Follow your dreams/ Segue os teus sonhos

Nota: Versão Portuguesa mais abaixo.

Life is made of choices and timing. Random meetings, first impressions, unexpected circumstances, connections are made and opportunities rise. You can plan it, but if you’re lucky enough you won’t end up where you imagine. And that’s amazing, because reality can sometimes beat our wildest dreams.  

There are moments in your life when you have to make choice, it’s not always pretty, it’s usually not easy, that it’s part of what makes you move forward. Change can be scary as hell, but being still can be even worse.

I always had this feeling that I don’t really fit, and I realized that maybe instead of trying to fill someone’s role I simply have to create my own.  I’m as much as a worrier as I am a dreamer. And call me naïve, but I still see myself in my dream job. Not one that gives me a big paycheck at the end of the month, but that project that the little girl in me always wanted to develop. The one that will give me a purpose, a reason to exist.

A Broadway actress said once that she wasn’t made for revivals, that she needed the thrill of developing a character, and maybe that’s me too. I look around at these jobs I don’t see a role that fits me. Not because I think I’m too good for them, far from it, but because I have such a clear vision of what I want and I know I work much better when I’m passionate about something. I live for it. It’s a luxury, to do what you love, and most people don’t have the chance to do it.  Maybe it will come the day when I don’t either, but until then I’m grasping at straws.

I get these urges inside me and I can only control them so far. I always want more, and when I feel stuck I just… I just can’t endure it for long. People may say I’m rushing things, think that I should wait, but I’ve been waiting… My whole life I’ve been waiting to find my spot, where I can make a difference. I hear those voices around me and I get it, trust me, I too worry about what will happen if things don’t work out. I have those voices inside my own head, but I can’t listen to them. I can’t overthink.  I spent my whole life being afraid, and I’m done. I’m so done.

Five years ago I sat in this same room with a similar dilemma. Four years ago people told me to think twice. Three years ago I didn’t listen and I had the best year of my life! And maybe I was lucky, and maybe this time I’ll screw it up, but I’ll never know if I don’t try.

Segue os teus sonhos

A vida é feita de escolhas e de timming. Encontros aleatórios, primeiras impressões, circunstâncias inesperadas, criam-se relações e surgem oportunidades. Podes planeá-la, mas se tiveres sorte suficiente não acabarás onde imaginaste. E isso é óptimo, porque a realidade consegue por vezes superar os nossos maiores sonhos.

Há momentos na vida em que temos de fazer escolhas. Nem sempre é bonito, geralmente não é fácil, mas é parte do que nos faz evoluir. A mudança pode ser assustadora, mas ficar parado é pior ainda.

Sempre tive esta sensação de não encaixar bem em lugar nenhum, e percebi que se calhar, em vez de tentar ocupar o papel de alguém devia simplesmente criar o meu próprio. Sou tão preocupada como sonhadora, e chamem-me ingénua, mas ainda me vejo a ter o meu emprego de sonho. Não um que me dê um cheque recheado ao fim do mês, mas aquele projecto que a criança em mim sempre quis desenvolver. O que me dará um propósito, uma razão de existir.

Uma actriz da Broadway disse uma vez que não tinha sido feita para fazer renascer papeis já interpretados, que precisava da emoção de desenvolver uma personagem, e talvez eu seja assim também. Olho para os empregos à minha volta e não vejo um papel que me faça feliz. Não por achar que sou demasiado boa, mas porque tenho uma visão muito clara do que quero e sei que sou muito mais eficiente quando trabalho em projectos pelos quais estou apaixonada.  Vivo para eles. É um luxo, fazer o que se gosta, e a maioria das pessoas não tem essa oportunidade. Talvez um dia também não terei, mas até lá quero agarrar todas as chances.

Tenho esta necessidade dentro de mim que só consigo controlar durante algum tempo. Quero mais, e quando me sinto estagnada ... é algo que não aguento por muito tempo. As pessoas podem dizer que estou a ser precipitada, pensar que deveria esperar, mas eu já esperei ... Toda a minha vida não fiz outra coisa senão esperar para encontrar o meu lugar, onde possa fazer a diferença. Eu oiço as vozes à minha volta e eu percebo, acreditem, também eu me preocupo com o que acontecerá se as coisas não correrem bem. Tenho essas vozes na minha cabeça, mas não posso dar-lhes ouvidos. Não posso pensar demais. Toda a minha vida em vivi com medo e agora já chega, estou farta.

Há cinco anos atrás, sentei-me neste mesmo quarto com um dilema semelhante. Há quatro anos atrás, as pessoas disseram-me para pensar duas vezes. Há três anos atrás não lhes dei ouvidos e tive o melhor ano da minha vida! Talvez tenha sido sorte, e se calhar desta vez vou estragar tudo, mas nunca vou saber se não arriscar. 

