Lucky 8

8 years ago, on this very day, I was a couple hours away of changing my life forever…

As I sat in my bed, after what was supposed to be a surprise farewell party, luggage ready to go, I just waited for the moment to finally arrive.

I was ready, no, I was eager! I was so eager to leave that I could barely feel guilty for leaving everyone behind…

I guess you are supposed to have mix feelings. Wanting to go, but not wanting to leave… specially me, being such a family person… but I didn’t. Not even when my little sister asked me to stay, not even when my dear friend begged me not to go…

I felt so trapped (I had been for longer than I cared to admit) that I just had to get away. I had lost hope, I had lost purpose, I was lonely, despite being surrounded by people, I felt like a failure even though I had completed my life plan so far, most of all, I felt empty… I was on the verge of breaking, I just couldn’t breathe anymore, an escape route, any escape route, couldn’t come soon enough… And so, in an very unlikely selfish version of me, I just didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings.

I guess you are also supposed to be scared, unsure… specially me, who was always afraid of making the wrong move… but I wasn’t. Not even when it took longer than expected for things to happen, not even when my family questioned my plan… It was odd to be that certain, it was so uncharacteristic of me… I didn’t even recognize myself, I didn’t know who that girl was, ignoring everyone and just following her heart, it was just so unlike me.

What was even stranger was how calm I was… I remember during the whole process, the packing, the goodbyes, the flight to NYC, the training, the flight to Boston, the car ride… I remember thinking “it’s going to hit me at some point… At some point I will freak out”. I mean I know me, most people don’t believe me, but I’m in constant panic mode, I live in constant fear - fear of failing, fear of making a mistake, fear of disappointing others, fear of hurting people, the list goes on and on… so my demeanour just didn’t make sense. I waited and waited, I crossed the ocean and different states, but the panic, the regret, they never came!

In hindsight now I see that more than anything I was running. What I didn’t realise is that you can’t run from things that are inside yourself. You can change the people around you, you can change the scenario, but nothing will change unless you do. So maybe I took on this journey for all the wrong reasons, maybe unconsciously I jumped in on this adventure with selfish goals, but regardless… it worked!

Going away was no magic solution, though at that time I hoped it would be. Being in a new country didn’t suddenly brighten my mind or healed myself, but the whole experience did change everything!

I’m good at doing what I HAVE to do, and that’s what it was all about… being abroad, alone, away from my comfort zone, meant I didn’t have a place to hide.  I couldn’t hide myself in my bubble anymore. I had to challenge myself every single day. It also meant that nobody knew me, that there were no expectations to be reached, I could be whatever I wanted to be. That sense of freedom, was something I didn’t realise I was craving until then.

It doesn’t mean that I went completely 180º, we are who we are for a lot of reasons and my core didn’t change, but having that freedom to become whoever I wanted to be allowed me to try different things and discover new sides of me I had yet to explore.

I spend a lot of time alone during that year. I’d spent all my days alone with the twins (who could barely talk) and on my time off I backpacked around alone too, but somehow I didn’t feel as lonely as before. The kids and I had such an unique connection that until today I can’t explain. It was so natural, from the very beginning, we had such a strong bond… Maybe it was because I knew it was all going to be taken away from me one day, but I remember thinking that I never knew I could love someone that much, to the point that it hurt, not until I met them. When we were alone we were in our own world, nobody could touch us, nobody could burst our bubble, and I never felt lonely there.

Then came the traveling… I had never even considered traveling on my own before, but being away for a whole year and not taking on the opportunity for lack of company seemed ridiculous. So I laid out my plan and off I went on my own, and surprisingly enough, despite being alone, for once loneliness was not my companion. My head was in a better place, so being alone with myself wasn’t scary anymore. There was a new joy inside me, in all fairness because everything was new, so being with my own thoughts for once was enjoyable.

People often ask me if I met a lot of people during my year abroad and the answer is no. I met some people, I got much closer to other people (some that were with me, some that I left in Portugal), but no, I didn’t meet a lot of people… but I met 2 tiny people that changed my life forever and maybe even more important, I met myself, in a light I had never before.

I came back a different person. I don’t know how visible that is to others, because I live behind a mask, but I see it, I feel it. At first I thought it was just the emotion talking. That maybe time would make everything seem a little less important, as it usually does, but every year I look back and every year I’m more certain that that won’t happen, because what I went through, what I experienced during my year in the USA was in fact important, to a degree that can never be ignored. So if there’s one lesson that I’ve learned from all of it, is that sometimes you have to shut everyone else’s opinions out and just do what you have to do.

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Há 8 anos, exactamente neste dia, estava a algumas horas de dar o passo que mudaria a minha vida para sempre.

Sentada na cama, depois de uma festa de despedida (supostamente) surpresa, malas prontas, esperei que o momento finalmente chegasse.

Estava pronta, não, estava ansiosa! Estava tão ansiosa para partir que quase não sentia culpa por deixar todos para trás...

Presumo que seja normal ter sentimentos contraditórios nestes momentos. Querer ir, mas não querer partir... principalmente alguém como eu tão ligada à família... mas não os tinha. Nem mesmo quando a minha irmã me pediu que ficasse, nem mesmo quando a minha grande amiga me implorou que não fosse...

Sentia-me tão presa (algo que sentia há mais tempo do que me permitia admitir) que tinha simplesmente de fugir. Tinha perdido a esperança, tinha perdido o propósito, sentia-me só apesar de estar constantemente rodeada de pessoas, sentia-me um fracasso apesar de ter seguido com sucesso e à risca o plano que havia traçado para a minha vida, mas acima de tudo, sentia-me vazia... Estava à beira de um surto, já não conseguia respirar, uma escapatória, qualquer que fosse, era bem-vinda... E assim, numa versão egoísta muito rara em mim, decidi ignorar todas as vozes à minha volta.

Presumo que seja normal ter alguns receios, inseguranças... principalmente alguém como eu, sempre com medo de dar um passo em falso... mas não tinha. Nem mesmo quando as coisas demoraram mais tempo que o esperado para dar certo, nem mesmo quando a minha família questionou os meus planos... Era bizarro sentir-me tão certa, tão insólito para mim... Não me reconhecia, não sabia quem era aquela pessoa capaz de ignorar tudo e todos e simplesmente seguir o seu coração, tudo isso era tão anormal em mim.

Mais estranho ainda era a tranquilidade que sentia... Lembro-me, durante todo o processo – fazer as malas, as despedidas, o voo para Nova Iorque, a formação, o voo para Boston, a viagem de carro... Lembro-me de pensar “a qualquer momento a ficha vai cair... a qualquer momento vou entrar em pânico”. Afinal de contas, eu conheço-me, a maioria das pessoas não acredita, mas eu vivo em modo de pânico constante, vivo em constante medo – medo de falhar, medo de cometer erros, medo de desiludir os outros, medo de magoar alguém, a lista continua... por isso o meu comportamento simplesmente não fazia sentido. Esperei e esperei, atravessei o oceano e diferentes estados sempre à espera que esse momento chegasse, mas o pânico e o arrependimento, nunca chegaram!

