5 years/5 anos

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

It is hard to believe it has been 5 years since I first met them.

People called me crazy when I left the safety of my home to discover an unknown world so far way, but I didn’t listen. Maybe I was being crazy, but for the first time I didn’t care. For the first time I was taking a risk and despite what everyone was saying I couldn’t be more sure I was doing the right thing.

It doesn’t happen often to me, to be so certain, not afraid, but it happened then. I had that voice inside of me, pushing me to go through with it, to ignore everyone else’s fears. I listened to it, and it paid of.

I’m not sure what I was looking for with that journey. Part of me was running away, hiding. Part of me was in need of a change of scenario, the thrill of something new. Part of me wanted to prove to the world (or maybe myself) that I could make it on my own. Part of me was full of dreams while the rest didn’t have expectations at all.

I’m really not sure what I was looking for when I left, what I do know, is that I gained so much more than I could ever dream of.

It was a lesson (one that I need to remember more often), to listen to my instincts and leap. To not allow myself to be held back by mine or anyone else’s fears. I still forget it sometimes, I admit.

My life wouldn’t have been over without this experience, I could have settled down, I would have made it work, but I would have never became the person I am today, nor would I have had the same satisfaction. And most important, I would have never met the people that touched my heart in a way that no-one had touched before. Five years have gone by and what I thought was impossible has happened, for despite the distance, my love for them keeps growing every day.

Happy birthday my sweet Munchkins!

“So I'm thankful for the months spent with that family, for everything we shared, every chance we had to grow. I'll take the best of them with me and lead by their example wherever I go.”*

5 Anos

É difícil acreditar que já passaram 5 anos desde que os conheci pela primeira vez.

As pessoas chamaram-me maluca quando deixei o conforto de casa para me aventurar num mundo desconhecido tão distante, mas não as ouvi. Talvez estivesse doida, mas pela primeira vez não quis saber. Pela primeira vez estava a arriscar-me, e apesar do que todos diziam, não podia ter mais certeza que estava a tomar a decisão certa.

Não me acontece com frequência, ter certezas, não ter medo, mas dessa vez aconteceu. Tinha uma voz dentro de mim, a empurrar-me para seguir em frente, para ignorar os medos de toda a gente. Dei-lhe ouvidos, e valeu a pena.

Não sei exactamente do que estava à procura com essa aventura. Parte de mim esta a fugir, a esconder-se. Parte de mim estava a precisar de uma mudança de cenário, da emoção de algo novo. Parte de mim queria provar ao mundo (ou talvez a mim mesma) que conseguia sobreviver sozinha. Parte de mim estava cheia de sonhos, enquanto a outra parte não tinha quaisquer expectativas.

Não tenho mesmo a certeza do que estava à procura quando parti, o que sei é que ganhei muito mais do que alguma vez poderia sonhar.

Foi uma lição (uma que preciso recordar mais vezes), para ouvir os meus instintos e saltar. Para não me limitar pelos medos, os meus, ou os das outras pessoas. Ainda me esqueço disso as vezes, tenho de confessar.

A minha vida não teria terminado sem esta experiência, ter-me-ia acomodado, daria a volta às coisas, arranjaria outras soluções, mas nunca me teria tornado na pessoa que sou hoje, e nunca teria tido a mesma satisfação. Mais importante, nunca teria conhecido as pessoas que tocaram o meu coração de uma maneira que eu não sabia possível. Passaram-se 5 anos, e o que eu pensava ser impossível aconteceu, pois apesar da distância o meu amor por eles continua a crescer todos os dias.

Parabéns meus Munchkins!

“Estou grata pelos meses que passei com esta família, por tudo o que partilhámos, cada oportunidade que tivemos de crescer. Trago o melhor deles comigo e sigo o seu exemplo onde quer que vá”*

*Adapted from A.J. Cook as J.J. In Criminal Minds S06E02

Only human

Human mind is a crazy thing. You hide things on the back of your mind for so long that for a while it’s like they never happened.

You don’t have to make a deliberate effort to forget, it just happens. Like it wasn’t important. Like your mind recognizes the need to protect itself and just acts on it’s on.

You’ll remember eventually. It can take years, but there’s always something that triggers these memories. Often things that you can’t even explain. And sometimes it’s only then, years after the events took place that you allow yourself to think about them and about what they meant.

How, even if you didn’t even remembered them, they affected you throughout the years.

Human mind is a crazy thing. There are tons of reasons why we push memories away – fear, shame, embarrassment, nostalgia… we all do it at some point. It gives us a (false) sense of security. For a while, until you’re ready to deal with it, or until you don’t have a choice. The only thing is that it always comes back.

Human mind is a crazy thing, but no matter how good you are, you can’t hide from your conscience forever, because at the end of the day... you're only human. 

Insomnia

Wide awake.

The clock keeps ticking your eyes are heavy and yet you’re wide awake.

You thought you were tired, you should be tired. And yet you’re wide awake.

There are no evident worries, no evident reasons, or maybe you just got so used to live with them that you don’t even see them anymore. And yet you’re wide awake.

You wonder why you shy away from sleeping when dreaming has always been your safe place.

You toss and turn, struggle to stay still in bed waiting for what you know won’t come.

Oddly enough, there are moments when you fear you bed, what was supposed to be the most comforting place in the world, for you fear another restless night, another failure.  

You can’t stop it, how fast your thoughts go, tik tik tik tik tik. 

It’s like being trapped in your own mind. A slave to your own brain. The more you try to fall asleep more alert you get.

