Set yourself apart

We climbed up the stairs after what had been a good morning for a quick meeting.

Seeing the petit lady as soon as we approached the door, we made ourselves noticed and she promptly invited us in.

The older woman greeted us kindly. We had met before and she was always nice and funny. She was quite a character, in her small frame, short hair, using a mix of Cape Verde creole, French and Polish to communicate with us.

We were there for a simple invitation, but before I could even bring up the topic that had brought us there, she initiated a conversation that despite by best efforts I wasn’t able to keep up with. I looked between the two women, eyes focused, hears listening and despite the language barrier it was clear that it wasn’t good news. Understanding loose words here and there I quickly tried to puzzled things together. The concern should be written all over my face, because between her rambling, the older woman took a moment to assure me, in her broken Portuguese, that it was all good.   It wasn’t, not really, but her concerns weren’t directed to me as she made sure to repeat.

When she finished her (more than acceptable) complaints she was still willing to hear us out and more than happy with our ideas. She asked questions and praised our initiatives, she asked me how everything was going and as so many other people that have been following our journey she said “It’s great, you’re doing a lot of things. A lot of different things”. I nodded agreeing fully, knowing how lucky I was for being part of such project. However she surprised me continuing, “Good opportunities are important, but people need to know how to use them, to benefit from them” she said “you’re a good person, you do that” the woman added.

I need that sometimes, a reminder that our journeys are what we make of them. That there’s a reason why we need to keep focused, keep working hard, regardless who or what is going on around us, regardless if sometimes is frustrating and seems pointless to give so much. It’s alright to be grateful for the opportunities we get, I would say it’s needed even, but we can’t underestimate ourselves. It’s not a coincidence that things keep happening for you, it’s not by accident that you are where you are. Luck only gives you the chance, what you make out of it, it’s entirely up to you.  So keep giving all of you, even when no-one else does, because it pays off. You might give more, work harder and longer than the rest, but they will never get where you will get. So whenever you look around and wonder if it’s worth it, whenever you feel tired or like giving anything less than all you got, just don’t back down, don’t give up, because that’s what will set you apart, that’s what will make you extraordinary. 

Auntie's day

Not a mother, a sister or a friend.

But a mix of all the above.

Someone that doesn’t have to be there,

But makes you feel better if she is.

A story teller that fascinates you,

Grabbing your attention with every tale.

A person that doesn’t take herself too serious

Nor is afraid to make fun of herself.

The one that curses with the car that doesn’t work

But doesn’t get upset when you burst in laughter.

Someone that remembers you as a child,

But is able to see you as the woman you are now.

A care giver, that squeezes you tight

And makes you miss her hugs when you’re not even the hugging type.

Someone who always has an open door,

Not just for you, but your friends too.

A person that shares advice, but also her frustrations,

That has strong opinions, but doesn’t judge you.

A comfortable home away from home,

When you’re usually awkward around those who aren’t always there.

A reminder that age means nothing,

That friendship doesn’t look at numbers.

A friend, an aunt, that means so much more than others never could,

One more proof that family has nothing to do with blood, but with love. 

You learn

You learn to avoid the busy crowds

You learn to push away the dark clouds

You learn how to silence your thoughts

Though it takes swallowing some knots

You learn to stop, breathe deep and smile

You learn to deal with the constant trial

You learn somehow to like the dark

Even if you still dream to find that spark

You learn to face the sleepless nights

You learn to make it all feel right

You learn how to amuse yourself

Even if it’s not enough for anyone else

You learn to cope with the mood swings

You learn to embrace the fear that clings

You learn how to survive the pain

As fighting it seems to be in vain 

Right here

The children’s voices echo through the halls and reach the quietness of the room. It’s not distracting or annoying, simply satisfying. The challenges and long hours almost forgotten as the laughs fill in the air.

There’s a sense of accomplishment that comes from facing what’s new instead of shying away in the shadows. For being brave, despite the fear.

A realization that there’s much to learn and improve, but already so much to be proud of.

A confirmation that the right choices have been made, and whatever experiences happened in the past, led to right here, this very moment. 

Today and Forever/Hoje e sempre - Marta

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

I know I wrote about this before, I know there’s not much left to say, and yet I can’t stop myself. I can’t ignore this day, and I don’t know how to express myself without writing.

I sit here looking at the blank page, wishing I could write something worthy of her, something that could honor her memory, but there’s not enough talent in the world for that, or at least I don’t have it.

I don’t think I had ever felt so betrayed in my life, one moment it was all perfect, and with one phone call everything changed. It has been 7 years and somehow it’s all still so clear in my mind. Every single second of that day and the ones that followed. All of what’s been said. Everything I felt. All the questions I had with no-one to ask, all the answers I gave wishing only they were right.

I don’t cry, I’m not that person, and yet I can’t hold the tears when I allow myself to go back to that day. It was a shock, a punch in the face, a welcome to adult life, where things are not always fair. I felt a kind of pain I didn’t know I could feel, I felt things I didn’t know I had in me.

