Values / Valores

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

Today with the kids we talked about values. There’s nothing new about it, we do it often, more than we probably realise, the difference being that today that was the official topic of the day.

Values. Day in and day out, they’re a big part of our fight, probably the biggest part of them all, at least for me. I know I’m way pass the age to be naïve, I know I should probably care a bit more about numbers and results than I do, but truth is, the one thing I really care about is the long term impact that our actions will have in these kids’ lives.

We want them to succeed in life, therefore we (try to) teach them about honesty, forgiveness, justice, friendship, amongst so many other core values we feel important, but how much thought do we put into it? Our values are our beliefs, what we think is important in life. They determine how we act and the way we interact with people, but how aware of it are we?

Do we even know what values we live by? It sounds like a simple question, but after trying a couple exercises I realised it is not. What I found out was that I can’t choose the top 3, top 5, not even top 10 values that are most important for me. For one, because as I look at the list in front of me I find hard to dissociate what I believe my values are, from what I believe the other people identify as being my values. Of course some would be the same, but others…. Isn’t that a common issue in life? That the perception we have of ourselves doesn’t match the way other people see us? And if our personal values represent who we are and who we want to be, can we actually count as a value something that we haven’t achieved yet? What does it really count as your value? Is it a belief you have and are able to shape your actions after it or is it simply something you find important, even if you haven’t necessarily found the best way to express it?

These values that I guide my life by, even if unconsciously, are these really the values I want to pass along to the kids or are these just the ones that were passed on to me and prioritized by my family, culture, society?

What about my behaviour? Is my behaviour actually consistent with the values I think I have? Promoting values is so much more about sharing them with others, letting them experience their worth through your actions, than just talking. So am I doing my part or am I preaching one way and acting another?

A lot of the things we do and say are shaped by our values and our beliefs, and often, those come so naturally to us and we don’t even see them anymore. That can be positive in the sense that it makes us more genuine, but when in our hands rely the very malleable minds of children, shouldn’t we be more aware of what our message is?

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Valores

Hoje, com os miúdos, falámos sobre valores. Nada de novo nisso, é um tema em que tocamos com mais frequência do que aquilo que temos noção, a diferença é que hoje, esse era o tema oficial do dia.

Valores. Dia após dia, os valores representam uma grande parte do nosso trabalho, talvez a maior de todas, pelo menos para mim. Sei que já passei a idade de ser ingénua, que provavelmente me deveria preocupar um pouco mais com números e resultados para o meu próprio bem, mas a verdade é que a única coisa que me interessa na verdade é o impacto que, a longo termo, as nossas ações vão ter na vida destes miúdos.

Queremos que tenham sucesso, por isso tentamos ensinar-lhes sobre honestidade, perdão, justiça, amizade, entre tantos outros valores que consideramos importantes, mas quanto tempo perdemos a pensar realmente sobre o assunto? Os nossos valores são as nossas crenças, aquilo que acreditamos ser importante na vida. Eles determinam como agimos e a forma como interagimos com quem nos rodeia, mas temos consciência da forma como influenciam a nossa vida?

Será que conseguimos definir quais os valores que nos guiam? Parece uma pergunta simples, mas depois de tentar alguns exercícios percebi que na verdade não é. O que descobri foi que não consigo eleger 3, 5, nem sequer os 10 valores mais importantes para mim. Primeiro porque, olhando para lista torna-se difícil dissociar aqueles que acredito serem os meus valores, dos valores que as outras pessoas vêem em mim. Certamente alguns coincidirão, mas outros... (É um problema comum, a percepção que os outros têm de nós não coincidir com a forma como nos vemos...). Por outro lado, se os valores representam o que somos e quem queremos ser, podemos contar como valores algo que consideramos importante mas ainda não atingimos? O que conta na verdade como sendo um valor? Acreditar em algo que consideramos importante e que influencia as nossas decisões ou simplesmente algo que consideramos importante ainda que não saibamos ao certo como o expressar?

Estes valores que guiam a minha vida, de forma mais ou menos consciente, serão mesmo estes os valores que quero passar aos miúdos? Ou serão apenas estes os que me foram passados a mim e priorizados pela minha família, cultura, sociedade?

E o meu comportamento? Será o meu comportamento consistente com os valores que acho que defendo? A promoção de valores, mais do que pela conversa faz-se na partilha com os outros, deixando que percebam a sua importância através das nossas ações. Estarei eu a fazer a minha parte, ou estarei a pregar uma direção e a seguir outra?

Muitas das coisas que fazemos e dizemos são moldadas pelos nossos valores, que muitas vezes ocorrem de forma tão natural que nem nos apercebemos. Isso pode ser positivo no sentido em que nos torna mais genuínos e espontâneos, contudo, quando nas nossas mãos estão as mentes tão maleáveis de crianças/jovens, não deveríamos ter mais claro qual é a mensagem que queremos passar?

Essence/Essência

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

Why are we the way we are? What lies behind our essence?

The first time I went abroad to live in another country, one of the things that excited me the most was the realisation that I could be whoever I wanted to be, because where I was going no-one knew me, therefore there were no expectations. I did dare out of my comfort zone and I grew a hell lot, but what I’ve learned was that soon, the image people had of me there, wasn’t much different from the one they had back home. Soon after my arrival, I noticed the way people would describe me was very similar to how I had been described my whole life.

After a whole year away I returned to Portugal. I found a job in the most unlikely place, surrounded by people with all sorts of backgrounds, that I have never met before. Another chance for a fresh star, I thought, but it didn’t last long… soon enough my label was back on.

I tried it one last time… when I ventured to Poland to become an international volunteer. A new shot at challenging myself, a new chance to test my limits, another opportunity to start from scratch… non surprisingly the feedback was always the same.

And so I realised no amount of running here or there was going to change anything… I realised that despite the circumstances and the distance, the people that surrounded me or the line of work I was involved with, I was always perceived the same way, because that was simply who I was. And one would think this is depressing thought, that regardless where we go and what we do, people will always see us in a certain way, but it goes deeper than that.  I would be diminishing all the amazing experiences I had if I said I didn’t change over the years. We do change. Each one of these experiences, and countless more, have left a mark in me and have changed me in ways I never imagined possible. In a lot of ways I’m stronger and smarter, and for sure more resourceful than I ever was, but the core is still the same. I have evolved. It is my essence that hasn’t changed. And it’s comforting to know that in a world of constant change there is some consistency, that despite how lost we feel at times (most of times) our values guide us, even when we don’t even acknowledge them.

So what is our essence? What is it that makes us unique? What is it that defines who we are, how we act, and how we interact with the world and the ones around us?

