Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Announcement

Exciting announcement coming soon #Aglimpseofhappiness
Keep posted :)

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

To those who don't like people

For a long time I’ve been saying that I don’t like people. And it’s not because I’m trying to be unpleasant or mean. Though I understand it may come across as being a little harsh I’m just being honest. When I was younger I wondered if there was something wrong with me because for everyone else this thought seemed crazy, now I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing anymore, it doesn’t make you weird or wrong  it only means that you’re a little bit more selective. I don’t like people because of what they do… not to me in particular, can’t say I have a lot of bad experiences but I watch what goes on around me. People not thinking about what they say, how they act, pushing eachother down, hurting eachother without even blink.
It was just yesterday that we were talking about this. Not criticizing anyone, not complaining about it but simply stating a fact. It was refreshing for the first time to hear someone else say those words. Someone that it’s not crazy or an outcast, someone that is just a normal person like you and me. Curiously enough just a few hours later, out of the blue, I get a little treat… something to remind me that there are exceptions and that even if you’ve accepted that you don’t like people there will always be those special ones who put a smile on your face. Because you don’t have to like people in order to like someone.

Thanks R. for being such a sweet friend =)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dark days


I have these things sometimes, these moments when I snap. I just go back to that dark place, when I don’t want to be here. Yes, to be fair I do travel in my mind often and it’s not unusual for me to want to go back there, but this is different. This is not just me wanting to go to my little world, it’s not standing to be here. It’s desperation, it’s having to run away. An overwhelming crankiness takes over me and though I’m aware I can’t prevent it. It’s odd because it’s so sudden yet strong. I can’t quite describe it rather than to say that it’s so powerful that affects me even physically. I feel this weird pressure inside of me, my heart getting tighter and tighter.
I know how to fix it… I need to crawl up in my bed with my Ipod, lay in the dark. Just lay there on my own, not having to see or speak to anybody. I just can’t stand people when I’m like that.
Today is one of those days that I just feel like running back home, hide under some cozy blankets, hopefully fall asleep fast and just wake up in another (better) day.
I’m tired, upset, not even mad… just defeated really. It’s hard to let go even when you know you should. It’s annoying that you can’t avoid to be bored with non-sense things like this.
I don’t want to be here anymore, not today. Tomorrow it will be different. Well, not really, everything will probably be exactly the same but I’ll be ready to cope with it. Tomorrow none of this will seem as big or important, I know, but as for now I just want to close my eyes and run back to my safe little shelter.

Little mash up, original pieces were written on December 8th 2011 and February 19th 2012

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Travel the world


I want to travel the world
I want to see what it has to offer
I don’t just want to visit
I want to be part of it
To get to know it
I want to now people
And understand the jokes
I want to take a piece of it
I want to meet people
Hear stories of others who
Are as passionate about it as I am
I want to have those butterflies in my stomach
And the sparkle in my eyes.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Curiosity

When I was younger I would often say I didn't like people I wasn't trying to be rebellious or unpleasant I was simply stating a fact. A fact that to a certain degree describes me still. Not that I don't like anybody in this world, but I'm very specific about the ones I do, I guess.
Dealing with people implies having to deal with relationships which, just like people, is something regarding which I have ambiguous feelings. Relationships are so unpredictable. It's like walking a tightrope, never knowing when you're going to fall. But despite that, or maybe because of it, I'm fascinating by these topics.
I'm always watching people... how they act, what they say, how some always seem to know exactly what to do. Maybe it's instincts I'm lacking, I wonder.
I see how people relate to each other, trying to improve my skills. I like to analyze their interactions, to deconstruct every talk or action. I play scenarios in my head with endless possibilities. I try to get the logic of it, narrow it down to a science. Aware that's the wrong way to do it, that life is supposed to be lived and not thought and despite that unable to resist.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

There’s something about you


I see you from a distance
Fascinated by your charm
Every single thing about you,
It’s all perfect.

Absorbed by your aura
I admire your beauty,
Your smile, the way you move,
You make it look so simple.

Ingenuously I try discover,
To unveil what it is,
Foolishly I attempt to define
What has no description. 