I couldn’t understand how the rest of the world could keep going so naturally. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I also couldn’t stand talking about anything else, because nothing else seemed to matter.

Everything changed after that day. We didn’t always talk about it, that’s not the kind of family we are, because we need to be strong and take care of eachother, whatever it takes, but there’s was this silent agreement and everything changed.

She had a great spirit, and a huge heart, we had our dreams, and it’s hard to imagine where we would all be if she was still here, but she’s not, and nothing can bring her back. All we have left it’s her memory, what she taught us, and all we can do is try our best to honor her every day.

“Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you failed. Did it needed to end that way? Could something have been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place? (…) Sometimes there are no words, no cleaver quotes to neatly sum up what happened that day. Sometimes, the day just… ends!”*

Hoje e Sempre – Marta

Sei que já escrevi sobre isto antes, sei que não há muito a acrescentar, mas não consigo evitar. Não consigo ignorar este dia, e não sei como me expressar sem a escrita.

Aqui me sento a olhar para a página em branco, desejando conseguir escrever algo digno da pessoa que ela era, algo que honra-se a sua memória, mas não há talento suficiente no mundo para isso, ou pelo eu não o tenho.

Nunca me senti tão traída na minha vida como naquele dia. Num momento tudo estava perfeito, e com um telefonema tudo mudou. Passaram sete anos e ainda está tudo tão claro na minha mente. Cada segundo desse dia, e dos que se seguiram. Tudo o que foi dito. Tudo o que eu senti. Todas as perguntas que eu tinha sem ninguém para responder, todas as respostas que dei sem saber se estavam certas.

Eu não choro, não sou essa pessoa, e no entanto não consigo segurar as lágrimas cada vez que me permito voltar a esse dia. Senti um tipo de dor que não sabia que podia sentir, senti coisas que não sabia que tinha dentro de mim.

Não conseguia perceber como o resto do mundo podia continuar tão naturalmente. Não queria falar sobre isso, mas também não aguentava falar sobre mais nada, porque nada mais interessava.

Tudo mudou depois desse dia. Nem sempre falamos nisso, não é o tipo de família que somos, porque precisamos de ser fortes e tomar conta uns dos outros, aconteça o que acontecer, mas houve um acordo silencioso, e tudo mudou.

Ela tinha um espirito fantástico e um coração enorme, tínhamos os nossos sonhos, e é difícil imaginar onde estaríamos todos se ela ainda estivesse aqui, mas não está, e nada a pode trazer de volta. Tudo o que nos resta é a sua memória, o que nos ensinou, e o tudo o que podemos fazer é dar o nosso melhor para honrá-la todos os dias.

“Às vezes não há palavras, não há citações brilhantes para resumir o que aconteceu naquele dia. Às vezes fazes tudo certo, tudo exactamente certo, e mesmo assim sentes que falhaste. Será que tinha de acabar assim? Poderia algo ter sido feito para evitar a tragédia? (…) Às vezes não há palavras, não há citações brilhantes para resumir o que aconteceu naquele dia. Às vezes o dia simplesmente…acaba”*

*Quote by Thomas Gibson as Aaron Hotchner In  Criminal Minds S04E26 

Lithuania: The other dream team / Lituânia: A outra equipa de sonho

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo. 

“The dream of freedom is bigger than any game”*

Sometimes travelling is painful for me, because it makes me realize how little I know… about people, cultures, history. It’s amazing the things you can learn by travelling, when you least expected, about what you least expected.

One of my goals for my EVS was to get to know Easter Europe, and though I didn’t manage to go as far as Russia, I knew I wanted to at least get to know countries like Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania. Countries that I didn’t know much about and that despite being in Europe, were far enough have a completely different history and culture from Portugal.

My fellow volunteers had no interest about visiting “those” countries, my family was concerned that I was visiting “those” countries all alone, and I didn’t even know I had expectations or preconceptions about this side of Europe until I arrived in Vilnius (Lithuania) and realized I was surprised with what I found. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but it was different. It was my first stop while visiting the Baltic countries, and I loved it.

I really enjoyed the city, so green, and the passion they shared with Basketball easily won me over, but it was after I left that I learned more about this country’s history.

Before starting my visit to the next country I decided to follow a local’s suggestion and watch the movie/documentary “The other dream team”. I’m not a movie person, but this was about the place I had just visited and my biggest passion, so I figure I would give it a try.

I often say that Basketball save my life, because I wouldn’t be where I am today without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it, but for Lithuania it didn’t just saved one life, it saved one nation.

I’ve known for a long time that Basketball is more than just a game, but when I discovered the passion Lithuania had for it, that’s all I thought it was, a passion for a game. But I was wrong.  I had to dig deeper to discover the true meaning behind this devotion, and it turns out it’s much bigger than I could ever imagine.