We’ve all been asked, at some point in our lives, to describe ourselves. This should be an easy question, after all, we’ve lived with ourselves our entire life… except it is not. The uncanny part is how strongly we can be influenced by these principles, these beliefs, how consistently we can act and still not even be able to point out what it is that define us, and why.

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Essência

Porque somos como somos? O que se esconde por trás da nossa essência?

A primeira vez que fui viver para o estrangeiro, uma das coisas que mais me entusiasmou foi perceber que podia explorar outros lados de mim, porque para onde ia, ninguém me conhecia e por isso não tinha pressão de corresponder às expectativas que todos tinham de mim. Saí da minha zona de conforto, e cresci mais do que alguma vez teria imaginado, mas aprendi que depressa a imagem que as pessoas tinham de mim neste novo local, não era muito diferente daquela que todos os outros sempre tinham tido em Portugal. Pouco tempo depois da minha chegada aos EUA percebi que a forma como as pessoas me descrevia aqui era pouco diferente da forma como me tinham descrito toda a minha vida.

Depois de um ano fora regressei a Portugal. Encontrei emprego no lugar mais improvável, rodeada de pessoas com todo o tipo de histórias e passados, que nunca tinha conhecido antes. Mais uma hipótese para começar de novo, pensei... mas não durou muito. Rapidamente o meu “rótulo” estava de volta.

Tentei uma última vez... quando me aventurei para a Polónia para fazer voluntariado. Mais uma tentativa, mais uma hipótese para testar os meus limites, mais uma oportunidade para começar do zero... sem surpresas, o resultado foi o mesmo de sempre.

E assim que percebi que por mais que corresse ou tentasse fugir, nada iria mudar... Percebi que independentemente das circunstancias e da distância, das pessoas que me rodeiam e/ou da linha de trabalho em que me envolvia, serei sempre vista da mesma forma, porque simplesmente é assim que sou. Pode parecer deprimente, pensar que independentemente de onde formos ou do que fazemos, as pessoas nos vão ver sempre de uma determinada maneira, mas é mais profundo que isso. Estaria a menosprezar todas as experiências incríveis que tive se dissesse que não mudei ao longo dos anos. Nós mudamos. Cada uma destas experiências que falei, e tantas outras, deixaram em mim uma marca, e mudaram-me de formas que nunca achei possível. De muitas formas estou mais forte, mais esperta e, sem dúvida, mais desenrascada, mas o core é o mesmo. Eu evoluí, a minha essência é que é a mesma. E é reconfortante saber que num mundo em constante mudança ainda há alguma consistência, que apesar de muitas vezes nos sentirmos perdidos, os nossos valores guiam-nos, mesmo quando nem damos por isso.

Então qual é a nossa essência? O que é que nos torna únicos? O que é que define quem somos, como agimos e como interagirmos com o mundo e os outros à nossa volta?

Em algum momento da nossa vida, já todos tivemos de responder à pergunta “Como te descreves?”. Devia ser uma pergunta fácil, afinal de contas vivemos connosco próprios toda a nossa vida, nós mais que ninguém devíamos saber responder a esta pergunta... só que nem sempre é assim tão fácil. O mais curioso é mesmo como podemos ser tão influenciados por estes valores e princípios, como conseguimos ser tão consistentes com o nosso comportamento quando na verdade nem conseguimos identificar o que nos guia, e porquê.

Contradiction/Contradição

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

I write to try to make sense of things, and I write to express the things I’m too coward to voice.

I have always prided myself of being a logical person, (as if logic would trump emotion), but the more I try to analyze it, the less sense I can make of things that describe me. I’m a walking contradiction…

I hate change, but I can’t stand boredom. New things make me sick to my stomach and even so, I can’t stay in one place for too long. I’m lazy and I don’t always like to leave the house and see others, still, my favorite hobby is to travel the world and meet other people.

I’m constantly tired, but I fight off sleep. Dreamland has always been my happy place, but for some reason dragging myself there is a struggle every single day.

People praise my patience and yet most times I barely have enough patience to deal with myself. There’s too much that bothers me – how I care about little things, how I play hypothetical conversations in my head over and over, the panic waves that come out of nowhere, how I’m triggered with everyday things like loud noises, crowds, smells, lights, things that are out of place… Every little thing takes so much effort, so much self-control.

My life has been mostly uneventful and still I carry for luggage than an airport. I like to act strong and stoic, and yet I absorb pain like a sponge. I like to keep myself guarded, I don’t know how to do spontaneous proclamations of love, but I have this urge to let people know that I care. Most would describe me as cheery… they would be dumbstruck if they knew the darkness of my thoughts. I’m often perceived as serene and in control, but half the time I’m a train wreck waiting to happen, my head continuously flooded by worst case scenarios that I consciously try to ignore.

I’m a terrible liar and yet I live my own life behind a mask. I’ve always had this particular interest in people, even though I’m still not sure I quite like them. I have a tremendous inability to trust, to connect fully, to love unconditionally. A humongous fear of being let down, even though I’ve never let myself get close enough for that to happen. I have an amazing urge to be independent and push people away, yet I find myself making connections wherever I go.

Time haunts me terribly. It bothers me how slowly the clock moves and yet I feel like I’m running against it – having done so little so far with all the time I’ve been given. I’m unable to live in the moment, there’s this constant awareness of life passing by, the clock ticking, time running out. A pressure so high to achieve something, that blocks out any possible attempt, drains any motivation.

I believe in second chances, that people are more than their mistakes, but I forgive myself nothing. I score minimum in self-esteem, I believe most everyone can be better than me at any given thing, and yet I hold myself to standards I don’t demand from anyone else.

I have little faith, but I dream big. I feel worthless, but I aspire to change the world. My life choices may come across as fearless and brave, when in reality I live in constant fear. Fear of everything, fear of nothing. A fear of failure almost as strong as the fear of wasting life away for not pushing myself hard enough.

I write to try to explain things, yet most times I’m not sure I understand myself.

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Contradição

Escrevo para tentar compreender o que me rodeia, escrevo para expressar tudo o que não tenho coragem de dizer.

Sempre me orgulhei de ser uma pessoa lógica, (como se a lógica fosse mais importante que a emoção), mas quanto mais tento analisar, menos sentido faz tudo aquilo que me descreve. A conclusão a que chego é que sou uma contradição ambulante...

Odeio mudança, mas não suporto tédio. Tudo o que é novo me incomoda, deixa-me doente, e no entanto não consigo ficar muito tempo no mesmo lugar. Sou preguiçosa e nem sempre gosto de sair de casa e de conviver, ainda assim, uma das minhas paixões é viajar e conhecer outras pessoas.

Estou constantemente cansada, mas luto contra o sono. O vale dos sonhos sempre foi o meu lugar feliz, e mesmo assim, arrastar-me até ele é uma luta diária.