Just do it!

Do it. Do it again. Do it over. Do it right.

Do it because you care. Do it because you like. Do it because you can.

Do it because it’s meaningful. Do it because it’s fun. Do it because you feel like it.

Do it for others. Do it for yourself.  Just do it.

Outpourings of a wondering mind

It bothers me the amount of time we spend longing for something from the future.

The hours wasted wanting to skip the days and months that maybe later we will miss.

Human being, always dissatisfied, always striving for something more.

The thing that makes us move forward, but that can also holds us back.

Leaders and role models/ Líderes e Modelos

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

Today we talked about leaders and role models. We were asked the kind of leader we think we are and the one we want to be. We’ve discussed different perspectives and leadership methods, made lists of skills and assets we consider vital in a leader and how we can work to get to the place we want to be.

Defining leader or role model in your own words can be tricky as there are so many things to consider… the context, the environment, the goals... Sure, it’s possible to learn it all, it’s easy to memorize the theory, but will you really get it? Will you be able to become the leader you want to be?

If someone asks you What do you think a good leader/role model has to be?, would you have an answer on the top of your head? I didn’t… I had some key factors, some loose ideas, but it took me a while to come up with a good enough answer.

If someone asks you, however, Who do you see as a good leader/role model in your life? And Why?, things might become slightly easier because you’ll have someone you can use as a reference, and to me it’s only when you add the human factor to it, that everything starts to make sense.

Once I had a name in my head it was quite easy to understand why I saw that person as a role model and why I thought that the characteristics displayed by that person were leadership qualities.

We tend to think as a leader as someone with power and that leads you in a certain direction, but to be a leader should be so much more than that. Some people are clearly leaders simply by the position they assume in a job, group or organization, but a true good leader/role model may not always be that clear right away. Sometimes it’s only after a while, when you step back and see what you’ve become that you realize the importance that person had in shaping you.

When this question was asked, one name popped in my head. We all have people throughout the years that somehow touch our lives, and change who we are in very specific situations, but this was the one that I thought had more overall impact both in who I am and who I want to be.

Due to the circumstances and the timing, the person I chose was in a great position to manipulate us, instead she taught us the importance of thinking with our own heads. We were young, naïve and passionate, avid to drink anything and everything they could provide us, and it would have been very easy to make us believe in anything they would tell us, but she didn’t.  She was confident, yet humble and she showed us that no-matter how much we learn, we never know it all. She taught us the need to question what we do every day in order to improve, not because you don’t trust your abilities, but because it’s really easy to get distracted and fall down the wrong path. This person knew our individualities, but she challenged us to be better, to defy, to get out of our comfort zone. She was passionate and committed to her beliefs. She could read people and adjust her behavior according to that. She was approachable and reliable, she could related to us and she would include herself in the group, it was always about “we”, not “you”. She wouldn’t give us answers, but she would help us find them, she wouldn’t make excuses, but she would always have our backs… but above all, she inspired us.

And so if it wasn’t clear before what kind of leader I wanted to become, now it is. I want to be that person that even after many years have passed someone can still think about and remember as someone who somehow changed their lives.

P.S - For those who are curious, the person I chose was one of my college professors... So, thank you SF for being such a wonderful líder and role model.

Líderes e Modelos

Hoje falámos sobre líderes e modelos de referência. Perguntaram-nos o tipo de líder que somos e aquele que ambicionamos ser. Discutimos diferentes perspectivas e modelos de liderança, fizemos listas de características e competências vitais para um líder e como podemos trabalhar para nos tornarmos no que queremos ser.

Definir líder ou modelo por palavras próprias nem sempre é fácil, pois há vários factores a considerar... o contexto, o ambiente, os objectivos... Claro que é possível aprender as definições, é fácil memorizar a teoria, mas será que vais entendê-la? Serás capaz de te tornar no líder que queres ser?

Se alguém te perguntar O que achas que um bom líder/modelo tem de ter?, terias uma resposta na ponta da língua? Eu não tinha... tinha alguns factores chave, ideias soltas, mas demorei algum tempo a elaborar uma resposta aceitável.

Contudo, se alguém te perguntar Quem é que consideras um bom líder/modelo na tua vida?, talvez fosse ligeiramente mais fácil responder, pois terias alguém de referência, e para mim só quando adicionas o factor humano é que tudo começa a fazer sentido.

Assim que tive um nome na minha cabeça foi bastante mais fácil perceber porque é que considerava essa pessoa um modelo de referência e porque é que considerava as suas características como qualidades de liderança.

Tendencialmente pensamos num líder como alguém com poder e que nos direcciona numa determinada direcção, mas um líder deve ser muito mais que isso. Algumas pessoas são claramente líderes pelos cargos que ocupam num emprego, grupo ou organização, mas um bom líder/modelo pode nem sempre ser tão evidente. Por vezes só passado algum tempo, quando te distancias da situação e percebes a pessoa em que te tornaste é que percebes a importância que essa pessoa teve no teu desenvolvimento.

