What can I do?

There’s something about you

2012-02-19T01:35:00.002Z

I see you from a distance

Fascinated by your charm

Every single thing about you,

It’s all perfect.

Absorbed by your aura

I admire your beauty,

Your smile, the way you move,

You make it look so simple.

Ingenuously I try discover,

To unveil what it is,

Foolishly I attempt to define

What has no description.

You make everyone seem fool,

For even trying, they won’t reach you.

I watch you… More than a peculiarity

It’s a gift.

The way you speak to people

How you conquer everyone.

With one look you win them,

With one smile you light up the room.

You captivate people

It’s impossible to be indifferent

That charisma, that glow,

You’re amazing and don’t even know it.

I wonder how you manage it all,

The right balance.

You’re cute and sensible yet strong

Incredible likeable but not at all boring.

True to yourself you don’t try to please.

Opinionated and feisty,

You’ll always fight back

And even doing it are as cute as hell

You’re perfect because you make mistakes

And rise from them everytime

Perfect because what makes you special

Is, above everything, being so normal.

What would we do without music?

2012-02-18T04:26:00.000Z

What would we do without music?

Whatever your feelings are there’s always some particular song that will adequate to it. When you’re not able to describe or understand what’s going inside of you, there’re always those lyrics that couldn’t be any more perfect. Music helps you mourn when you’re down, it doesn’t force you to overcome something that you’re not yet ready to face, it allows you to wallow and it keeps you company in the lonely nights.

But music is not just present in the bad moments. No, music has the ability to accompany us in every state or mood. It is music you blast when you’re excited about a great day, when you want to shake it up or belt it out how happy you are.

Music adjusts to your needs. It’s music I put on when I need to focus on my own thoughts, when I want to look deeper into my emotions but it’s also music I blast when I’m trying to ignore what’s going inside my head. It’s a safety net. It’s something that no matter what I can count on. I love songs that put a smile on my face every single time they come up on my ipod, but I equally love those almost depressing songs that no matter what will always put me on a more introspective mood. It’s fascinating to me to realize that other people have experienced similar dilemmas, similar pain and how you can feel so connect to someone you have never even met.

What’s so special about music? Is it the melody or the lyrics? I think it’s hard to define, and it most definitely varies from person to person. To me, I find that most of times I get attracted to the lyrics the most. To the lyrics and to the artist/performer. I have to feel somehow connect to him/her and that has an unquestionably result on how I react to a song. But I do have a couple of songs that lyrically mean absolutely nothing to me but that somehow make me feel something good inside when I play them. I think music is an amazing thing. A friend, an expression tool, a great psychologist! Music is one of those little pleasures in life that often we over look but that I would be totally devastated if for some reason I’d had to live without.

The voice within

2012-02-17T04:14:00.002Z

Whatever happen don’t lose your mind. This crazy world will tear you down, some people will make you wonder how humans can be so mean to eachother but no matter what, you have to be able to trust your gut.

We can’t replace someone we love, people around us are important and we can’t ever substitute their role in our lives, but there will be times they won’t be around. There will be days when you’ll have no-one or you’ll have everybody and it still won’t be enough. That’s why you have to be able to trust yourself. It’s great to have a shoulder to cry on and to feel you’ll have someone to pull you up if you fall but it doesn’t always go like that. Despite whatever was that overthrew you sometimes you just have to pick yourself up with no help. You just have to remember yourself that you’re not alone... because even when there’s nobody else you still have yourself.

Your mind is so much powerful than you’ll ever see it. It’s all in your head. You can be your biggest friend or your worst enemy. Don’t let those voices push you down. For once try to listen to the good ones. For a change try to believe the wonderful things you’ve heard people say about you. I know you’ve heard it. I know they’re saved there, somewhere, buried under those destructive views of yourself.

They can’t be all wrong, right? There must be something, it has to be something… “So why can’t I see?” you’ll wonder. You just got to give yourself a chance, cut yourself some slack. If only I could show you how…

Growing Up

2012-02-14T09:10:00.000Z

Hi babes just to warn you this one is a bit long, but hopefully worth it ;) XoXo, Fi

I’ve never felt never very keen about the idea of growing up. I can’t explain why, but I never wanted to be older than 14/15. Even when I was a teenager and all my friends were longing for independence (which I always had anyway), to be able to drive, to be able to make their own decisions, I was never that anxious about turning 18. Maybe because I had had a happy childhood and I don’t like to change, maybe because I was happy with what I knew and didn’t want to take the risk of finding something less great, maybe because it was when I started to grow up that everything stopped being clear and the thoughts and feelings started to mix up and haunt me.

I loved being naïve, loving everybody and believing they were perfect. I enjoyed playing in my fantasy world and believing in things like Santa Claus (actually I remember forcing myself to believe in his existence when I was already aware he wasn’t real). Everything was so clear then, so black and white. It may seem simplistic but I confess I miss the times when it was clear that a behavior was either good or evil, that people where either nice or mean, when choices where either right or wrong. Not feeling the weight of the world in your shoulders, being able to run to someone’s arms everytime you fall down, being able to believe when someone reassures you that it will be okay. How can you not miss that?

Growing up meant having to realize that there are no perfect people at that I took hard. The realization that things aren’t always as we think they are. Changing my opinions, realizing that everyone has a dark side. For some reason I had lived in this bubble where everything was good and people were sweet, and then one day it just hit me that I wasn’t able to have that same feeling anymore. Suddenly I didn’t like that people that much and the things they were doing didn’t feel right anymore. Those were hard times. To have feelings inside that you don’t understand and you strive to let go, to cope with the fact that everything you always knew and love doesn’t feel as perfect and safe anymore.

I always hated when people would refer to it as “just a phase”. It’s like it didn’t matter. I couldn’t care less if it was just a phase or not. I felt lost, confused, scared even. I was disappointed with the world because no-one had ever told me I could be surrounded by a crowd and yet feel incredibly lonely. Being just phase didn’t bring me any reassurance, if anything made me feel silly to be so affected by something that apparently everyone goes through and overcomes eventually.

Growing up is tough because there’re too many things involved and you struggle to juggle all the changes that you are perceiving in the world with the ones that are going inside yourself. You look for a reference, some to look up to, some role model that knows exactly what to do, and how to act. Someone that you can just follow the steps. But it’s unrealistic, it’s a recipe for disaster, you will be constantly disappointed because no matter how smart, confident and mature someone is, no one knows the answer for everything in life.

I didn’t want to grow up because the expectations are way higher and there’s no way back. I liked the idea of having an excuse to fail, when a mistake could be justified because you were just “too young”. More than trying to please everybody I just wanted to blend in. Since no-one seemed able to comfort me or teach me how to deal with all the changes I just wanted to be left alone.

For a while I tried to fight it, though deep inside I knew I stand no chance. The anger eventually faded away and more convinced that it wouldn’t change I started to come to terms with it. I didn’t like it, I wasn’t happy but I realized there was no other way. To the outsiders I was doing okay. I had my friends, my activities, I did well in school, but inside, I was… not even sad, just desperate really. Wondering if I would feel like an outcast my whole life. My heart ached with the thought of having these feeling, these doubts, this neediness forever.