Eventually you resign and say hello to the nighttime, your oldest friend. The one that holds all you secrets and yet won’t give you a break.

A restless mind, that’s what you have. And in the desperation of the dawn you envy the easy sleepers. Whom could never understand what it’s like to lay in bed for hours while you brain refuses to settle, obsessing about everything and anything.

Those who sleep easily always complain that the night is too short, but for those of us who stay up all night, sometimes it seems endless.

It’s a shameless kind of torture, because while the rest of the world is fast asleep you stay up all night, obsessing and mentally punishing yourself over the most random thoughts. Your mind buzzing about every single conversation, every action, every missed opportunity or mistake.

Even the silence that you so much appreciate becomes overwhelming, because when the rest of the world is safely tucked in their dreams there’s nothing preventing you for listening to your inner voice – your own worst enemy. And in the 5 am silence is when you realize how alone you are. 

Returning home/Regresso a casa

Being back home feels nice. I think it always does after you’ve been away for a long time, at least for a while…

You get to see all your friends again, see how much or how little things have changed. You get to let yourself be comforted with feeling that getting settled back in your world is still surprisingly easy, despite all the time you’ve been away.

It’s interesting to see how different things are from the first time you left. The excitement of having you back is still the same, but people didn’t seem to panic so much with your absence this time. It’s not like they care less, but it’s almost like they’re starting to learn that you can’t be held for too long in the same place. 

The transition is also smother for yourself you think. Now that it’s your second time returning home, now that you already know what to expect, now that being torn between wanting to be in 2 (or more) places at the same time doesn’t take you by surprise anymore, now that you came to peace with the fact that you’ll probably never be able to have all the people you care about in the same country, not even in the same continent for all that matters!

It’s a brilliant opportunity to go abroad, to have a chance to reinvent yourself (even if you often come to the conclusion that somehow you always end up with the same roles), to be challenged, to be appreciated, to live. Returning home doesn’t have to be the end of it though. How you disseminate your experience, how you share your stories with your friends and family, how you inspire people to find out more about other cultures, that’s all still part of it, and that’s why it’s still very exciting to return home everytime, at least for a while…

Everything has a cost, so you do miss some things – the people, the places, the routines, even the language that used to drive you mad – but you never really leave them behind, they just become one more thing you carry around every day, wherever you go.

It’s a though lesson, it’s not always easy, but you learn to cope with the distance. You move on with the hope that one day your paths will meet again and with a promise that if you can’t have them all with you at all times, you make the best of every moment you get together.

Regresso a casa

Voltar a casa sabe bem. Acho que sabe sempre bem quando estás fora uma temporada longa, pelo menos por uns tempos…

Vês os teus amigos novamente, vês como as coisas mudaram tanto ou tão pouco. Sentes o conforto que vem quando percebes que a reintegração no teu mundo ainda é fácil, apesar de todo o tempo que estiveste longe.

É interessante ver como as coisas são diferentes desde a primeira vez que partiste. O entusiasmo de te ter de volta é o mesmo, mas as pessoas já não parecem entrar tão em pânico com a tua ausência como antes. Não é que se importem menos, é quase como se começassem a perceber que não te podem prender por muito tempo no mesmo sítio.

Para ti a transição também é mais fácil, apercebeste. Agora que é a segunda vez que retornas a casa, agora que já sabes o que esperar, agora que o facto de te sentires dividida entre querer estar em 2 (ou mais) sítios ao mesmo tempo já não te surpreende, agora que aceitaste que provavelmente nunca vais conseguir ter todos aqueles de quem gostas no mesmo país, nem sequer no mesmo continente!

Ir para fora é uma oportunidade brilhante, poderes reinventar-te (mesmo se depressa te apercebas que acabas sempre com os mesmos papeis), de te desafiares, de seres apreciada, de viver. Regressar a casa não tem de ser o fim de tudo isso. Como tu divulgas a tua experiência, como partilhas as histórias com amigos e família, como inspiras os outros a descobrirem novas culturas, tudo isso faz parte, e é por isso que é sempre interessante regressar a casa, pelo menos por uns tempos…

Tudo tem um preço, por isso tens saudades de algumas coisas – das pessoas, dos sítios, das rotinas, até mesmo da língua que te costumava deixar de cabelos em pé – mas nunca as deixas para trás, tornam-se apenas mais uma coisa que carregas contido todos os dias, onde quer que vás.

É uma lição difícil, nem sempre é fácil, mas aprendes a viver com a distância. Segues o teu caminho com a esperança que um dia as vossas histórias se cruzem novamente, e com a promessa que, se não podes ter toda a gente contigo a toda a hora, aproveitarás ao máximo cada momento que tenham juntos. 

Dziękuję bardzo Minsk Mazowiecki!

Po Polsku - Tutaj

In English - Here

Em Portugês - Aqui

Dziękuję Minsk Mazowiecki

Cześć wszystkim! Jeśli Was oznaczyłam, to oznacza, że należą Wam się specjalne podziękowania. Jeśli jesteście więc zbyt leniwi, żeby przeczytać to wszystko poniżej, po prostu znajdźcie swoje imię!

Mój EVS dobiega do końca. Po długiej drodze, która rozpoczęła się prawie 5 lat temu, przyszła pora powiedzieć do widzenia. Siedem ostatnich miesięcy były wspaniałe. Mogłabym powiedzieć, że EVS był wszystkim o czym marzyłam, ale skłamałabym, bo nie był... - prawdą jest, że było to o wiele więcej niż mogłabym sobie kiedykolwiek wymarzyć. Cieszę się, że to, żeby zostać wolontariuszem EVS w Mińsku zajęło mi tyle czasu, bo teraz jeszcze bardziej doceniam daną mi szansę.