Em retrospectiva agora vejo que mais do que tudo, estava a fugir. O que não percebia na altura é que não podemos fugir daquilo que está dentro de nós. Mudam as pessoas que nos rodeiam, muda o cenário, mas nada vai mudar, se nós não mudarmos. Por isso, olhando para trás, talvez tenha embarcado nesta viagem pelas razões erradas, talvez, de forma inconsciente tenha agarrado esta aventura por motivos egoístas, mas independentemente disso... resultou!

Sou boa a fazer o que TENHO de fazer, e era disso que se tratava... viver no estrangeiro, sozinha, longe da minha zona de conforto significava que não tinha onde me esconder. Já não podia ficar na minha bolha. Todos os dias eram um desafio. Mas a verdade é que estar longe também significava que ninguém me conhecia, que não havia expectativas a atingir, que podia ser qualquer coisa, o que eu quisesse. Esse sentimento de liberdade era algo que até então não sabia que ansiava.

Não é que tenha dado uma volta de 180º. Somos o que somos por muitas razões, e o meu cerne não mudou, mas ter a liberdade para me tornar no que quisesse permitiu-me experimentar coisas novas e descobrir facetas minhas que até então não tinha explorado.

Passei muito tempo sozinha durante esse ano. Passava o dia sozinha com os gémeos (que mal sabiam falar) e nos meus tempos livres viajava também sozinha pelas diferentes cidades e estados. Ainda assim não me sentia só como antes. Eu e os miúdos tínhamos uma ligação tão única que até hoje não sei explicar. Era tão genuína, desde o primeiro momento, os laços que criámos eram tão fortes... Não sei se por saber que um dia ia ter de deixar tudo para trás, mas lembro-me de pensar que não sabia ser possível amar tanto assim alguém, ao ponto de doer, até os conhecer. Quando estávamos sozinhos estávamos no nosso mundo, ninguém nos podia tocar, era a nossa bolha mágica, e lá, nunca me sentia só.

Depois havia as viagens... nunca tinha sequer posto a hipótese de viajar sozinha, mas estar longe um ano inteiro e desperdiçar a oportunidade por falta de companhia parecia-me ridículo. Assim, fiz o meu plano e atirei-me à aventura e, surpreendentemente, apesar de estar sozinha, a solidão não era minha companheira. A minha cabeça já não estava no buraco negro de outrora por isso estar sozinha comigo mesma já não era assustador. Havia uma nova alegria dentro de mim, também por ser tudo novidade é um facto, mas isso fazia com que estar sozinha com os meus pensamentos fosse finalmente algo agradável.

Perguntam-me muitas vezes se conheci muita gente durante o ano que estive fora, e a resposta é não. Conheci algumas pessoas, fiquei mais próxima de outras (algumas que estavam comigo, outras que ficaram em Portugal), mas não, não conheci muitas pessoas... Mas conheci 2 pequenas pessoas que mudaram a minha vida para sempre, e mais importante ainda, conheci-me a mim mesma, de uma maneira que nunca antes tinha feito.

Voltei uma pessoa diferente. Não sei se isso é visível para os outros, porque vivo escondida atrás da máscara, mas eu vejo-o, eu sinto-o. Ao início pensei que talvez fosse apenas a emoção a falar. Que talvez o tempo fizesse tudo parecer um pouco menos importante, como normalmente acontece, mas ano após ano olho para trás e com cada ano que passa fico mais certa que isso não vai acontecer. Porque o que eu passei, o que eu vivi durante o meu ano nos EUA foi de facto importante, a um nível que não é possível ignorar. Por isso se houve uma lição que aprendo com tudo isto é que às vezes é mesmo preciso ignorar a opinião de toda a gente e fazer o que temos de fazer.  

"I guess we're adults. The question is, when did that happen, and how do we make it stop?"*

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

There aren’t treasure hunts in the morning to find birthday gifts anymore, there aren’t cakes or beautiful crafted invitations, there aren’t big parties with spontaneous (however reoccurring) sleepovers, there isn’t an arc full of dress up clothes in the attic nor embarrassing videos to later laugh about. There aren’t expectations about what skills I will suddenly develop overnight (like when my cousin Miriam promised me I would be able to whistle once I turned 6… biggest disappointment of my life on that early morning of 1993).

A lot has changed since those times when we waited anxiously for the digits to become higher and higher, believing that reaching them would magically make us stronger, wiser, better…

The mystic of birthdays and magic numbers becomes clouded with the arrival of the teenage years. When the once happy, carefree, naïve kid realises there are too many shades of grey in a world she believed was black and white.

It is only natural that as we grow older, it becomes harder to just believe. We become so much more 
aware of ourselves and the world around us that as much as we’d like to go back to the fairytale land we just can’t.

For a while you lose faith, you feel betrayed, not sure by whom, perhaps the whole society that led you to believe the world was always a nice place to be in. You blame those who told you that all you had to do was your best and things would turn out alright, you curse at yourself for being so naïve. Frustration eventually takes over when you realize that trying hard, doing your best, isn’t always enough, when you realize life isn’t fair and perfect people don’t exist. The world tells you that it’s just a phase, that things will get better, that YOU will get better, but waiting for things to change seems such a waste of time!

Until one day you realize that life may get different, but it doesn’t get easier… and somehow that realization frees you, because you realize you don’t have to wait for it to get better, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and live to the best of your abilities. It’s empowering really, because it means YOU are in charge. You don’t need to wait for some predesigned plan to fall into place, You make the plan and YOU remake it as many times as you need until it fits YOU and YOUR life. You take ownership of your own destiny, and it makes you stop running from yourself and your feelings, it makes you stop with the excuses…  Because yes, there are things you can’t control, big, terrible, unfair things you can’t control, but life is so much more than that.

You learn to pick your fights. Not just the world, but with yourself. You reexamine your weaknesses and turn them into strengths. You discover that you can speak softly and still be heard and more importantly you learn to respect and appreciate yourself. A new found peacefulness is discovered, a sense of tranquility that allows you to find your voice, and use it in YOUR own way.

I’ve always have this fear that one day people are going to discover that I'm not as great as they once thought I was, and I’d be lying if I said that was gone. The difference is that it used to consume me, but over time I’ve realized I can’t beat it, I can’t push it away, what I can do is let it drive me to become a better person instead of dragging me back.

And this takes us back to the beginning…

There aren’t huge gatherings of people anymore, nor parties that take longer to plan than the actual event, but what there’s still is is loads of love going around!

Birthdays mean whatever we want them to mean. For some people it’s a time to reflect and make decisions about the future, for others it’s simply about enjoying the moment, some suffer when the numbers start to pile on, others proudly flaunt the experiences they’ve gathered through time… for me birthdays are a nice excuse to take a moment out of our busy lives to appreciate the people we care about.

Albert Pike said “What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal” so for me, more than my perception of what I’ve achieved or not I trust on this proclamations of love and friendship to assess what I’m doing with my life. And the feedback is overwhelming. When the love comes from every corner of the world (Poland, USA, Slovakia, UK, Mozambique, Sri Lanka, Philippines, Brazil, Ireland... just to name a few) you got to think you must be doing something right!

So I guess it doesn’t matter how big the numbers are, how many of your wild dreams you’re yet to achieve or how far you are from the life you once thought you would live… what matters is the journey and the lives you’ve touched along the way…. And from where I’m standing it’s looking pretty damn good, so let’s keep them coming!