I was a girl that never paid attention to trends, I was never a follower, but still I think sometimes I’d try to morph myself in something I was not. I figured that it must be something wrong in me and that maybe by changing I would feel better. But no matter how miserable you are when you’re being yourself, acting like someone else won’t make you feel better, because it will never be real.

I don’t think it is just a stage. At least not for everybody. But you grow up, no matter how much you fight it or how you try to prevent it, you can’t help it. Hopefully you’ll get to that place when you’re able to accept that maybe life will never be what you want it to be, that people will never be able to give you what you need them to give you, that there are things in you that no matter how much you hate you’ll never be able to change and that those feelings and thoughts will never go away. Hopefully too, you’ll be wise enough to realize that even if it’s not all you wished for, there’s something you can take from every experience, and that instead of looking for the perfect friendship or relationship you just have to take a little love when you can.

Even if you still feel the pressure, you’ll start to give in in some aspects. Details on your life will become important enough for you to react to them without second thoughts, without worrying about what everyone will think. You’ll teach yourself not to rationalize your feelings regarding your friends and that there’s nothing wrong to let someone know how much you love them (even if you not able to tell it to everybody).

You do grow up, and it’s not so much that things change, or that you change, it’s just that in order to protect your sanity you’ll develop the ability to cope with it. And if having a song in repeat mode, listening to an interview over and over again, watching the same Tv shows thousands of times or just writing silly posts peace’s you out, than go for it.

Growing up is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just… different. Perhaps fitting in and finding that person (or people) that make you feel special, comfortable and loved is not meant for everyone but maybe you can have that role in someone else’s life and it won’t be half bad.

To whom expectations?

2012-02-12T04:03:00.001Z

It has been said that we should not leave up to other people expectations but our own. But what to do when your own expectations are much greater and unreachable than everybody else’s?

In the darkness of your mind I watch you struggle, I see you fighting against yourself. Without recognizing your value, your exceptionality, how awesome you are you keep cutting yourself short. I hear people around you loving you but somehow the message that gets to you is distorted because you are your own worst enemy.

You’ve always been great but to you that’s not enough. No, you have to be perfect. You congratulate others for their achievements, you convinced them that failing is part of life, that it doesn’t make them any less worthy, any less amazing, and I know you believe it. So how can you rule yourself by different standards?

The usual advice is to tell people to trust the voice within them, to follow their gut. But when you’re constantly pushing yourself down you just have to block that voice. You can’t “believe the things you tell yourself so late night, you are your own worst enemy you'll never win the fight”*. You have to figure out a way to trust what everyone else is saying, to acknowledge what you rationally know it is true.

I know you know it’s insane. But I can see the fear in your eyes everytime you are put to test. I can sense the panic no matter how ridiculous the task might be. And I don’t think you can change. I think you desperately want to but don’t know how.

The pressure you put in yourself is unbearable. It’s not healthy. No one can cope with such a destructive input all the time. How to justify this need for perfection? When did this happen? What was it that made you think that you have to be like this? Will you ever grow out of it?

* Parachute - Cheryl Cole

Writing

2012-02-10T09:45:00.004Z

Writing is therapeutic, it’s not a work nor even a hobby, is something I need to do. It’s something that can slow down from times to times but that I can never stop completely. It’s something that’s inside of me - day and night - something that follows me no matter where I go or what I do or how I want to ignore it.

It ain’t easy to explain and it shouldn’t be necessary either. The beauty of creative writing it’s not in everybody getting the same message but in the fact that there’s no right or wrong. That there’s no universal understanding and it’s open to interpretation. People should be able to read between the lines, to take their own conclusions about what they’ve read. It’s not about deconstructing the message what’s important is that it means something. Seeing the same as their friends, or even the author doesn’t matter. You’ll see it accordingly to your experiences, to your mood, to what you’re going through at that moment. You’ll take out of it what you need in that exact moment. Maybe later you’ll come back to it and feel different about it, and that’s okay, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Writing is a way to express yourself, your fears, your emotions, your frustrations. It’s a way to vent without fighting or yelling, without having to hurt anyone. It’s an amazing way to live your dreams, to live your parallel life, to imagine what’s unreachable. Writing is a way to let out what’s inside without having to filter it. What you write doesn’t necessarily has to make sense to everybody, not even to anybody.

We all had those days when nothing could sheer us up, and I found that most times, to me, all it takes is to read something that touches my heart. Either because it shows me that there is still hope or because it shows me that no matter how unbearable it may seem at times, someone else had been there too. And that helps. As selfish as it may be, sometimes all we need is to know that we are not “freaks”, that these questions, doubts and fears are not exclusively ours. So if you ask me why I write? I’ll tell you that I write to myself. To (try to) keep sane. If you ask me why I publish my stuff? I’ll confess that I wish that someday I’ll be able reach someone, somewhere, and that maybe by reading my stuff they won’t feel so bad.

Can't feel alright

2012-02-08T03:22:00.002Z

I couldn't explain why

If I wanted to let you know

why I can't have you by my side

I can't get my senses back

Can't get my head around it

Did we have to take this path?

When this all begun

I loved the light in your smile

And now you have none

And you beg me to reconcile

I can't feel alright

No, nothing feels right

When you're gone...

And yet here we are

Stuck in this crossroad

Yes, you're still my star

But I'm about to implode

I have wanted you for so long

But I can't give you all you're worth

Tough you keep saying I'm wrong

Better face it before it gets worst

I can't feel alright

No, nothing feels right

When you're gone...

I need to be sure

You have all the best

so I try to be mature

And put yourself first

I wouldn't love you like I should

Nor even how I'd wish I could

So I choose to make you want to leave

Tough, I can't feel alright

Because nothing feels right

When you're gone...

I'll Stand by You*

2012-02-07T08:55:00.000Z

‎

‎"Nothing you confess could make me love you less (...) When you're standing at the crossroad, don't know which path to choose, let me come along, 'cause even if your wrong...I'll stand by you"*

Suddenly you’re not the same. Suddenly you’re lost in the dark side. Can you still hear me calling? Baby please hear my calling. Come to me honey, talk to me, tell me what’s hunting you. Don’t be ashamed, you can never let me down. You’re trying to be strong, you want to keep it together but holding it inside will drive you mad. You won’t have to justify, I’ll stand by you no matter what you do. I’ll hold your hand, I’ll guide you through, I’ll be your light in the darkest night. I can’t promise it will be easy or that it won’t hurt, but I guarantee you you won’t have to go it alone. Just let me in, I won’t try to fix you. When you lose your strength and your hope is gone, let me hold you up. If you really have to take that that dark road then let me come along because even if it’s hell it won’t be half as bad as watching you drown.