I won’t go much about the movie other than to say that I recommend it to everyone, Basketball fan or not. It’s a wonderful, real life story. To me it was an eye opener about simple things we take for granted, about how not so long ago people not so far away from us lived in completely different conditions. And I know it’s not over, that further away or not, this still exists, but to me it was an inspiring story about overcoming obstacles and fight with different “weapons”.

“How did I survived? Basketball”*

Now, more than ever this makes sense to me.

Lituânia: A outra equipa de sonho

"O sonho da liberdade é maior que qualquer jogo"*

Às vezes viajar torna-se doloroso para mim, pois apercebo-me do pouco que sei… sobre as pessoas, culturas, história. É impressionante as coisas que se podem aprender ao viajar, quando menos esperas, sobre o que menos esperas.

Um dos meus objectivos para o EVS era conhecer a Europa de Este, e apesar de não ter consigo ir tão longe como à Rússia, sabia que queria pelo menos conhecer países como a Estónia, Letónia e Lituânia. Países sobre os quais sabia pouco ou nada, e que apesar de pertencerem à Europa estavam longe o suficiente de Portugal para terem uma história e uma cultura muito diferentes.

As minhas colegas voluntárias não tinham interesse em visitar “esses” países, a minha família estava preocupada por eu ir visitar “esses” países sozinha, e eu nem me apercebi que tinha expectativas ou preconceitos sobre este lado da Europa até ter chegado a Vilnius (Lituânia) e perceber que estava surpreendida com o que via. Foi a minha primeira paragem na visita aos países bálticos, e adorei.

Gostei muito da cidade, tanto verde, e com a paixão que tem pelo Basketball conquistou-me facilmente, mas foi depois de ter partido que aprendi mais sobre a história deste país.

Antes de iniciar a visita ao destino seguinte, decidi seguir a sugestão da guia local e ver o filme/documentário “The other dream team” (“A outra equipa de sonho”). Não sou fã de filmes, mas este era sobre um sítio que tinha acabado de visitar e sobre a minha maior paixão, pelo que decidi tentar.

Digo com frequência que o Basketball salvou a minha via, pois não estaria onde estou hoje sem ele, porque não seria a pessoa que sou hoje sem ele, mas para a Lituânia o Basketball não salvou apenas uma vida, salvou uma nação.

Sei há já muito tempo que o Basketball é mais do que apenas um jogo, mas quando descobri a paixão que a Lituânia tinha por este desporto achei que era apenas isso, a paixão por um jogo. Mas estava errada. Tive de investigar mais fundo para descobrir a verdadeira razão por detrás desta devoção, e no final é bastante mais importante do que eu alguma vez poderia imaginar.

Não vou falar muito sobre o filme, apenas dizer que o recomendo a toda a gente, fãs de Basketball ou não. É uma história real fantástica. Para mim foi um alerta sobre as pequenas coisas que tomamos como certas, sobre como, não há muito tempo atrás, pessoas não tão longe de nós viviam em condições tão diferentes. E eu sei que isso não acabou, que longe ou perto, essas situações ainda acontecem, mas para mim foi uma história inspiradora sobre ultrapassar obstáculos e lutar com “armas” diferentes.  

“Como sobrevivi? Basketball”*

Agora mais que nunca isto faz sentido.

Quote from “The other dream team”/Citação do Filme “The other dream team”

Outpourings of a rambling mind

There’s so much to tell and not enough words. Maybe it’s because I write about thoughts, rather than feelings.

Big empty pieces of paper scare me, so does the possibility of not doing something great with my life.

I’m having a great time here, I’m really enjoying it, and yet there’s something missing. Why does it always have to be something missing?

I need inspiration sometimes, great stories to keep me going, a pep talk for the brain… and the soul. Real stories of bravery and success.

I notice things, too many things, way too much for my own good. But I can’t help it, I can’t disconnect, and since I’m not speaking, I listen and observe.

To some degree I’ve learn to accept, to live with myself, to push a little, but know my limits, to identify the triggers, to allow myself to use my coping mechanisms.

I still don’t sleep much, and even when I do, I often don’t rest. There’re too may thoughts coming in all the time. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel enough, or maybe I feel too much… somehow I can’t be sure.

I feel bad for winning and I can’t take compliments.

I have friends, yet I’m often alone.

I’m everyone’s confident, but I trust no-one.

I don’t want to think, but that’s all I seem able to do.

I wish I could meditate. I’m already good at shutting out the world, if I could only learn how to shut myself out…

I keep trying to find my place, wondering if I’m just denying that I might not have one.

They don’t get it, most of them I don’t care. I don’t judge them for their choices, so I don’t like them commenting on mine, even if the words are not always spoken… did I mentioned I notice things?

Sometimes people are embarrassed to “confess” some things to me, and maybe I should feel glad they care that much about losing my respect, but I just think it’s sad. I don’t mind people not telling me things, if it’s personal I’ll never ask, I figure they’ll share when they’re ready. The lying, however, I can’t say I like. But then again, how many times have I said I was fine when my inside was falling apart?