You make everyone seem fool,
For even trying, they won’t reach you.
I watch you… More than a peculiarity
It’s a gift.

The way you speak to people
How you conquer everyone.  
With one look you win them,
With one smile you light up the room.

You captivate people
It’s impossible to be indifferent
That charisma, that glow,
You’re amazing and don’t even know it.

I wonder how you manage it all,
The right balance.
You’re cute and sensible yet strong
Incredible likeable but not at all boring.

True to yourself you don’t try to please.
Opinionated and feisty,
You’ll always fight back
And even doing it are as cute as hell

You’re perfect because you make mistakes
And rise from them everytime
Perfect because what makes you special
Is, above everything, being so normal.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

What would we do without music?


What would we do without music? 

Whatever your feelings are there’s always some particular song that will adequate to it. When you’re not able to describe or understand what’s going inside of you, there’re always those lyrics that couldn’t be any more perfect. Music helps you mourn when you’re down, it doesn’t force you to overcome something that you’re not yet ready to face, it allows you to wallow and it keeps you company in the lonely nights. 
But music is not just present in the bad moments. No, music has the ability to accompany us in every state or mood. It is music you blast when you’re excited about a great day, when you want to shake it up or belt it out how happy you are. 
Music adjusts to your needs. It’s music I put on when I need to focus on my own thoughts, when I want to look deeper into my emotions but it’s also music I blast when I’m trying to ignore what’s going inside my head. It’s a safety net. It’s something that no matter what I can count on. I love songs that put a smile on my face every single time they come up on my ipod, but I equally love those almost depressing songs that no matter what will always put me on a more introspective mood. It’s fascinating to me to realize that other people have experienced similar dilemmas, similar pain and how you can feel so connect to someone you have never even met. 
What’s so special about music? Is it the melody or the lyrics? I think it’s hard to define, and it most definitely varies from person to person. To me, I find that most of times I get attracted to the lyrics the most. To the lyrics and to the artist/performer. I have to feel somehow connect to him/her and that has an unquestionably result on how I react to a song. But I do have a couple of songs that lyrically mean absolutely nothing to me but that somehow make me feel something good inside when I play them. I think music is an amazing thing. A friend, an expression tool, a great psychologist! Music is one of those little pleasures in life that often we over look but that I would be totally devastated if for some reason I’d had to live without.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The voice within




Whatever happen don’t lose your mind. This crazy world will tear you down, some people will make you wonder how humans can be so mean to eachother but no matter what, you have to be able to trust your gut. 

We can’t replace someone we love, people around us are important and we can’t ever substitute their role in our lives, but there will be times they won’t be around. There will be days when you’ll have no-one or you’ll have everybody and it still won’t be enough. That’s why you have to be able to trust yourself. It’s great to have a shoulder to cry on and to feel you’ll have someone to pull you up if you fall but it doesn’t always go like that. Despite whatever was that overthrew you sometimes you just have to pick yourself up with no help. You just have to remember yourself that you’re not alone... because even when there’s nobody else you still have yourself. 

Your mind is so much powerful than you’ll ever see it. It’s all in your head. You can be your biggest friend or your worst enemy. Don’t let those voices push you down. For once try to listen to the good ones. For a change try to believe the wonderful things you’ve heard people say about you. I know you’ve heard it. I know they’re saved there, somewhere, buried under those destructive views of yourself. 

They can’t be all wrong, right? There must be something, it has to be something… “So why can’t I see?” you’ll wonder. You just got to give yourself a chance, cut yourself some slack. If only I could show you how…

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Growing Up

Hi babes just to warn you this one is a bit long, but hopefully worth it ;) XoXo, Fi