As pessoas elogiam a minha paciência, quando na verdade a maior parte do tempo mal tenho paciência para lidar comigo mesma. Demasiadas coisas me incomodam – como me preocupo demais com pormenores, como repito conversas hipotéticas vezes sem conta na minha cabeça, as ondas de pânico que vêm sem aviso, os pequenos barulhos, multidões, cheiros, luzes... tudo exige um esforço tão grande. Tudo exige tanto autocontrolo.

A minha vida tem sido maioritariamente rotineira, mas mesmo assim carrego mais bagagem (emocional) que um aeroporto. Mostro-me uma pessoa forte e estóica e no entanto absorvo as dores dos outros como uma esponja. Gosto de me manter resguardada, não sei como fazer proclamações de amor espontâneas, mas tenho uma necessidade imensa que as pessoas percebam que têm importância. A maior parte das pessoas descrever-me-ia como alegre... ficariam em choque se vissem a escuridão dos meus pensamentos. Sou geralmente vista como alguém sereno e calmo, mas a maior parte do tempo sinto-me como um desastre à espera de acontecer, a minha cabeça constantemente inundada com os piores cenários possíveis, que conscientemente tento ignorar.

Não sei mentir, e apesar disso vivo a minha vida atrás de uma máscara. Sempre tive um interesse particular por pessoas, apesar de ainda não ter certeza se gosto delas. Tenho uma incapacidade enorme em confiar, em ligar-me aos outros de forma plena, em amar incondicionalmente. Um medo tremendo de me desiludir, quando nunca sequer deixei ninguém aproximar-se o suficiente para que isso fosse possível. Sinto uma necessidade enorme de ser independente e autossuficiente, e ainda assim dou por mim a criar amizades onde quer que vá.

O tempo assombra-me terrivelmente. Incomoda-me a lentidão com que o relógio se move e no entanto sinto que estou a correr contra ele – tendo feito tão pouco com tanto tempo que já me foi dado. Sou incapaz de viver no momento, a consciência constante de que a vida está a passar, o tick tack do relógio, o tempo a chegar ao fim. Uma pressão tão grande para fazer algo significativo que bloqueia todas as tentativas possíveis, que esgota qualquer motivação.

Acredito em segundas oportunidades, acredito que as pessoas são mais do que os erros que cometem, e mesmo assim não me perdoo nada. Atinjo níveis mínimos de autoconfiança, acredito que praticamente toda a gente pode ser melhor que eu seja no que for, e mesmo assim exijo de mim o que não exijo de mais ninguém.

Tenho pouca esperança, mas sonhos grandes. Sinto-me sem importância, mas desejo mudar o mundo. As minhas escolhas de vida podem parecer corajosas, mas a realidade é que vivo num medo constante. Medo de tudo e de nada. Um medo de falhar quase tão grande como o medo de desperdiçar a minha vida por não me ter esforçado o suficiente.

Escrevo para tentar explicar o que me rodeia, quando a maior parte do tempo não tenho certeza de sequer me perceber a mim mesma. 

Coragem/Courage

Note: English version below

"A coragem nem sempre grita, nem sempre ruge! Às vezes apenas sussurra no fim do dia: vamos tentar" (Miguel Falabella)

Vamos rir tudo o que não riram e partilhar os sorrisos que já não nos podem alegrar.

Vamos espalhar a bondade que nos transmitiram e viver os sonhos que não tiveram tempo de concluir.

Vamos contagiar o mundo com a sua disponibilidade e propagar a sua generosidade.

Vamos continuar o legado que deixaram para trás e converter a tragédia em algo de bom.

Vamos disseminar as lições que nos ensinaram e abraçar aqueles que já não os podem abraçar.

Vamos unir as nossas forças e ser a família que quereriam que fossemos.

Vamos estender a sua marca no mundo para que nada tenha sido em vão.

Vamos celebrar quem foram e como conhecê-los faz de nós quem somos.

Vamos ficar orgulhosos pela integridade que sempre mostraram e deixar que o seu exemplo nos guie.

Para que juntos sejamos inspirados pelas suas vidas em vez de amargurados pelas suas mortes.

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"Courage doesn’t always scream, it does not always roar! Sometimes it just whispers at the end of the day: let's try" (Miguel Falabella)

Let us laugh all they couldn’t and share the smiles they can’t offer us anymore.

Let us spread the kindness they conveyed and live the dreams they didn’t have time to complete.

Let us infect the world with their humanity and spread their generosity.

Let us continue the legacy they left behind and convert tragedy in something good.

Let us disseminate the lessons they taught us and hug those who can’t hug them anymore.

Let us join our forces and be the family they would want us to be.

Let us expand their footprint in the world so nothing was in vain.

Let us celebrate who they were and how knowing them made us who we are.

Let us be proud of the integrity they’ve shown and lead by their example wherever we go.

Let us be inspired by their lives rather than embittered by their deaths.

Para Sempre - Parte II

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

When a person dies we usually hear people complain about how sudden and unexpected it all happened, but truth is anticipation doesn’t make it any better. There’s an undeniable blow that strikes you in the gut when you lose someone without a warning, but sensing  death creeping over, having its weight linger on every moment, feeling the pressure of not knowing if the last time you lay eyes on someone will be the last, it’s an extremely heavy burden to carry too.

They say death always comes in threes, I don’t know why, but truth is that’s what happened last time… as if one wasn’t bad enough. That day changed everything… and since then, that fear is here, in the back on my mind, all the time. It weighs on my decisions, even if no-one sees it, because I still remember 10 years ago how I wasted what I didn’t know would be our last time together.

And now we’re here, and the situation couldn’t be more different, because you have known for a while, you have fought, you have survived, you had your share of miracles… and yet it’s impossible not to go back there… I don’t know what it is… if it’s the obvious fact of both of you being such huge part of the group you belonged too, if it’s the fact that you both have these big, supportive families, if it’s because I remember the times she took me on holidays and you’d come visit…

A few months ago, with my family, I stood next to yours, as we watched what those close to you feared was your last concert. You were having a good day, you seemed to be enjoying yourself, it was a good concert and I was so glad I had travelled all those miles to have one more chance to see you all together one last time, to appreciate what I know will never feel the same again (it was never the same after she was gone either). I stood there, our families together, all rooting for you,  happy you could do what you loved at least one more time, and as much as I tried to stay in the moment I kept going back to that concert 10 years ago… the first I watched after she was gone… and now, all I could think is… I don’t believe in afterlife, but if it does exist, it comforts me to know that at least now she won’t be alone, that she’ll have her good friend by her side. 