I need to be quiet, to be alone, but in the silence there’s no way to avoid my thoughts.

Sometimes I really wish I could be uncomplicated, but then I wonder if I would still have gotten here.

Defying Gravity - The truth about volunteering and EVS

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal"*

Things that we think that we do for others offer end up being things that we do for ourselves, and volunteering might just be one of those things.

Everyone seems so grateful and impressed with our work as volunteers, but they can’t even being to understand how much these experiences do for us too. There are so many things I never thought I would do… even less enjoy, and yet here we are. The experiences, the challenges, the opportunities to face our fears and succeed… being able to learn through life experiences what can’t be taught in books.

Seeing how others live, observing the differences, take what’s best from each environment and learn to understand the worst. Learn to look for the story before jumping in with judgmental comments.

The chance to develop your skills, find new talents and be appreciated for doing what you like. Feel the gratitude and allow it to feed your dreams of doing something bigger.

People don’t understand why someone would work for free, but that’s only because they can’t see that rewards don’t always come in the form of money. We’re getting something in return, in fact, we’re getting so much in return that often I wonder who’s benefiting more with this project. I don’t work for free, I work for the learning and the challenge, the adventures and the smiles, I work for the chance to make a difference.

You learn to learn. To pay attention, to participate, not because they made you, but because you want to be more, to evolve.

There’s so much to be explored, and sometimes you just need the time and tools to do it. You learn to be responsible for your own path, or at least you should. It doesn’t matter if it’s always fair, if you work harder, if you give more, because at the end of the day it all depends on what your goals are. You give as much as you want based on what you want to achieve.

Some people claim they don’t like to think, but to me, reflecting about what we’re doing and where we’re going helps me to focus, to keep motivated.

There are so many different stories, different people, different backgrounds, different experiences and expectations, and by talking and sharing we may discover different perspectives and reasonings.

“What’s the meaning of EVS?” they ask, and I don’t really think there’s one answer to that question. I think EVS means a lot of different things, and what really matters is what it means for you now, when you are living it.

People will see your EVS differently, depending on their knowledge and their perspectives, and that’s alright. The important thing is that you keep true to yourself and don’t forget your goals.

There’s so much I’ve achieved with EVS so far, and sometimes it’s hard to believe that you’ll keep changing, but I don’t want the progression to be over. We’re halfway there and though I feel I’ve accomplished a lot so far, I still want more. I will always want more.

I’m learning how to be proud of myself… I never really felt I deserved all the credit for my Au Pair year. It was, without a doubt, the best experience of my life, but it all started because I was too scared and had to run away. It worked out great, but in a way I was choosing the easiest road. With EVS is different, I didn’t have to put myself through this, I had other options, I had safer options, and yet here I am, because I wanted to go further, because no matter how much I hate to leave my comfort zone, what I hate even more is to feel stale, to feel that I’m not learning, that I’m not doing something for people, for myself.

I keep looking for something I’m not quite sure what it is, but along the way I found a way to make the journey more interesting and memorable.

*Albert Pine Quoted Mandy Patinkin as Jason Gideon In  Criminal Minds S01E02 

Working with kids

I like working with kids, there’s no doubt about it. Sometimes is tough, often is a lot of work, but there’s nothing more rewarding than the smiles and hugs you get when you manage to reach them.

I’m not a happy person, I often get lost in the worries inside my head, so I love when I finish an activity with this feeling of accomplishment. It’s not always clear what goes behind the scenes, some people think it’s just showing up and play some games, but there’s a lot of work behind it. A lot of thinking, a lot of planning, a lot of stress and above all, a lot of challenges. It’s easy to lose the big picture when you’re tired and cranky and… scared, but it’s all worth it. Every step back, every last minute change, every hard group, every panic attack prepares you for something bigger. And if you just hold on long enough, sooner you’ll see how you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Mother's Day/Dia da mãe

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

I’ve always had this thing with lists, and writing things down. Maybe because my mind is so messy that I need some sense of structure, maybe because I always had this big fear of forgetting… I don’t know.

When I was younger, whenever I felt wronged or misunderstood by my parents I used to write down all the things I wouldn’t do if I was ever to have children. I wouldn’t take positive notes, but I it was really important for me to have a reminder of all that I didn’t want to become.

I think you go through stages in life… when you’re a child, your parents are your whole world, your saviors, the ones that can make everything right in a second, no matter what. You enjoy spending time with them, you’re eager to please them, and even if you don’t always admit, sometimes you wish you could stay their baby forever. Nothing is too big or too bad, no dream is ever too scary, because you know that all you have to do is run to their arms and everything will be fine again.

Things start changing when you’re not a little kid anymore, when you’re expected to do things on your own, when you realize that there are things that can’t be fixed and some promises that can be broken.  