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“Parece que somos adultos. A questão é, quando é que isso aconteceu e como é que o paramos?”*

Já não há caças ao tesouro de madrugada para procurar os presentes. Já não há bolos de aniversário ou convites feitos à mão. Já não há grandes festas que acabam invariavelmente num molho de gente a dormir no chão. Já não há uma arca de fantasias nem vídeos embaraçosos para mais tarde recordar. Já não há a antecipação de descobrir que “talentos” vamos desenvolver subitamente por ficarmos um ano mais velhos (como quando a minha prima Miriam me disse que quando fizesse 6 anos ia aprender a assobiar... maior desilusão da minha vida essa manhã de 1993). 

Muita coisa mudou desde os tempos em que esperávamos ansiosamente para que os números ficassem cada vez maiores, acreditando que alcançá-los nos tornaria magicamente mais crescidos, espertos, melhores... 

A mística que envolvia os aniversários e a magia dos números começou a desvanecer-se com a chegada da adolescência. Quando a criança outrora inocente e feliz se apercebe que há mais tons no mundo para além do preto e branco. 

É natural, que há medida que crescemos se torne mais difícil de acreditar. Tornamo-nos mais conscientes de nós mesmos e do mundo há nossa volta e por mais que queiramos não conseguimos voltar para a terra dos contos de fadas. 

Por momentos perdes a fé, sentes-te atraiçoado, não sabes bem por quem, talvez pela sociedade no geral, que te levou a acreditar que o mundo era sempre um sítio bom. Culpas aqueles que te disseram que tudo que tinhas de fazer era dar o teu melhor e tudo correria bem, chateias-te contigo mesmo por teres sido tão ingénuo. A frustração acaba por vir ao de cima quando te apercebes que a vida não é justa e que não existem pessoas perfeitas. O mundo diste que tudo não passa de uma fase, que tudo vai ficar bem, que TU vais ficar bem, mas esperar que as coisas mudem parece uma perca de tempo tão grande! 

Até que um dia chegas à conclusão que a vida pode mudar, mas não vai ficar mais fácil... eestranhamente essa conclusão liberta-te, porque percebes que não tens de continuar à espera que a vida melhore, que tens simplesmente de por um pé em frente ao outro e viver o melhor que podes. É refrescante na verdade, porque significa que tu estás no comando! Que não tens de esperar para que um plano divino se concretize, és TU quem faz o plano, e podes refazê-lo quantas vezes sejam precisas para que se adeqúe a ti e à tua vida. Tomas controlo do teu destino, e isso faz com que tenhas de parar de fugir de ti mesmo e dos teus sentimentos, obriga-te a por um fim às desculpas... Porque sim, há coisas que não podes controlar, coisas grandes, terríveis e injustas que não podes controlar, mas a vida é muito mais do que isso. 

Aprendes a escolher as tuas lutas. Não apenas com o mundo, mas contigo mesmo. Reexaminas os teus pontos fracos e transforma-los em pontos forte. Descobres que para ser ouvido não é preciso gritar e mais importante, aprendes a respeitar-te a ti mesmo. Uma paz interior é descoberta, uma sensação de tranquilidade que te ajuda a encontrar a TUA voz, e a usá-la à TUA maneira. 

Sempre tive medo que um dia as pessoas descubram que não sou tão especial como um dia pensaram ser, estaria a mentir se dissesse que venci esse medo. A diferença é que esse pensamento me costumava consumir, com o tempo percebi que não consigo vencê-lo, o que posso fazer é usá-lo como motivação para me tornar uma pessoa melhor, em vez de o deixar limitar-me. 

E isso traz-nos de volta ao início... 

Já não há ajuntamentos enormes de pessoas, ou festas que demoram mais tempo a planear do que a festa propriamente dita, o que há ainda é muito amor! 

Os aniversários significam aquilo que nós quisermos que signifiquem. Para algumas pessoas é um momento de reflexão e de fazer decisões sobre o futuro, para outras servem simplesmente para aproveitar o momento, alguns sofrem ao ver os números a crescer, outros exibem orgulhosamente as experiências vividas ao longo dos anos... para mim os aniversários são desculpas para tirarmos um momento das nossas vidas ocupadas para darmos valor às pessoas que nos rodeiam e de quem gostamos. 

O Albert Pike disse “o que fazemos por nós morre connosco. O que fazemos pelos outros e pelo mundo fica e é imortal”, por isso para mim, mais do que a minha percepção sobre o que atingi ou não, gosto de usar estes momentos e estas declarações de amizade e carinho para perceber realmente o que tenho andado a fazer com a minha vida. E o feedback tem sido fantástico! Quando o carinho vem de todos os cantos do mundo (Polónia, EUA, Eslováquia, Reino Unido, Moçambique, Sri Lanka, Filipinas, Brasil, Irlanda... apenas para dizer alguns) pensas, devo estar a fazer alguma coisa certa!

Por isso, acho que não interessa se os números são grandes ou pequenos, quantos sonhos extravagantes ainda estão por atingir ou como estás longe da vida que sempre pensaste ter... o que interessa é a viagem e as vidas que tocas pelo caminho... E daqui de onde estou, a vista é óptima, por isso que venham muitos mais!

*(Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey In Grey’s Anatomy s01e05)

Here I go

Here I go again to a place where I’ve been so happy, a place that overwhelmed me with challenges and made me grow more than I could have ever imagined.

Here I go back to the place where I dared to run to despite everyone’s advices, where I learned to trust my instincts.

Here I go again to the place where my heart was stolen by two little innocent souls, where I discovered the meaning of endless love.

Here I go back to where I lived the best experience of my life,  a place that made me cry and laugh, and allowed me to discover my true self.

Here I go again to the only busy, crowded place that somehow brings me peace, where I found my passion for theatre and the art of absorbing your surroundings.

Here I go back to where I discovered that misfortunes can result in lifetime friendships, where I learned that traveling isn’t about locations, but about people.  

Here I go again to the place that became my second home, where despite the distance never feels awkward.

Here I go back to a where I’ve been so many times before, a place I know I’ll fall in love with all over again.

Here I go again to a place where I can be inspired, where I’ll surround myself with people that have their hearts in the right place, that care, that believe and that make me believe we can change the world.

Here I go back to where I know I can’t stay. A place I wish I could fit in my luggage and bring home with me. 

Next year

Every year I think, “Maybe next year it will be different, maybe next year I’ll finally forget”, but eventually May rolls in, quickly followed by June, and little by little the darkness starts to crawl back out. A constant reminder hovering over my head about how ephemeral and meaningless life is.

It’s not like I want to forget her, not even close, I just don’t want to be reminded of that day. The day everything changed.

Every year I think it will be the last time I’ll write about it, that I finally used up all the words to try to make sense of what doesn’t make sense at all, apparently I am wrong…

Big little lies

It is said that a friend is someone with whom one can be sincere, have no secrets, show their true self. But trusting is hard, risking exposure with no knowledge of what consequences that will bring is often a reality too frightening to handle.

Despite what we like to believe, we never know anyone 100%. Everyone has their secrets, their dark places where they're drawn to sometimes, a sense of overwhelming loneliness that strikes them from times to times. People pretend well, quite often we live in constant denial, and we go through life side by side with people we care about more than we can ever show, and at the same time we know so little about each other, about what really matters, about the demons that keep them awake at night. I think that was what shocked me the most as I grew up, the realization that people are so much more than what we see beneath the surface, that we are all so much deeper and complex than we pretend to be, how oblivious we can be to someone’s struggles and pain.