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Quando alguém morre, todos se queixam de como estas coisas acontecem sempre de forma súbita e imprevisível, mas a verdade é que a antecipação não torna nada menos doloroso.

É um choque imenso perder alguém de forma inesperada, mas sentir o peso da morte a cada momento, sentir a pressão de não saber se a última vez que vemos alguém será a última, não é um fardo menos pesado.

Dizem que a morte vem em marés de três, não sei porquê, mas a verdade é que foi isso que aconteceu da última vez... como se uma não fosse suficiente. Naquele dia tudo mudou... e desde então esse medo vive cá dentro, sempre nos meus pensamentos, a toda a hora. Influencia as minhas decisões, mesmo que ninguém se aperceba, porque ainda me lembro de como há 10 anos atrás desperdicei o que não sabia ser a última vez que a via...

E agora aqui estamos novamente. As situações não podiam ser mais diferentes, porque tu já sabias há algum tempo, tu lutaste, tu sobreviveste, tu tiveste os teus milagres... e ainda assim, é impossível não ser transportada para o que aconteceu há 10 anos... não sei o que é... se o facto óbvio de ambos serem partes ENORMES da banda a que pertenciam, se é o facto de ambos terem grandes famílias que vos acompanhavam, se é por me lembrar de todas as vezes que ela me levou de férias e tu nos visitavas...

Há alguns meses atrás, com a minha família, fiquei junto da tua enquanto te víamos actuar naquele que os mais próximos de ti temiam ser o teu último concerto. Estavas a ter um bom dia, parecias estar a divertir-te, foi um bom concerto e estava tão contente por ter feito todos aqueles kilometros para ter a oportunidade de te poder ver pelo menos mais uma vez., para apreciar o que sei que nunca mais será igual (nunca mais foi igual depois dela também...). Ali fiquei, as nossas famílias juntas, todos a torcer por ti, contentes por estares a fazer o que gostavas pelo menos mais uma vez, e por mais que tentasse aproveitar o momento, só conseguia pensar naquele concerto há 10 anos atrás... o primeiro que vi depois da sua morte... e agora, tudo o que consigo pensar é... não acredito na vida depois da morte, mas se isso existir, conforta-me saber que pelo menos agora ela não estará sozinha, que terá o seu grande amigo ao seu lado.

To us

2009

Just when I had lost all hope you entered my life.

I had reached rock bottom, so for once there was no fear, for once there was nothing holding me back.

Our eyes met for the very first time for a moment, despite your attempts to hide. In a matter of minutes we were all over each other.

We didn’t noticed until it was too late… we were in each other’s hearts.

2012

Things couldn’t be more different this time… There was fear, oh god, there was fear!

I was in a better place, I had the memories, but I also had so much more to lose this time around.

My palms were sweaty, my breath uneven. My smile was showing, but inside my guts were turned.

We were both unsure as we took our first steps, then you took a long glance at me and finally said… I remember you!

Relief washed over both of us as we fell in each other’s arms.

2013

This time everything was easier, little time had gone by.

I had butterflies in my stomach, but I was excited.

I came, we saw, we conquered. The world was ours!

At least until it was time to say goodbye…

2017

Now 4 years had passed. Time had stretched too much.

I was dreaming for the moment I laid eyes on you, and yet there was so much holding me back… I didn’t want to face reality, I didn’t want to burst the bubble.

I kept forcing myself to keep my hopes down. I had once again abandoned you. Half your life had passed without me in it… What could I expect?

I braced myself for rejection as I took the final step and open the door. Before my bum could even reach the car seat I heard your voices echoing my name in a constant and so welcomed melody. I felt home.

We fell so easily into our world, it was hard to believe we had ever been apart.

But there was a new sense of urgency now. More than ever, the awareness that our time was limited. We drank each other desperately, spending every single moment together, unwilling to waste any time. Every single day we were haunted by the clock ticking down. Every hug, every kiss, every touch treasured as it was out last.

The worst part is not walking away, is doing so without ever knowing if or when I will see you again. The worst is wonder if I'll ever feel such sense of gratification. The worst is wonder if I'll ever feel as much at home as I feel when we're together. The worst is wonder if I’ll ever be able to do something as right!

Happy birthday munchkins!

Lachesism

I once read about something called lachesism. They described it as the “desire to be struck by disaster – to survive a plane crash, or to lose everything in a fire – anything that would put a kink in the smooth arc of your life and forge it into something hardened and flexible and sharp, not just a stiff prefabricated beam that barely covers the gap between one end of your life and the other”.  And as I read it, word by word, I realised I’ve been experiencing it for years…

I broke my left wrist when I was 9. When I finally got home from the hospital I remember asking my mother if dreaming about something could make it real. The reason I asked, is because I would often daydream about being hit by a car, and even thought that was not how I got hurt, I wondered, if in a twisted way the universe was hitting me back.  

Looking back to other dreams I created as years went on I realised facing disaster was a common topic. Granted those dreams always involved saving someone and a happy ending, but nevertheless…

There were the occasionally lightweight happy dreams, but they never lasted long, it was almost like the darkness soothed me. I think part of it came from wanting to justify the darkness that always been inside me. Wanting, needing a reason for it.  I’m often ruled by very dark moods that come out of nowhere, waves of anger and panic and utter sadness that come for no reason. I feel them creeping in and yet I do nothing to stop them, sometimes I even feed them, because I’m subdued by this overwhelming need to feel utterly sad. Overtime I’ve learned to dig myself out of that whole, I don’t allow myself to stay longer anymore, but for some reason, I still go there…

Lachesism, this desire to be struck by disaster, doesn’t come only from the need to have a reason for sadness though. Maybe more than anything it comes from the desperate need to feel something, anything at all because even worse than feeling sad is to feel nothing, to feel numb. To feel so empty inside that good or bad you just hope something happens that makes you feel alive. 

Lucky 8

8 years ago, on this very day, I was a couple hours away of changing my life forever…

As I sat in my bed, after what was supposed to be a surprise farewell party, luggage ready to go, I just waited for the moment to finally arrive.

I was ready, no, I was eager! I was so eager to leave that I could barely feel guilty for leaving everyone behind…

I guess you are supposed to have mix feelings. Wanting to go, but not wanting to leave… specially me, being such a family person… but I didn’t. Not even when my little sister asked me to stay, not even when my dear friend begged me not to go…

I felt so trapped (I had been for longer than I cared to admit) that I just had to get away. I had lost hope, I had lost purpose, I was lonely, despite being surrounded by people, I felt like a failure even though I had completed my life plan so far, most of all, I felt empty… I was on the verge of breaking, I just couldn’t breathe anymore, an escape route, any escape route, couldn’t come soon enough… And so, in an very unlikely selfish version of me, I just didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings.