In your teens, you suddenly realize that your heroes are not perfect, that not only they can’t fix everything, sometimes they just seem to take pleasure in make your day worst. Their priorities are all messed up, they don’t have a clue about what’s really going on with you and they keep calling you out on things that you couldn’t care less about. There’s so much happening around you, so many changes, that it’s hard enough to keep up with it without having to deal with the extra pressure. There’s this strive for independence, the need to find your own identity. Pleasing your parents not only becomes less important, sometimes you even feel the need to make a stand about how different from them you are. It’s a tough period in your life, and even if you play it cool, days where you just wish do disappear come more often than you allow yourself to admit.

Luckily, just as suddenly as it came, all that anger and hate eventually fades away. Some things are never forgotten, and the smallest injustice can still hurt after so many years, but you learn to accept it and move on. Time gives you the ability to see things from a different point of view, and relationships where you try your best though you have no clue of what you’re doing, help you realize how difficult it is to love someone so much without smothering them or try to stop them to make mistakes. You learn to own your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions when the ability to empathize with your parents (that had been lost for years), reappears and it helps you see that maybe, just maybe, some of the pain was also caused by how you decided to deal with things.

You’re not a kid anymore, even if you still haven’t figured out how you feel about it most of the time. Your parents are confiding in you now, asking your opinion, wanting advice, and there’s something about having them admitting that they don’t know all the answers, that makes them more human. Something strikes in you when you understand how hard it is to make choices about a person when you have no guarantees of what will be best for them.  Eventually you start thinking that maybe you should rephrase your lists and instead of focusing on the person that you don’t want to be, you should focus about the one you want to become.

It is said that when you get older, or have children of your own, you finally understand all of those little things that your parents used to do that you hated so much. I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but I know now that parenthood is tough. And that regardless the fact that in the future you might end up agreeing with their choices or not, for the best and for the worst, parental figures will mark your life.

Sometimes you need to take a step back for a while, but hopefully afterwards, if you look closer you’ll be able to see the whole picture. You won’t magically wake up one day thinking that your parents are the most perfect creatures in the world, but you might realize here and there, how the way you were raised helped you get where you are today.

Dia da Mãe

Sempre tive a mania de fazer listas e escrever anotações. Talvez porque a minha cabeça é tão caótica que preciso de sentir alguma organização, talvez porque sempre tive este medo enorme de me esquecer das coisas… não sei.

Quando era mais miúda, sempre que me sentia injustiçada ou incompreendida pelos meios pais costumava escrever todas as coisas que não faria se alguma vez tivesse filhos. Não apontava factores positivos, mas era muito importante para mim ter algo que me lembrasse daquilo que eu não me queria tornar.

Acho que passamos por diferentes fases durante a vida… quando és uma criança, os teus pais são o teu mundo, os teus heróis, aqueles que, aconteça o que acontecer, podem fazer com que tudo fique bem em apenas um segundo. Gostas de passar tempo com eles, estás sempre ansioso por agradá-los, e apesar de nem sempre admitires, às vezes desejas que pudesses ficar o seu bebé para sempre. Nada é demasiado grande ou mau, nenhum sonho é demasiado assustador, porque sabes que tudo o que tens de fazer é correr para os seus braços que tudo ficará bem.

As coisas mudam quando deixas de ser uma criança pequena, quando esperam que faças coisas sozinho, quando te apercebes que há coisas que não se podem resolver e promessas que se podem quebrar.

Durante a adolescência, de repente apercebeste que os teus heróis não são perfeitos. Que não só não podem resolver tudo, às vezes parecem ter prazer em tornar o teu dia mais difícil. As suas prioridades estão todas trocadas, não fazem ideia do que se passa contigo na realidade, e estão sempre a chamar-te a atenção sobre pormenores que para ti não significam nada. Há tanta coisa a acontecer à tua volta, tantas mudanças, é suficientemente difícil seguir em frente sem ter de lidar com a pressão extra. Há uma necessidade de independência, de encontrares a tua própria identidade. Agradar os teus pais não só deixa de ser menos importante, às vezes tens mesmo a necessidade de mostrar o quão diferente deles tu és. É um período difícil, e mesmo que finjas que não te afecta, dias em que só queres desaparecer são mais comuns do que admites a ti mesmo.

Felizmente, tão depressa como veio, a raiva e o ódio acabam por desvanecer. Algumas coisas não se esquecem, as mais pequenas injustiças ainda magoam passados tantos anos, mas aprendes a aceitá-las e a seguir em frente. O tempo dá-te a capacidade de ver as coisas numa perspectiva diferente, e as relações em que dás o teu melhor apesar de não teres a mais pequena ideia do que estás a fazer, ajudam-te a perceber como é difícil amar alguém e não o sufocar, ou tentar impedir que cometa erros. Aprendes a assumir os teus erros e a aceitar responsabilidade pelas tuas acções quando a capacidade de empatizar com os teus pais (que há anos andava perdida), reaparece e te ajuda a ver que se calhar, parte do problema foi causada pela forma como tu decidiste ligar com as coisas.