I’ve never felt never very keen about the idea of growing up. I can’t explain why, but I never wanted to be older than 14/15. Even when I was a teenager and all my friends were longing for independence (which I always had anyway), to be able to drive, to be able to make their own decisions, I was never that anxious about turning 18. Maybe because I had had a happy childhood and I don’t like to change, maybe because I was happy with what I knew and didn’t want to take the risk of finding something less great, maybe because it was when I started to grow up that everything stopped being clear and the thoughts and feelings started to mix up and haunt me. 
I loved being na├»ve, loving everybody and believing they were perfect. I enjoyed playing in my fantasy world and believing in things like Santa Claus (actually I remember forcing myself to believe in his existence when I was already aware he wasn’t real). Everything was so clear then, so black and white. It may seem simplistic but I confess I miss the times when it was clear that a behavior was either good or evil, that people where either nice or mean, when choices where either right or wrong. Not feeling the weight of the world in your shoulders, being able to run to someone’s arms everytime you fall down, being able to believe when someone reassures you that it will be okay. How can you not miss that? 

Growing up meant having to realize that there are no perfect people at that I took hard. The realization that things aren’t always as we think they are. Changing my opinions, realizing that everyone has a dark side. For some reason I had lived in this bubble where everything was good and people were sweet, and then one day it just hit me that I wasn’t able to have that same feeling anymore. Suddenly I didn’t like that people that much and the things they were doing didn’t feel right anymore. Those were hard times. To have feelings inside that you don’t understand and you strive to let go, to cope with the fact that everything you always knew and love doesn’t feel as perfect and safe anymore. 
I always hated when people would refer to it as “just a phase”. It’s like it didn’t matter. I couldn’t care less if it was just a phase or not. I felt lost, confused, scared even. I was disappointed with the world because no-one had ever told me I could be surrounded by a crowd and yet feel incredibly lonely. Being just phase didn’t bring me any reassurance, if anything made me feel silly to be so affected by something that apparently everyone goes through and overcomes eventually. 

Growing up is tough because there’re too many things involved and you struggle to juggle all the changes that you are perceiving in the world with the ones that are going inside yourself. You look for a reference, some to look up to, some role model that knows exactly what to do, and how to act. Someone that you can just follow the steps. But it’s unrealistic, it’s a recipe for disaster, you will be constantly disappointed because no matter how smart, confident and mature someone is, no one knows the answer for everything in life. 
I didn’t want to grow up because the expectations are way higher and there’s no way back. I liked the idea of having an excuse to fail, when a mistake could be justified because you were just “too young”. More than trying to please everybody I just wanted to blend in. Since no-one seemed able to comfort me or teach me how to deal with all the changes I just wanted to be left alone. 

For a while I tried to fight it, though deep inside I knew I stand no chance. The anger eventually faded away and more convinced that it wouldn’t change I started to come to terms with it. I didn’t like it, I wasn’t happy but I realized there was no other way. To the outsiders I was doing okay. I had my friends, my activities, I did well in school, but inside, I was… not even sad, just desperate really. Wondering if I would feel like an outcast my whole life. My heart ached with the thought of having these feeling, these doubts, this neediness forever. 
I was a girl that never paid attention to trends, I was never a follower, but still I think sometimes I’d try to morph myself in something I was not. I figured that it must be something wrong in me and that maybe by changing I would feel better. But no matter how miserable you are when you’re being yourself, acting like someone else won’t make you feel better, because it will never be real. 

I don’t think it is just a stage. At least not for everybody. But you grow up, no matter how much you fight it or how you try to prevent it, you can’t help it. Hopefully you’ll get to that place when you’re able to accept that maybe life will never be what you want it to be, that people will never be able to give you what you need them to give you, that there are things in you that no matter how much you hate you’ll never be able to change and that those feelings and thoughts will never go away. Hopefully too, you’ll be wise enough to realize that even if it’s not all you wished for, there’s something you can take from every experience, and that instead of looking for the perfect friendship or relationship you just have to take a little love when you can. 
Even if you still feel the pressure, you’ll start to give in in some aspects. Details on your life will become important enough for you to react to them without second thoughts, without worrying about what everyone will think. You’ll teach yourself not to rationalize your feelings regarding your friends and that there’s nothing wrong to let someone know how much you love them (even if you not able to tell it to everybody). 