I guess you are also supposed to be scared, unsure… specially me, who was always afraid of making the wrong move… but I wasn’t. Not even when it took longer than expected for things to happen, not even when my family questioned my plan… It was odd to be that certain, it was so uncharacteristic of me… I didn’t even recognize myself, I didn’t know who that girl was, ignoring everyone and just following her heart, it was just so unlike me.

What was even stranger was how calm I was… I remember during the whole process, the packing, the goodbyes, the flight to NYC, the training, the flight to Boston, the car ride… I remember thinking “it’s going to hit me at some point… At some point I will freak out”. I mean I know me, most people don’t believe me, but I’m in constant panic mode, I live in constant fear - fear of failing, fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointing others, fear of hurting people, the list goes on and on… so my demeanour just didn’t make sense. I waited and waited, I crossed the ocean and different states, but the panic, the regret, they never came!

In hindsight now I see that more than anything I was running. What I didn’t realise is that you can’t run from things that are inside yourself. You can change the people around you, you can change the scenario, but nothing will change unless you do. So maybe I took on this journey for all the wrong reasons, maybe unconsciously I jumped in on this adventure with selfish goals, but regardless… it worked!

Going away was no magic solution, though at that time I hoped it would be. Being in a new country didn’t suddenly brighten my mind or healed myself, but the whole experience did change everything!

I’m good at doing what I HAVE to do, and that’s what it was all about… being abroad, alone, away from my comfort zone, meant I didn’t have a place to hide.  I couldn’t hide myself in my bubble anymore. I had to challenge myself every single day. It also meant that nobody knew me, that there were no expectations to be reached, I could be whatever I wanted to be. That sense of freedom, was something I didn’t realise I was craving until then.

It doesn’t mean that I went completely 180º, we are who we are for a lot of reasons and my core didn’t change, but having that freedom to become whoever I wanted to be allowed me to try different things and discover new sides of me I had yet to explore.

I spend a lot of time alone during that year. I’d spent all my days alone with the twins (who could barely talk) and on my time off I backpacked around alone too, but somehow I didn’t feel as lonely as before. The kids and I had such an unique connection that until today I can’t explain. It was so natural, from the very beginning, we had such a strong bond… Maybe it was because I knew it was all going to be taken away from me one day, but I remember thinking that I never knew I could love someone that much, to the point that it hurt, not until I met them. When we were alone we were in our own world, nobody could touch us, nobody could burst our bubble, and I never felt lonely there.

Then came the traveling… I had never even considered traveling on my own before, but being away for a whole year and not taking on the opportunity for lack of company seemed ridiculous. So I laid out my plan and off I went on my own, and surprisingly enough, despite being alone, for once loneliness was not my companion. My head was in a better place, so being alone with myself wasn’t scary anymore. There was a new joy inside me, in all fairness because everything was new, so being with my own thoughts for once was enjoyable.

People often ask me if I met a lot of people during my year abroad and the answer is no. I met some people, I got much closer to other people (some that were with me, some that I left in Portugal), but no, I didn’t meet a lot of people… but I met 2 tiny people that changed my life forever and maybe even more important, I met myself, in a light I had never before.

I came back a different person. I don’t know how visible that is to others, because I live behind a mask, but I see it, I feel it. At first I thought it was just the emotion talking. That maybe time would make everything seem a little less important, as it usually does, but every year I look back and every year I’m more certain that that won’t happen, because what I went through, what I experienced during my year in the USA was in fact important, to a degree that can never be ignored. So if there’s one lesson that I’ve learned from all of it, is that sometimes you have to shut everyone else’s opinions out and just do what you have to do.

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Há 8 anos, exactamente neste dia, estava a algumas horas de dar o passo que mudaria a minha vida para sempre.

Sentada na cama, depois de uma festa de despedida (supostamente) surpresa, malas prontas, esperei que o momento finalmente chegasse.

Estava pronta, não, estava ansiosa! Estava tão ansiosa para partir que quase não sentia culpa por deixar todos para trás...

Presumo que seja normal ter sentimentos contraditórios nestes momentos. Querer ir, mas não querer partir... principalmente alguém como eu tão ligada à família... mas não os tinha. Nem mesmo quando a minha irmã me pediu que ficasse, nem mesmo quando a minha grande amiga me implorou que não fosse...

Sentia-me tão presa (algo que sentia há mais tempo do que me permitia admitir) que tinha simplesmente de fugir. Tinha perdido a esperança, tinha perdido o propósito, sentia-me só apesar de estar constantemente rodeada de pessoas, sentia-me um fracasso apesar de ter seguido com sucesso e à risca o plano que havia traçado para a minha vida, mas acima de tudo, sentia-me vazia... Estava à beira de um surto, já não conseguia respirar, uma escapatória, qualquer que fosse, era bem-vinda... E assim, numa versão egoísta muito rara em mim, decidi ignorar todas as vozes à minha volta.

Presumo que seja normal ter alguns receios, inseguranças... principalmente alguém como eu, sempre com medo de dar um passo em falso... mas não tinha. Nem mesmo quando as coisas demoraram mais tempo que o esperado para dar certo, nem mesmo quando a minha família questionou os meus planos... Era bizarro sentir-me tão certa, tão insólito para mim... Não me reconhecia, não sabia quem era aquela pessoa capaz de ignorar tudo e todos e simplesmente seguir o seu coração, tudo isso era tão anormal em mim.

Mais estranho ainda era a tranquilidade que sentia... Lembro-me, durante todo o processo – fazer as malas, as despedidas, o voo para Nova Iorque, a formação, o voo para Boston, a viagem de carro... Lembro-me de pensar “a qualquer momento a ficha vai cair... a qualquer momento vou entrar em pânico”. Afinal de contas, eu conheço-me, a maioria das pessoas não acredita, mas eu vivo em modo de pânico constante, vivo em constante medo – medo de falhar, medo de cometer erros, medo de desiludir os outros, medo de magoar alguém, a lista continua... por isso o meu comportamento simplesmente não fazia sentido. Esperei e esperei, atravessei o oceano e diferentes estados sempre à espera que esse momento chegasse, mas o pânico e o arrependimento, nunca chegaram!

Em retrospectiva agora vejo que mais do que tudo, estava a fugir. O que não percebia na altura é que não podemos fugir daquilo que está dentro de nós. Mudam as pessoas que nos rodeiam, muda o cenário, mas nada vai mudar, se nós não mudarmos. Por isso, olhando para trás, talvez tenha embarcado nesta viagem pelas razões erradas, talvez, de forma inconsciente tenha agarrado esta aventura por motivos egoístas, mas independentemente disso... resultou!