Já não és uma criança, mesmo que a maior parte do tempo ainda não tenhas a certeza do que sentes sobre isso. Os teus pais começaram a confidenciar-te os seus problemas, a pedir a tua opinião, a querer conselhos, e há algo no facto de admitirem que não têm todas as respostas que os torna mais humanos.  Há algo que em ti desperta, quando compreendes como é difícil fazer escolhas por alguém sem ter garantias do que é melhor para eles. Com o tempo, começas a pensar em refazer as tuas listas, e ao invés de te focares na pessoa que não queres ser, talvez devesses focar-te na pessoa que te queres tornar.

Dizem que quando cresces, ou tens os teus próprios filhos, finalmente percebes todas as pequenas coisas que os teus pais faziam e que odiavas tanto. Não sei se acredito que isso é verdade, mas sei que ser pai é difícil, e que independentemente do facto de no futuro poderes vir a concordar com as suas escolhas ou não, para o melhor e para o pior, as figuras paternais marcam a tua vida.

Às vezes é preciso distanciarmo-nos por um momento, mas com sorte depois, se olhares com atenção, vais conseguir ver tudo de forma mais clara. Não vais acordar um dia e, magicamente, pensar que os teus pais são as criaturas mais perfeitas do universo, mas talvez que apercebas, aqui e ali, de como a forma como foste criado te ajudou a chegar onde estás hoje. 

From: 13.04.2014

It’s coming. I can fell it.

I’ve been deflecting, it seems to work for a while, but it keeps coming back, and I’m so tired… so tired of these tides, so tired of having to fight them over and over again. And I’ve been fighting, I swear I have, but I don’t seem able to push them away for good.

I won’t go as far as saying that I’ve been good, but I’ve been okay. I’ve been paying attention to the symptoms. I’ve been ignoring the voices in my head that need to be ignored, but though I try to hear only the good ones, I don’t seem able to convince myself to believe them.

And the worst part is that it has been good, I’m doing things, I had a good day, and yet I feel this pain inside, this hole that threatens to swallow me any minute.

And I know it’s me, it’s all me. But why?

I’ve been to so many places, done so much, so why can’t I work this out? Why can’t I get rid of these moods? Why do I have to lose it like this every once in a while? Why can’t I just shake it off?

I don’t go as deep as I used to, but some days I just feel like crying life if there was no tomorrow. 

It's worth it!/Vale a pena!

It’s for moments like this that we do what we do. This is what keeps us going. This is what makes me be certain of the choices I have made. It’s not always easy, but it’s definitely worth it. When you see the huge difference, only a few days can make. When you see the smile on their faces as soon as they see you. When you see the appreciation in their parents eyes. When you hear how thankful they are for your presence in their kids’ life.

When the girl that wouldn’t let go of her mom’s hand drops everything and comes running to you as soon as you arrive, and then you discover that her parents were worried because their toddler has a barrier with people. When she hugs you so close that the language barrier means nothing. When she just look you in the eyes and smile, telling what words could never express.

Thank you little Asia!

Vale a pena!

É por momentos como estes que fazemos o que fazemos. É o que nos move. É isto que me faz estar certa das escolhas que fiz. Nem sempre é fácil, mas sem dúvida que vale a pena. Quando vês a diferença que apenas alguns dias podem fazer. Quando vês o sorriso na cara deles assim que te veem. Quando vez a gratidão no olhar dos seus pais. Quando ouves o quanto estão agradecidos pela tua presença na vida dos seus filhos.

Quando aquela menina que não largava a mão da mãe, larga tudo e vem a correr para ti assim que chegas, e depois descobres que os pais estavam preocupados porque ela tem uma barreira com pessoas. Quando ela te dá um abraço tão apertado que a barreira linguística deixa de existir. Quando ela simplesmente olha nos teus olhos e sorri, dizendo o que as palavras nunca poderiam expressar.

Obrigada pequena Asia!

Never written letters

I’ve been meaning to write you for a while now. There’s so much to tell, and I don’t know where to start.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the future. There are so many things I need to know and don’t know who to ask… Guess nothing changed there.

A few days ago I stumbled, and I feared the worst, but I managed to get back on my feet again soon. I think I’m getting better at fighting it. The rabbit hole doesn’t seem so powerful anymore.

You should be proud to know that I reached out to a couple of people. Shyly and in disguised, but it’s a start.

The future is still scary, mostly because it’s unknown, but I don’t seem to freeze anymore.

The waves of panic are less common now, and I can almost believe them when they say I will make it.

I’ve always heard that with age comes tranquility, or maybe, with time, you just learn to pick your fights. Don’t know each one is true, but I finally seem to be getting less uncomfortable with the outside world.

My dreams haven’t changed much, but I have, and somehow now they seem a little bit more possible. I always felt like I hadn’t found my place in the world, and it wasn’t until recently that I started to think that maybe I just need to create it. Just because your dreams don’t fit in a pre-designed box, it doesn’t mean that you can’t wrap them nicely and be successful.

