I once read about something called lachesism. They described it as the “desire
to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a
fire – anything that would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life and forge
it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff
prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and
the other”. And as I read it, word by
word, I realised I’ve been experiencing it for years…
I broke my left wrist when I was 9. When I
finally got home from the hospital I remember asking my mother if dreaming about
something could make it real. The reason I asked, is because I would often
daydream about being hit by a car, and even thought that was not how I got
hurt, I wondered, if in a twisted way the universe was hitting me back.
Looking back to other dreams I created as years
went on I realised facing disaster was a common topic. Granted those dreams
always involved saving someone and a happy ending, but nevertheless…
There were the occasionally lightweight happy
dreams, but they never lasted long, it was almost like the darkness soothed me.
I think part of it came from wanting to justify the darkness that always been
inside me. Wanting, needing a reason for it. I’m often ruled by very dark moods that come
out of nowhere, waves of anger and panic and utter sadness that come for no
reason. I feel them creeping in and yet I do nothing to stop them, sometimes I
even feed them, because I’m subdued by this overwhelming need to feel utterly
sad. Overtime I’ve learned to dig myself out of that whole, I don’t allow
myself to stay longer anymore, but for some reason, I still go there…
Lachesism, this desire to be struck by
disaster, doesn’t come only from the need to have a reason for sadness though.
Maybe more than anything it comes from the desperate need to feel something,
anything at all because even worse than feeling sad is to feel nothing, to feel
numb. To feel so empty inside that good or bad you just hope something happens
that makes you feel alive.
23 comments :
Hey. I feel this way too. I don't know why. I daydream a lot about saving a person from getting hit by a car (possibly get hit in the process but survive eventually), survive a serious plane crash, ran away from being a hostage, winning a quarrel in a bar with a guy bigger than me, escaping a drowning car...
I don't know why I like these things. I just feel so high thinking of it.
Same! I always thought I was so weird. Wanting to be in a hurricane, again like you said being hit by a car but surviving. Last night even, having the house full with carbon monoxide and me dragging everyone out but me not making it. I don’t know if it’s for attention or what’s going on, but glad I’m not alone
im really happy i found someone else who identifies with this. been experiencing it for my whole life and always thought that something must be very wrong, but upon thinking this i started to believe that i wanted something to be wrong... i think this subject is very interesting and it would be nice to know what this feeling stems from.
Does anyone know how to deal this this? Because to be honest this feeling really does scare me, I’m afraid that something will actually happen and that I will enjoy it and that can’t be healthy
I don’t know what causes it but I experience it lots. I dream about my house been on fire and escaping but having to start a new life. Whenever there is the chance of something bad happening I always think “what if”
Someone please help me. I’m freaking out. I’m having thoughts that I want a family member to die so that I can feel sad. What is wrong with me
I feel this way too, but I’ve never told anyone how I’ve felt. I always wondered why I’ve felt like this before, like wanting to survive being kidnapped, or have a close family member or friend die, or something along the lines of such.
Dude I always find myself hoping that one of my family members or someone close to me dies. I'm pretty sure it's for attention. I don't really know, though? I always feel really numb and emotionless, could that be why..? I want to be that kid that gets in fights 24/7,,, gets beat up, and fights back. I don't know why, with that one. Seriously, though, I always imagine my siblings dying, and when I imagine it, I never really- care.. but I like to thing that people would be super sympathetic towards me. This one time my brother went missing, all of my siblings were crying, but I like- didn't care. It's weird to think about because like- I have a girlfriend, and I think I love her, but when I imagine something happening to her, I don't show any emotion. It's really weird,,
I honestly thought I was the only one. And I've been through some bad things in life you generally dont hear people go through in a span of 4 years. I dont even talk about it for attention, but in the moment, the adrenaline shooting up, the stress going through your guts, it makes me feel alive. Imagine a roller coaster, except its your life on the line. Reading this though has now got me thinking, if thats what makes me feel alive how am I going to be good to those around me? At the end of the day, all i got after the adrenaline and stress go away is depression and PTSD
I feel the same as all the other Comments in here! I don’t know why I have these thoughts, wether it’s because I don’t feel anything otherwise or just for attention. I always find myself pretending to be nice to my family because I don’t want to let them down or make them think they did something wrong. I have no reason to have depression or any other mental illness so my parents would just shrug it off. I never want to talk about these thoughts in case people think I’m doing it for attention but I’m going to start writing down all these thoughts to get them in one place.
