Love transcends death

In Memory of MF

I’ve always had these odd things where I picture bizarre scenarios in my mind. I think it’s because I don’t like the unknown and I like to believe that I’ll be ready for whatever comes. So, yes, I had thought about it before, how I would react to losing someone… How I would cope with death…

I was blessed not to have to deal with it when I was younger… I still am, considering that you were the only one I ever had to watch go. I remember like it was yesterday, me at 19 trying to be all grown up, trying to keep myself together and explain to them what death was, when I wasn’t sure I understood the concept myself.

It didn’t get me right away. I think I was numb at first, just trying to deal with everyone else’s pain, trying to keep myself busy and make myself useful. I don’t like people and I’m not good with feelings, so I always wondered if it would ever really get to me. And maybe it was because I never had to deal with it before, or because as always, I kept it all inside, but I surprised myself when, more than once, I woke up crying in the middle of the night because again you insisted in popping up in my dreams.

Human mind has its tricks and it works in curious ways. I know we shared lots of moments - concerts, holidays, family dinners… and I know that, unlike other people that tend to become less available when they grow up, most of times I was there. But still, the first thing that came to my mind when I heard what happened (and that still does everytime I think about it) is that the very last time you met us for dinner, I didn’t stay. I went to this birthday party I didn’t even felt like going to, of someone that later showed not to be that worthy… little did I know that that would be the last time I would see you. I don’t like to dwell in the past, I don’t want to be one of those people who live for the memories, and rationally I know I can’t blame myself for that, and that after all those years, that last night wouldn’t really made a difference, but still…  

I don't want, however, remember you with sadness, because that would be unfair, to diminish all you were to that one moment when you left. So, I try to focus on the bright side, what you taught us, what you shared with us, and the two wonderful little ones that you left us.

It’s been 5 years… So much as changed and yet, everything is the same… Your death didn’t just change me, I feel it changed the family, it changed the dynamic and as cliché as it may sound, reminded us what really matters. Therefore, no matter what comes our way or how we end up, how we celebrate it or burry our pain, I know that each of us, in our own special way will remember you forever, because

“Love transcends death [and] the people we love touch our lives, even after they're gone”*

* By Michael T. Weiss as Jarod In The Pretender