Niemożliwym jest, aby wyliczyć wszystko, co tu zrobiłam i czego się nauczyłam podczas tego projektu. Mogę jednak bez wahania powiedzieć, że to była jedna z najlepszych rzeczy, która przydarzyła mi się w życiu. Nie zawsze było kolorowo, było wiele wzlotów i upadków, kroków w tył i wyzwań, ale czuję, że wyniosłam coś z każdej z tych sytuacji i mogę szczerze przyznać, że niewątpliwie tych pozytywnych rzeczy było więcej.

Miałam bardzo sprecyzowane cele jadąc na EVS i darzyłam ten projekt ogromnym szacunkiem. Dlatego też od początku ciężko pracowałam i dałam z siebie wszystko przez te 7 miesięcy. Wiem, że zasługujemy na uznanie dla naszej pracy. Jednakże zdaję sobie sprawę z tego, że pomimo naszych wysiłków, nie byłybyśmy w stanie zrobić tego wszystkiego bez wsparcia wielu osób. Dlatego tak ważne jest dla mnie, aby podziękować każdej osobie, która w jakikolwiek sposób pomogła mi podczas tego projektu.

Więc bez dalszego przeciągania, ogromne podziękowania dla:

Wolontariuszy krótkoterminowych – wasz przyjazd spowodował, że spojrzałyśmy na świat z innej perspektyw, pozwolił nam spojrzeć w przeszłość oraz zobaczyć jak daleko doszłyśmy.

Polskich wolontariuszy (młodych i jeszcze młodszych) – za pomoc i bycie “dostępnym”, za bycie chętnym i skorym do pomocy i za udział w naszych akacjach.

Personelu z biblioteki – za bycie niesamowicie otwartym i miłym dla nas. Szczególne podziękowania dla Asi i  Ani za zaangażowanie nas w pracę i zapewnienie przyjaznego środowiska.

Nauczycieli, którzy  zaprosili nas do swoich szkół – za “otwarcie drzwi do ich klas”, za zaufanie nam oraz danie możliwości poprowadzenia naszych warsztatów i zajęć z pełną dowolnością, ale także wsparciem.

Dyrektorów szkół – za wsparcie i docenienie naszej pracy.

Mentorów – moich i dziewczyn, niektórych bardziej obecnych, innych mniej, ale wszystkich niewiarygodnie pomocnych  i “dostępnych”, kiedy tylko była taka potrzeba.

Dzieci – małych i dużych, od maluchów po nastolatków za bycie otwartym, za dobre zachowanie, za stawianie przed nami wyzwań, za bycie szczęśliwym z powodu tego, że nas widzą, za przychodzenie na nasze zajęcia, za zainteresowanie i współpracę.

Sąsiadów z naszego budynku – których nauczyłyśmy, że miło jest powiedzieć “dzień dobry”, gdy spotykamy się  w windzie.

Pani pracującej w Tesco  - która zawsze próbowała rozmawiać z nami po angielsku (pomimo trudności) i  nawet nauczyła się paru słówek po hiszpańsku, żeby zrobić nas nas wrażenie.

Wszystkich pozostałych mieszkańców Mińska – za bycie niesamowicie entuzjastycznym za każdym razem, gdy udało nam się powiedzieć coś po polsku

Sean'a – z którym udało nam się wymienić wiele pomysłów i nauczyć nowych technik

Rodziców Elizy – za dostarczanie tego, co potrzebowałyśmy i za dzielenie się z nami polskimi tradycjami. Po prostu za bycie kochanym.

Przemka – za bycie naszym małym pomocnikiem i za spędzanie czasu z nami, za rozśmieszanie nas swoimi żartami i droczeniem się z Clare.

Mady i Clare – które dorosły i rozwinęły się dużo bardziej niż myślą. Za dzielnie pomysłów, chwil smutnych i chwil wesołych, wyzwań i sukcesów. Za bycie razem przez całe siedem miesięcy pomimo zmęczenia, tęsknoty za rodzinami i przyjaciółmi, a czasami silnej potrzeby przerwy, za podjęcie wyzwania dzielenia ze mną jednego mieszkania.

Raquel – za bycie “powiewem świeżości” i sprawienie, że to lato stało się weselsze, za przywiezienie namiastki domu do Mińska Mazowieckiego, za bycie oddanym i aktywnym, za to, że byłam dumna, że to ja zaprosiłam ją na ten projekt.

Mojej młodszej siostry i przyjaciół, który odwiedzili mnie tutaj – za pokonanie długiej drogi do Polski po prostu, żeby mnie zobaczyć, za bycie ciekawym świata , za zaangażowanie się w nasze szalone akcje, za bycie otwartym i wesołym , za bycie sobą.

Mojej rodziny i przyjaciół, którzy wprawdzie nie odwiedzili nie tu, ale byli wciąż na bieżąco – za oglądanie każdego z naszych vlogów, komentowanie każdego zdjęcia i za uwielbianie naszych “wieści z Polski”.

I oczywiście dla Elizy – której nie wiem nawet jak podziękować za to, że mogłam być częścią tego projektu. Dziękuję za dostrzeżenie we mnie potencjału 5 lat temu i za bycie wytrwałym w staraniu się, żeby ten projekt się odbył i żebym ja mogła wziąć w nim udział , za bycie najlepszym koordynatorem, ale najbardziej za bycie po prostu przyjacielem.

