It's all gray now

Do you remember when it all started? Can you recall the first time it stopped being fun and it got complicated?

I remember being a kid, when all the scary stuff was terrifying but so much clearer too.

It was so much easier when good and evil were two totally different worlds, when it was all black or white. Now there's just too many gray areas, nothing is that simple anymore. It may seem silly but there was a comfort in knowing where evil stood.

You're brought up believing that that's really all that is. That people are good or evil, that there's only right or wrong and that as long as you do what you're supposed to, everything will be okay.

Then, you grow up and you're confronted with the cold truth that life's unfair, that things are never that simple and that more often then never it's not that clear which side to chose. With your experience, you learn that no matter how hard you'll try to make it right there are things you just can't prevent from happening.

You'll long for those days where all you had to do was run to her lap and let her take care of everything. You'll miss the times when you believed her when she said It will be all right... but everything in life as its consequences, and part of growing up is to be able to stand up on your own, to manage to do the tough calls and to find a way to carry yourself the best you can while struggling with your inner doubts.

Sisterhood

It always puzzled her how for some people kinship meant everything. Maybe because the way she was brought up, most certainly because of her life experience, she believed that au contraire of what’s usually said, you can chose your family… or better yet, sometimes they chose you!

It was odd at first, she had to confess, having a stranger suddenly deciding that she was her sister. The girl was just two, and very cute too, but a stranger never the less. They had only met once, and she hadn’t even spent that must time with the kid, but for some reason that she couldn’t understand, the girl decided to make her her big sister.

Despite all the awkwardness of the situation and her inability to connect to people, she found out soon that without an effort the kid had won her heart and that without putting up a fight, the walls that she had built around herself had fallen down. Their relationship kept growing stronger, she knew the girl looked up to her like nobody else and even though she wouldn’t admit it, it felt good to mean that much to someone. What no-one else knew is how much she admired the little girl too and how proud she was to be a big sister.

Regardless the age difference they shared similar passions and more important than that, learnt a lot from eachother. She could be older, wiser, and more experienced, but the girl taught her something that no-one before had been able to, she taught her that it was okay to let people know she loved them.

They were more than a decade apart, and yet, they were draw to the same things, capture the same details and shared their little obsessions. She had never thought about how alike they were, after all, they were different in so many ways, and it wasn’t until the girl start pointing things they had common and saying “see, that’s why we are sisters” that she realized that the reason why it was so easy to make her happy, and to know exactly how to make her smile, was because after all, and despite they each had their own quirkiness’s, the girl was an younger and improved version of herself.

To my little Chezza, I love you, that is all!

Nobody knows

Nobody knows the real me

Nobody gets to see what's inside

No-one understands the pain I see

Or all I have to leave behind

Nobody can see through my smile

Look me in the eyes and go past the lies

Nobody dreams I cry myself to sleep

And beat myself down so deep

Nobody knows how long ago I lost hope

How many times I had to held back my tears

Nobody knows how I strive for ways to cope

Dreaming someday I'll beat this fears

Nobody knows how I fear to let people down

And how I'm always on the edge of a meltdown

Nobody knows how often I pretend to be strong

Even though deep inside it feels so wrong

Nobody knows the thoughts that run through my head

And how I fight not to feel so sad

Nobody knows how I really feel

Or how I wish these dreams were real

Nobody is able to see the real me

And I don't think no-one will ever be

Nobody knows the real me

And no-one's to blame... except for me!

I write for myself

I write for myself, first and foremost. It’s probably one of the only things I truly just do for myself, not thinking how others are going to feel about it, or how they will see it.

I write because it helps me. It keeps me company, it keeps me sane. I write because it helps me fill the void I have inside and disguise the loneliness and the pain that keep on hunting me.

I write because if I can’t talk to anyone I have to be able to at least talk to myself. Writing keeps me focused, forces me to think and “say” what I don’t want to or am not confortable with.

I happen to believe that writing doesn’t have to be a gift or a talent. It doesn’t have to be neat, and clear and perfect… it just have to be honest.

Different people will read into things differently, no matter what. They may interpreter something you wrote in ways you never thought about, and I like that. I don’t mind if what I write is not exactly what people see when they read it. If they find a new meaning for it, if it helps them, if somehow they can connect to it, that’s great.

I write for myself, first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate other people’s interest in my work. I write for myself, but if on top of that I can get the thrill of touching someone’s soul, that’s amazing!

Writing was a part of my “private little world” that in the past I wouldn’t dare to share with anybody. But time goes by, you grow up and realize that there are things no-one can take away from you, and that maybe some people deserve that you make the effort to show them a little bit more of who you truly are.

I write for myself and this sharing thing hasn’t come easily. I still have doubts and fears, but because I challenged myself to do it, I also know now that some people do appreciate this other side of me.

Love transcends death

In Memory of MF

I’ve always had these odd things where I picture bizarre scenarios in my mind. I think it’s because I don’t like the unknown and I like to believe that I’ll be ready for whatever comes. So, yes, I had thought about it before, how I would react to losing someone… How I would cope with death…

I was blessed not to have to deal with it when I was younger… I still am, considering that you were the only one I ever had to watch go. I remember like it was yesterday, me at 19 trying to be all grown up, trying to keep myself together and explain to them what death was, when I wasn’t sure I understood the concept myself.

It didn’t get me right away. I think I was numb at first, just trying to deal with everyone else’s pain, trying to keep myself busy and make myself useful. I don’t like people and I’m not good with feelings, so I always wondered if it would ever really get to me. And maybe it was because I never had to deal with it before, or because as always, I kept it all inside, but I surprised myself when, more than once, I woke up crying in the middle of the night because again you insisted in popping up in my dreams.

Human mind has its tricks and it works in curious ways. I know we shared lots of moments - concerts, holidays, family dinners… and I know that, unlike other people that tend to become less available when they grow up, most of times I was there. But still, the first thing that came to my mind when I heard what happened (and that still does everytime I think about it) is that the very last time you met us for dinner, I didn’t stay. I went to this birthday party I didn’t even felt like going to, of someone that later showed not to be that worthy… little did I know that that would be the last time I would see you. I don’t like to dwell in the past, I don’t want to be one of those people who live for the memories, and rationally I know I can’t blame myself for that, and that after all those years, that last night wouldn’t really made a difference, but still…  

I don't want, however, remember you with sadness, because that would be unfair, to diminish all you were to that one moment when you left. So, I try to focus on the bright side, what you taught us, what you shared with us, and the two wonderful little ones that you left us.

It’s been 5 years… So much as changed and yet, everything is the same… Your death didn’t just change me, I feel it changed the family, it changed the dynamic and as cliché as it may sound, reminded us what really matters. Therefore, no matter what comes our way or how we end up, how we celebrate it or burry our pain, I know that each of us, in our own special way will remember you forever, because

“Love transcends death [and] the people we love touch our lives, even after they're gone”*

* By Michael T. Weiss as Jarod In The Pretender

It's the way you call my name

And it’s the way you call my name and look me in the eyes. How you strip my guard down and make the world a safe place. It’s the feeling that arouses in me the desire to have you to me.

I love when you gently touch my hand and say so much without a word, and how you know what’s bothering me even before I do.

Don’t want to miss the warmness of your kiss or the embrace of your arms.

Forgive me if I can’t tell anyone but I can’t even tell it to myself, as the perfection of it makes me fear it’s not real.