Sou boa a fazer o que TENHO de fazer, e era disso que se tratava... viver no estrangeiro, sozinha, longe da minha zona de conforto significava que não tinha onde me esconder. Já não podia ficar na minha bolha. Todos os dias eram um desafio. Mas a verdade é que estar longe também significava que ninguém me conhecia, que não havia expectativas a atingir, que podia ser qualquer coisa, o que eu quisesse. Esse sentimento de liberdade era algo que até então não sabia que ansiava.

Não é que tenha dado uma volta de 180º. Somos o que somos por muitas razões, e o meu cerne não mudou, mas ter a liberdade para me tornar no que quisesse permitiu-me experimentar coisas novas e descobrir facetas minhas que até então não tinha explorado.

Passei muito tempo sozinha durante esse ano. Passava o dia sozinha com os gémeos (que mal sabiam falar) e nos meus tempos livres viajava também sozinha pelas diferentes cidades e estados. Ainda assim não me sentia só como antes. Eu e os miúdos tínhamos uma ligação tão única que até hoje não sei explicar. Era tão genuína, desde o primeiro momento, os laços que criámos eram tão fortes... Não sei se por saber que um dia ia ter de deixar tudo para trás, mas lembro-me de pensar que não sabia ser possível amar tanto assim alguém, ao ponto de doer, até os conhecer. Quando estávamos sozinhos estávamos no nosso mundo, ninguém nos podia tocar, era a nossa bolha mágica, e lá, nunca me sentia só.

Depois havia as viagens... nunca tinha sequer posto a hipótese de viajar sozinha, mas estar longe um ano inteiro e desperdiçar a oportunidade por falta de companhia parecia-me ridículo. Assim, fiz o meu plano e atirei-me à aventura e, surpreendentemente, apesar de estar sozinha, a solidão não era minha companheira. A minha cabeça já não estava no buraco negro de outrora por isso estar sozinha comigo mesma já não era assustador. Havia uma nova alegria dentro de mim, também por ser tudo novidade é um facto, mas isso fazia com que estar sozinha com os meus pensamentos fosse finalmente algo agradável.

Perguntam-me muitas vezes se conheci muita gente durante o ano que estive fora, e a resposta é não. Conheci algumas pessoas, fiquei mais próxima de outras (algumas que estavam comigo, outras que ficaram em Portugal), mas não, não conheci muitas pessoas... Mas conheci 2 pequenas pessoas que mudaram a minha vida para sempre, e mais importante ainda, conheci-me a mim mesma, de uma maneira que nunca antes tinha feito.

Voltei uma pessoa diferente. Não sei se isso é visível para os outros, porque vivo escondida atrás da máscara, mas eu vejo-o, eu sinto-o. Ao início pensei que talvez fosse apenas a emoção a falar. Que talvez o tempo fizesse tudo parecer um pouco menos importante, como normalmente acontece, mas ano após ano olho para trás e com cada ano que passa fico mais certa que isso não vai acontecer. Porque o que eu passei, o que eu vivi durante o meu ano nos EUA foi de facto importante, a um nível que não é possível ignorar. Por isso se houve uma lição que aprendo com tudo isto é que às vezes é mesmo preciso ignorar a opinião de toda a gente e fazer o que temos de fazer.  

"I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop?"*

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

There aren’t treasure hunts in the morning to find birthday gifts anymore, there aren’t cakes or beautiful crafted invitations, there aren’t big parties with spontaneous (however reoccurring) sleepovers, there isn’t an arc full of dress up clothes in the attic nor embarrassing videos to later laugh about. There aren’t expectations about what skills I will suddenly develop overnight (like when my cousin Miriam promised me I would be able to whistle once I turned 6… biggest disappointment of my life on that early morning of 1993).

A lot has changed since those times when we waited anxiously for the digits to become higher and higher, believing that reaching them would magically make us stronger, wiser, better…

The mystic of birthdays and magic numbers becomes clouded with the arrival of the teenage years. When the once happy, carefree, naïve kid realises there are too many shades of grey in a world she believed was black and white.

It is only natural that as we grow older, it becomes harder to just believe. We become so much more 
aware of ourselves and the world around us that as much as we’d like to go back to the fairytale land we just can’t.

For a while you lose faith, you feel betrayed, not sure by whom, perhaps the whole society that led you to believe the world was always a nice place to be in. You blame those who told you that all you had to do was your best and things would turn out alright, you curse at yourself for being so naïve. Frustration eventually takes over when you realize that trying hard, doing your best, isn’t always enough, when you realize life isn’t fair and perfect people don’t exist. The world tells you that it’s just a phase, that things will get better, that YOU will get better, but waiting for things to change seems such a waste of time!

Until one day you realize that life may get different, but it doesn’t get easier… and somehow that realization frees you, because you realize you don’t have to wait for it to get better, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and live to the best of your abilities. It’s empowering really, because it means YOU are in charge. You don’t need to wait for some predesigned plan to fall into place, You make the plan and YOU remake it as many times as you need until it fits YOU and YOUR life. You take ownership of your own destiny, and it makes you stop running from yourself and your feelings, it makes you stop with the excuses…  Because yes, there are things you can’t control, big, terrible, unfair things you can’t control, but life is so much more than that.

You learn to pick your fights. Not just the world, but with yourself. You reexamine your weaknesses and turn them into strengths. You discover that you can speak softly and still be heard and more importantly you learn to respect and appreciate yourself. A new found peacefulness is discovered, a sense of tranquility that allows you to find your voice, and use it in YOUR own way.

I’ve always have this fear that one day people are going to discover that I'm not as great as they once thought I was, and I’d be lying if I said that was gone. The difference is that it used to consume me, but over time I’ve realized I can’t beat it, I can’t push it away, what I can do is let it drive me to become a better person instead of dragging me back.

And this takes us back to the beginning…

There aren’t huge gatherings of people anymore, nor parties that take longer to plan than the actual event, but what there’s still is is loads of love going around!

Birthdays mean whatever we want them to mean. For some people it’s a time to reflect and make decisions about the future, for others it’s simply about enjoying the moment, some suffer when the numbers start to pile on, others proudly flaunt the experiences they’ve gathered through time… for me birthdays are a nice excuse to take a moment out of our busy lives to appreciate the people we care about.

Albert Pike said “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal” so for me, more than my perception of what I’ve achieved or not I trust on this proclamations of love and friendship to assess what I’m doing with my life. And the feedback is overwhelming. When the love comes from every corner of the world (Poland, USA, Slovakia, UK, Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Philippines, Brazil, Ireland... just to name a few) you got to think you must be doing something right!