Dziękuję wam wszystkim, bo bez waszego wsparcia i zaufania moja przygoda w Mińsku nie mogłaby mieć miejsca. Jestem naprawdę wdzięczna za czas spędzony w Mińsku Mazowieckim i mogę tylko mieć nadzieję, że więcej ludzi będzie miało szansę doświadczyć tego niesamowitego i wyjątkowego przeżycia.

Thank you Minsk Mazowiecki

Hello everyone, if I tagged you, you have a special thanks below, so if you’re too lazy to read it all just go and find your name!

My EVS is finally coming to an end. After a long journey that started almost 5 year ago, it is now time to say goodbye. These past 7 months were simply amazing. I could say that this EVS was everything that I wished for, but I would be lying, because it wasn’t… truth is that it was so much more than I could ever dream of. I’m glad it took me all this time to become an EVS volunteer because I appreciated the opportunity I was being given so much more now.

It is impossible to put down in words everything I’ve done and learned with this project, but I can say without a doubt that this was one of the most complete experiences I’ve had in my life. It wasn’t all pretty colors and rainbows (pun intended), there were a lot of ups and downs, steps back and challenges, but I feel I’ve learned and grew with each of them, and I can honestly say that the balance is without a doubt positive.

I had very concrete goals for my EVS and I respect this project very much, so from the beginning I worked really hard give my best during this 7 months. I know we deserve credit for our work, however, I am humble enough to realize that despite all my effort, I wouldn’t have been able to do such job if I hadn’t had a favorable environment. That’s why it is so important for me to get a chance to properly thank to every single person that in some way helped me complete this program and go home with such a satisfactory feeling.

So, without further due, here it is. A big thank you to:

The EVS short term volunteers – your arrival made us see things from a different perspective, it allowed us to look back and see how far we’ve come.

The Polish volunteers (the young and the very young) – for all the help and availability, for being so excited and eager to help and join all our initiatives.

The library staff – for being so amazingly open and nice to us. Especially to Asia and Ania, for involving us and providing us such a warm environment to work in.

The teachers that invited us to their schools – for opening the doors to their classes. To trust us with their students and giving us the opportunity to run our workshops and activities with full freedom and support.

The schools’ directors – for being so supportive and appreciative of our work.

The mentor’s – mine and the girl’s, some more present than others, but all extremely helpful and available when requested.

The children – big and small, from toddlers to teenagers. For being so welcoming and well behaved. For challenging us, for being so happy to see us, for coming back to all our activities, for being interested and cooperative.

The neighbors in our building – to whom we taught it was nice to greet when meeting in the elevator.

The Tesco lady – that always tried to speak in English (even if she couldn’t), and even learned some words in Spanish to try to impress us.

All the other locals – for being so excited every time we said a word in polish.

Sean – with whom we manage to bounce many ideas and learn new techniques.

Eliza’s parents – for always having everything we needed and for sharing their polish traditions with us. Simply for being lovely.

Przemek – for being our little helper and hanging out with us. For making us laugh with his jokes and teasing Clare.

Mada and Clare – who grew up and developed so much more than they realize. For sharing ideas, dramas, challenges and successes. For sticking around for 7 whole months despite being tired, missing their friends and families or being desperate for a break sometimes. For facing with me the challenge of sharing a house.

Raquel – for being a breath of fresh air and make the summer brighter. For bringing me a little bit of that home feeling to Minsk Mazowiecki. For being dedicated and active, for making me proud to have invited her.

My little sister and my friends that visited – for coming all the way to Poland just to see me. For being curious and getting involved in our crazy ideas, for being open and fun, for being them.

My family and friends that didn’t visited but followed our journey closely – for watching each of our vlogs, comment each picture and love our updates.

And of course to Eliza – to whom I can’t even start to put in words how thankful I am to be part of this project. For seeing the potential in me 5 years ago and stick with the idea long enough to make it happen. For being the best coordinator, but most of all for being a friend.

Thank you to all of you because without your support and trust I wouldn’t have had this amazing experience. I’m really grateful for the time I spent in Minsk Mazowiecki and I can only hope that more people have the chance to experience this amazing and unique opportunity!

Obrigada Minsk Mazowiecki

Olá a todos, se vos mencionei é porque tenho um especial obrigada para vocês, por isso se forem demasiado preguiçosos para ler tudo simplesmente procurem o vosso nome!

O meu EVS está finalmente a chegar ao fim. Depois de uma longa jornada que começou há quase 5 anos atrás, chegou finalmente a hora de dizer adeus.

Estes últimos 7 meses foram simplesmente fantásticos. Podia dizer que este EVS foi tudo o que desejei, mas estaria a mentir, porque não foi… a verdade é que foi muito mais do que alguma vez poderia sonhar. Estou contente por ter demorado tanto tempo a realizar o meu desejo de fazer EVS porque agora apreciei ainda mais cada oportunidade que me foi dada.

É impossível pôr em palavras tudo o que fiz e aprendi com este projecto, mas posso dizer, sem dúvidas, que foi uma das experiências mais completas da minha vida. Não foi sempre um mar de rosas, houve muitos altos e baixos e desafios, mas sinto que aprendi e cresci com cada um deles e posso dizer com sinceridade que o balanço é muito positivo.

Tinha objectivos muito específicos para o meu EVS e respeitava já muito este prokecto, por isso desde o inicio que dei tudo de mim. Sei que merecemos crédito pelo nosso trabalho, contudo, admito também que apesar do meu esforço, nada disto teria sido possível se não tivéssemos um ambiente tão favorável e que nos permite-se brilhar. É por isso que é tão importante para mim ter um oportunidade de agradecer a cada pessoa que de uma forma ou de outra me ajudou a completar este programa e regressar a casa com um sentimento de missão cumprida.

