Insomnia

Wide awake.

The clock keeps ticking your eyes are heavy and yet you’re wide awake.

You thought you were tired, you should be tired. And yet you’re wide awake.

There are no evident worries, no evident reasons, or maybe you just got so used to live with them that you don’t even see them anymore. And yet you’re wide awake.

You wonder why you shy away from sleeping when dreaming has always been your safe place.

You toss and turn, struggle to stay still in bed waiting for what you know won’t come.

Oddly enough, there are moments when you fear you bed, what was supposed to be the most comforting place in the world, for you fear another restless night, another failure.  

You can’t stop it, how fast your thoughts go, tik tik tik tik tik. 

It’s like being trapped in your own mind. A slave to your own brain. The more you try to fall asleep more alert you get.

Eventually you resign and say hello to the nighttime, your oldest friend. The one that holds all you secrets and yet won’t give you a break.

A restless mind, that’s what you have. And in the desperation of the dawn you envy the easy sleepers. Whom could never understand what it’s like to lay in bed for hours while you brain refuses to settle, obsessing about everything and anything.

Those who sleep easily always complain that the night is too short, but for those of us who stay up all night, sometimes it seems endless.

It’s a shameless kind of torture, because while the rest of the world is fast asleep you stay up all night, obsessing and mentally punishing yourself over the most random thoughts. Your mind buzzing about every single conversation, every action, every missed opportunity or mistake.

Even the silence that you so much appreciate becomes overwhelming, because when the rest of the world is safely tucked in their dreams there’s nothing preventing you for listening to your inner voice – your own worst enemy. And in the 5 am silence is when you realize how alone you are.