We all have secrets, deep dark thoughts we don’t share, fears we don’t want to admit. It’s human nature, to protect ourselves and the things we love, so whether because we don’t want to worry people, because we feel no-one can possibly understand us, because we’re ashamed, afraid, or simply due to an utter inability to open up, we clamp up and we go on with our lives, day after day, with a smile in our face that disguises the agony that we face inside.

Everyone has stories they never tell, and a lot of times they're kept hidden not because they don't trust the ones around them, but because they don't trust themselves. Fear is a force that drives us more than we realize, and the fear of letting people down or being hurt is often behind the reason we keep our secrets so well hidden. And yes, friends should be the ones you trust to support you no matter what, but this fear of disappointment doesn’t usually come from having friends that don't love us enough to accept us, it comes from the fact that we don't  love ourselves enough to believe we are worthy of their love despite our flaws.

We are the ones blocking the trust, we avoid exposure because we see vulnerability as a weakness, thought the reality is that it takes an unmeasurable amount of courage to be comfortable in that place. 

You always have a choice... Choose right!

I was always naïve. I was that cliché little girl who believed she could save the world and make a difference, and though life as made a point of teaching me there are things we can’t control and lives we cannot change, deep inside that will has never faded.

There have been times I wished I could care less about things, but then again we can’t let the circumstances of life harden us to the point we stop caring, or else what would keep us going?

I like to think that have grown a lot, that I’m not the little girl who believed in fairy tales anymore, but I think a lot of people still seem me has a naïve young woman who mistakenly believes she can make a difference, who still hasn’t  understood her insignificance in this world. And maybe that’s where I’ve grown the most, because there was a time I’d let their lack of faith shake me up, that I’d wonder if time would make me that sceptical too, but now I know it’s up to you to keep paving that path. It’s not always easy, you will fall and fail a thousand times, but you always have a choice. You can choose to quit or you can choose to try harder. You can’t blame it on people, as if the actions of a few could dictate how you act towards all the others. It’s your choice if you will let failure prevent you to reach out for someone else.

Life is unpredictable. Challenges thrown at us constantly - at work, at home, inside ourselves... It’s easy to become slouchy, grumpy, to stop trying, to become averse to change and whatever falls out of norm. It’s easier to become that person that shuts down everything that’s new, everyone who’s different. It’s easier to settle for the minimum and avoid raising the bar. It’s easier to clamp up and think only about oneself. It’s easier to become selfish… But just because it’s easier, it doesn’t mean that’s the way to go.

You have a choice to look on the bright side, to focus on the positive outcomes that might come with the challenges. You have a choice to put the extra work, walk that extra mile, even if it doesn’t always seem fair, even if the road gets lonely at times. You have a choice to be positive, even if it means swimming against the tides of doubt, fear and ignorance that surround you. You have a choice to keep trying no matter how many times you fail, because it’s not about being perfect, it’s about making an effort.

You have a choice to make your stand and walk tall, even if that means standing alone…

We have a choice and we have the responsibility to look out for each other, even if it was not in the plans, even if we’re not sure how it will all turn out in the end.

I don’t believe in higher powers, but I believe in free will. I believe we are the result of the choices we make, not just in life changing moments, but in all the little ones, the ones that truly count. So you do what you have to do. You stand up for what you believe regardless the consequences, and you don’t let life that away your humanity.  

If you do that at some point you will believe you can make a difference. Because you can, because you do, even if it’s one life at the time, even if the life you’re changing is your own. They’ll keep telling you that it’s not worth it, that you can’t help them all, but it’s all about that 1% you can.

There’s so much evil in this world we can’t control, but if we would make an effort to change the little things we do, to care about the next one, to open up to something new, to walk a mile in someone shoes, to offer them something as little as a genuine smile, so much pain would be taken away… and that’s not about being a good person, it’s about being human!

You should never underestimate the power your actions can have on someone, so let them doubt all they want, I’ll believe for both us.

N° 2 Sexuality

Nº 2

Hi. As you may know, I made one of these little paragraph texts a while ago and I wanted to make one again. But this time touching a different subject. This time it's about sexuality. Yes I'm going there. One of the most touched, but non-explained subjects in this partly judgmental world.
First of all, I know I shouldn't be doing this.
I mean, I'm 12 years old, I haven't explored my sexuality yet and I don't intend to yet anyway , but I know that whoever has would be sure about it right? Like I said, I don't know. All I know is that just like any other subject, it should not be touched before it's explained. So now that my acknowledgement of this subject has been made, we can get on to MY opinion and my side towards it.

The types
So we all think we know the different sexualities, and their boundaries, so let's start with basic math.

LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 = Lesbian, Gay, Bi (sexual), Trans (gender), and Queer Community.
L = Lesbian = 👩‍❤️‍👩 = 🚺+ 🚺
G = Gay = 👨‍❤️‍👨 = 🚹 + 🚹
B = Bisexual = 👩‍🎤/👨‍🎤 + 👩+👨
T = Trangender = 🙎🙎‍♂️>🙎/🙎‍♂️
Q = Queer = Different = 🌈👩‍🎤👨‍🎤 or anything they want to physically or emotionally be like.

2. Response Socially

I know that there are many points of view between sexuality and whether it is right or wrong.
Well let me ask something, if any sexuality other than heterosexuality is bad then, for Christians, the bible says that God made every person in his image. If He is that powerful, then he could've made every mind and point of view in His image. Sure the bible says that no man should lay with his neighbour, but it also says God will accept anyone big, small, black, or white.
So if God doesn't like people part of the LGBTQ community, He can come and punish them. But for now only He can judge them so let them live their lives please. It doesn't even matter who they love!!!!

Filipa André

Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes, the day just… ends

Just last week you told me you were feeling lonely. You said it was nothing, that it was stupid, that you were afraid to tell me because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but that somehow you knew I would get it. We had a good talk about it, we hugged it out, I assured you I would never leave you alone and you assured me you knew that. It was good, we were good, but all week I had you in my mind… all week I had these thoughts in my head about how some things can never be what they were. I thought about how life and work steals time away from the people we care about. How we can never go back to spend 8 hours a day with our best friend in the playground, no matter how much we’d love to. How no matter how hard we try we can’t prevent people from hurting… and then tragedy strikes…  and what was just a nostalgic feeling for times we can’t relive transforms in an absolute feel of impotence. All of the sudden 30km feel like an ocean away, a couple of hours feel like an eternity and I feel so small, because I’ve been there, and I know there’s nothing one can say or do that will take the pain away. And it kills me. I know this isn’t about me, but it kills me to know there’s nothing I can do, it kills me hearing you cry and have no voice, because all the comfort words I can utter feel shallow and vain. In moments like these I wish I was one of those people who always know just what to say, I wish I was positive, I wish I was strong, I wish I could give you the peace of mind that deep inside I know only comes with time. But I have nothing, nothing to offer but hug and a promise of always trying to be there, because truth is I still don’t get it. I don’t get death. It’s been 10 years for me, and in a lot of ways it might seem that I’ve coped with it, but I’m not sure I have. I pushed through like we all do, but there’s so much about that day that feels unresolved. So much pain, so much guilt… So I have nothing, nothing to offer but hug and a promise of always trying to be there.