Assim, sem mais demoras, aqui está. Um grande obrigada,

Aos voluntários de curta-duração – a vossa chegada fez-me ver tudo de uma perspectiva diferente, permitiu-nos ver o quão longe chegámos.

Aos voluntários polacos (aos jovens e aos muito jovens) – por toda a ajuda e disponibilidade, por estarem sempre tão contentes e entusiasmadas por participarem em todas as nossas iniciativas.

Ao pessoal da biblioteca – por serem tão abertos e simpáticos connosco. Principalmente à Asia e à Ania, por nos envolverem e criarem um ambiente tão bom para nós.

Aos professores que nos convidaram para as suas escolas – por nos abrirem as portas das suas aulas. Por nos confiarem os seus alunos e nos darem a oportunidade de desenvolver workshops e actividades com total liberdade e apoio.

Aos directores das escolas – por nos apoiarem e apreciarem o nosso trabalho.

Aos mentores – as minhas e aos dos outros, uns mais presentes que outros, mas todos extremamente prestáveis e disponíveis quando preciso.

Às crianças – grandes e pequenas, dos bebés aos adolescentes. Por nos receberem e se portarem tão bem. Por nos desafiarem, por ficarem sempre tão contentes por nos ver, por voltarem sempre para mais actividades, por serem interessados e cooperarem.

Aos vizinhos do nosso prédio – a quem ensinámos que é simpático dizer “bom dia” no elevador.

À empregada to supermercado – que tentava sempre falar inglês connosco (apesar de não saber), e ainda tentou aprendeu umas palavras em espanhol para nos impressionar.

À comunidade local – por fazerem uma festa tão grande cada vez que dizíamos uma palavra em polaco.

Ao Sean – com quem trocámos ideais e aprendemos novas técnicas.

Aos pais da Eliza – por terem sempre tudo o que precisávamos e por partilharem connosco as suas tradições polacas. Simplesmente por serem adoráveis.

Ao Przemek – por ser o nosso pequeno ajudante e passar tempo connosco. Por nos fazer rir com as suas piadas.

À Mada e à Clare – que cresceram e se desenvolveram muito mais do que conseguem ver. Por partilharem ideis, dramas, desafios e sucessos. Por aguentarem 7 meses apesar do cansaço, saudades ou vontade de ir de férias. Por enfrentarem comigo os desafios de partilhar uma casa,

À Raquel – por ser uma lufada de ar fresco e animar o verão. Por me trazer um pouco daquele sentimento de casa até Minsk Mazowiecki. Por ser dedicada e activa e me deixar orgulhosa por a ter convidado.

À minha patareca e às amigas que me visitaram – por viajarem até à Polónia só para me ver. Por serem curiosas e aceitarem participar nas nossas ideias malucas, por terem uma mente aberta e serem divertidas, por serem quem são.

À família e amigos que não visitaram mas seguiram de perto a nossa jornada – por verem os nossos vídeos, comentarem cada fotografia e adorarem cada update.

E claro, à Eliza – para quem nem tenho palavras suficientes para explicar o quão contente estou por fazer parte deste projecto. Por ver o meu potencial há 5 anos atrás e insistir na ideia até torna-la realidade. Por ser a melhor coordenadora, mas mais importante que isso, por ser uma amiga.

Obrigada a todos vocês porque sem o vosso apoio e confiança não teria tido esta experiência fantástica. Estou muito grata pelo tempo que passei em Minsk Mazowiecki e desejo apenas que mais pessoas possam experienciar esta oportunidade única e incrível. 

Set yourself apart

We climbed up the stairs after what had been a good morning for a quick meeting.

Seeing the petit lady as soon as we approached the door, we made ourselves noticed and she promptly invited us in.

The older woman greeted us kindly. We had met before and she was always nice and funny. She was quite a character, in her small frame, short hair, using a mix of Cape Verde creole, French and Polish to communicate with us.

We were there for a simple invitation, but before I could even bring up the topic that had brought us there, she initiated a conversation that despite by best efforts I wasn’t able to keep up with. I looked between the two women, eyes focused, hears listening and despite the language barrier it was clear that it wasn’t good news. Understanding loose words here and there I quickly tried to puzzled things together. The concern should be written all over my face, because between her rambling, the older woman took a moment to assure me, in her broken Portuguese, that it was all good.   It wasn’t, not really, but her concerns weren’t directed to me as she made sure to repeat.

When she finished her (more than acceptable) complaints she was still willing to hear us out and more than happy with our ideas. She asked questions and praised our initiatives, she asked me how everything was going and as so many other people that have been following our journey she said “It’s great, you’re doing a lot of things. A lot of different things”. I nodded agreeing fully, knowing how lucky I was for being part of such project. However she surprised me continuing, “Good opportunities are important, but people need to know how to use them, to benefit from them” she said “you’re a good person, you do that” the woman added.

I need that sometimes, a reminder that our journeys are what we make of them. That there’s a reason why we need to keep focused, keep working hard, regardless who or what is going on around us, regardless if sometimes is frustrating and seems pointless to give so much. It’s alright to be grateful for the opportunities we get, I would say it’s needed even, but we can’t underestimate ourselves. It’s not a coincidence that things keep happening for you, it’s not by accident that you are where you are. Luck only gives you the chance, what you make out of it, it’s entirely up to you.  So keep giving all of you, even when no-one else does, because it pays off. You might give more, work harder and longer than the rest, but they will never get where you will get. So whenever you look around and wonder if it’s worth it, whenever you feel tired or like giving anything less than all you got, just don’t back down, don’t give up, because that’s what will set you apart, that’s what will make you extraordinary. 