Quando a questão foi feita, um nome surgiu na minha cabeça. Todos nós temos pessoas que, ao longo dos anos, marcaram as nossas vidas e que nos mudaram em relação a determinadas situações, mas esta foi a pessoa que considerei ter mais impacto geral na pessoa que me tornei e que quero ser.

Devido às circunstâncias e ao timing, a pessoa que escolhi estava numa posição fantástica para nos manipular, no entanto, ensinou-nos a importância de pensarmos pela nossa cabeça. Éramos jovens, ingénuas e  apaixonadas pelo que fazíamos, ávidas por beber tudo o que nos pudessem providenciar, e teria sido muito fácil fazer-nos acreditar em tudo o que quisessem, mas ela não o fez. Era uma pessoa confiante, mas humilde, e mostrou-nos que por muito que aprendêssemos nunca teríamos as respostas todas. Ensinou-nos a necessidade de reflectir e questionar o que fazemos todos os dias de forma a melhorar, não porque não confiamos nas nossas capacidades, mas porque é muito fácil descarrilar e seguir pelo caminho errado. Esta pessoa conhecia as nossas individualidades, mas desafiava-nos para sermos melhores, para arriscarmos, para sairmos da nossa zona de conforto. Era apaixonada e comprometida com as suas crenças. Tinha a capacidade de ler as pessoas e ajustar a sua intervenção de acordo com isso. Era acessível e de confiança, podia-se relacionar com o que estávamos a sentir e incluía-se no grupo, era sempre sobre “nós”, e não “tu”. Nunca nos dava respostas, mas ajudava-nos a encontrá-las, não arranjava desculpas, mas podíamos contar com ela para nos defender... mas acima de tudo, ela inspirava-nos.

Por isso, se não era claro o tipo de líder que me queria tornar, agora é. Quero ser aquela pessoa que mesmo passado vários anos, alguém ainda se lembrará como a pessoa que de uma forma ou de outra mudou a sua vida. 

P.S - Para os que tiverem curiosos, a pessoa que escolhi foi uma das minhas professoras da faculdade... por isso, obrigada SF por ser um líder e um modelo fantástico

Knowing/Saber

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

Knowing where you want to get, but not having a clue where to start.

The unrealistic dreams, the passion, the hunger for perfection.

Feeling that’s a waste not to take advantage of what we have and learned, but struggling to make it happen.

Lacking street smarts and the skills they can’t teach you at school.

Feeling that that you’re meant for bigger things, but not knowing how to get there.

A desire that burns inside, the sting in your guts that doesn’t allow you to settle.

Feeling that you’re headed to bigger challenges, but fearing you’re not good enough.

The high standards, the ambition, the need to get it right at first attempt.

Knowing that knowledge means nothing without action, but fearing too much to act on it.

The need to make something happen, to have a reason to be here, to change people’s lives, to have a purpose.

Knowing that one person can’t change the world, but still wanting to change a life.

Saber

Saber onde queres chegar, mas não ter ideia de onde começar.

Os sonhos irrealistas, a paixão, a fome por perfeição.

Sentir que é um desperdício não aproveitar o que temos e aprendemos, mas com dificuldade em pô-lo em prática.

A falta da esperteza da rua, das capacidades que não se desenvolvem na escola.

Sentir que estás destinado a coisas maiores, mas sei saber como lá chegar.

O desejo que arde por dentro, o aperto no estômago que não te deixa acomodar.

Sentir que estás a caminhar para novos desafios, temendo não estares à altura.

Os padrões elevados, a ambição, a necessidade de acertar à primeira tentativa.

Saber que o conhecimento não significa nada sem acção, mas demasiado inseguro para agir.

A necessidade de fazer alguma coisa acontecer, de ter uma razão para estar aqui, de mudar a vida das pessoas, de ter um propósito.

Saber que uma pessoa não pode mudar o mundo, mas ainda assim querer mudar uma vida.

Some people get it/Algumas pessoas percebem

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

I love when I find people who are passionate about travelling too.  That truly get this need (and yes, it’s a necessity) to go out there and see other things, meet other cultures, cross paths with other lives.

To feel that your desire to risk what you have to see what you can find, is understood. To feel that you’re not weird or crazy, or maybe you are… but at least you’re not alone. To change stories, share experiences, learn from what other people have tried, teach based on the experiences you already have. To get challenged, to try something else, to have someone able to plant the seed of hope and opportunity, to be reminded of what really moves you (even when it’s scary).

Most of us grow out of that stage where we try to please everyone and need most people’s validation, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good to talk to people who truly seem to understand your motivations

There are no equal people, and most of our relationships only work because the two parts are different, but every once in a while it feels good to see that someone gets what we feel and what we’re going through.