Im so happy Im not alone
I have similar experiences too. I want bad things to happen to me or to the world. I often want to go through some horrible disaster or live in a dystopian world. I think these thoughts come from me wanting others sympathy. I would never want anything bad to happen tome or other people. I often feel guilty and I don't know why this happens to me.
Omg! I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me because I feel like this 24/7. Like wanting my best friend to suddenly die or someone close to me just to mourn them and experience it which sounds really messed up. Or I get thoughts of just suddenly dying and experiencing death, which has always intrigued me a lot. I do think it has something to do with wanting to just feel something as I don’t really have a lot of empathy and I’m a pretty cold person. Well whatever the reasons are I’m just glad I’m not alone on this one.
i thought i was alone..i’m so glad i’m not though, i don’t know what is wrong with me because i am not a bar person i love all of my family and friends but i catch myself acting out (actually crying) what it would be like for one of my family or friends to die, or me saving them from death or them saving me and i just get a thrill? not because the thought of them dead but the thought of being in that situation and experiencing the adrenaline and the high that i would feel. i’m numb i must admit i don’t ‘feel’ any thing anymore. it’s like i’m alive but i’m not living. i’m young too so it’s kinda worrying me i don’t want too feel like this forever. i imagine sad scenarios because crying is feeling something. sadness is a emotion.
i’ve felt like this all my life but i never really thought anything of it. when i was younger i told my parents i wanted to break my leg and they asked why and i shrugged bc i couldn’t tell them i wanted the attention. i always made up scenarios of my dad going to war or my friends and fam dying just so i could get sympathy and experience mourning. it’s so f*cked up and i actually get so u to it i cry. i’ve imagined myself with mental illness and eating disorder, accidents and shootings where i’ve saved someone but ended up in hospital, and the thought of the attention was so glamourous in a way. is it wrong? am i a bad person
I would love to get in contact with some of you people, I have experienced most of this at some point in my life thinking I was the only one and now that I know I am not, I think it would be amazing to share these thoughts with someone who feels the same way.
This is without a doubt the post I get most comments on... mostly anonymous, which is fine :) But some of you seem to be interested in discussing it further, if you do please leave us a way to get in touch with you :)
oh my god. this is what I have been feeling for years omg. this explains so much woahhhh
I really want to discuss this further and find out the reasoning behind it
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it’s sort of relieving but also terrifying realizing this feeling has a name. recently i’ve been feeling it more often and it’s difficult to not see myself as a bad person for thinking these things. at points throughout the day and night i’ll find myself thinking over vivid scenarios in which my friends or family die. but typically it’s not even just one, it’s all of them. i know that i would never in a million years wish that that would happen, but sometimes i think about it a concerning amount. reason that it is related to wanting to have some sort of “kink” or disruption in my life makes quite a bit of sense. my life is typically pretty simple and i do have these thoughts more often during particularly boring times. hopefully trying to keep myself more busy will help to ease my mind and distract from the desire for disaster to strike.
I've been struggling with this for years. Ever since I was a kid and I realized that my life was rather comfortable and that I'd be comfortable growing up, I have desired some sort of tragedy to befall me. On one side of my brain, I realize that I should be happy that no such tragedies have happened in my life, but on the other side, I desperately want to experience something horrible. I want to get hit by a car or go blind, perhaps even lose a limb or a family member. It's actually gotten to the point where I feel guilty that these things haven't happened to me. I sometimes feel as if I want these things to happen so badly because I deserve them, and not my current simple life. I've always thought I was a bad person for having these thoughts, maybe desiring attention or something, even though I would never dare voice them to family or friends. I guess I feel a little better now knowing I'm not alone, and that maybe this isn't some type of character flaw.
I feel the exact same way. It's always so strange. I do the same thing as everyone in the comments, and sometimes I even imagine myself dying and people being sad about my death and funeral. Is this depression? Cause I don't feel like it? Do you guys know?
Omg I thought I was the only one I actually saw the definition of this on an Instagram post and I searched it up cuz it sounded so familiar to me.
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