Family is who your heart chooses

You came without a warning, and at a time when my guard was already up. It was awkward at first, I won’t deny it. I had always wanted a little sister, but I wasn’t expecting one anymore, not at that point in my life, and certainly not one that worshiped me so much after one short meeting. Back then you were devoted to me, I could do no wrong, and as appealing as that may sound, it’s a very heavy load to carry – to have someone so pure and innocent have so much faith in you.

Quickly though you won us all. One by one, and we’re not an easy bunch to win (!) but you made it look so natural, everything was so effortless that we never stood a chance. Any of us. You were so sure we were your family that it became contagious. There was so much certainty in your words, in your actions, that there was no room left for doubt. You never cared about what others might think or ask, you didn’t care about labels (at least not for anyone but me), you didn’t had to name what we had, you just felt it, and that was enough for you.

You brought an openness and bluntness to our house that we were not used to, that we were missing. You poured your heart out day in and day out and bonded with us in ways we weren’t bonded with each other. You somehow managed to connect us all a bit more and ended up being the piece of the puzzle we didn’t know was missing.

Today I’m not your whole world anymore. I’m not your idol and you certainly don’t think I am always right. Nowadays you can be grumpy and stubborn, you can show your temper and we can drive each other crazy, but that means only one thing… that we love each other to a point that we know we can reveal our true selves and everything will be okay in the end, no matter what. For we may not always agree, but we will always have each other’s backs, that’s how sisterhood works. When it comes down to it, you protect the things you love, no questions asked.

You came home with us for a morning and all of the sudden it has been 10 years, but it shouldn’t be surprising for me, not anymore, that family comes in the most unexpected ways and forms, because truth is because family is who your heart chooses.

Magic inside my closet

When I was little I never believed I had monsters under my bed, I did, however, believe I had magic inside my closet.

Every day was an new adventure, as for in the darkness of the night, when everyone was sure I was fast asleep, my magic closet would take me to China and beyond.

All I had to do was step inside and in an instant it would teleport me to a whole new world. If I close my eyes I can still see the colors around me as I twirled in wonder, the long pavements, the things happening all at once around me, everything so new, so different, so interesting!

I’d always travel alone, for some reason, despite being the social butterfly I was back then, but I was never lonely. There was no fear, despite how far away I would travel, no worries about when or if I would come back, there was just excitement and anticipation.

I’d never remember how I would get back, though I imagine it would be just as magical. The memories that remained were always the ones of departing my home and arriving to a new place, with unlimited possibilities.

My brother, older and always rational, tried to prove over and over again that I was lying, that it just wasn’t possible, but I didn’t care about his logic, or his intentions to dismiss what I knew was true.

Things were different all those years ago, I was so confident back then, so sure. Life hadn’t got in the way yet. I didn’t care about what made sense, what could be proven or what they said, all I believed was myself. 

I wasn’t lying, there was indeed magic in my bedroom, I just didn’t realize that the magic wasn’t inside my closet, but inside myself.  

Days

There are days you impress yourself with how everything turned out, the challenges you took, the fears you faced and the many ways you refused to let your insecurities defy who you are and how far you can get.

Other days you look at your life and it feels like you’ve achieved nothing, that you’re immensely far from where you want to be, that you keep taking steps in random directions and that you’re no closer to your goal than you were back in high school.

Some days you’re just completely out of focus. All you can think about is all the things you haven’t managed to achieve yet. You’ve always dreamed big. You’re destined to do great things with your life, that’s what everyone keeps telling you, that’s what they believe, that’s what they made YOU believe. And yet there are days you have no purpose. Days where all the inspiration is gone, days where there is no motivation, no hope, no will.

You feel constantly trapped in this dichotomy of having days when you feel like you can change the world, and days you can barely find the strength to get out of bed. And it’s funny that these up and downs are what hasn’t really changed over the years. They are your constant, your solid ground, from when you where that bubbly little girl until the moment you are now. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, maybe balance is overrated and the constant struggle is what keeps you from becoming stale (even though that’s how you feel, more often than you’d like to admit).

My Answer is You / A minha resposta são vocês

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo

I grew up hearing about how magical life was, full of inspiring people and loving creatures, but somehow along the way I developed a twisted vision of the world. I built a wall around me and became emotionally unattached to a degree I was merely numb.

The happy little girl that once bounced around talking to everyone who would listen had suddenly disappeared and the constant smile on her face, the one she so often got complimented on, was nothing but an act.

For no apparent reason the child who once believed she could change the world had turned into someone who felt worthless. The pressure of being an overachiever, a pressure no-one ever understood where it came from, led to a constant feeling of despair and self-loathing. Anxiety and fear crept in so deep into my soul that I started questioning the one thing I’d always been sure about.     

The plan I had dictated for my life was coming to its term and I wasn't ready for what would come next... mostly because I didn't know if I wanted it anymore, mostly because now I wasn't sure I had it in me anymore.

The world seemed too big for me to handle, but despite all the space around me and how tiny I was, I felt trapped. The feelings I had been carrying for years showed no intention to flee and I had to admit to myself that maybe what I was feeling was more than just an adolescent phase, it was my reality. I realized then that I wasn’t sure what I was more afraid of, sucking at the only job I had ever dreamed of or feeling stale for the rest of my life.

And so in a very uncharacteristically and unexpected move, I leaped...

I leaped because I was afraid. I leaped because I was desperate, because in a lot of ways it felt like my last chance, my only hope... I leaped because I grew up hearing how sweet I was, being a good girl, always taking care of the little ones around me, and despite all the challenges and difficulties, the tiny humans were still the ones to whom I could give myself completely. And that's when I met you... and as corny as it might sound, my whole life changed.

With you I rediscovered myself and my true passion. I defeated any doubts of what my vocation truly was. I changed, I grew, but more importantly… I loved you. In a way I wasn't sure I could still do.

I've always prided myself of my ability to compartmentalize and bottle emotions in, but with you I never stood a chance.

I am someone who loves to keep some distance, how big the world is, and to be able to travel from place to place leaving no roots, but meeting you, made me wish, for the first time, that I could make the world smaller.

My anxiety isn't gone, my faith in people hasn't been restored and my deep dark companions still travel around with me. In the core I haven't changed, so one might wonder if it’s worth the days I wake up in the middle of the night, heart clenched, for missing you, or the guilt I carry with me for “leaving you”, but I don’t have to wonder, because my answer is you. There was never a moment of doubt or a single regret. If there was ever a step I took in the right direction it was the one towards you. 

Happy Birthday little Munchkins!

 “How do I love you? It’s impossible to say. For if I had a million days, and time enough for all the praise, I couldn’t tell you all the ways… that I love you” (P.K. Hallinan)

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My Answer são vocês

Cresci a ouvir histórias de um mundo mágico, cheio de pessoas inspiradoras e criaturas apaixonantes, mas sem saber como, ao longo do caminho desenvolvi uma visão destorcida do mundo. Criei um muro à minha volta e tornei-me desapegada ao ponto de ficar dormente.

A menina feliz que antes saltitava de um lado para o outro a falar com quem quer que a ouvisse desapareceu repentinamente e o sorriso constante no seu rosto, aquele pelo qual tantas vezes era elogiada não era mais do que uma máscara.