Algumas pessoas percebem

Adoro quando encontro pessoas que também são apaixonadas por viajar. Que realmente percebem esta necessidade (e sim, é uma necessidade) de partir e ver outras coisas, conhecer outras culturas, cruzar caminhos com outras vidas.

Sentir que este desejo de arriscar o que se tem para ver o que mais se pode encontrar é compreendido. Sentir que não és estranho ou maluco, ou talvez sejas... mas pelo menos não és o único. Trocar histórias, partilhar experiências, aprender com o que os outros já experimentaram, ensinar com base no que já vivemos. Ser desafiado, tentar mais alguma coisa, ter alguém capaz de plantar a semente da esperança e das oportunidades, ser relembrado do que realmente te move (mesmo que assustador).

A maior parte de nós ultrapassa a fase em que tentamos agradar toda a gente e em que precisamos da validação de todos, mas isso não quer dizer que não seja reconfortante falar com pessoas que realmente percebem as tuas motivações.

Não há duas pessoas iguais, e a maior parte das nossas relações apenas funciona porque as duas partes são diferentes, mas de vez em quando sabe bem ver que há alguém que percebe o que sentimos e o que estamos a passar.

Stale

The novelty is gone
The thrill lost
The interest vanished
The energy burned down

A present body
An absent soul,
Stagnant mind
No evolution

To be stale
To be lost,
To be eager
To be great

Where are we going?/Para onde vamos?

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo 

The plot thickens, the voice rises inside my head

Keeps reminding me, I need a change, I want more.

It’s all so sudden, but then not really

I miss the thrill, the passion, the challenge.

I’m doing well, but that’s no longer enough

I want ambition, I want a purpose, to leave my mark.

I envy who’s going away, the excitement that comes with it

The new and scary, the learning process, the experiences.

I want to feel I’m headed somewhere, not just passing by

Not striving to plan too far ahead, but needing to know there’s a future out there for me…

Para onde vamos?

O enredo complica-se, as vozes multiplicam-se dentro de mim

Lembram-me que preciso de mudança, preciso de mais.

Parece tão repentino, mas não é, na verdade

Sinto falta da emoção, da paixão, do desafio.

Estou bem, mas isso já não é suficiente

Quero ambição, quero um propósito, deixar a minha marca.

Invejo quem está de partida, o entusiasmo que os acompanha

As novidades, os medos, o processo de aprendizagem, as experiências.

Quero sentir que estou a caminhar nalguma direcção, e não apenas à deriva

Não preocupada em planear demasiado, mas com a necessidade de saber que há um futuro à minha espera...

Para Sempre/Forever

Ao início a dor é avassaladora. Não consegues reagir, não consegues pensar, não consegues respirar. Não quando acontece assim, não quando tudo estava a correr bem, não quando estavas prestes a desfrutar de uma fim de semana em família perfeito.

Ao início sentes-te dormente. Não podes deixar que os teus sentimentos te derrubem. Não quando há tanto para tratar, não quando há outros com quem tens de te preocupar.

Ao início tentas perceber o que está a acontecer. Tentas explicar algo que não tens a certeza que compreendes. Não quando parece tão errado, não quando parece tão injusto.

Depois finalmente atinge-te. Não no dia a seguir, ou no dia a seguir a esse, uns meses depois, quando acordas a chorar no meio da noite. Primeiro é apenas um sonho, pensas que é um acontecimento isolado, mas depois as memórias começam a inundar-te e não consegues deixar de pensar em todos aqueles momentos únicos que nunca mais serão os mesmos.

Nunca pensaste tornar-te nessa pessoa, que sonha com alguém que já não está presente, e agora...

Tortura-te como, vezes sem conta, ela continua a encontrar o caminho para os teus sonhos, porque sabes que não está certo, sabes que não é real, mas ela está lá... ela está sempre lá.

Em mais do que uma ocasião tens de fugir da tua família a correr, literalmente, a correr, porque já não te sentes bem quando estão todo juntos... todos excepto ela... já não é o mesmo... e nunca vai ser. Choras desalmadamente, engoles os soluços, sozinha na noite, até fisicamente não existirem mais lágrimas.

Com o tempo acabas por te adaptar, aprendes a viver com isso quando vês que, apesar do  que aconteceu, ou talvez por isso, há memórias que ficarão para sempre, e coisas que nunca ninguém te poderá tirar.

Sim, ao início a dor é avassaladora, mas “fica melhor (...) perder alguém é... sempre difícil, mas um dia vais-te lembrar dela e não vai doer. Vais ficar feliz”* porque serás capaz de apreciar os momentos que tiveste apesar da sua actual ausência. E vais perceber a sorte que tiveste em ter alguém assim na tua vida.