I have to go now, time is short. It always is, even though some days seem endless. I just wanted to let you know that maybe, just maybe, things will be all right. 

Moments

Moments… of fear, sadness, uncertainty.

Thoughts that come and go in waves, but somehow always find their way back.

Glimpses of the shadows that once overpowered you.

Sounds that bring out the not so happy memories.

The awareness of what’s at stake.

The knowledge that you have to find a way to fight, if you don’t want to be swallowed by the dark clouds.

The agility of the events, how fast you can go from being great to feeling… lost.

The loneliness that reminds you of how little your old enemies have changed.

The time that moves so fast and not at all. Your person who has change so much and not a bit.

A shrinking heart and a mind that seems to only grow in the wrong direction.

Feelings overriding reason.

Familiar symptoms, but the cure yet to be found.

A lingering question… Will you ever defeat it for real?

Moments… to keep calm, reflect and control.

Moments that throw you back to the past when you try to think about the future.

Moments that can defy how the next days, weeks, months, and even years will go. 

There’s a moment when everything changes

Do you ever stop for a moment and wonder “What am I doing with my life?”

“Where will I go from here?”

I have moments I look back and fear that in a few years I will realize that time has gone by and I have done nothing with my life, that I’ll have nothing to show, and it scares me. I’m learning to leave in the moment, but when I dare to think about the future it’s scary to realize how far I  am from everything that I had planned.

Time won’t stop while we figure life out, and whatever your choices are, there’s no turning back.

Everything used to be so clear, I used to have a plan, and I don’t know what I fear the most, the fact that I don’t have one, or the fact that I’m not panicking without it. I wonder if I should worry that the years keep moving and I’m yet to find my place, but do we ever really know where we’re going? Or is it that just a lie we tell ourselves to be able to sleep at night?

I came to terms with it, I’ve accepted that the journey may change your final destination, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I’ve always been a dreamer and one of my biggest fears is to achieve nothing. And if you ask me if I’m closer to my goal than I was 5 years ago, I can’t be sure I am, but then I look back and see everything I’ve experienced and I can’t help but feel lucky to have been where I have been.

However, I can’t deny that there’s this simultaneous feeling of having done so much and anything at all, of having grown so much and yet not enough, of feeling that you’re in the right path and that it might lead you nowhere, of not knowing where you want to go, but being sure that you’re not there yet.

It feels right, it’s like you know that every person and every single experience you’re having is changing you, that each of them is teaching you something, and you’re happy following the tune, but you can’t help but wonder where it will lead. You can’t help but wonder when the time to start figuring things out will come.

There’s a moment when everything changes, will you be able to recognize it when it comes?

Inspiration

Inspiration always seems to strike more when you’re down. Maybe it’s because that’s when all defenses are down and the thoughts you always try to avoid push through.

Maybe it’s because it’s when you feel lonely and misunderstood and you just pour out your feelings without seconds thoughts. Maybe it’s because it’s when you alienate yourself from the rest of the world and go to that special place inside your head. Or maybe none of this is true at all! Maybe inspiration is always there, but when they’re happy thoughts you don’t have the same urge to kick them out. 

Stories behind History/ As histórias por detrás da História

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo. 

Travelling is more than nice pictures and heavenly landscapes, more than trying new dishes and hearing a different language. Travelling is about the stories behind the History. It’s about going to places were terrible things happened, not because you want to check another touristic place on your list, but because you know that even if it’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, there are certain things that should not be ignored.

We’ve all read the facts and heard the numbers, but to see it, to feel it, to imagine it… that’s different. History tells us about the events, but places like this tell us about the people. And all the stories and dreams that never had a chance to complete.

And the more you think about it, the more you wonder how someone can do such things to another human beings… worst… to millions of other human beings. You can’t understand how it ever got that far. How one person with one idea can cause so much damage.

It makes you think about the power of words and ideas, misconceptions and stereotypes.

Since we think about it as History, there’s a false reassurance that 

this was ages ago, except it wasn’t. It’s still quite recent. And with nations still fighting for personal interests, with racism still so present, with the constant need to label everyone… is the world really that much different from what it was 70 years ago?

It’s sad that we need places like Treblinka¹ to remind us to think about these things, but because we’re selfish or to protect our sanity there are things we don’t like to think about. Maybe because it’s so bad that we wish they weren’t true. However, denial is more dangerous than any crazy idea, so we can’t let History be forgotten. We can’t let those stories be in vain.

As histórias por detrás da História

Viajar é mais do que fotografias bonitas e paisagens deslumbrantes, mais do que provar pratos novos e ouvir uma língua diferente. Viajar é descobrir as histórias por detrás da História. É visitar sítios onde coisas horríveis aconteceram, não porque queres riscar mais um sítio turístico da tua lista, mas porque sabes que mesmo que seja desagradável e desconfortável, há certas coisas que não devem ser ignoradas.

