Family is who your heart chooses

You came without a warning, and at a time when my guard was already up. It was awkward at first, I won’t deny it. I had always wanted a little sister, but I wasn’t expecting one anymore, not at that point in my life, and certainly not one that worshiped me so much after one short meeting. Back then you were devoted to me, I could do no wrong, and as appealing as that may sound, it’s a very heavy load to carry – to have someone so pure and innocent have so much faith in you.

Quickly though you won us all. One by one, and we’re not an easy bunch to win (!) but you made it look so natural, everything was so effortless that we never stood a chance. Any of us. You were so sure we were your family that it became contagious. There was so much certainty in your words, in your actions, that there was no room left for doubt. You never cared about what others might think or ask, you didn’t care about labels (at least not for anyone but me), you didn’t had to name what we had, you just felt it, and that was enough for you.

You brought an openness and bluntness to our house that we were not used to, that we were missing. You poured your heart out day in and day out and bonded with us in ways we weren’t bonded with each other. You somehow managed to connect us all a bit more and ended up being the piece of the puzzle we didn’t know was missing.

Today I’m not your whole world anymore. I’m not your idol and you certainly don’t think I am always right. Nowadays you can be grumpy and stubborn, you can show your temper and we can drive each other crazy, but that means only one thing… that we love each other to a point that we know we can reveal our true selves and everything will be okay in the end, no matter what. For we may not always agree, but we will always have each other’s backs, that’s how sisterhood works. When it comes down to it, you protect the things you love, no questions asked.

You came home with us for a morning and all of the sudden it has been 10 years, but it shouldn’t be surprising for me, not anymore, that family comes in the most unexpected ways and forms, because truth is because family is who your heart chooses.

Magic inside my closet

When I was little I never believed I had monsters under my bed, I did, however, believe I had magic inside my closet.

Every day was an new adventure, as for in the darkness of the night, when everyone was sure I was fast asleep, my magic closet would take me to China and beyond.

All I had to do was step inside and in an instant it would teleport me to a whole new world. If I close my eyes I can still see the colors around me as I twirled in wonder, the long pavements, the things happening all at once around me, everything so new, so different, so interesting!

I’d always travel alone, for some reason, despite being the social butterfly I was back then, but I was never lonely. There was no fear, despite how far away I would travel, no worries about when or if I would come back, there was just excitement and anticipation.

I’d never remember how I would get back, though I imagine it would be just as magical. The memories that remained were always the ones of departing my home and arriving to a new place, with unlimited possibilities.

My brother, older and always rational, tried to prove over and over again that I was lying, that it just wasn’t possible, but I didn’t care about his logic, or his intentions to dismiss what I knew was true.

Things were different all those years ago, I was so confident back then, so sure. Life hadn’t got in the way yet. I didn’t care about what made sense, what could be proven or what they said, all I believed was myself. 

I wasn’t lying, there was indeed magic in my bedroom, I just didn’t realize that the magic wasn’t inside my closet, but inside myself.  

Days

There are days you impress yourself with how everything turned out, the challenges you took, the fears you faced and the many ways you refused to let your insecurities defy who you are and how far you can get.

Other days you look at your life and it feels like you’ve achieved nothing, that you’re immensely far from where you want to be, that you keep taking steps in random directions and that you’re no closer to your goal than you were back in high school.

Some days you’re just completely out of focus. All you can think about is all the things you haven’t managed to achieve yet. You’ve always dreamed big. You’re destined to do great things with your life, that’s what everyone keeps telling you, that’s what they believe, that’s what they made YOU believe. And yet there are days you have no purpose. Days where all the inspiration is gone, days where there is no motivation, no hope, no will.

You feel constantly trapped in this dichotomy of having days when you feel like you can change the world, and days you can barely find the strength to get out of bed. And it’s funny that these up and downs are what hasn’t really changed over the years. They are your constant, your solid ground, from when you where that bubbly little girl until the moment you are now. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, maybe balance is overrated and the constant struggle is what keeps you from becoming stale (even though that’s how you feel, more often than you’d like to admit).