So I guess it doesn’t matter how big the numbers are, how many of your wild dreams you’re yet to achieve or how far you are from the life you once thought you would live… what matters is the journey and the lives you’ve touched along the way…. And from where I’m standing it’s looking pretty damn good, so let’s keep them coming!

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“Parece que somos adultos. A questão é, quando é que isso aconteceu e como é que o paramos?”*

Já não há caças ao tesouro de madrugada para procurar os presentes. Já não há bolos de aniversário ou convites feitos à mão. Já não há grandes festas que acabam invariavelmente num molho de gente a dormir no chão. Já não há uma arca de fantasias nem vídeos embaraçosos para mais tarde recordar. Já não há a antecipação de descobrir que “talentos” vamos desenvolver subitamente por ficarmos um ano mais velhos (como quando a minha prima Miriam me disse que quando fizesse 6 anos ia aprender a assobiar... maior desilusão da minha vida essa manhã de 1993). 

Muita coisa mudou desde os tempos em que esperávamos ansiosamente para que os números ficassem cada vez maiores, acreditando que alcançá-los nos tornaria magicamente mais crescidos, espertos, melhores... 

A mística que envolvia os aniversários e a magia dos números começou a desvanecer-se com a chegada da adolescência. Quando a criança outrora inocente e feliz se apercebe que há mais tons no mundo para além do preto e branco. 

É natural, que há medida que crescemos se torne mais difícil de acreditar. Tornamo-nos mais conscientes de nós mesmos e do mundo há nossa volta e por mais que queiramos não conseguimos voltar para a terra dos contos de fadas. 

Por momentos perdes a fé, sentes-te atraiçoado, não sabes bem por quem, talvez pela sociedade no geral, que te levou a acreditar que o mundo era sempre um sítio bom. Culpas aqueles que te disseram que tudo que tinhas de fazer era dar o teu melhor e tudo correria bem, chateias-te contigo mesmo por teres sido tão ingénuo. A frustração acaba por vir ao de cima quando te apercebes que a vida não é justa e que não existem pessoas perfeitas. O mundo diste que tudo não passa de uma fase, que tudo vai ficar bem, que TU vais ficar bem, mas esperar que as coisas mudem parece uma perca de tempo tão grande! 

Até que um dia chegas à conclusão que a vida pode mudar, mas não vai ficar mais fácil... eestranhamente essa conclusão liberta-te, porque percebes que não tens de continuar à espera que a vida melhore, que tens simplesmente de por um pé em frente ao outro e viver o melhor que podes. É refrescante na verdade, porque significa que tu estás no comando! Que não tens de esperar para que um plano divino se concretize, és TU quem faz o plano, e podes refazê-lo quantas vezes sejam precisas para que se adeqúe a ti e à tua vida. Tomas controlo do teu destino, e isso faz com que tenhas de parar de fugir de ti mesmo e dos teus sentimentos, obriga-te a por um fim às desculpas... Porque sim, há coisas que não podes controlar, coisas grandes, terríveis e injustas que não podes controlar, mas a vida é muito mais do que isso. 

Aprendes a escolher as tuas lutas. Não apenas com o mundo, mas contigo mesmo. Reexaminas os teus pontos fracos e transforma-los em pontos forte. Descobres que para ser ouvido não é preciso gritar e mais importante, aprendes a respeitar-te a ti mesmo. Uma paz interior é descoberta, uma sensação de tranquilidade que te ajuda a encontrar a TUA voz, e a usá-la à TUA maneira. 

Sempre tive medo que um dia as pessoas descubram que não sou tão especial como um dia pensaram ser, estaria a mentir se dissesse que venci esse medo. A diferença é que esse pensamento me costumava consumir, com o tempo percebi que não consigo vencê-lo, o que posso fazer é usá-lo como motivação para me tornar uma pessoa melhor, em vez de o deixar limitar-me. 

E isso traz-nos de volta ao início... 

Já não há ajuntamentos enormes de pessoas, ou festas que demoram mais tempo a planear do que a festa propriamente dita, o que há ainda é muito amor! 

Os aniversários significam aquilo que nós quisermos que signifiquem. Para algumas pessoas é um momento de reflexão e de fazer decisões sobre o futuro, para outras servem simplesmente para aproveitar o momento, alguns sofrem ao ver os números a crescer, outros exibem orgulhosamente as experiências vividas ao longo dos anos... para mim os aniversários são desculpas para tirarmos um momento das nossas vidas ocupadas para darmos valor às pessoas que nos rodeiam e de quem gostamos. 

O Albert Pike disse “o que fazemos por nós morre connosco. O que fazemos pelos outros e pelo mundo fica e é imortal”, por isso para mim, mais do que a minha percepção sobre o que atingi ou não, gosto de usar estes momentos e estas declarações de amizade e carinho para perceber realmente o que tenho andado a fazer com a minha vida. E o feedback tem sido fantástico! Quando o carinho vem de todos os cantos do mundo (Polónia, EUA, Eslováquia, Reino Unido, Moçambique, Sri Lanka, Filipinas, Brasil, Irlanda... apenas para dizer alguns) pensas, devo estar a fazer alguma coisa certa!

Por isso, acho que não interessa se os números são grandes ou pequenos, quantos sonhos extravagantes ainda estão por atingir ou como estás longe da vida que sempre pensaste ter... o que interessa é a viagem e as vidas que tocas pelo caminho... E daqui de onde estou, a vista é óptima, por isso que venham muitos mais!

*(Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey In Grey’s Anatomy s01e05)

Here I go

Here I go again to a place where I’ve been so happy, a place that overwhelmed me with challenges and made me grow more than I could have ever imagined.

Here I go back to the place where I dared to run to despite everyone’s advices, where I learned to trust my instincts.

Here I go again to the place where my heart was stolen by two little innocent souls, where I discovered the meaning of endless love.

Here I go back to where I lived the best experience of my life,  a place that made me cry and laugh, and allowed me to discover my true self.

Here I go again to the only busy, crowded place that somehow brings me peace, where I found my passion for theatre and the art of absorbing your surroundings.

Here I go back to where I discovered that misfortunes can result in lifetime friendships, where I learned that traveling isn’t about locations, but about people.  

Here I go again to the place that became my second home, where despite the distance never feels awkward.

Here I go back to a where I’ve been so many times before, a place I know I’ll fall in love with all over again.

Here I go again to a place where I can be inspired, where I’ll surround myself with people that have their hearts in the right place, that care, that believe and that make me believe we can change the world.

Here I go back to where I know I can’t stay. A place I wish I could fit in my luggage and bring home with me. 

Next year

Every year I think, “Maybe next year it will be different, maybe next year I’ll finally forget”, but eventually May rolls in, quickly followed by June, and little by little the darkness starts to crawl back out. A constant reminder hovering over my head about how ephemeral and meaningless life is.

