Sitting at the table, in the small cafeteria of her primary school, surrounded by children and teachers, laughter and noises, she closed her eyes and repeated to herself: “What if I wasn’t here? What if I wasn’t here? What if I wasn’t here?”. This happened frequently, not this question in particular, just fluttering thoughts, random questions, that played in her mind over and over again, obsessively. No-one noticed what she was doing, not even the child sitting right across from her, but in that moment, she couldn’t stop her restless mind “What if I had never been born? Would the world be any different?”.
She couldn’t be more than 8 at the time. Life was good. She wasn’t sad or worried, the questions didn’t come from a place of fear, rather than genuine curiosity for the impact one could have in the world. She was well taken care of, she didn’t have to worry about much, and overall, she was seen in a good light, but what did that even mean in the bigger scope of things? If someone were to come and just erase her existence, what difference would it make?
She wasn’t thinking about disappearance or death or anything tragic. Losing someone you once knew… certainly that would affect people. She meant, what if simply she had never existed. What would that change? If anything…
(Feb 4th 2024)
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