Todos conhecemos os factos e ouvimos os números, mas vê-lo, senti-lo, imaginá-lo… isso é diferente. A História conta-nos sobre os eventos, mas sítios como este contam-nos sobre as pessoas. E todas as histórias e sonhos que nunca tiveram oportunidade de concretizar.

E quanto mais pensamos sobre isso, mais nos perguntamos como alguém pode fazer tão mal a outro ser humano… pior… a milhões de outros seres humanos. É difícil perceber como chegou a tão longe. Como uma pessoa com uma ideia pode causar tantos danos.

Faz-nos pensar no poder das palavras e das ideias, equívocos e estereótipos.

Como pensamos nisso como História, há um falso conforto de que é um passado longínquo. Mas não é.  É ainda bastante recente. E com as nações que continuam a lutar por interesses pessoais, com o racismo ainda tão presente e com a constante necessidade de rotular toda a gente… está o mundo tão diferente do que era há 70 anos atrás?

É triste que precisemos de lugares como Treblinka² para nos lembrar de pensarmos sobre estas coisas. Por egoísmo ou para protegermos a nossa sanidade há coisas sobre as quais não gostamos de pensar. Talvez porque é uma realidade tão negra que não queremos acreditar que seja verdade. Contudo, a negação é mais perigosa do que qualquer ideia, por isso não podemos deixar a História ser esquecida. Não podemos deixar que estas histórias tenham sido em vão.

¹ Treblinka Penal Labor Camp and Extermination Camp

² Campo de trabalhos forçados e Campo de Exterminação de Treblinka

Follow your heart/Segue o teu coração

Nota: versão portuguesa mais abaixo

Do not let fear stop you.

Surround yourself with people that inspire you.

Do not settle for anything else than your dreams. However, remember to enjoy the journey while you try to make them real.

Failures become experience and uncertainties will fade away. Shut down that voice that says that you’re aiming too high. Your dreams can only be stolen from you by yourself.

Respect yourself. Do not sell yourself short, don’t think that you’re bigger than you really are. Find what keeps you grounded.

Make the most of every adventure, give it your best shot and take the best of it with you.

Cry, if you have to, but let the laugh destroy your demons.

Get involved, allow yourself to get attached, dreams mean nothing if there’s no-one to share them with.

Find the things that make you smile and do them more often. Life’s too short to postpone.

If you’re looking for happiness look inside yourself, nothing will give you more satisfaction than feeling fulfilled.

Don’t stop working on yourself, that’s the biggest project you’ll ever have. Think through, evaluate and progress, but do not kill yourself with regret.

Give yourself a breather, allow things to happen and remember, each detour will lead you to another roll of possibilities.

Stay focused, but don’t forget to live. You’ll get there when you’re ready.

Work hard, but enjoy the process. Do not rush through it, don’t let things go past you unnoticed.

Collect the best of those you admire, but don’t let yourself be define by anyone but you.

Learn to forgive yourself, to cut off some slack. Remember that if you’re not better that anyone it doesn’t make sense that you have to live up to higher standards.

Enjoy yourself, learn to follow your own advice and above all… follow your heart!

Segue o teu coração

Não deixes que o medo te pare.

Rodeia-te de pessoas que te inspiram.

Não te contentes com nada que seja menos do que os teus sonhos, mas lembra-te de aproveitar a viagem enquanto tentas torná-los reais.

Os erros transformam-se em experiência e as incertezas vão desaparecer. Ignora aquela voz que diz que estás a sonhar demasiado alto. Só tu podes roubar os teus próprios sonhos.

Respeita-te. Não te convenças que vales menos do que és, não penses que és maior do que na realidade. Encontra o que te mantém humilde.

Chora, se precisares, mas deixa que o riso destrua os teus demónios.

Envolve-te, permite-te criar laços, os sonhos não significam nada se não tiveres com quem os partilhar.

Encontra o que te faz sorrir e fá-lo com mais frequência. A vida é demasiado curta para continuares a adiar.

Se procuras felicidade, olha para dentro de ti, nada traz mais satisfação do que te sentires realizado.

Continua a investir em ti, este é o maior projecto que alguma vez terás. Pensa, avalia e progride, mas não te mates com arrependimentos.

Para para respirar, deixa que as coisas aconteçam e lembra-te que cada desvio abre um novo leque de oportunidades.

Mantém-te focado, mas não te esqueças de viver. Vais lá chegar quando estiveres preparado.

Trabalha duro, mas não te esqueças de apreciar o processo. Não te apresses, não deixes que as coisas te passem ao lado.

Colhe o melhor daqueles que admiras, mas não te deixes definir por alguém que não és.

Aprende a perdoar-te, a dar-te um desconto. Lembra-te que se não és melhor que os outros, não faz sentido que tenhas de responder a padrões mais elevados.

Diverte-te, aprende a seguir os teus próprios conselhos, e acima de tudo… segue o teu coração!