Auntie's day

Not a mother, a sister or a friend.

But a mix of all the above.

Someone that doesn’t have to be there,

But makes you feel better if she is.

A story teller that fascinates you,

Grabbing your attention with every tale.

A person that doesn’t take herself too serious

Nor is afraid to make fun of herself.

The one that curses with the car that doesn’t work

But doesn’t get upset when you burst in laughter.

Someone that remembers you as a child,

But is able to see you as the woman you are now.

A care giver, that squeezes you tight

And makes you miss her hugs when you’re not even the hugging type.

Someone who always has an open door,

Not just for you, but your friends too.

A person that shares advice, but also her frustrations,

That has strong opinions, but doesn’t judge you.

A comfortable home away from home,

When you’re usually awkward around those who aren’t always there.

A reminder that age means nothing,

That friendship doesn’t look at numbers.

A friend, an aunt, that means so much more than others never could,

One more proof that family has nothing to do with blood, but with love. 

You learn

You learn to avoid the busy crowds

You learn to push away the dark clouds

You learn how to silence your thoughts

Though it takes swallowing some knots

You learn to stop, breathe deep and smile

You learn to deal with the constant trial

You learn somehow to like the dark

Even if you still dream to find that spark

You learn to face the sleepless nights

You learn to make it all feel right

You learn how to amuse yourself

Even if it’s not enough for anyone else

You learn to cope with the mood swings

You learn to embrace the fear that clings

You learn how to survive the pain

As fighting it seems to be in vain 

Right here

The children’s voices echo through the halls and reach the quietness of the room. It’s not distracting or annoying, simply satisfying. The challenges and long hours almost forgotten as the laughs fill in the air.

There’s a sense of accomplishment that comes from facing what’s new instead of shying away in the shadows. For being brave, despite the fear.

A realization that there’s much to learn and improve, but already so much to be proud of.

A confirmation that the right choices have been made, and whatever experiences happened in the past, led to right here, this very moment. 

Today and Forever/Hoje e sempre - Marta

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

I know I wrote about this before, I know there’s not much left to say, and yet I can’t stop myself. I can’t ignore this day, and I don’t know how to express myself without writing.

I sit here looking at the blank page, wishing I could write something worthy of her, something that could honor her memory, but there’s not enough talent in the world for that, or at least I don’t have it.

I don’t think I had ever felt so betrayed in my life, one moment it was all perfect, and with one phone call everything changed. It has been 7 years and somehow it’s all still so clear in my mind. Every single second of that day and the ones that followed. All of what’s been said. Everything I felt. All the questions I had with no-one to ask, all the answers I gave wishing only they were right.

I don’t cry, I’m not that person, and yet I can’t hold the tears when I allow myself to go back to that day. It was a shock, a punch in the face, a welcome to adult life, where things are not always fair. I felt a kind of pain I didn’t know I could feel, I felt things I didn’t know I had in me.

I couldn’t understand how the rest of the world could keep going so naturally. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I also couldn’t stand talking about anything else, because nothing else seemed to matter.

Everything changed after that day. We didn’t always talk about it, that’s not the kind of family we are, because we need to be strong and take care of eachother, whatever it takes, but there’s was this silent agreement and everything changed.

She had a great spirit, and a huge heart, we had our dreams, and it’s hard to imagine where we would all be if she was still here, but she’s not, and nothing can bring her back. All we have left it’s her memory, what she taught us, and all we can do is try our best to honor her every day.

“Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you failed. Did it needed to end that way? Could something have been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place? (…) Sometimes there are no words, no cleaver quotes to neatly sum up what happened that day. Sometimes, the day just… ends!”*

Hoje e Sempre – Marta

Sei que já escrevi sobre isto antes, sei que não há muito a acrescentar, mas não consigo evitar. Não consigo ignorar este dia, e não sei como me expressar sem a escrita.

Aqui me sento a olhar para a página em branco, desejando conseguir escrever algo digno da pessoa que ela era, algo que honra-se a sua memória, mas não há talento suficiente no mundo para isso, ou pelo eu não o tenho.

Nunca me senti tão traída na minha vida como naquele dia. Num momento tudo estava perfeito, e com um telefonema tudo mudou. Passaram sete anos e ainda está tudo tão claro na minha mente. Cada segundo desse dia, e dos que se seguiram. Tudo o que foi dito. Tudo o que eu senti. Todas as perguntas que eu tinha sem ninguém para responder, todas as respostas que dei sem saber se estavam certas.

Eu não choro, não sou essa pessoa, e no entanto não consigo segurar as lágrimas cada vez que me permito voltar a esse dia. Senti um tipo de dor que não sabia que podia sentir, senti coisas que não sabia que tinha dentro de mim.

Não conseguia perceber como o resto do mundo podia continuar tão naturalmente. Não queria falar sobre isso, mas também não aguentava falar sobre mais nada, porque nada mais interessava.

Tudo mudou depois desse dia. Nem sempre falamos nisso, não é o tipo de família que somos, porque precisamos de ser fortes e tomar conta uns dos outros, aconteça o que acontecer, mas houve um acordo silencioso, e tudo mudou.

Ela tinha um espirito fantástico e um coração enorme, tínhamos os nossos sonhos, e é difícil imaginar onde estaríamos todos se ela ainda estivesse aqui, mas não está, e nada a pode trazer de volta. Tudo o que nos resta é a sua memória, o que nos ensinou, e o tudo o que podemos fazer é dar o nosso melhor para honrá-la todos os dias.