*Tittle and quote by The Pretenders - I'll Stan By You

Bigger than life

2012-02-03T10:37:00.000Z

There’s so much in life we can’t control. There are things we fear. Things we want to avoid. Things we’d prefer to ignore. Things that we’ll have to learn to cope with.

It’s the worst part about growing up, the understanding that life isn’t always as we dream of. That there’s no black and white. That sometimes no matter how hard you try and how perfect you are still somehow you’re not able to make it right.

You’ll look back and you’ll see what overthrew you. You’ll know that there was nothing you could have done and yet it won’t settle your heart. Just because you’re aware of something it doesn’t make it hurt any less. You’ll still feel mad, frustrated, and impotent. No matter how many times life remembers you how small you are you’ll always have those days when you just want to fight it. Moments where you’ll struggle not to settle, that you’ll beg to keep believing. Once you realized you’ve failed you’ll make promises to yourself that even though all went wrong you’ll still manage to make it your way. You’ll try to be oblivious to the evidences. You’ll stubbornly try to prove it wrong but in the end sometimes you just have to admit that

“There are things we don't want to happen but have to accept. Things we don't want to know but have to learn. And people we can't live without but have to let go.”*

* By Penelope Garcia Criminal Minds S06E02

Hate/Love

2012-02-02T14:23:00.001Z

16 Things I hate and love (talk about a random number…)

I hate when my place is taken and I have to sit someplace else
I hate when I’ve read every relevant story, watched every relevant video and went through every work of an artist
I hate injustices
I hate when I really want to be with someone and it’s not on my hands
I hate when things don’t make sense
I hate to watch people breaking apart (having I met them or not)
I hate when people criticize and push other people down just for the thrill of it
I hate when things don’t go has I plan
I hate that the world isn’t smaller sometimes
I hate to wake up when it’s already morning, and having the pleasure of falling asleep only once
I hate to have any icons on my desktop and to have any files misplaced on my pc
I hate to watch people cry
I hate to wait
I hate even more to be or even to think I’ll be late
I hate I can’t log off of my brain sometimes
I hate when I’m so cranky that I annoy myself

I love some words just because they sound cute
I love nostalgic conversations about the good old times
I love to laugh about the things we did and say
I love that special hug that makes your day worth it
I love that look that just says it all
I love that empowering smile that makes you believe
I love to re-discover something I’d forgotten I love (tv show, movie, song, artist)
I love to receive a simply “Good Morning” text message
I love when I get a text and I can’t help but smile to my phone
I love to receive mail
I love finding out new artists that I like
I love when a song inexplicable just makes me smile.
I love wander around randomly listening to music.
I love to travel
I love making up stories in my head
I love how some songs just perfectly sum up what you feel

The Winner takes it all*

2012-01-29T14:36:00.000Z

Nothing hurts so much as being so close. Nothing can compare to the felling of having it right there in front of us and not being able to grasp it. Never second place felt so wrong. They won’t get it, the feeling of lost when you’ve come such a long way and defeated so many obstacles along the way. It may be perceived as weakness but it’s just passion. It may seem cockiness but truly it’s ambition. Yes, some other time this could have felt enough but not today. Not when you were so close, not when you had it right there and it just slipped between your fingers, not when you feel that you could have had it, not when you could already taste it.

It hurts. The effort, the excitement, the hope… all vanish. In less than 15 seconds you go from the highest level of delight to the lowest of disappointments. The tears are real. The pain is real. It’s inexplicable, most likely unreasonable but definitely real. No matter what anyone else tells you. No matter how you try to rationalize it and convince yourself. No matter if your head recognizes that even if you didn’t win you’ve still done so great your heart will be crushed.

And people won’t get it. No, if you’ve never been there. If you’ve never felt this strongly about something you’ll never get it. It may seem shallow, silly even but if you’ve been there you’ve know it’s real. You fell physically sick. Those butterflies in your stomach are now gone and all you fell is a big whole inside your heart. Support may feel good but it won’t help. You just have to suck it up. You’ll have to mourn. You’ll need time to painfully go over every tiny second of it. You’ll need time to blame yourself for what went wrong, to hate yourself for what you haven’t done. You’ll struggle, you’ll fight to take it out of your head and eventually you’ll be able to settle. Eventually you’ll come to terms with it. The pain will start to fade and you’ll be able to see it’s not the end of the world. Hopefully you’ll learn from it, you’ll grow up, it will make you stronger and tougher. There’s no point in everybody else try to push you to overcome it, to force you to be proud of what you’ve accomplished. You have to do it when you’re ready. You’ll get there. At your own pace. No need to rush it.

* Tittle by Abba

Inspiration

2012-01-28T10:26:00.005Z

Inspiration is everywhere. In the music I can't get out of my head. In the people that cross me in the streets. It’s in every show I watch, in every character I meet. Inspiration it’s here and there. It haunts me and yet I can't seem to find it when I’m craving it. Inspired about what I don’t want to think about. Inspired about what I can’t help to see in my dreams. Inspiration. Streams of thoughts running through my mind. Frantically trying to find its way out. Desperately trying to make sense. Letters, words, sounds, feelings. My mind running 200 miles/hour. My hand working hard, unsuccessfully trying to keep up to the rhythm of my thoughts. My brain exhausted, wondering if it will ever going to stop, or at least slow down. The ambiguous feeling of wanting some rest and wishing it never comes.

Let me be

2012-01-27T10:23:00.000Z

“I’ve just spoke to your teacher.”

“What did she say?” – Laura asked.

“She said that you’re doing great.”

“I am” – Laura agreed.

“She told me you’ve picked up in school, that you’re grades are great” – Lilly said.

Laura nodded with a smile.

“She said that you’ve seem to have overcome what happened very naturally, that you seem peaceful and calm.” – Lilly continued.

“See sis? I told you I was okay.”

“Yeah, you did” – Lilly concurred – “She also told me that you’ve reach out to Sam…” - she added.

“Well” – Laura gasped - “I will, I didn’t have to time yet but…”

“And that you’ve joined a new team…” – Lilly continued.

“I…” – Laura sighted caught in her own lies, not knowing what to say.

“Look, I don't mind that you lie to your teacher. I don’t care that you lie to everybody, and try to convince them you're okay.” – Lilly told her.

“But I am!” – Laura promised.

“You’ve completed every homework you had until the end of the year. You’ve read every book and watched every movie we had available at home. You’ve already cleaned the apartment twice this week and not once you’ve ask help to do it. You’ve been to every one of my dance classes and did not miss one party or gathering this month.” – Lilly listed.

“So, I’ve organized myself. I’m a good sister and I like to hang out with my friends. Why are you making it sound like a bad thing?”

“You’ve been overworking, overstudying, overhelping, overpartying…” – Lilly stated

“C’mon…”

“Listen, I’m not here to lecture you.” – Lilly guaranteed – “I just want you to promise me something.” – she added.

Laura waited for her to continue.

“You may go weeks, months even, believing that you're fine, deceiving yourself. You'll start to believe that is all good, that you've regain control. And then you'll have a bad day...” – Lilly said.