You do grow up, and it’s not so much that things change, or that you change, it’s just that in order to protect your sanity you’ll develop the ability to cope with it. And if having a song in repeat mode, listening to an interview over and over again, watching the same Tv shows thousands of times or just writing silly posts peace’s you out, than go for it. 
Growing up is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just… different. Perhaps fitting in and finding that person (or people) that make you feel special, comfortable and loved is not meant for everyone but maybe you can have that role in someone else’s life and it won’t be half bad.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

To whom expectations?



It has been said that we should not leave up to other people expectations but our own. But what to do when your own expectations are much greater and unreachable than everybody else’s? 
In the darkness of your mind I watch you struggle, I see you fighting against yourself. Without recognizing your value, your exceptionality, how awesome you are you keep cutting yourself short. I hear people around you loving you but somehow the message that gets to you is distorted because you are your own worst enemy.
You’ve always been great but to you that’s not enough. No, you have to be perfect. You congratulate others for their achievements, you convinced them that failing is part of life, that it doesn’t make them any less worthy, any less amazing, and I know you believe it. So how can you rule yourself by different standards? 
The usual advice is to tell people to trust the voice within them, to follow their gut. But when you’re constantly pushing yourself down you just have to block that voice. You can’t “believe the things you tell yourself so late night, you are your own worst enemy you'll never win the fight”*. You have to figure out a way to trust what everyone else is saying, to acknowledge what you rationally know it is true. 
I know you know it’s insane. But I can see the fear in your eyes everytime you are put to test. I can sense the panic no matter how ridiculous the task might be. And I don’t think you can change. I think you desperately want to but don’t know how. 
The pressure you put in yourself is unbearable. It’s not healthy. No one can cope with such a destructive input all the time. How to justify this need for perfection? When did this happen? What was it that made you think that you have to be like this? Will you ever grow out of it? 


* Parachute - Cheryl Cole

Friday, February 10, 2012

Writing


Writing is therapeutic, it’s not a work nor even a hobby, is something I need to do. It’s something that can slow down from times to times but that I can never stop completely. It’s something that’s inside of me - day and night - something that follows me no matter where I go or what I do or how I want to ignore it.
It ain’t easy to explain and it shouldn’t be necessary either. The beauty of creative writing it’s not in everybody getting the same message but in the fact that there’s no right or wrong.  That there’s no universal understanding and it’s open to interpretation. People should be able to read between the lines, to take their own conclusions about what they’ve read. It’s not about deconstructing the message what’s important is that it means something. Seeing the same as their friends, or even the author doesn’t matter. You’ll see it accordingly to your experiences, to your mood, to what you’re going through at that moment. You’ll take out of it what you need in that exact moment. Maybe later you’ll come back to it and feel different about it, and that’s okay, that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Writing is a way to express yourself, your fears, your emotions, your frustrations. It’s a way to vent without fighting or yelling, without having to hurt anyone. It’s an amazing way to live your dreams, to live your parallel life, to imagine what’s unreachable. Writing is a way to let out what’s inside without having to filter it. What you write doesn’t necessarily has to make sense to everybody, not even to anybody.
We all had those days when nothing could sheer us up, and I found that most times, to me, all it takes is to read something that touches my heart. Either because it shows me that there is still hope or because it shows me that no matter how unbearable it may seem at times, someone else had been there too. And that helps. As selfish as it may be, sometimes all we need is to know that we are not “freaks”, that these questions, doubts and fears are not exclusively ours. So if you ask me why I write? I’ll tell you that I write to myself. To (try to) keep sane. If you ask me why I publish my stuff? I’ll confess that I wish that someday I’ll be able reach someone, somewhere, and that maybe by reading my stuff they won’t feel so bad. 

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Can't feel alright

I couldn't explain why
If I wanted to let you know
why I can't have you by my side

I can't get my senses back
Can't get my head around it
Did we have to take this path?

When this all begun
I loved the light in your smile
And now you have none
And you beg me to reconcile

I can't feel alright
No, nothing feels right
When you're gone...

And yet here we are
Stuck in this crossroad
Yes, you're still my star
But I'm about to implode


I have wanted you for so long
But I can't give you all you're worth
Tough you keep saying I'm wrong
Better face it before it gets worst

I can't feel alright
No, nothing feels right
When you're gone...