“Às vezes não há palavras, não há citações brilhantes para resumir o que aconteceu naquele dia. Às vezes fazes tudo certo, tudo exactamente certo, e mesmo assim sentes que falhaste. Será que tinha de acabar assim? Poderia algo ter sido feito para evitar a tragédia? (…) Às vezes não há palavras, não há citações brilhantes para resumir o que aconteceu naquele dia. Às vezes o dia simplesmente…acaba”*

*Quote by Thomas Gibson as Aaron Hotchner In  Criminal Minds S04E26 

Lithuania: The other dream team / Lituânia: A outra equipa de sonho

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo. 

“The dream of freedom is bigger than any game”*

Sometimes travelling is painful for me, because it makes me realize how little I know… about people, cultures, history. It’s amazing the things you can learn by travelling, when you least expected, about what you least expected.

One of my goals for my EVS was to get to know Easter Europe, and though I didn’t manage to go as far as Russia, I knew I wanted to at least get to know countries like Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. Countries that I didn’t know much about and that despite being in Europe, were far enough have a completely different history and culture from Portugal.

My fellow volunteers had no interest about visiting “those” countries, my family was concerned that I was visiting “those” countries all alone, and I didn’t even know I had expectations or preconceptions about this side of Europe until I arrived in Vilnius (Lithuania) and realized I was surprised with what I found. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it was different. It was my first stop while visiting the Baltic countries, and I loved it.

I really enjoyed the city, so green, and the passion they shared with Basketball easily won me over, but it was after I left that I learned more about this country’s history.

Before starting my visit to the next country I decided to follow a local’s suggestion and watch the movie/documentary “The other dream team”. I’m not a movie person, but this was about the place I had just visited and my biggest passion, so I figure I would give it a try.

I often say that Basketball save my life, because I wouldn’t be where I am today without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it, but for Lithuania it didn’t just saved one life, it saved one nation.

I’ve known for a long time that Basketball is more than just a game, but when I discovered the passion Lithuania had for it, that’s all I thought it was, a passion for a game. But I was wrong.  I had to dig deeper to discover the true meaning behind this devotion, and it turns out it’s much bigger than I could ever imagine.

I won’t go much about the movie other than to say that I recommend it to everyone, Basketball fan or not. It’s a wonderful, real life story. To me it was an eye opener about simple things we take for granted, about how not so long ago people not so far away from us lived in completely different conditions. And I know it’s not over, that further away or not, this still exists, but to me it was an inspiring story about overcoming obstacles and fight with different “weapons”.

“How did I survived? Basketball”*

Now, more than ever this makes sense to me.

Lituânia: A outra equipa de sonho

"O sonho da liberdade é maior que qualquer jogo"*

Às vezes viajar torna-se doloroso para mim, pois apercebo-me do pouco que sei… sobre as pessoas, culturas, história. É impressionante as coisas que se podem aprender ao viajar, quando menos esperas, sobre o que menos esperas.

Um dos meus objectivos para o EVS era conhecer a Europa de Este, e apesar de não ter consigo ir tão longe como à Rússia, sabia que queria pelo menos conhecer países como a Estónia, Letónia e Lituânia. Países sobre os quais sabia pouco ou nada, e que apesar de pertencerem à Europa estavam longe o suficiente de Portugal para terem uma história e uma cultura muito diferentes.

As minhas colegas voluntárias não tinham interesse em visitar “esses” países, a minha família estava preocupada por eu ir visitar “esses” países sozinha, e eu nem me apercebi que tinha expectativas ou preconceitos sobre este lado da Europa até ter chegado a Vilnius (Lituânia) e perceber que estava surpreendida com o que via. Foi a minha primeira paragem na visita aos países bálticos, e adorei.

Gostei muito da cidade, tanto verde, e com a paixão que tem pelo Basketball conquistou-me facilmente, mas foi depois de ter partido que aprendi mais sobre a história deste país.

Antes de iniciar a visita ao destino seguinte, decidi seguir a sugestão da guia local e ver o filme/documentário “The other dream team” (“A outra equipa de sonho”). Não sou fã de filmes, mas este era sobre um sítio que tinha acabado de visitar e sobre a minha maior paixão, pelo que decidi tentar.

Digo com frequência que o Basketball salvou a minha via, pois não estaria onde estou hoje sem ele, porque não seria a pessoa que sou hoje sem ele, mas para a Lituânia o Basketball não salvou apenas uma vida, salvou uma nação.

Sei há já muito tempo que o Basketball é mais do que apenas um jogo, mas quando descobri a paixão que a Lituânia tinha por este desporto achei que era apenas isso, a paixão por um jogo. Mas estava errada. Tive de investigar mais fundo para descobrir a verdadeira razão por detrás desta devoção, e no final é bastante mais importante do que eu alguma vez poderia imaginar.

Não vou falar muito sobre o filme, apenas dizer que o recomendo a toda a gente, fãs de Basketball ou não. É uma história real fantástica. Para mim foi um alerta sobre as pequenas coisas que tomamos como certas, sobre como, não há muito tempo atrás, pessoas não tão longe de nós viviam em condições tão diferentes. E eu sei que isso não acabou, que longe ou perto, essas situações ainda acontecem, mas para mim foi uma história inspiradora sobre ultrapassar obstáculos e lutar com “armas” diferentes.  

“Como sobrevivi? Basketball”*

Agora mais que nunca isto faz sentido.