Em honra de M.F. - mãe, filha, irmã e tia dedicada.

English Version

At first the pain is overwhelming. You can’t react, you can’t think, you can’t breathe. Not when it comes like that, not when everything was going so well, not when you were just about to have the perfect family gathering.

At first you feel numb. You can’t let you feelings get the best of you, not when there’s some much to take care of, not when there’s others to worry about.

At first you try to get wrap your head around it, try to explain something you’re not sure you understand. Not when it feels so wrong, not when it’s so unfair.

Then it finally strikes you. Not the day after, nor the day after that, but a couple months later, when you wake up crying in the middle of the night. At first it’s just a dream, you think it’s just random event, but then the memories start to flood in and you can’t help but remember all the unique experiences you used to have and will never be the same again.

You never thought you’d be that person, dreaming about someone that is no longer present, and yet there you are. It kills you how, over and over again she keeps finding her away to your dreams, because you know it’s wrong, you know it’s not real, and yet she’s there… she’s always there.

Once or twice you have to run away from you family, literally, run, because it doesn’t sound right when we’re all together… all expect her…. it doesn’t feel the same anymore… and it never will.

You cry your lungs out, swallow the sobs, alone in the night, until there are physically no tears left.

Eventually you adjust, you learn to cope when you see that despite what happened, or maybe because of that, there are memories that will never be gone, and things that no-one can take away from you.

Yes, at first the pain is overwhelming, but “it does get better (…) Losing someone is… Never easy. But one day you’ll remember her, and it won’t hurt. You’ll be happy”* because you’ll be able to appreciate the moments you had despite her current absence. And you’ll realize how lucky you were to have had someone like that as part of your life.

In honor of M.F. – Dedicated mom, daughter, sister and auntie.

 *Quoted by A.J. Cook as J.J. In Criminal Minds S05E13

Result/Resultado

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

It’s been a while since I last update you about this project, it’s been even longer since we first started. This is where we got so far and it’s probably going to be a while before we can reach any new goals. The work is never finished, there’s always more to do, but we have to be proud with what we have accomplished so far. This family has a roof now, real walls, windows instead of holes, so even if the job isn’t done, and for us, this is hardly the perfect home I can assure you that Julia’s family is very grateful for all your help.

It’s hard to be content when we feel there’s still so much left to improve, but we just have to find other ways to make a difference and be glad with the support we gain along the way.

"There are no victories, there are only battles, and the best you can hope for is to find some place where you can make your stand. If you are lucky, you will find someone to stand with you.”*

For all of you that one way or the other help us with this project, Thank you very much!

Truth was

Truth was she was afraid of her own mind, afraid of the mood tides, afraid of when it would all strike again.

She always loved the nights, the piece and quite that would bring out the fantasy world, but they could also be daunting. They were also were she couldn’t hide from herself, where she couldn’t procrastinate and had to face all the thoughts she had managed to avoid during the day.

Maybe that was why she would always have trouble to fall asleep, because she would keep pushing things out of her mind until she had no other choice, until she couldn’t stop her own mind, not with laughs, not with music or stories, not with anything.

Truth was that when the day was gone and the skies faded to black she was right back down that rabbit hole. Empty, alone and lost.  

Old Friends

There’s a reason why people grow apart. It’s not always clear after a while. Distance helps to fade the memory and forget how it all happened, but there’s always a reason. It’s easy to miss the old times, to want the never ending conversations back, to have someone who will text you just to say “hello”, to talk about everything and anything.

It’s easy to put aside the little things that used to annoy us, the quirks we didn’t think we could endure anymore, easy to wonder why we ever let that go. It might feel good to get together at some point, share some laughs and find out that despite the time and distance you still know that person better that most their friends. It might be reassuring to know you still care about them and wish them the best and that they still care if you show up. People come and go from our lives every day, and surprisingly enough, some of those who shape you the most don’t stay with you forever.

It’s easy to fall down the memory lane and want it all back, but sooner or later you’ll be reminded that there was a reason…. There was a reason why you grew apart in the first place, and though you’re both different people now, or maybe because of that, things will never be the same.

There’s a time for everything, a time for everyone and sometimes the best we can do is cherish the memories of what once was a great friendship and learn to take the good moments that it’ll give us, now and then, without ever hoping to go back to the past. 

...

It was always harder at night, when she couldn’t ignore the ache in her heart, when there was no work to keep her mind busy, no-one to crack a joke and make her laugh even if it make her feel guilty.

It was always harder when she had the time to punish herself, to wonder if things might had been better is she was different, if she was stronger, if she was enough.  

She liked being alone, or at least she had repeated it to herself so many times that she actually started to believe it, but being alone with her head was sometimes overwhelming.

She pads to the empty bathroom slowly, with a fake tranquility that she has learned to master. A glimpse at the mirror, wanting to find something she’s not even sure what it is, and then her body slowly descends against the wall until it touches the cold tile.