Laura was about to deny it when Lilly concluded – “Just let me know when you do.”

“I will.” – Laura promised, happy that for once someone was not trying to force her to be okay – “I will.”

Switching up

2012-01-25T06:20:00.002Z

Hello lovies,

Let’s switch things up a little bit today.

So, you know how some of you have told me that you come here regularly even if you’re quiet and don’t comment? Well it’s time to step up because I need a little favor from you.

There’s this little challenge I’m considering taking and I’d like your input about it… It’s pretty simple, basically all I’d like to ask you is: when you read the sentence "Feel special - being special" what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Don’t overthink, don’t need to elaborate. I’m just looking for some genuine ideas, and feelings.

If you're shy and you don’t want to share your thoughts publicly just send me a Private Message on Facebook or leave an anonymous comment, but please help me out, I know you’re all a bunch of inspired people!

Thank you y’all

What’s on your mind?

2012-01-24T02:47:00.002Z

What’s on your mind are you aware,

Of every thought you ever had?

What’s on your mind, can you explain?

The oddest things it’s so arcane…

What’s on your mind can you push away,

Those words you wish they never said?

What’s on your mind, is that so hard,

To find a reason beyond all that?

What’s on your mind can you acknowledge

Forget the fears and just be honest?

What’s on your mind it should be so easy

To figure out what is inside.

What’s on my mind?

A bunch of thoughts. Lose ideas and crazy feelings.

What’s on my mind? My most truthful feature the only one I cannot filter.

Special Moments

2012-01-20T05:28:00.001Z

Special moments are not those you plan in advance but the ones that happen inadvertently. There’s nothing better than a relax chitchat with the girls, some laughs over dinner with some friends, making fun of yourself with your co-workers.

Plans are overrated. And because you raised expectations it’s often that you’re disappointed. Best things in life happen when you’re not expecting them. It’s the small things rather than the big events that make your day.

Is that cute “good morning” text message, that smile from someone you’re passing on the street, that kiss from the kids, that hug from someone special, that uncontrollable laugh when you’re remembering silly stuff from the past…

We’re unsatisfied by nature, we want more and more. We’re always looking for happiness. But we often forget that these glimpses of happiness are the best we can get.

I love it when I’m doing something trivial and I sudden realize how happy I’m actually are at that moment. That’s the beauty of life, that’s what makes everything interesting, the fact that you cannot predict what’s going to happen or how you’ll feel about it.

There will be days you feel like crap. Weeks when you’ll doubt if anything will ever make you smile again. But at its own pace these little events will make you shine again.

Operation let’s build a house/Operação fazer uma casa

2012-01-18T09:40:00.009Z

(Nota: For the english version please scroll down)

Operação fazer uma casa

Olá gente,

Este é mesmo muito importante que lessem... pleeeeeease. =) Beijos, Fi

Como muitos de vocês sabem regressei recentemente de uma viagem a Moçambique, onde fui visitar o meu pai.

Durante a minha estadia lá tive a oportunidade não so de visitar sitios fantásticos e disfrutar das mais belas vistas como também de conhecer alguns habitantes locais. Entre eles conheci a família da Júlia.

A Júlia começou a construir a sua casa há 7 anos, contudo, a morte do marido e salário de cerca de 100€/mês tornam terminar esta obra um trabalho impossível para esta mãe solteira de 37 anos com três filhos (Noélia 13, Boavida, 11 e Cátia 9 anos).

O meu pai e o seu sócio concordaram já em pedir orçamentos e tencionam ajudá-la a rebocar a casa (que para quem como eu não está familiriarizado com estes termos basicamente significa terminar o isolamento das paredes) e colocar janelas para pelo menos manter a chuva e o frio do lado de fora, contudo, há ainda muito a fazer. As condições da pequena habitação são escassas sendo que de momento não possui sequer casa de banho ou cozinha.

Depois de conhecermos esta fantástica familia e o local onde vivem, eu e a minha mãe pensámos que entre familiares e amigos talvez pudessemos ajudá-los a terminar a sua casa.

Sei que há imensas familias em situações semelhantes e que infelizmente jamais seremos capazes de ajudá-las a todas, mas porque não começar por onde conseguimos chegar?

Também sei que em tempos de crise todos nós estamos apertados e a falta de dinheiro é geral, mas quando somos confrontados com estas realidades tão piores que as nossas por vezes chegamos à conclusão que se calhar ainda conseguimos fazer mais um esforço para ajudar alguém que precisa mais.

Talvez nem todos possam contribui ou ate já contribuam para outras causas, mas se estiverem interessados e puderem ajudar seria muito importante!

O que estamos a fazer de momento é juntar os contributos numa conta bancária portuguesa que criámos especificamente para este efeito, para evitar os custos das transações e da próxima vez que o meu pai vier a Portugal, consoante o valor recolhido ou ele leva o dinheiro ou faremos então uma só transferência para o banco de lá.

Banco: Montepio Geral

NIB: 0036 0001 991 00068244 49

Falem com pais, filhos, familiares, amigos e todos aqueles que vocês acharem que podem contribuir, tudo será bem vindo, independentemente do valor. Se por acaso alguém não tiver conta e quiser contribuir contactem-me.

De momento não tenho ainda informação dos orçamentos pedidos, mas quando me forem enviados posso partilhar com quem estiver interessado.

Para mais informações ou esclarecimento de dúvidas deixem um comentário em baixo ou enviem-me um mail para filipa15@hotmail.com.

Novidades 14.Fevereiro: Com €200 fizemos a instalação eléctrica em toda a casa. Próximo passo começa para a semana e é a colocação da janelas. Ainda não recolhemos dinheiro suficiente para tudo por isso continuem a partilhar e ajudar.

Obrigada!

Operation let’s build a house

This is a really important one, so pleeeeeeease, take a few minutes to read it. =) Thanks, Fi

As most of you know I just came back from a trip to Mozambique where I went to visit my dad.

While there I had the chance not only to visit the most amazing places and enjoy some lovely views, but also to meet some local people. Among them I met Julia’s family.

Julia started to build her house 7 years ago. However, her husband’s death and the $127/month income make it impossible for this single mom of three to finish her house. Julia’s children are now 13, Noélia, 11, Boavida and 9, Cátia.

My dad and his partner have already agreed to request some budgets and intend to help her finish the walls and put up the windows to at least keep the rain and cold outside. Still there’s so much more to do… the small house has little conditions and at the moment doesn’t even have a bathroom or a kitchen.

After meeting this amazing family and the place where they live, my mother and I started to think that between family and friends maybe we could find a way to help them finish their home.

I’m aware that there are a lot of families in this situation and that unfortunately we will never be able to reach them all. But why not start with the ones that we can reach?

I also know that these are not the easiest times and that everybody is suffering from lack of money. But I figure that when confronted with realities so worse than ours sometimes we find out that we are still able to make one more effort to help someone that needs more than ourselves.

Maybe not all of you will be able to help. Or maybe some of you already help different causes, but if you’re interested, able and willing to help that would mean a lot!