Sem razão aparente, a criança que outrora acreditara que podia mudar o mundo não reconhecia em si agora qualquer valor. A pressão de ser perfeita, uma pressão que nunca ninguém percebeu de onde vinha, levaram-na a um desespero constante. A ansiedade e o medo alojaram-se de tal maneira na minha alma que comecei a questionar a única coisa sobre a qual nunca tinha duvidado.

O plano que tinha ditado para a minha vida estava a chegar ao fim e eu não estava preparada para o que viria a seguir... sobretudo porque já  não sabia se era isso que queria, sobretudo porque já não acreditava se seria capaz de vingar.

O mundo parecia demasiado grande para o encarar, mas apesar de todo o espaço à minha de volta, e de me sentir tão pequenina, sentia-me encurralada. Os sentimentos que carregava comigo há anos não mostravam intenções de partir e acabei por ter de admitir a mim mesma que se calhar o que estava a sentir era mais do que apenas uma fase da adolescência, era a minha realidade.  Nesse momento percebi que não sabia o que me assustava mais, falhar no trabalho com que sempre sonhara, ou sentir-me estagnada para o resto da vida.

Assim, num movimento pouco característico e muito inesperado, arrisquei...

Arrisquei porque tinha medo. Arrisquei porque estava desesperada, porque me parecia a minha última hipótese, a única esperança... Arrisquei porque cresci a ouvir que era uma menina querida, sempre bem comportada e a tomar conta dos pequeninos à minha volta, e apesar de todos os desafios e dificuldades, eles eram os únicos a quem ainda me conseguia dar sem limitações. Foi assim que vos conheci... e por muito lamechas que possa soar, a minha vida mudou para sempre.

Com vocês redescobri-me, assim como a minha verdadeira paixão. Tirei quaisquer dúvidas sobre a minha verdadeira vocação. Mudei, cresci, mas mais importante que isso... amei-vos. De uma forma que pensava já não ser capaz.  

Sempre me orgulhei da minha capacidade de compartimentalizar e controlar as emoções, mas com vocês nunca tive qualquer hipótese.

Sou uma pessoa que gosta de manter alguma distância, do facto do mundo ser grande e de poder viajar de um lado para o outro sem criar raízes, mas conhecer-vos fez que com que pela primeira vez, desejasse que o mundo fosse mais pequeno.

A minha ansiedade não desapareceu, a minha fé nas pessoas não se refez e os meus demónios interiores ainda os trago comigo. No essencial não mudei, por isso alguns podem perguntar se vale a pena os dias que acordo no meio da noite, com o coração apertado de saudades, ou a culpa que carrego por vos ter “abandonado”, mas nem ponho essa questão, porque a resposta está em vocês. Nunca houve um momento de dúvida ou um único arrependimento. Se alguma vez dei um passo correcto, foi o passo que dei na vossa direcção. 

Parabéns Munchkins!

“Quanto vos amo? É impossível dizer. Pois mesmo que tivesse um milhão de dias, e tempo suficiente para todos os elogios, não conseguiria expressar todas as maneiras que vos amo” (P.K. Hallinan)

The day after the morning after / O dia depois da manhã seguinte

Nota: Versão portuguesa mais abaixo.

Now that the information has sunk in let’s move forward.

Let’s not condemn a man for hateful speech and then proceed to bully those who used their rights to vote for him. Let’s not dwell on what has been done, let’s focus on the things we can actually impact. Let’s improve intercultural dialogue, let’s close the gap in gender opportunities, let’s teach our children about LGBTQ rights, women rights, minorities rights… HUMAN rights.

Let’s make our voices louder than a single voice in the office. Let’s put last night’s results aside and think how we can prevent the nightmare we fear to become real.  Let’s use these feelings we have bubbling up inside to fuel us to be more active in creating the change and the world we want to see. Let’s educate our people, our children so that in years to come they don’t have to choose between the less of two evils. Let’s promote tolerance and acceptance so that one day we all see each other as equals.  Let’s teach our boys and girls to respect one another, to appreciate women AND men, to value people for their words and actions, instead of their gender, color or sexual orientation.

Let’s remember that more than worrying about all of these during election days/years we need to worry about it and work on it every single day, as only then change will happen.

Let’s watch our words, be aware of the discrimination or hateful slips we might let out here and there and make a conscious effort to correct them. Let’s be positive, but let’s act! Let’s be more than a critic voice in the background, let’s find ways to be actively involved and change the system, even if it’s little by little, even if it seems it’s too irrelevant to matter.

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O dia depois da manhã seguinte

Agora que a informação assentou vamos seguir em frente. 

Não vamos condenar um homem pelo seu discurso de ódio e de seguida atacar aqueles que utilizaram os seus direitos para votar nele. Não vamos chorar pelo leite derramado, vamos antes focar-nos naquilo que realmente podemos mudar. Vamos incentivar o diálogo intercultural, vamos reduzir a diferença de oportunidades entre géneros, vamos ensinar às nossas crianças os direitos da comunidade LGBTQ, os direitos das mulheres, os direitos das minorias... os direitos HUMANOS. 

Vamos fazer com que as nossas vozes ecoem mais alto do que uma voz sozinha num gabinete. Vamos por os resultados de ontem à noite de lado e pensar como podemos prevenir que o pesadelo que tanto tememos se torne realidade. Vamos usar estes sentimentos que temos a borbulhar cá dentro para nos motivar, para nos tornarmos mais activos na criação da mudança e do mundo que queremos ver.

Vamos educar o nosso povo, as nossas crianças para que nos próximos anos não tenham de escolher entre o menor de dois males. Vamos promover a tolerância e o respeito para que um dia nos vejamos a todos como iguais. Vamos ensinar os nossos meninos e meninas a respeitarem-se mutuamente, a valorizar mulheres E homens, a respeitar as pessoas pelas suas palavras e acções, e não pelo seu género, cor de pele ou orientação sexual. 

Vamos manter em mente que mais do que nos preocuparmos com tudo isto em dia/ano de eleições, temos de nos preocupar com isto e trabalhar para esta mudança todos os dias, pois só assim ela será possível. 

Vamos ter atenção às nossas palavras, ser conscientes dos descuidos discriminativos que deixamos escapar aqui e ali, e fazer um esforço consciente para corrigi-los. Vamos ser positivos, mas vamos agir! Vamos ser mais do que uma voz crítica em segundo plano, vamos encontrar maneiras de nos envolvermos activamente e de mudar o sistema, mesmo que seja pouco a pouco, mesmo que pareça demasiado irrelevante para importar. 

Fear / Medo

Nota: Versão Portuguesa mais abaixo.

I grew up in a family that takes politics seriously. My parents’ teenage and young adult years overlapped with my country’s freedom political revolution. A revolution made by the people, a non-violence revolution that ended dictatorship and censorship to our people and freed our colonies around the world. They saw change happening, they saw the good guys turning things around, making history and maybe because of that they truly felt through politics they could change the world. Even now, over 40 years later, they still gather regularly with the friends from those times and can’t help but discuss the current political situation of the country and the world. So I was raised to believe in democracy, to take my voting rights seriously, to be aware of the world around me. And although I try to stay informed and I fulfill my duties, I’m far from being an expert on politics, mostly because it fails to impress me. If my parents grew up with role models of positive change, my generation grew up hearing that politicians are liars and thieves. And that can’t be an excuse to not care, people in far worst conditions have fought for a change, but in general that’s why I usually make a conscious choice to refrain from sharing political opinions. This time it feels different though, this time it feels that it’s about more than just politics, it’s about human rights, values and beliefs.  It’s a controversial topic, I’m aware, but if you don’t stand up for what you believe while you can, one day it might be too late.

