Pain

Pains swipes down. No matter how in control you usually are. How independent. How self-sufficient. When you’re in crawling in pain you’ll beg for someone to come and take it away.

Those are the moments I envy people who have faith. Who can pray to someone or something and believe it’s going to help them… I don’t have that, so with a needle in my arm and screeching in pain I found myself talking to a bottle of medicine begging it to please work, to please make its magic. Quite insane I’m aware.

But I’m too rational, even in the craziest scenarios I am, I can’t help it. So while I was in crying in pain I was telling to myself “shake it off, I’m sure there are pains so much stronger than that!”. Which it’s true, but at the same time at that point I didn’t really care, I just wanted it to stop.

These are also the moments I regret to have lost the innocence of a child. It’s so much easier when you’re a kid, and your mom tells you you’re going to be fine, and you believe her. Because she knows best, after all she’s a mom. But then you grow up and you’re aware that no matter how magical and grand parents may seem they don’t do miracles. Now, you’re aware that even if they’re giving you something for the pain it’s not going to work right away, you still have to wait until it actually gets to your system. And again, I’m good at being rational. So, if someone tells me “You’re going to be in excruciating time, but after 40 minutes the drugs will kick in and you’ll feel better” I can hold it together. I can process it in my mind and endure the pain, because I know it’s going to stop in 40 minutes. It’s the not knowing that desperate me. So when I’m holding it together for 40 minutes and then nothing changes… then I start losing it.

And it’s crazy because I was hurting before, a non-related pain. And I felt like crap. But then this came and all I could think was “please I prefer the other one, just take this one, and give me back the previous pain”. It’s so silly… because you feel powerless. I’m not usually that sensible. I rarely cry and I think I can tolerate pain quite well but damn… sometimes you just feel like a baby. Forget about keeping it together and be strong… you just want to cry and have someone fix it.

Good lesson I’ve learned from this experience? Maybe I’ll want to give birth someday. Allow me to explain: though I’m sure being a parent must be the most incredible experience in the world, delivering a baby was never very appealing to me… but according to the nurse that saw me yesterday, a lot of women have claimed that they prefer the pain of delivering a baby than to experience the pain I was suffering… so you see, you always take something from every experience ;)