What we’re doing at the moment is gathering the money in a Portuguese account (since most of our friends live in Portugal) that we created specifically for this, so we can avoid the transactions costs. I would open an account in each of your countries if I could, but of course that’s not possible still I hope that doesn’t discourage you to help. If you have any other ideas on how you could send your contribute please suggest away.

Bank: Montepio Geral

IBAN: PT50 0036 0001 991 00068244 49

Next time my dad comes to Portugal, according to the amount of collected money he will either take the cash with him or we will transfer it to an account in Mozambique paying the transaction costs only once. Update! We've created a Paypal account, this should make things easier and less expensive. You'll find the Paypal button on this blog, on the top left side.

Talk to your parents, kids, friends, relatives and everybody that you believe can help. Every donation will be welcomed, no matter how big or small.

At the moment I still don’t have the information about the budgets requested. But once they are sent to me I can share them with however is interested.

For questions or more informations please leave a comment below or email me at filipa15@hotmail.com.

UPDATE: 14.February - With €200 we've concluded the electrical installation in the entire house. Next step, put up some windows. Work will start next week and we still don't have enough money for the whole thing, so please continue sharing and helping.

Thanks!

Does size matter?

2012-01-16T15:24:00.000Z

How can something so little cause so much damage?

I mentioned in my last post I wasn’t doing too well… they finally figured out what was causing my pain and apparently was this tiny tiny little stone that was installed on my kidneys. I was relief to be feeling better but at the same time I was astonished that something so little could be responsible for all the pain I was feeling. And that got me thinking…

We like to think huge, to be big, we keep on believing that we have to be giant to make a difference. But we’re so wrong.

A tiny little rock on an engine, a micro virus inside a body, a drop of acid in the wrong place… there are so many ways things can go wrong not because something massive happened, but because the smallest detail didn’t went according to our plans.

Little things are underrated in pretty much everything we do.

We can’t change the world but we can change what’s around us. And maybe by doing that will end up inspiring someone else to do it too and that’s how we’ll make a difference. We don’t have to do it all on our own. We just have to find a starting point, something that we feel passionate about, and then find little things we can do to improve it. Don’t thing too big, don’t aim too far. You’ll desperate, you’ll feel frustrated. Start small, let it flow, and see where it takes you. We can’t be afraid to fail. We are in a privilege situation, some people deserve that we at least give it a try. We have to believe the people around us. Believe that we’ll be surprised, that we’re not alone and that they’ll help us making a difference.

A new project it's on its way and will be coming very very soon. I hope I can count with everybody’s help, I’ll really need it for this one. I’ll keep you posted ;) keep coming back.

Pain

2012-01-14T12:06:00.000Z

Pains swipes down. No matter how in control you usually are. How independent. How self-sufficient. When you’re in crawling in pain you’ll beg for someone to come and take it away.

Those are the moments I envy people who have faith. Who can pray to someone or something and believe it’s going to help them… I don’t have that, so with a needle in my arm and screeching in pain I found myself talking to a bottle of medicine begging it to please work, to please make its magic. Quite insane I’m aware.

But I’m too rational, even in the craziest scenarios I am, I can’t help it. So while I was in crying in pain I was telling to myself “shake it off, I’m sure there are pains so much stronger than that!”. Which it’s true, but at the same time at that point I didn’t really care, I just wanted it to stop.

These are also the moments I regret to have lost the innocence of a child. It’s so much easier when you’re a kid, and your mom tells you you’re going to be fine, and you believe her. Because she knows best, after all she’s a mom. But then you grow up and you’re aware that no matter how magical and grand parents may seem they don’t do miracles. Now, you’re aware that even if they’re giving you something for the pain it’s not going to work right away, you still have to wait until it actually gets to your system. And again, I’m good at being rational. So, if someone tells me “You’re going to be in excruciating time, but after 40 minutes the drugs will kick in and you’ll feel better” I can hold it together. I can process it in my mind and endure the pain, because I know it’s going to stop in 40 minutes. It’s the not knowing that desperate me. So when I’m holding it together for 40 minutes and then nothing changes… then I start losing it.

And it’s crazy because I was hurting before, a non-related pain. And I felt like crap. But then this came and all I could think was “please I prefer the other one, just take this one, and give me back the previous pain”. It’s so silly… because you feel powerless. I’m not usually that sensible. I rarely cry and I think I can tolerate pain quite well but damn… sometimes you just feel like a baby. Forget about keeping it together and be strong… you just want to cry and have someone fix it.

Good lesson I’ve learned from this experience? Maybe I’ll want to give birth someday. Allow me to explain: though I’m sure being a parent must be the most incredible experience in the world, delivering a baby was never very appealing to me… but according to the nurse that saw me yesterday, a lot of women have claimed that they prefer the pain of delivering a baby than to experience the pain I was suffering… so you see, you always take something from every experience ;)

Mean or just sad?

2012-01-12T13:08:00.002Z

Some people are just mean... I hate to say this but I was listening to this guy yesterday and I couldn’t help but think that.

Some people appear to be only happy when they’re criticizing or complaining about something or someone.

He wasn’t talking at me, I don’t even think we realized I was listening to him but no matter how I tried I couldn’t ignore his comments.

I’m not writing specifically about him. It was just a trigger. I’ve been thinking about writing about this for a while but I just wasn’t sure if it was worth it. The truth is that unfortunately this guy is not the only one… There are a lot of people just like him.

I get that people have different tempers, different personalities and that you cannot like everybody, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be so unpleasant. I hear comments sometimes and I wonder how people can think that it’s okay to say those things. It’s impossible they don’t realize it’s hurtful, isn’t it? So… do they just don’t care?

There are people I don’t like too. Some with reason, some I just can’t explain. But I get that they are still people, that they have feelings and that it’s not right to hurt them just because we don’t like them. Because it doesn’t make me feel better in any way. Even if I don’t care about someone I’m not happier if they’re down… that’s a concept I don’t get.

I used to get really mad about this people. I would. Because sometimes you see people that are so good being target of all this hate for no apparent reason. But now I just feel sorry for them because I came to the conclusion that you have to be really sad… You have to be really sad, and lonely and insecure to feel the urge to push everybody down. So I feel sorry that that’s the only way these people can enjoy their life.

They may win some battles… They can push people down and be on the top for a while but in a long run they won’t make it. They won’t , because it will never be enough.

The people they target will get stronger, because they have friends to back them up. They have people who truly care about them. And they, the ones who are full of hate and envy, will always be in that vicious circle, looking for someone else to bully or bullying just everyone. They’ll crave for true happiness but they won’t find it, not before they realize that they have to focus on themselves rather than on everybody else. Not before they understand that when you’re really superior or better in anything you don’t feel the need to crash nobody to rise to the top, it will happen naturally.

A (big) small change

2012-01-09T22:58:00.003Z

When I first started publishing I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to do it. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of sharing my thoughts. It was too literal, too personal. At that time only a couple people knew about the blog and wouldn’t even sign with my real name. I don’t think I even wanted people to read my stuff. Or at least not people I knew. I even abandoned the blog for a few years, because I figured that was no point in carry it on if it didn’t feel right.