“First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out, because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me… and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Martin Niemöller (1892-1984)

Watching the elections last night was like watching a train wreck. You know it’s going to end badly and yet you can’t take your eyes of it. I’m not sure if this were the most important elections of our generation, but without a doubt it was the first time I truly feared for its outcome even though I’m not an American citizen, even though I live in another continent. The results shouldn’t be that surprising anymore, not after all we’ve seen over the past months, year, but I guess a lot of us were in denial, didn’t want to believe that such character could possibly achieve such a high position. 

I’m not pro Clinton, I was not with her, but still…

Last night, whatever the results might have been, it would have always been a lost. Just the fact that in a country with over 318 millions of people these were the two candidates, was a disappointment. When the reasoning behind a large majority of voters is choosing the less of two evils, that will always be a lose-lose situation. However, if those are the choices, if that’s the impossible situation people are faced with, I still can’t understand Trump’s victory. It’s a matter of principles. As an educator, but above all as a human being, I can’t accept that a man that has made several racist comments, that sees women as objects, that promotes rape culture, and violence can be the answer. How are we supposed to teach our children about human rights, tolerance and respect, when in this day and age, a person that judges and offends women on their looks, wants to build up walls, claims immigrants are rapists and terrorists, believes that tax evasion is being smart and that when you're rich you can just "grab them [women] by the p*ssy.", just became the most powerful person in the world?

Today in the dawn hours I received a message from my little sister. She was worried about Trump’s win. My little sister, who is 12 years old and lives across the ocean from the USA, that should have no reason whatsoever to even be following this elections this close, but she was, and she was in shock. Not because she is a half black immigrant young women in a foreign country, but because despite her years she has strong believes of equality and human rights. I reassured her that Trump is only a figure head, that he won’t be able to put in action all his single words and ideas, which I know was the reasoning behind a lot of his voters, and to some degree that might be true, but I can’t in all conscious say I’m not worried too, because it didn’t start with gas chambers…

We like to pretend like it happened ages ago, to claim that things like that could never happen again, at least not in independent, developed countries, you can even say I’m overreacting, but truth is, it all started with intolerance and hate speech and when people realized where things were headed it was far too late. 

For me last night was always going to be a loss, because Trump winning or losing I would always fear what would have come next, winning or losing it wouldn't change the fact that he got as far as he got, winning or losing it wouldn't have change what he thinks or feels about others that are different from him, winning or losing it wouldn't change the fact that a huge amount of people were not appalled by his words and actions. 

I don't just fear Trump’s actions, which I believe to a certain degree will be tamed by the rest of his party, I fear the message it sends. I'm not worried about my little sister, who has her head in the right place and is wise beyond her years, but I'm worried for all the boys and girls around the world that will grow up hearing the abominations Trump has said and will continue to say, I worry about the platform that this chair will give him to trivialize hateful speech. I honestly don't care if in the end he will have the power to act on his words or not, it is NEVER alright to say you can force yourself on a woman because you're rich and powerful, it is NEVER alright to make generalizations and accuse all immigrant’s to be drugs dealers or rapists, it's NEVER alright to call women fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals, it is NEVER alright to belittle, insult or sexualize others. 

We live in a world that works hard to raise awareness on discrimination, equality and tolerance, and then we hand the most powerful position in the planet to a misogynistic bully. 

Racisms, xenophobia, homophobia and chauvinism. It's no surprise to me that it still exists. I notice them every day, how people are not even aware of their prejudices. That alone scares me, but the fact that someone can come out in the open and say the things Trump has said and still get the unbelievable amount of votes he got... it terrifies me. I won't even go that far to discuss his access to the nuclear code or what he can actually do without the support of the congress, that's not even what I fear the most. My biggest fear is the propagation of these ideals. Ideals that people around the globe have worked so hard over the years to slowly overcome. The biggest irony of all these, might be that the results of Trump's victory were known to us on the 9th of November... exactly 27th years after the fall of the Berlin's Wall... Let that sink in...

This post is not in anyway to shame or discredit the people who voted from Trump, they were merely choosing the people they feel can represent them better, I respect that, it is their right. But don't tell me not to be scared... because that's my right too!

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Medo

Cresci numa família que encara a política de forma séria. Os meus pais cresceram no auge da revolução da liberdade. Uma revolução feita pelo povo, uma revolução pacifica que pôs o fim à ditadura e à censura no nosso pais e que libertou as colónia portuguesas espalhadas pelo mundo. Eles viram a mudança a acontecer, viram os bons da fita a prevalecer, a virar o jogo, a fazer história, e talvez por isso tenham acreditado que através da politica podiam mudar o mundo. Mesmo hoje, mais de 40 anos mais tarde, ainda se juntam regularmente com os amigos “da causa”, e não conseguem não discutir a actualidade do país e do mundo. Por tudo isto fui criada para acreditar em democracia, para não encarar de ânimo leve o direito ao voto e para ter consciência do que se passa em meu redor. Mas apesar de me tentar manter informada e de cumprir as minhas obrigações estou longe de ser especialista em politica, até porque é uma área que não me fascina. Se os meus pais cresceram com modelos positivos de mudança, a minha geração cresceu a ouvir que os políticos são mentirosos e ladrões. E isso não pode ser desculpa para não nos preocuparmos, muitos em piores condições lutaram pela mudança, mas é por isso que de forma geral faço uma escolha consciente para não comentar politica. Desta vez abro uma excepção, porque desta vez não se trata apenas de politica, trata-se de direitos humanos, valores e crenças. É um tópico controverso, eu sei, mas se não falarmos enquanto podemos, um dia poderá ser tarde demais.

“Primeiro vieram atrás dos socialistas, e eu não protestei, porque não era socialista;

Depois, vieram atrás dos líderes sindicais, e eu calei-me, porque não era lider sindical;

Depois vieram atrás dos judeus, e eu permaneci em silêncio porque não era judeu;

Finalmente, vieram me buscar... E já não havia ninguém que pudesse falar por mim.”

Martin Neimoller (1892-1984)

Ver as eleições americanas ontem à noite foi como ver um comboio a descarrilar. Sabes que vai acabar mal e no entanto não consegues desviar o olhar. Não sei se estas terão sido as eleições mais importantes da nossa geração, mas sem dúvida foi a primeira vez que verdadeiramente temi um resultado eleitoral, mesmo não sendo norte americana, mesmo vivendo noutro continente. Os resultados já não deviam ser surpreendentes, não depois de tudo o que fomos vendo e ouvindo durante os últimos meses, ano, mas acho que grande parte de nós estava em negação, não queria acreditar que uma personagem assim pudesse atingir uma posição de tanto poder.

Não sou pro Clinton, não estava com ela, mas...

