Growing Up

Hi babes just to warn you this one is a bit long, but hopefully worth it ;) XoXo, Fi

I’ve never felt never very keen about the idea of growing up. I can’t explain why, but I never wanted to be older than 14/15. Even when I was a teenager and all my friends were longing for independence (which I always had anyway), to be able to drive, to be able to make their own decisions, I was never that anxious about turning 18. Maybe because I had had a happy childhood and I don’t like to change, maybe because I was happy with what I knew and didn’t want to take the risk of finding something less great, maybe because it was when I started to grow up that everything stopped being clear and the thoughts and feelings started to mix up and haunt me. 

I loved being naïve, loving everybody and believing they were perfect. I enjoyed playing in my fantasy world and believing in things like Santa Claus (actually I remember forcing myself to believe in his existence when I was already aware he wasn’t real). Everything was so clear then, so black and white. It may seem simplistic but I confess I miss the times when it was clear that a behavior was either good or evil, that people where either nice or mean, when choices where either right or wrong. Not feeling the weight of the world in your shoulders, being able to run to someone’s arms everytime you fall down, being able to believe when someone reassures you that it will be okay. How can you not miss that? 

Growing up meant having to realize that there are no perfect people at that I took hard. The realization that things aren’t always as we think they are. Changing my opinions, realizing that everyone has a dark side. For some reason I had lived in this bubble where everything was good and people were sweet, and then one day it just hit me that I wasn’t able to have that same feeling anymore. Suddenly I didn’t like that people that much and the things they were doing didn’t feel right anymore. Those were hard times. To have feelings inside that you don’t understand and you strive to let go, to cope with the fact that everything you always knew and love doesn’t feel as perfect and safe anymore. 

I always hated when people would refer to it as “just a phase”. It’s like it didn’t matter. I couldn’t care less if it was just a phase or not. I felt lost, confused, scared even. I was disappointed with the world because no-one had ever told me I could be surrounded by a crowd and yet feel incredibly lonely. Being just phase didn’t bring me any reassurance, if anything made me feel silly to be so affected by something that apparently everyone goes through and overcomes eventually. 

Growing up is tough because there’re too many things involved and you struggle to juggle all the changes that you are perceiving in the world with the ones that are going inside yourself. You look for a reference, some to look up to, some role model that knows exactly what to do, and how to act. Someone that you can just follow the steps. But it’s unrealistic, it’s a recipe for disaster, you will be constantly disappointed because no matter how smart, confident and mature someone is, no one knows the answer for everything in life. 

I didn’t want to grow up because the expectations are way higher and there’s no way back. I liked the idea of having an excuse to fail, when a mistake could be justified because you were just “too young”. More than trying to please everybody I just wanted to blend in. Since no-one seemed able to comfort me or teach me how to deal with all the changes I just wanted to be left alone. 

For a while I tried to fight it, though deep inside I knew I stand no chance. The anger eventually faded away and more convinced that it wouldn’t change I started to come to terms with it. I didn’t like it, I wasn’t happy but I realized there was no other way. To the outsiders I was doing okay. I had my friends, my activities, I did well in school, but inside, I was… not even sad, just desperate really. Wondering if I would feel like an outcast my whole life. My heart ached with the thought of having these feeling, these doubts, this neediness forever. 

I was a girl that never paid attention to trends, I was never a follower, but still I think sometimes I’d try to morph myself in something I was not. I figured that it must be something wrong in me and that maybe by changing I would feel better. But no matter how miserable you are when you’re being yourself, acting like someone else won’t make you feel better, because it will never be real. 

I don’t think it is just a stage. At least not for everybody. But you grow up, no matter how much you fight it or how you try to prevent it, you can’t help it. Hopefully you’ll get to that place when you’re able to accept that maybe life will never be what you want it to be, that people will never be able to give you what you need them to give you, that there are things in you that no matter how much you hate you’ll never be able to change and that those feelings and thoughts will never go away. Hopefully too, you’ll be wise enough to realize that even if it’s not all you wished for, there’s something you can take from every experience, and that instead of looking for the perfect friendship or relationship you just have to take a little love when you can. 

Even if you still feel the pressure, you’ll start to give in in some aspects. Details on your life will become important enough for you to react to them without second thoughts, without worrying about what everyone will think. You’ll teach yourself not to rationalize your feelings regarding your friends and that there’s nothing wrong to let someone know how much you love them (even if you not able to tell it to everybody). 

You do grow up, and it’s not so much that things change, or that you change, it’s just that in order to protect your sanity you’ll develop the ability to cope with it. And if having a song in repeat mode, listening to an interview over and over again, watching the same Tv shows thousands of times or just writing silly posts peace’s you out, than go for it. 

Growing up is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just… different. Perhaps fitting in and finding that person (or people) that make you feel special, comfortable and loved is not meant for everyone but maybe you can have that role in someone else’s life and it won’t be half bad.