A long arm reaches for the switch turning the lights off, like she doesn’t want anyone to see it, like it matters, though she’s all alone. In pure instinct she curls into her own body, crunches in, as if she could protect her heart, shield it against the things she doesn’t want to fear but knows she can’t avoid. Pressing her hands against her head, her palms covering her hears, in a silly attempt to shut up the screams that are not happening anymore, but still feel real. Struggling to find a reason to keep believing, desperately not wanting to give up, and at the same time wishing she could vanish to somewhere else. 

Untitled

What’s the point of managing to touch people if you cannot touch the life you want?

There are choices people do about their lives I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand. I’m not judging, I just don’t get how mess up someone has to be to want to harm themself.

It must be daunting not to see another way, it must be really sad to feel so trapped that you risk it all for 10 minutes of pleasure, it must be awful not to be able to stop, it must be terrible to be so desperate that you need to resort to this stuff to make you to want to live.

It must suck, I’m sure it does, and it’s a disease, whether most people are aware of it or not. And just like any other disease people didn’t chose to be sick, but unlike some other diseases these people can put an end to it. They need help, they need support, but most of all they need to want to get out of it, they need to realize they deserve better, that despite all the things that we hate about life, it’s still worth living.

We can say that we’re over, we can fear that the damage is too big, we can even say we don’t believe anymore, but deep inside the hope never dies, not when it’s someone you love, not when you’re sure that if they manage to get out of that hole you’ll forgive them everything, not when all you want is to be able to be look into their eyes and see the sweet innocent child you saw once. 

What Happens When You Live Abroad/O que Acontece Quando Vives no Estrangeiro

Nota: Versão Portuguesa mais abaixo

What Happens When You Live Abroad

It’s not often that I find a piece that I love so much. I do tend to find small quotes interesting, but usually when it comes to bigger works it always gets to a point that I don’t totally agree with the point of view. Today a friend shared this article and I couldn’t stop myself from reading it. It was long, but with every sentence I was more drawn to it. It’s not easy to explain or put in words something that is so unique, it’s hard to try to make people understand how much a single experience can change your life, change you, but this author has made an excellent work. This is about someone who knows what it is to live abroad (no matter for how long). I’ve selected the parts that I loved the most. I’ll leave the link below should you wish to read the whole article. For those of you who have lived abroad, I think that, just like me you’ll see yourselves in this. For those you haven’t and always wondered what cross our mind to do it… maybe now you’ll understand.

“So many of us, when we leave our home countries, want to escape ourselves. We build up enormous webs of people, of bars and coffee shops, of arguments and exes and the same five places over and over again, from which we feel we can’t break free. There are just too many bridges that have been burned. (…) Walking streets alone and eating dinner at tables for one — maybe with a book, maybe not — you’re left alone for hours, days on end with nothing but your own thoughts. You start talking to yourself, asking yourself questions and answering them, and taking in the day’s activities with a slowness and an appreciation that you’ve never before even attempted. (…) There is a certain amount of comfort and confidence that you gain with yourself when you go to this new place and start all over again, and a knowledge that — come what may in the rest of your life — you were capable of taking that leap and landing softly at least once. (…) So you look at your life, and the two countries that hold it, and realize that you are now two distinct people. As much as your countries represent and fulfill different parts of you and what you enjoy about life, as much as you have formed unbreakable bonds with people you love in both places, as much as you feel truly at home in either one, so you are divided in two. For the rest of your life, or at least it feels this way, you will spend your time in one naggingly longing for the other, and waiting until you can get back for at least a few weeks and dive back into the person you were back there. (…) To live in a new place is a beautiful, thrilling thing, and it can show you that you can be whoever you want — on your own terms. It can give you the gift of freedom, of new beginnings, of curiosity and excitement. But to start over, to get on that plane, doesn’t come without a price. You cannot be in two places at once, and from now on, you will always lay awake on certain nights and think of all the things you’re missing out on back home.”

Autor: CHELSEA FAGAN

Link for full article

O que Acontece Quando Vives no Estrangeiro

Não é comum encontrar um texto que adore. Tenho por hábito recolher pequenas citações que acho interessantes, mas no que diz respeito a peças maiores, chega sempre a um ponto que discordo de alguma opinião ou ponto de vista. Hoje uma amiga partilhou este artigo e não consegui deixar de lê-lo. Era longo, mas com cada frase ficava mais atraída. Não é fácil explicar ou pôr em palavras algo tão único, é difícil tentar que as pessoas percebam o quanto uma simples experiência muda a tua vida, muda quem és, mas a autora consegue-o de uma maneira fantástica. Este texto fala de alguém que sabe o que é viver no estrangeiro (não importa por quanto tempo). Seleccionei algumas passagens que gostei mais. Deixo o link no final do post para quem quiser ler o artigo completo.

