Insomnia - II

You’ve followed through with the plan, trying to get some rest, and yet you lie in bed wide awake while the clock keeps ticking in the darkness of the night. 

There’s an inner fight inside your brain, as one part begs the other to let go of the thoughts just for one night. But it doesn’t, they never stop coming. 

You’re tired, you’re actually tired, and you can’t understand how it is possible to be so hyper aware when you’re this exhausted. 

There’s a needy side of you that comes out in nights like these, a side that you don’t necessarily appreciate, but with it also comes the honesty, a raw honesty that you don’t usually allow yourself. You’re not exactly sure why, probably because you’re just too exhausted to filter. Regardless, you’ve learned to use it on your behalf, to allow yourself to put in words what you don’t usually say, and hopefully share it before the morning hits and rationality takes over. 

The endless nights that can be both your best friend and worst enemy. Where you can find comfort in its silence or be sucked in the rabbit hole once again.

There are techniques you’ve developed over the years, some that you started using when you were only a child, not even aware that this could be a problem. Some of them still carry you through the long hours most of the nights. You’ve taught yourself to dream even if awake, you’ve build your very own world, and most times it makes it manageable. But it’s not always enough. Some nights the force that takes over your thoughts is darker, deeper, you think about everything and nothing at all at the same time. You’re hit with waves of panic for no apparent reason, you’re overwhelmed with a sense of loss that you can’t quiet place, you think about those who are far and the ones that are gone, the ones that you miss without having never met them. In nights like this you review your whole life, you rethink every single choice you’ve ever made, replay every single word said or left unsaid. 

Waiting for the morning, that’s all you can do, there’s no way around it. The morning will come, regardless of the fact that you have slept or not, you’ll carry on with your obligations throughout the day just hoping that you can wear yourself down enough not to have to cope with another sleepless night.