It’s not like I want to forget her, not even close, I just don’t want to be reminded of that day. The day everything changed.

Every year I think it will be the last time I’ll write about it, that I finally used up all the words to try to make sense of what doesn’t make sense at all, apparently I am wrong…

Big little lies

It is said that a friend is someone with whom one can be sincere, have no secrets, show their true self. But trusting is hard, risking exposure with no knowledge of what consequences that will bring is often a reality too frightening to handle.

Despite what we like to believe, we never know anyone 100%. Everyone has their secrets, their dark places where they're drawn to sometimes, a sense of overwhelming loneliness that strikes them from times to times. People pretend well, quite often we live in constant denial, and we go through life side by side with people we care about more than we can ever show, and at the same time we know so little about each other, about what really matters, about the demons that keep them awake at night. I think that was what shocked me the most as I grew up, the realization that people are so much more than what we see beneath the surface, that we are all so much deeper and complex than we pretend to be, how oblivious we can be to someone’s struggles and pain.

We all have secrets, deep dark thoughts we don’t share, fears we don’t want to admit. It’s human nature, to protect ourselves and the things we love, so whether because we don’t want to worry people, because we feel no-one can possibly understand us, because we’re ashamed, afraid, or simply due to an utter inability to open up, we clamp up and we go on with our lives, day after day, with a smile in our face that disguises the agony that we face inside.

Everyone has stories they never tell, and a lot of times they're kept hidden not because they don't trust the ones around them, but because they don't trust themselves. Fear is a force that drives us more than we realize, and the fear of letting people down or being hurt is often behind the reason we keep our secrets so well hidden. And yes, friends should be the ones you trust to support you no matter what, but this fear of disappointment doesn’t usually come from having friends that don't love us enough to accept us, it comes from the fact that we don't  love ourselves enough to believe we are worthy of their love despite our flaws.

We are the ones blocking the trust, we avoid exposure because we see vulnerability as a weakness, thought the reality is that it takes an unmeasurable amount of courage to be comfortable in that place. 

You always have a choice... Choose right!

I was always naïve. I was that cliché little girl who believed she could save the world and make a difference, and though life as made a point of teaching me there are things we can’t control and lives we cannot change, deep inside that will has never faded.

There have been times I wished I could care less about things, but then again we can’t let the circumstances of life harden us to the point we stop caring, or else what would keep us going?

I like to think that have grown a lot, that I’m not the little girl who believed in fairy tales anymore, but I think a lot of people still seem me has a naïve young woman who mistakenly believes she can make a difference, who still hasn’t  understood her insignificance in this world. And maybe that’s where I’ve grown the most, because there was a time I’d let their lack of faith shake me up, that I’d wonder if time would make me that sceptical too, but now I know it’s up to you to keep paving that path. It’s not always easy, you will fall and fail a thousand times, but you always have a choice. You can choose to quit or you can choose to try harder. You can’t blame it on people, as if the actions of a few could dictate how you act towards all the others. It’s your choice if you will let failure prevent you to reach out for someone else.

Life is unpredictable. Challenges thrown at us constantly - at work, at home, inside ourselves... It’s easy to become slouchy, grumpy, to stop trying, to become averse to change and whatever falls out of norm. It’s easier to become that person that shuts down everything that’s new, everyone who’s different. It’s easier to settle for the minimum and avoid raising the bar. It’s easier to clamp up and think only about oneself. It’s easier to become selfish… But just because it’s easier, it doesn’t mean that’s the way to go.

You have a choice to look on the bright side, to focus on the positive outcomes that might come with the challenges. You have a choice to put the extra work, walk that extra mile, even if it doesn’t always seem fair, even if the road gets lonely at times. You have a choice to be positive, even if it means swimming against the tides of doubt, fear and ignorance that surround you. You have a choice to keep trying no matter how many times you fail, because it’s not about being perfect, it’s about making an effort.

You have a choice to make your stand and walk tall, even if that means standing alone…

We have a choice and we have the responsibility to look out for each other, even if it was not in the plans, even if we’re not sure how it will all turn out in the end.

I don’t believe in higher powers, but I believe in free will. I believe we are the result of the choices we make, not just in life changing moments, but in all the little ones, the ones that truly count. So you do what you have to do. You stand up for what you believe regardless the consequences, and you don’t let life that away your humanity.  

If you do that at some point you will believe you can make a difference. Because you can, because you do, even if it’s one life at the time, even if the life you’re changing is your own. They’ll keep telling you that it’s not worth it, that you can’t help them all, but it’s all about that 1% you can.

There’s so much evil in this world we can’t control, but if we would make an effort to change the little things we do, to care about the next one, to open up to something new, to walk a mile in someone shoes, to offer them something as little as a genuine smile, so much pain would be taken away… and that’s not about being a good person, it’s about being human!

You should never underestimate the power your actions can have on someone, so let them doubt all they want, I’ll believe for both us.

N° 2 Sexuality

Nº 2

Hi. As you may know, I made one of these little paragraph texts a while ago and I wanted to make one again. But this time touching a different subject. This time it's about sexuality. Yes I'm going there. One of the most touched, but non-explained subjects in this partly judgmental world.
First of all, I know I shouldn't be doing this.
I mean, I'm 12 years old, I haven't explored my sexuality yet and I don't intend to yet anyway , but I know that whoever has would be sure about it right? Like I said, I don't know. All I know is that just like any other subject, it should not be touched before it's explained. So now that my acknowledgement of this subject has been made, we can get on to MY opinion and my side towards it.

The types
So we all think we know the different sexualities, and their boundaries, so let's start with basic math.

LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 = Lesbian, Gay, Bi (sexual), Trans (gender), and Queer Community.
L = Lesbian = 👩‍❤️‍👩 = 🚺+ 🚺
G = Gay = 👨‍❤️‍👨 = 🚹 + 🚹
B = Bisexual = 👩‍🎤/👨‍🎤 + 👩+👨
T = Trangender = 🙎🙎‍♂️>🙎/🙎‍♂️
Q = Queer = Different = 🌈👩‍🎤👨‍🎤 or anything they want to physically or emotionally be like.

2. Response Socially

I know that there are many points of view between sexuality and whether it is right or wrong.
Well let me ask something, if any sexuality other than heterosexuality is bad then, for Christians, the bible says that God made every person in his image. If He is that powerful, then he could've made every mind and point of view in His image. Sure the bible says that no man should lay with his neighbour, but it also says God will accept anyone big, small, black, or white.
So if God doesn't like people part of the LGBTQ community, He can come and punish them. But for now only He can judge them so let them live their lives please. It doesn't even matter who they love!!!!

Filipa André