Then one day, for no reason I just felt the urge to bring this back to life. I still wasn’t quite sure if it was just a momentary thing but I went along and did it anyway. I started to write again, to publish and not only that but to actually share the blog with people I knew.

The feedback has been pretty positive… I keep getting comments from people I would never imagine would enjoy or even read what I write. “Inspiring words”, a friend told me the other day. Someone that I had absolutely no idea that used to visit this blog but that apparently was a frequent visitor (btw shout out to C.P).

I’ve learn that it’s not such a big deal. I still have all the control. If it’s too personal then I won’t publish it. I’ll share only the thoughts I feel comfortable sharing. I also learned that you can’t take yourself too serious. Well… I’m still working on that one, but I’m trying… I over-analyze every single aspect in my life so in here I don’t want it to be perfect. I don’t need it to be perfect. So I try my best to publish my writing as raw as possible. I want it to be genuine, as close as possible to what I think.

The reason I’m telling you all that is because today I was thinking and I realize that it doesn’t make sense I sign my posts as “Kathleen” anymore. The ones who know me already know I’m the author anyways, and for the ones who don’t it doesn’t really matter. So just so you know, for now on I’ll be posting with my real name.

2012-01-05T23:47:00.001Z

"Where is he?" – he asked watching her arriving alone.

"He is not coming back" – she replied.

"Are you okay?" – he inquired worried.

"I’m fine" – she said appreciating his concerns but not wanting to go deeper into it.

"It doesn’t bother you that he’s staying?" – he insisted.

"No" – she sighed - "I desperately needed a breather. It just wasn’t working anymore. It was becoming unbearable."

"You don’t really mean that."

"The sad thing is that I do…" - she confessed looking down.

"So, you won’t miss him?..."

The last thing she wanted to do was talking about it, but he wasn’t about to let it go, so she explained - "I will, I already do. But I was missing him already when he was still here [silence] He’s just not the same anymore. Sometimes you just have to face it and let it go. This may be a good thing. Maybe he’ll find himself, turn his life around" – she added not even convincing herself.

"Do you believe that?" – he asked realizing that.

"It doesn’t matter what I believe…"

"So… you don’t?" – he insisted.

"Everyday I hope to be wrong" – she admitted.

"And if you’re not…?"

"This could end so bad… or worst, it may never end at all" – she said, finally confessing her biggest fear.

"Isn’t there anything we can do?"

[silence] "I ran out of ideas" – she finally said, though failure was hard to admit.

"So what? We just sit here and wait?" – he asked desperately wanting to help her.

"I guess."

"I hate that."

"At this point I don’t think we have a choice."

"But, why? I don’t get it!"

"Trust me babe, I really wish I had the answer to that one."

Music

2012-01-04T21:02:00.002Z

As the time went by…

Spice Girls taught me that I “Gotta keep it strong before the pain turns into fear”

Britney Spears taught me that “People can take everything away from [me] but they can never take away [my] truth”

Anastacia taught me that “Time keeps running away no matter what's left behind it keeps on moving”

The Corrs taught me that “Love breaks and love divides, Love laughs and love can make [me] cry”

Xutos & Pontapés taught me that “O que foi nao volta a ser mesmo que muito se queira”

Girls Aloud taught me “If you love somebody don’t ask why”

Stephen Schwartz taught me that “getting [my] dreams it's (…) complicated [because] there's a kind of a sort of… cost”

James Morrison & Nelly Furtado taught me that sometimes “forgive (…) it’s not enough to make it all okay”

Bethany Joy Len taught me that “If I cry a little, and die a little at least I know I lived…”

Idina Menzel taught me that “If this is the moment I stand here on my own (…) I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave”

Jonathan Larson taught me that “There’s only us, there’s only this forget regret, or life is yours to miss”

Nicole Scherzinger taught me that I’ll “make it there to the place where reality and dreams, and love will be together”

R.E.M taught me not to let myself “go because everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes”

Queen taught me that “The Show must go on” and that “It's not easy (…) but [we’ve] got friends [we] can trust”

Eminem taught me that “You only get one shot (…) opportunity comes once in a lifetime”

Charles Chaplin taught me to “Smile through [my] pain and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow [I’ll] see the sun come shining through”

Linkin Park taught me that “Time is a valuable thing”

Mariah Carey taught me that “There's a hero if [I] look inside [my] heart”

Journey taught me “Don’t stop believing”

Alexandra Burke taught me that I shouldn’t “Let the silence do the talking”

Tim Rice taught me that “Nothing is so good it lasts eternally” and to “Never make a promise or plan [and] take a little love when [I] can”

Madonna taught me that “Life is a mystery”

Bono taught me that “We get to carry each other”

Glee taught me that “I just have to stay and face my mistakes”

Cheryl Cole taught me that “Knowing too much can get [me] hurt”, Not to “believe the things [I] tell [myself] so late night [cause I’m my] own worst enemy and [I'll] never win the fight” and that “everything that’s worth have it is sure enough worth fighting for, quitting is out of the question, when it gets tough [I] gotta fight some more”

So basically…. Music just taught me how to live my life.

Is it?

2012-01-04T01:29:00.000Z

Is it still racism when you tend to like someone just because of their origin? If it is then I’m guilty of it… ‘cause gosh how I love African people (or African descendants)!

Nelsito - Mozambique 2011

I’ve always had this thing for black people. Can’t explain when it started or why it happens but truth is they just allure me. My friend, whose family is from Cape Verde, always says that I was born the wrong color. She claims that no matter how pale my skin is on the outside, on the inside I am as black as she is.

Obviously I know we can’t generalize but I’m telling you. You’ll introduce to someone black and 90% chances are that I’m going to like them.

It’s funny because when I look around me I realize that some of the most important people in my life have some fort of African blood in their veins. So now I wonder… Do I love them because their black? Or did I learn to love black people because the ones that I have in my life have always been so special?

Anyways… They are absolutely gorgeous. The women are stunning. Even without make up or fancy dresses they still manage to look great. The man have some nice features and are quite charming as well. And the children…. Cute, cute, cute (even more than all the others that are already utterly cute)! Yes I’m bias, but still… I just want to bring them all home!

I’m telling you, being in Africa at the moment is constant temptation.

Pure beauty

2012-01-02T06:52:00.000Z

Mozambique 2011

Mozambique 2012

The beauty around us almost makes us forget everything that goes around in this crazy world. Worries, madness, stress, all of it is put aside when you’re surrounded by the overwhelming beauty of Nature.

Man has come a long way. Learned to build amazing infrastructures and develop incredible technologies but he is still unable to beat Nature.

The shapes, the colors, the simplicity. Pure perfection. We try to capture it with photos and videos but no matter how great they are they are never good enough.

