Friday, November 10, 2017

Lachesism

I once read about something called lachesism. They described it as the “desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire – anything that would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other”.  And as I read it, word by word, I realised I’ve been experiencing it for years…

I broke my left wrist when I was 9. When I finally got home from the hospital I remember asking my mother if dreaming about something could make it real. The reason I asked, is because I would often daydream about being hit by a car, and even thought that was not how I got hurt, I wondered, if in a twisted way the universe was hitting me back.  

Looking back to other dreams I created as years went on I realised facing disaster was a common topic. Granted those dreams always involved saving someone and a happy ending, but nevertheless…
There were the occasionally lightweight happy dreams, but they never lasted long, it was almost like the darkness soothed me. I think part of it came from wanting to justify the darkness that always been inside me. Wanting, needing a reason for it.  I’m often ruled by very dark moods that come out of nowhere, waves of anger and panic and utter sadness that come for no reason. I feel them creeping in and yet I do nothing to stop them, sometimes I even feed them, because I’m subdued by this overwhelming need to feel utterly sad. Overtime I’ve learned to dig myself out of that whole, I don’t allow myself to stay longer anymore, but for some reason, I still go there…


Lachesism, this desire to be struck by disaster, doesn’t come only from the need to have a reason for sadness though. Maybe more than anything it comes from the desperate need to feel something, anything at all because even worse than feeling sad is to feel nothing, to feel numb. To feel so empty inside that good or bad you just hope something happens that makes you feel alive. 

7 comments :

Anonymous said...

Hey. I feel this way too. I don't know why. I daydream a lot about saving a person from getting hit by a car (possibly get hit in the process but survive eventually), survive a serious plane crash, ran away from being a hostage, winning a quarrel in a bar with a guy bigger than me, escaping a drowning car...

I don't know why I like these things. I just feel so high thinking of it.

Anonymous said...

Same! I always thought I was so weird. Wanting to be in a hurricane, again like you said being hit by a car but surviving. Last night even, having the house full with carbon monoxide and me dragging everyone out but me not making it. I don’t know if it’s for attention or what’s going on, but glad I’m not alone

Anonymous said...

im really happy i found someone else who identifies with this. been experiencing it for my whole life and always thought that something must be very wrong, but upon thinking this i started to believe that i wanted something to be wrong... i think this subject is very interesting and it would be nice to know what this feeling stems from.

Unknown said...

Does anyone know how to deal this this? Because to be honest this feeling really does scare me, I’m afraid that something will actually happen and that I will enjoy it and that can’t be healthy

Anonymous said...

I don’t know what causes it but I experience it lots. I dream about my house been on fire and escaping but having to start a new life. Whenever there is the chance of something bad happening I always think “what if”

Anonymous said...

Someone please help me. I’m freaking out. I’m having thoughts that I want a family member to die so that I can feel sad. What is wrong with me

Anonymous said...

I feel this way too, but I’ve never told anyone how I’ve felt. I always wondered why I’ve felt like this before, like wanting to survive being kidnapped, or have a close family member or friend die, or something along the lines of such.