Saturday, November 12, 2011

It’s all about control and balance

I can feel it, I try to ignore it but it keeps trying to allure me back. I know me… I know these symptoms… I’ve been here before. It’s different now, I’m different (!) I can fight it now, at least for a while. There was a time I was so alone, so sad, so disappointed that I just didn’t care. So I would run away and lock myself in that little world of mine every chance I would get. I was safe there, I was loved but most important… I was able to love. The thing was I was getting lost there and it was getting harder and harder to get back to real life everytime. The gap between these two realities was too wide and it kept expanding. I would be mad everytime I would be pulled out of my dreams, I would get frustrated ‘cause I was craving my dreams. I was desperate a lot of the times, wondering if the pain would ever go away.
But I’ve changed… don’t know why, or how, or when but I’m more peaceful about the whole thing now. I’m not happy, I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever be but I’m content… I just came to acceptance that this wonderful world I created can’t ever be, and somehow I’ll have to learn to survive out here on my own. It’s not like I don’t wish for that breathtaking moment, for that hug to keep me save, that warm smile that can make my day or that little wink that says “I believe in you! You can do it”… I would be lying if I would say otherwise. But it’s almost a platonic dream… something that even though I wish much harder than I would like to admit I kind of know it’s never going to happen… But still I can’t let that go. Again, I know myself, I know I can‘t live without my world. I can’t even imagine not having that shelter, that secret safe place that because it remains unknown nobody can destroy.
I just have to figure out a way to balance it. Because even though I know I can be happy there, staying too long, going too frequently, too deep makes me alienate people even more and gets me farther away from the real world. So I have to set boundaries and I’m getting a little better at it.
I still hear it calling me, I feel it coming in tides. But I’m aware now, I know the deeper I go the tougher is going to be to get out of it again.  I can fight it a little bit… how much? For how long? I don’t know. But I’m working on it and yes I still have those moments when I don’t wanna cope with anything, when I just want to run back there and hide. But that’s okay, truth is I don’t want it to go away completely ‘cause it’s part of who I am, who I’ve become.

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