that? What if your dark secrets don’t just lug with you, what if, they too keep evolving? What does that mean then, when the scariest part of a memory it’s not the bad one, but the good?