The simple pleasures of life. When a breath taking view is all you need to make your day. We should all have a little bit of this pureness in our everyday life. It makes you lighter, calmer… happier. It’s not always on your face, it’s not always that easy to find but beauty is everywhere. So let’s take a moment to learn to find it. To enjoy what we have… for free.

Mozambique 2011

We have it sooooo easy.

2011-12-30T14:00:00.000Z

Mozambique 2011

Boy every once in a while we need a good wake up call. Not that we don’t know what’s happening in the rest of the world but it’s easy to pass it all to second plan when we have our everyday worries. How can it be? How can we all live under so different circumstances? How is that fair?

You see it everyday… in the news, in the papers, but being here, in loco, it’s when you really see it. When you really get how lucky you are and how much you have. Those little things that you take for granted…

These people make it with so little… and they don’t complain. They work hard, they do what they have to do. What I like the most is that they look happy. They are extremely gentle, polite and very sweet. The moms are incredible tender with the kids, no matter how many or how old they are. I also like how some things don’t change. The kids still love to play and ask for computers when you question them what they’d like for Christmas. The teenage girls still fight for the pretty pink short shots and cute tank tops. The moms still ask for a minute so they can put themselves together and look nice for the picture.

Mozambique 2011

Then of course there’s the rest… When you see that you don’t need a mansion, just a house that doesn’t leak or rain in. That you don’t need a spa, just a bathroom with an actual toilet and shower. That you don’t need a chef, just a kitchen with a stove and some food. And when you remember that you used to complain about your pay check and you know now a widow mother of 3 living with 75€/month… Or when you see how much of a difference €10 could make in the monthly budget of these families… It’s hard. We really need to put it into perspective.

Mozambique 2011

This is not meant to make you feel guilty (even though I have to confess I do), it is the way it is and you can’t feel guilty for what you have, you just have to try to find ways to help the people with more needs. Ways to give back.

There’s so much we can learn from them. How to be grateful, how to enjoy life no matter what.

We will get lost in our problems. No matter how insignificant they may seem against world poverty. And that’s all right, because the truth is that’s our reality and that’s what affect us directly. I just want to try to make sure that I don’t forget this other world. I know that even though we wish we could save them all, we can’t. So I just want to make sure that I stay focus so that I’m able to do my part too.

Friendship has no age

2011-12-28T06:30:00.002Z

Hey peeps, sorry I've been MIA, too much to do in little time. Anyway, I'm back and I see that we've passed now the 2000 visits, so Thank You! =)

Friendship has no age, no logic, no reason. You assume someone is too immature because they’re young. You assume someone is boring just because they’re old. But you might be surprised.

Friendship is defined by tastes, values, principles, ideologies, likes and dislikes and a whole lot of other things but age is definitely not one of them. Because no matter how old (or young) a person is they’ll always bring something into your life, something you can learn.

We often underestimate the young, but there is so much they can teach us if we just give them a chance. You watch them struggle like you struggled, you see them falling, like you fell. You see them making the very same mistakes you’ve done too… the difference is, they’ll do them their way. If you let it, you’ll be inspired by the way they are able to cope with what you were not. You’ll try to be for them that refuge you always missed when you were their age and felt so lonely and misunderstood. You’ll be protective and proud and forgive them if they slip, like a true friend does.

Friendship is a funny thing. It is not a thing of reason, it’s about that “click”, that feeling, something that allures you to the other person. You’ll find yourself attached to the most unlikely people, and that’s what makes it so special… the fact that on-one can explain it.

Your role in a friendship may differ according to the age difference between you and the other person, but that happens with everything. Different people will need and will give you different things.

Friendship has no age limit and having friends from a wide age ranges gives your life an interesting twist. It allows you to see the world from different points of view. It allows you to go back to your childhood and teenage years’ dilemmas and analyze them in a more mature way. It gives you the opportunity to get a glimpse of what you troubles will look like in a few years. You’ll have a bit of that childish genuinely that you miss so much, without losing the experience and wisdom you hope someday you’ll reach.

Friendship is a good thing, a great thing, and to me it doesn’t matter how much younger or older I am than the other person as long as I find something that they can bring into my life and that there’s (hopefully) something special I can take into theirs.

P.S – I was writing this and two people crossed my mind as good examples of what I’m talking about, my dears Raquel and Annie.

Note to self

2011-12-22T10:59:00.001Z

San Diego - December 2010

Do not freak out

Do not break down

Take a breath

Take a moment to yourself

Separate

Filtrate

Learn to let it go

Learn to walk away

Perfection is unreachable,

Face it!

It’s a vicious circle

The more you let it get to you

The worse job you’ll do

There’s no point

The stress won’t take you anywhere

Just hang on

Hold on just a little bit more

It’s almost over

You’re almost done

Just hold it together a tiny bit longer

It’s not worth it

I promise you’ll see it too

When it’s all over

You’ll look back and understand

There are much more important things to worry about

You got to get used to it

You have to face it

You will fail

You will fall down

You will screw things up

Everybody does

It is not a big deal

It happens

It’s life!

So toughen up

Learn to fall

Don’t let that humiliation feeling take over

Don’t let the tiny things push you down

You feel embarace

But chances are

No-one else is even watching

So take it slow

Just relax

And let yourself go

Christmas Spirit

2011-12-19T10:23:00.000Z

As you probably can tell by now, I’m mostly a rational person. I have a hard time taking things as they came without questioning them or trying to deconstruct them. I find it hard to understand what has not logical or explanation. I always need a reason for things. That’s just how I am. Regarding Christmas however I have different opinion… I like this time of the year. I’m not a religious person or someone who particular cares about its history but I like how people’s moods change during this time of the year. It’s illogical it has absolutely no explanation and still I like it!

I enjoy walking around on the streets or going inside the stores and always having that Christmassy music playing. I like how everything seems a little bit cozier, how everyone seems warmer and relax. I love that you tend to remember the special people in your life and how we usually try to present them with something nice.

This shouldn’t happen only once a year. We should appreciate the ones we care throughout the year. We should be able to transport this feeling to our everyday life. But we don’t. Most of us will never be able to fully do it. It might sound cynical or shallow to do it only this time of the year, but I believe that most of the times it is felt. People just lose their way, they get suck into the everyday rush. They keep postponing that phone call, that gift, that special word that they wanted to give to someone. So I think that it’s important that we have, at least once a year, a season to remind us about what really matters. That’s what Christmas is to me… it’s that time of the year that you take a moment to look back and to make people feel special.

A. & C. - 2001

To me it doesn’t really matter what your religion is or what exactly you’re celebrating. To me it’s all about the spirit. For me Christmas is about family. Not just your blood relatives but those you love. It’s about tradition, it’s about memories. I’m not going to lie… to me Christmas is about the presents too. Those little Arts & Crafts the little ones made for you, that postcard that you unexpectedly receive on your mail box, that special treat that someone gives to you. Yes, it’s about that too, because the idea behind it all is to show that you care, those are attempts to make someone feel happier. And I stand by that principle. So even if it’s just once a year… who cares? It’s better than not have it at all.

