ESE - Going Back

The place hadn’t changed much, though it had been, what? Almost four years? No, the place hadn’t change much and though she had feared not to remember her away there, she had managed to arrive almost without noticing it. Sure it had been a while since she had last drove that road, but she had done it so many times in the past that she could probably do it with her eyes closed.

She parked in the half full parking lot and took a deep breath, it was strange to be there again. She was excited about the meeting, she was curious to see who else she would find, but for some reason she was slightly nervous too. It felt strange at first to walk those corridors, to see the current students gathered at the door, to look in the cafeteria and not recognized anyone. During a quick visit to the ladies room a girl referred to her as “Madam” and she wondered if she really had changed that much since the last time she had stepped on that building.

It was still early for her appointment so she sat down with her book in the cafeteria, like she had done so many times before. Everything seemed the same and yet everything was changed. She had been so happy there, more than that, she had felt safe, at home, but now that she thought about it she had never come back. Not once. Not until this day.

She remembered the times when the faces used to be familiar. It felt odd to be there alone, but at the same time it was nice to have the chance to slowly take it all in.

She focused on her book but never lost the track at time and at 12 pm exactly she stood and walked to the office she had visited so many times in the past.

“Do you still remember where it is?” the professor asked in her last email. That made her chuckle, if there was one place she would never forget the location was Professor’s Sofia office. A room that she and her colleagues had used often during her student years, where they would seek advice, ask for new material, complain about inflexible professors and unsteady colleagues. The professor was good, she would listen, she would understand but she would never give them full reason, she would never let them use it as an excuse not to do a good work, a great work. She set the standards and earned her respect. Despite being a professor, a figure of authority, someone who would grade their work, the woman was someone down to earth that they could usually rely on to help with whatever the issue was.

And that’s what she was hoping she would still find there. She was in one of those crossroads in life where she could feel the winds of change, the problem was that she wasn’t exactly sure which path to choose.

She wasn’t exactly sure what her expectations about the meeting were, after all, They never gave us answers in this school, she thought as she was getting closer to her destination, they always made us get them on our own.

The professor had told her she had a meeting at 11.30 am, so on her way there she wondered if she should knock, worried who else she would find in the office or if she would interrupt anything. All in vain, as when she came in face with the office the door was already opened for her. She stepped in the door frame and stopped, waiting for an acknowledgment from the other woman that her presence had been noticed. When her eyes rose from the work she was finishing and she greeted her, the younger woman curved her lips into a shy smile and went in. Suddenly she had travelled back four years in time and she was just a student again.

Apart from the professor , the office was empty, and once she closed the door the pressure was off. Alexis had never been a social butterfly, but for some reason this woman made her feel comfortable. It was properly not appropriate to confess but she was almost a mother figure, someone calm, put together and that somehow managed to read her like an open book.

Alexis was shy and reserved, but ever since the first year that woman had managed to see behind her walls, which was fascinating for her. She had an image that she had built, the one that most people saw, but the professor seemed to see what would actually go through her head.

The professor had once confessed her that she was very much alike Alexis when she was young, so the girl wondered if that was how she always seemed to be so in keen with her mind.

They talked for hours and though Alexis was not great in keeping a conversation, they had so many experiences to share that it just naturally happened. The professor seemed to understand her passion for going away and discover the world, but more important than that she understood how those experiences were important for her growth, which she always felt most people didn’t. Maybe she wouldn’t either if she had never gone to that school, where people taught her that knowledge is everywhere, is just a matter of opening our eyes and reflect about your experiences.

They made a quick break for lunch and Alexis joined professor Sofia and some other professors in the cafeteria. There, being recognized by the lunch lady, seeing the familiar faces from the professors that hadn’t changed much over the years and hearing them talking about the regular school problems she started to feel a little less of an outcast.

Once the lunch was over and the professors resumed their tasks, Alexis and the professor walked back to her office to continue their chat. There was no script, no topic and yet they managed to discuss so much. They talked for three hours and the time flew. The professor was one of the only people who could understand the temptation of wanting to go back to something she had left behind, as she had dealt with the same dilemma years ago. Maybe that was why her opinion seemed more valid, because Alexis was sure she knew exactly what she felt.

In the end the professor didn’t give her the answers (like she knew she wouldn’t) but somehow between everything they talked about, her ideas seemed to have settled. There were still no certainties about the future (there never really are, right?), but she could feel the wheels turning in her brain and the engine inside her head starting to work. She knew she would figure it out soon.