I need to be sure
You have all the best
so I try to be mature
And put yourself first

I wouldn't love you like I should
Nor even how I'd wish I could
So I choose to make you want to leave

Tough, I can't feel alright
Because nothing feels right
When you're gone... 

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I'll Stand by You*

‎"Nothing you confess could make me love you less (...) When you're standing at the crossroad, don't know which path to choose, let me come along, 'cause even if your wrong...I'll stand by you"*

Suddenly you’re not the same. Suddenly you’re lost in the dark side. Can you still hear me calling? Baby please hear my calling. Come to me honey, talk to me, tell me what’s hunting you. Don’t be ashamed, you can never let me down. You’re trying to be strong, you want to keep it together but holding it inside will drive you mad. You won’t have to justify, I’ll stand by you no matter what you do. I’ll hold your hand, I’ll guide you through, I’ll be your light in the darkest night. I can’t promise it will be easy or that it won’t hurt, but I guarantee you you won’t have to go it alone. Just let me in, I won’t try to fix you. When you lose your strength and your hope is gone, let me hold you up. If you really have to take that that dark road then let me come along because even if it’s hell it won’t be half as bad as watching you drown. 

*Tittle and quote by The Pretenders - I'll Stan By You

Friday, February 03, 2012

Bigger than life

There’s so much in life we can’t control. There are things we fear. Things we want to avoid. Things we’d prefer to ignore. Things that we’ll have to learn to cope with.
It’s the worst part about growing up, the understanding that life isn’t always as we dream of. That there’s no black and white. That sometimes no matter how hard you try and how perfect you are still somehow you’re not able to make it right.
You’ll look back and you’ll see what overthrew you. You’ll know that there was nothing you could have done and yet it won’t settle your heart. Just because you’re aware of something it doesn’t make it hurt any less. You’ll still feel mad, frustrated, and impotent. No matter how many times life remembers you how small you are you’ll always have those days when you just want to fight it. Moments where you’ll struggle not to settle, that you’ll beg to keep believing. Once you realized you’ve failed you’ll make promises to yourself that even though all went wrong you’ll still manage to make it your way. You’ll try to be oblivious to the evidences. You’ll stubbornly try to prove it wrong but in the end sometimes you just have to admit that
“There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. And people we can't live without but have to let go.”*


By Penelope Garcia Criminal Minds S06E02

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Hate/Love

16 Things I hate and love (talk about a random number…)

  1. I hate when my place is taken and I have to sit someplace else
  2. I hate when I’ve read every relevant story, watched every relevant video and went through every work of an artist
  3. I hate injustices
  4. I hate when I really want to be with someone and it’s not on my hands
  5. I hate when things don’t make sense
  6. I hate to watch people breaking apart (having I met them or not)
  7. I hate when people criticize and push other people down just for the thrill of it
  8. I hate when things don’t go has I plan
  9. I hate that the world isn’t smaller sometimes
  10. I hate to wake up when it’s already morning, and having the pleasure of falling asleep only once
  11. I hate to have any icons on my desktop and to have any files misplaced on my pc
  12. I hate to watch people cry
  13. I hate to wait
  14. I hate even more to be or even to think I’ll be late
  15. I hate I can’t log off of my brain sometimes
  16. I hate when I’m so cranky that I annoy myself

  1. I love some words just because they sound cute
  2. I love nostalgic conversations about the good old times
  3. I love to laugh about the things we did and say
  4. I love that special hug that makes your day worth it
  5. I love that look that just says it all
  6. I love that empowering smile that makes you believe
  7. I love to re-discover something I’d forgotten I love (tv show, movie, song, artist)
  8. I love to receive a simply “Good Morning” text message
  9. I love when I get a text and I can’t help but smile to my phone
  10. I love to receive mail
  11. I love finding out new artists that I like
  12. I love when a song inexplicable just makes me smile.
  13. I love wander around randomly listening to music.
  14. I love to travel
  15. I love making up stories in my head
  16. I love how some songs just perfectly sum up what you feel