Para aqueles que vivem ou viveram no estrangeiro, penso que, tal como eu, se vão identificar com esta obra. Para aqueles que não o fizeram e que sempre se perguntaram o que nos levou a tomar essa decisão... talvez consigam agora percebê-lo.

Nota: Isto é uma tradução livre da versão original escrita em inglês.

“Tantos de nós, quando deixamos os nossos países, queremos escapar a nós mesmos. Construímos enormes redes de pessoas, de bares e cafés, de argumentos e exs e os mesmos sítios vezes e vezes sem conta, dos quais não conseguimos escapar. Há demasiadas pontas que têm de ser queimadas. (...) Caminhar sozinho nas ruas, jantar numa mesa para um – talvez com um livro, talvez não – és deixado sozinho durante horas, dias no fim, com nada mas os teus próprios pensamentos. Começas a falar contigo próprio, a fazer questões a ti mesmo e a respondê-las, e a falar de actividades diárias com a lentidão e apreço que nunca antes sequer tentaste. (...) Há um certo conforto e confiança que ganhas contigo mesmo, quando vais para um sítio novo e começas do início, e conhecimento que  - aconteça o que acontecer no resto da tua vida – foste capaz de dar em salto e aterrar suavemente pelo menos uma vez. (...) Assim, olhas para a tua vida, e para os dois países que a têm, e percebes que és agora duas pessoas distintas. Por muito que o teu país represente e preencha diferentes partes de ti e do que gostas na vida, por muito que tenhas formados laços inquebráveis com pessoas que amas em ambos os sítios  por muito que te sintas completamente em qualquer um deles, estás dividido em dois. Para o resto da tua vida, ou pelo menos é isso que parece, passarás o teu tempo numa ânsia constante pelo outro [país], à espera que possas voltar, nem que seja apenas por algumas semanas e mergulhar de novo na pessoa que eras lá. (...) Viver num sitio novo é algo lindo e excitante, e pode mostrar-te que podes ser quem tu quiseres – nos teus próprios termos. Pode dar-te o dom da liberdade, de novos começos, da curiosidade e entusiasmo. Mas começar de novo, entrar naquele avião, não vem sem um preço. Não podes estar em dois sítios ao mesmo tempo, e a partir de agora, vais sempre ter noites em que ficas deitado na cama a pensas em tudo o que estás a perder no outro lado."

Autor: CHELSEA FAGAN
Link para Artigo Original

Untitled

There are things you like to explore,

Others you crave to debate

Things you want to avoid

And those you want to forget

There are topics you tend to obsess

Others you’d like to understand

Topics you prefer to ignore

And those you fear to face

There are people who color your life

Others who just make you laugh

People you don’t seem to care

And those you wish you could save... 

ESE - Going Back

The place hadn’t changed much, though it had been, what? Almost four years? No, the place hadn’t change much and though she had feared not to remember her way there, she had managed to arrive almost without noticing it. Sure it had been a while since she had last drove that road, but she had done it so many times in the past that she could probably do it with her eyes closed.

She parked in the half full parking lot and took a deep breath, it was strange to be there again. She was excited about the meeting, she was curious to see who else she would find, but for some reason she was slightly nervous too. It felt strange at first to walk those corridors, to see the current students gathered at the door, to look in the cafeteria and not recognize anyone. During a quick visit to the ladies room a girl referred to her as “Madam” and she wondered if she really had changed that much since the last time she had stepped on that building.

It was still early for her appointment so she sat down with her book in the cafeteria, like she had done so many times before. Everything seemed the same and yet everything was changed. She had been so happy there, more than that, she had felt safe, at home, but now that she thought about it she had never come back. Not once. Not until this day.

She remembered the times when the faces used to be familiar. It felt odd to be there alone, but at the same time it was nice to have the chance to slowly take it all in.

She focused on her book but never lost the track at time and at 12 pm exactly she stood and walked to the office she had visited so many times in the past.

“Do you still remember where it is?” the professor asked in her last email. That made her chuckle, if there was one place she would never forget the location was Professor’s Sofia office. A room that she and her colleagues had used often during her student years, where they would seek advice, ask for new material, complain about inflexible professors and unsteady colleagues. The professor was good, she would listen, she would understand but she would never give them full reason, she would never let them use it as an excuse not to do a good work, a great work. She set the standards and earned her respect. Despite being a professor, a figure of authority, someone who would grade their work, the woman was someone down to earth that they could usually rely on to help with whatever the issue was.

And that’s what she was hoping she would still find there. She was in one of those crossroads in life where she could feel the winds of change, the problem was that she wasn’t exactly sure which path to choose.

She wasn’t exactly sure what her expectations about the meeting were, after all, They never gave us answers in this school, she thought as she was getting closer to her destination, they always made us get them on our own.