Quote from “The other dream team”/Citação do Filme “The other dream team”

Outpourings of a rambling mind

There’s so much to tell and not enough words. Maybe it’s because I write about thoughts, rather than feelings.

Big empty pieces of paper scare me, so does the possibility of not doing something great with my life.

I’m having a great time here, I’m really enjoying it, and yet there’s something missing. Why does it always have to be something missing?

I need inspiration sometimes, great stories to keep me going, a pep talk for the brain… and the soul. Real stories of bravery and success.

I notice things, too many things, way too much for my own good. But I can’t help it, I can’t disconnect, and since I’m not speaking, I listen and observe.

To some degree I’ve learn to accept, to live with myself, to push a little, but know my limits, to identify the triggers, to allow myself to use my coping mechanisms.

I still don’t sleep much, and even when I do, I often don’t rest. There’re too may thoughts coming in all the time. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel enough, or maybe I feel too much… somehow I can’t be sure.

I feel bad for winning and I can’t take compliments.

I have friends, yet I’m often alone.

I’m everyone’s confident, but I trust no-one.

I don’t want to think, but that’s all I seem able to do.

I wish I could meditate. I’m already good at shutting out the world, if I could only learn how to shut myself out…

I keep trying to find my place, wondering if I’m just denying that I might not have one.

They don’t get it, most of them I don’t care. I don’t judge them for their choices, so I don’t like them commenting on mine, even if the words are not always spoken… did I mentioned I notice things?

Sometimes people are embarrassed to “confess” some things to me, and maybe I should feel glad they care that much about losing my respect, but I just think it’s sad. I don’t mind people not telling me things, if it’s personal I’ll never ask, I figure they’ll share when they’re ready. The lying, however, I can’t say I like. But then again, how many times have I said I was fine when my inside was falling apart?

I need to be quiet, to be alone, but in the silence there’s no way to avoid my thoughts.

Sometimes I really wish I could be uncomplicated, but then I wonder if I would still have gotten here.

Defying Gravity - The truth about volunteering and EVS

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal"*

Things that we think that we do for others offer end up being things that we do for ourselves, and volunteering might just be one of those things.

Everyone seems so grateful and impressed with our work as volunteers, but they can’t even being to understand how much these experiences do for us too. There are so many things I never thought I would do… even less enjoy, and yet here we are. The experiences, the challenges, the opportunities to face our fears and succeed… being able to learn through life experiences what can’t be taught in books.

Seeing how others live, observing the differences, take what’s best from each environment and learn to understand the worst. Learn to look for the story before jumping in with judgmental comments.

The chance to develop your skills, find new talents and be appreciated for doing what you like. Feel the gratitude and allow it to feed your dreams of doing something bigger.

People don’t understand why someone would work for free, but that’s only because they can’t see that rewards don’t always come in the form of money. We’re getting something in return, in fact, we’re getting so much in return that often I wonder who’s benefiting more with this project. I don’t work for free, I work for the learning and the challenge, the adventures and the smiles, I work for the chance to make a difference.

You learn to learn. To pay attention, to participate, not because they made you, but because you want to be more, to evolve.

There’s so much to be explored, and sometimes you just need the time and tools to do it. You learn to be responsible for your own path, or at least you should. It doesn’t matter if it’s always fair, if you work harder, if you give more, because at the end of the day it all depends on what your goals are. You give as much as you want based on what you want to achieve.

Some people claim they don’t like to think, but to me, reflecting about what we’re doing and where we’re going helps me to focus, to keep motivated.

There are so many different stories, different people, different backgrounds, different experiences and expectations, and by talking and sharing we may discover different perspectives and reasonings.

“What’s the meaning of EVS?” they ask, and I don’t really think there’s one answer to that question. I think EVS means a lot of different things, and what really matters is what it means for you now, when you are living it.

People will see your EVS differently, depending on their knowledge and their perspectives, and that’s alright. The important thing is that you keep true to yourself and don’t forget your goals.

There’s so much I’ve achieved with EVS so far, and sometimes it’s hard to believe that you’ll keep changing, but I don’t want the progression to be over. We’re halfway there and though I feel I’ve accomplished a lot so far, I still want more. I will always want more.

I’m learning how to be proud of myself… I never really felt I deserved all the credit for my Au Pair year. It was, without a doubt, the best experience of my life, but it all started because I was too scared and had to run away. It worked out great, but in a way I was choosing the easiest road. With EVS is different, I didn’t have to put myself through this, I had other options, I had safer options, and yet here I am, because I wanted to go further, because no matter how much I hate to leave my comfort zone, what I hate even more is to feel stale, to feel that I’m not learning, that I’m not doing something for people, for myself.

I keep looking for something I’m not quite sure what it is, but along the way I found a way to make the journey more interesting and memorable.

*Albert Pine Quoted Mandy Patinkin as Jason Gideon In  Criminal Minds S01E02 

Working with kids

I like working with kids, there’s no doubt about it. Sometimes is tough, often is a lot of work, but there’s nothing more rewarding than the smiles and hugs you get when you manage to reach them.

I’m not a happy person, I often get lost in the worries inside my head, so I love when I finish an activity with this feeling of accomplishment. It’s not always clear what goes behind the scenes, some people think it’s just showing up and play some games, but there’s a lot of work behind it. A lot of thinking, a lot of planning, a lot of stress and above all, a lot of challenges. It’s easy to lose the big picture when you’re tired and cranky and… scared, but it’s all worth it. Every step back, every last minute change, every hard group, every panic attack prepares you for something bigger. And if you just hold on long enough, sooner you’ll see how you wouldn’t have it any other way.