Ontem à noite, qualquer que fosse os resultado, seria sempre uma derrota. O facto de num país com mais de 318 milhões de habitantes, os candidatos finais serem aqueles dois é por si só é uma desilusão. Quando a razão por detrás de grande parte dos votos é “escolher o mal menor” qualquer que seja o resultado será sempre uma derrota. Contudo, sendo estas as escolhas, sendo as pessoas confrontadas com esta escolha impossível, ainda assim não consigo perceber a vitória do Trump. É uma questão de princípios. Como educadora, mas acima de tudo como ser humano, não consigo aceitar que um homem que fez repetidamente comentários racistas, que vê as mulheres como objectos, que promove a cultura do abuso sexual e a violência possa ser a resposta. Como é suposto ensinarmos às nossas crianças os direitos humanos, tolerância e respeito, quando nos dias de hoje uma pessoa que julga e ofende mulheres com base no seu aspecto, que quer construir muros, que afirma que os imigrantes são terroristas e violadores, que acredita que fugir aos impostos é ser esperto e que quando és rico e famoso podes simplesmente “agarrá-las [mulheres] pela r*ta”, acabou de se tornar a pessoa mais poderosa no mundo? 

Hoje, ainda de madrugada, recebi uma mensagem da minha irmã mais nova. Estava preocupada com a vitória de Trump. A minha irmã, que tem 12 anos, que vive a um oceano de distância dos EUA, que não deveria ter qualquer razão para sequer estar a seguir estas eleições de perto... mas estava, e estava chocada com o resultado. Não porque é uma jovem mulher, mulata, imigrante num país estrangeiro, mas porque apesar da sua idade tem opiniões fortes sobre igualdade e direitos humanos. Assegurei-a que  Trump é apenas o rosto do partido, que não lhe será permitido por em prática todas as suas ideias, o que sei que foi o que levou muita gente a votar nele, e que até certo ponto será verdade, mas ainda assim não posso dizer de consciência totalmente tranquila que não estou também preocupada, porque as coisas não começaram com câmaras de gás... 

Gostamos de fingir que aconteceu hà eras atrás, de afirmar que nada igual se repetirá, pelo menos não em países independentes e desenvolvidos, podem até dizer que estou a dramatizar, mas a verdade é que tudo começou com intolerância e incitamento ao ódio, e quando as pessoas se aperceberam as proporções que estava a tomar, já era demasiado tarde. 

Para mim, as eleições de ontem seriam sempre uma derrota, porque vencendo o Trump ou não, teria sempre medo do que viria a seguir, vencendo ou não isso não mudaria o facto que ele chegou onde chegou, vencendo ou não, isso não mudaria o que ele pensa ou sente sobre aqueles que são diferentes de si, vencendo ou não isso não iria mudar o facto que uma enormidade de pessoas não ficou horrorizada com o seu discurso. 

Não temo apenas as acções de Trump, que acredito que de certo modo serão controladas pelo resto do seu partido, temo acima de tudo a mensagem que a sua vitória transmite. Não estou preocupada com a minha irmã que tem a cabeça no lugar certo e sabedoria acima da média, estou preocupada com os rapazes e raparigas espalhados à volta do mundo que crescerão a ouvir as abominações que Trump tem dito e que continuará a dizer. Preocupa-me a plataforma que este cargo lhe dá para banalizar um discurso de ódio e discriminação. Não me interessa se ele terá o poder ou não para por em prática todas as suas ideias, NUNCA é aceitável dizer que podes forçar relações com a uma mulher por seres rico e poderoso, NUNCA é aceitável fazer generalizações e acusar todos os imigrantes de serem traficantes de droga ou violadores, NUNCA é aceitável menosprezar, insultar e sexualizar outro ser humano. 

Vivemos num mundo onde se trabalha arduamente para diminuir a discriminação e promover igualdade e tolerância, e depois entregamos a posição mais poderosa do planeta a um bully misógino. 

Racismo, xenofobia, homofobia e machismo. Não é surpresa para mim que ainda existam. Reparo neles todos os dias, como as pessoas nem se apercebem dos preconceitos que carregam. Só por si isso assusta-me, mas o facto de alguém poder abertamente dizer as coisas que Trump tem dito e ainda assim consegui o número inacreditável de votos que ele conseguiu... é aterrorizador. Nem vou mais além, discutir o acesso ao código nuclear ou que ele realmente pode fazer com o apoio do congresso, isso nem é o que mais temo. O meu maior medo é a propagação destes ideais. Ideais que tantas pessoas à volta do globo têm lutado tanto para ao longo dos anos lentamente superarem. A maior ironia disto tudo, será talvez o facto da noticia da vitória de Trump nos chegar hoje, dia 9 de Novembro... Exactamente 27 anos depois da queda do Muro de Berlim... 

Não pretendo com isto desacreditar as pessoas que votaram no Trump, pois limitaram-se a eleger o candidato que pensam que melhor pode representá-los, respeito isso, estão no seu direito. Mas não me digam para não ter medo... porque também estou no meu!

Dark secrets

We all have dark secrets. Well-hidden truths that shadow us through life even on the happiest moments. Events from the past, obscure thoughts, shady emotions we don’t want to admit we have experienced. Facts that daunt us even though we pretend to be oblivious to. These are things we chose to forget (pretending that that’s even an option), things we deny to ourselves that ever happened, in hope that one day we can believe it.

But you can’t run away from yourself or your past. The false sense of security only lasts so far and when you least expect it, it all comes back to haunt you. Secrets always find a way to come back into our lives. Sometimes they are quiet whispers, unnoticed by everyone else, but though they may not see them or hear them, you sure can feel them. 

Flashbacks flooding your mind with memories you didn’t know you kept, your dreams invaded by worries you didn’t know you (still) had. Pieces from your childhood, scratchy scenarios that made you uncomfortable, like a chill running through your veins. Encounters that made you go into hiding on instinct even though you didn’t know exactly what was wrong. Bizarre events you couldn’t understand before with your pure mind, but that over time, without even noticing, you managed to put the pieces back together… things you now know were wrong. Things you wish you didn’t remember, things that most days you really don’t. 

Dark secrets, the skeletons in the closet we all have, undisclosed facts that remain unknown even to those who are closer to us. Maybe because we don’t want them to define us, maybe because they really don’t, whatever the reason is, it’s not changing any time soon. 

You imagine that once the memories themselves were what used to bother you, but that’s not the case anymore. The dreams, not so often nightmares anymore, they don’t frighten you, is the feelings they carry with them that take you by surprise. And it’s not even about the empowerment you feel by not representing the helpless little girl anymore, instead being able to stand up to the scary monsters (even if it’s just a dream), it’s about your emotions… Emotions you feel so deeply even though it is nothing but a dream. Not those of fear or pain (you’re familiar with those), quite the opposite, what really gets to you now, is the overwhelming comfort you find in these dreams. When you hear the quiet voice in the distance than can cool you down, the sight of those imaginary arms that wrap around you, in a way you can almost feel the touch on your skin, the warmth on your heart… A sense of security you don’t remember experiencing in a very long time. A fake reality that somehow soothes you when nothing else can. 

You got used to your dark secrets, you accepted the fact they would carry on with you for life, but what if you have been looking at it all wrong? What if it goes deeper than that? What if your dark secrets don’t just lug with you, what if, they too keep evolving? What does that mean then, when the scariest part of a memory it’s not the bad one, but the good?