The professor had told her she had a meeting at 11.30 am, so on her way there she wondered if she should knock, worried who else she would find in the office or if she would interrupt anything. All in vain, as when she came in face with the office the door was already opened for her. She stepped in the door frame and stopped, waiting for an acknowledgment from the other woman that her presence had been noticed. When her eyes rose from the work she was finishing and she greeted her, the younger woman curved her lips into a shy smile and went in. Suddenly she had travelled back four years in time and she was just a student again.

Apart from the professor , the office was empty, and once she closed the door the pressure was off. Alexis had never been a social butterfly, but for some reason this woman made her feel comfortable. It was probably not appropriate to confess but she was almost a mother figure, someone calm, put together and that somehow managed to read her like an open book.

Alexis was shy and reserved, but ever since the first year that woman had managed to see behind her walls, which was fascinating for her. She had an image that she had built, the one that most people saw, but the professor seemed to see what would actually go through her head.

The professor had once confessed her that she was very much alike Alexis when she was young, so the girl wondered if that was how she always seemed to be so in keen with her mind.

They talked for hours and though Alexis was not great in keeping a conversation, they had so many experiences to share that it just naturally happened. The professor seemed to understand her passion for going away and discover the world, but more important than that she understood how those experiences were important for her growth, which she always felt most people didn’t. Maybe she wouldn’t either if she had never gone to that school, where people taught her that knowledge is everywhere, is just a matter of opening our eyes and reflect about your experiences.

They made a quick break for lunch and Alexis joined professor Sofia and some other professors in the cafeteria. There, being recognized by the lunch lady, seeing the familiar faces from the professors that hadn’t changed much over the years and hearing them talking about the regular school problems she started to feel a little less of an outcast.

Once the lunch was over and the professors resumed their tasks, Alexis and the professor walked back to her office to continue their chat. There was no script, no topic and yet they managed to discuss so much. They talked for three hours and the time flew. The professor was one of the only people who could understand the temptation of wanting to go back to something she had left behind, as she had dealt with the same dilemma years ago. Maybe that was why her opinion seemed more valid, because Alexis was sure she knew exactly what she felt.

In the end the professor didn’t give her the answers (like she knew she wouldn’t) but somehow between everything they talked about, her ideas seemed to have settled. There were still no certainties about the future (there never really are, right?), but she could feel the wheels turning in her brain and the engine inside her head starting to work. She knew she would figure it out soon. 

Self-esteem and self-confidence

Self-esteem and self-confidence, how to go past the barriers?

The same comment over and over again. No matter what is the topic or how long you've been involved with it, the feddback is always the same: “You have the skills, we know we can do it, if only you could believe it... You can do great. You just need to work on your self-confidence”.

How do you even build self-esteem? I mean I understand how you can promote other people's self-esteem, but does one develops its own?

The first step is identifying the problem. That's been done, and there's no doubt about it, but what does one do with that information then?

It's funny how people's opinion about someone's capabilities and skills can differ so much from the perception that that person has about herself.

It's a small curse because no matter how talented someone is, no matter how much they invest in something they'll always be holding themselves back because they simply don't believe it.

And rationally maybe they even know it doesn't make sense, but how do you change something that is such a big part of who you are? Where do you even start?

Choices, choices

Sometimes is good to go away for a few days, take a step back from your life in order to figure out the future. You don't even have to conscientiously be aware of it, but being away gives you a different perspective. You understand what you miss and those things you are not exactly forward to come back to and that shows you where you truly stand.
Being away allows you to think about alternative options. An opportunity that sometimes we don't have when we get lost in every day’s routine.

All this thinking isn't necessarily easy or pleasant, because you may realize that once again it's time to stop procrastinating and make a change in your life. And yes, change is good ( even if we always hate it and try to avoid it at first), but it's choosing the right path that's tricky. It's good to have options, but it also makes everything so much harder. How do you ever know if you're making the right choice? How does one make sure not to waste any chances or knows what will be better for the future? How to be sure when it's time to move on even if we miss what it was?

I like plans

I like plans. I’m aware that it’s impossible to plan every minute of your life, but I need structure in mine.

I’ve been lucky enough to have some amazing experiences happening to me as a result of failed plans, so I’m not crushed or freaked out if in, the ends, things don’t go exactly as I designed, nevertheless I need plans.

Plans are good because they allow me to settle, to get ready for whatever it is that it’s coming and to decide whether or not that’s what I want to do with my life. It’s has always bother me not having a plan, and even if I kept telling myself that it didn’t matter, it would annoy me more than I would ever admit.

And it’s funny how things work, you may search for weeks for an alternative, an option for the future and find nothing that fits your needs, and then simply go out for coffee with a friend for a casual conversation and something comes up.

So I’m glad now, because I really like plans and it seems that they’re starting to appear again.