Parenthood

2011-12-18T00:59:00.003Z

Parenthood is a job for life.

Gilmore Girls (2000-2007)

It’s not something you can go into light weighted, thinking “If I feel different later… it doesn’t matter”. When you become a parent you have to be aware that that’s a decision that doesn’t affect only you. You have to be sure whether or not you are willing and ready to jump in on that train.

You have your dreams as a parent. You hope for all the joy, wish to share those special moments, and those are the factors that usually tend to make you want to go further with the idea. But parenthood is not just about that, oh no, there’s so much more… There’s the pain and the fear, the doubts… so many doubts. How to be sure you’re taking the right choices, making the right calls? How to be certain what’s best for someone when you’re still trying to figure out what’s best for yourself?

Becoming a parent is (should be) a conscious decision. Not everybody is cut to be a parent and that’s allright. People should not be ashamed to admit that. It’s hard work… It’s hard work like no other relationship was or will ever be. And the reason for that? You already start in disadvantage, because no matter what they do or say, or how tired you are... it doesn’t matter how many times you’ll promise to yourself, you won’t be able to let it go. How could you? How could you ever give up on your baby?

But it’s tough… oh it’s so tough. Sometimes it gets to a point that you’re completely lost. Eventually you’ll run out of ideas and all the others that said that would help you will at some point lose their patience and walk away, but you’ll be stuck with it.

I don’t want to be negative, I just think it’s important that we realize what we’re getting into and that it doesn’t always go the way we’ve planned.

You’re never quite ready for it. No matter how many books you’ve read, how many people you talk to, how many kids you already raised… there will always be that moment when you have no clue what to do. And that’s scary… it’s scary to know that you may get to a point where you have no idea how to guide the person you love the most.

There are no absolute answers, no right or wrong, there are a lot of grey areas and it’s difficult to juggle all that, plus the fact that you have a truly unconditional love for that person. And whatever happens, even if on the back of your mind you know that you’ve done all you could, you’ll always feel responsible and you’ll always wonder “What did I do wrong?”.

Most likely is that you’ll never figure it out… all you can do is wish for the best, do the best you can and hope you’ll get lucky.

So how is it going to be?

2011-12-15T23:38:00.000Z

Boy, please let’s fix this

I do want to you around

Let’s bring back the bliss

‘Cause I can’t stand this sound

I get caught in the middle

Of your incessant fights

I know you feel little at times

The truth is that you are fright

I don’t like this either

I don’t want to see you go

But I need to catch a breather

Cause like this we can’t go on

Can you even stop the lying?

I don’t know anymore

I can’t stand this yelling

But how can I ignore?

I had to stop, to even

Dare to hope you’d change

Wishing things were different

Will only make us strange

I hope we’ll get to that day

When I won’t have to doubt

Don’t wanna question all you say

Can’t you hallow your vow?

No matter how you try

Thought I hate to admit

I won’t say goodbye

No, I’m not ready to quit

Double standards

2011-12-14T04:33:00.000Z

There’s both an English and a Portuguese version of this post. For the English version please scroll down.

Algumas pessoas são boas a lidar com os outros o problema é que vacilam quando têm de lidar consigo mesmas. Por alguma razão inexplicável algumas pessoas desenvolvem estes ideais inalcansáveis e guiam-se por um padrão muito mais elevado do que alguma vez exigiriam àqueles que as rodeiam. São pessoas que não procuram a perfeição nos seus amigos ou amantes, que entendem que os seres humanos têm falhas e que no decorrer conturbado da vida é impossivel não tropeçar, não cometer erros. São elas que tentam procurar uma explicação, uma justificação para desculpar aquela acção mais duvidosa ou egoista. Essas pessoas sabem que uma relação não se resume a um momento, um instante em que foram ditas coisas sem pensar e onde se agiu de cabeça quente e com o coração na boca. Percebem que os nervos, as inseguranças, a raiva e até por vezes o simples facto de alguém estar tão confortável connosco faz com que descarregue em nós todas as suas frustrações pois sabe que nunca vamos deixar de estar a seu lado.

Estas pessoas, aparentemente compreensivas e flexiveis têm contudo uma visão totalmente diferente, talvez distorcida até, quando são elas o alvo da questão. Apesar de não serem elitistas nem se considerarem melhores que ninguém (antes pelo contrário) estas pessoas estabelecem critérios muito mais rigidos para si mesmas não se permitindo a erros nem pequenos vacilos. São pessoas tão obcecadas com a perfeição e tão atemorizadas com a ideia de cometer um erro, de falhar ou magoar alguém que põe uma pressão tão grande em si mesmas que quase as sufoca. Pessoas que se limitam, pelo receio de abdicar do controlo, que se focam nas suas pontuais falhas mais do que nos inúmeros sucessos. Pessoas que por mais que racionalmente percebam a ridicularidade deste fosso imenso, desta dualidade de critérios, continuarão sempre a julgar as suas acções de forma implacável e impiedosa.

Obrigada M. pela dica.

English Version

Some are great dealing with people… is just dealing with themselves that they find hard to.

For some crazy reason some people develop an unrealistic perception of what they must be and they guide themselves by these unreachable standards that they would never dare to demand from anyone else. These are people that do not look for perfection on their friends and lovers. People who understand that human beings have flaws, that it’s impossible that people don’t stumble at some point in this troubled life, that people are bound to make mistakes. They are the ones who always try to find and explanation that justifies that dubious or selfish action. They don’t hold grudges. They know that a relationship is much more than that instant when things that were not meant start to pour out of someone’s mouth. They understand that nerves, insecurities, rage and sometimes even just the fact of someone being so close, so comfortable with us, it’s enough to make them transfer to us all their frustrations because they know will always be by them side.

These apparently comprehensive and flexible people reveal however, a totally different, distorted even, perception when they are the ones in question. Even though they are not elitist or believe that they are somehow superior these people set much more rigid criteria for themselves allowing themselves not even the smaller mistake or quiver. They are so obsessed by perfection and so terrified of making a mistake or hurting someone that the pressure they put themselves under becomes smothery.

They can’t help but focus in where they fail, no matter how many times they have been great. Even if rationally they understand how senseless this all is, these people will never be able to give themselves a break or cut themselves some slack. They will be the ones banging their heads on the wall after everyone has forgotten what happen.

Thanks M. for the tip.

Special people

2011-12-13T07:05:00.001Z

You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart and now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine by being my friend...*

Some people are just special. They captivate others. They are genuine and pure and nice and spontaneous… and no, they are not perfect, they have flaws, they make mistakes but there’s something about them. Something you’re not quite able to put your finger on or explain. But it doesn’t matter anyway. Some people just have the gift of being incredible likeable. They don’t try to please everyone, but it just naturally happens. They don’t have to try to be funny or stand out because it will inevitably happen. Some people come into your live unannounced and when you notice them it’s too late… they already stole your heart. These people have no clue how great they are and how much their friendship brings to our life. Some people are so unbelievable irresistible that they can get even the most skeptical person to stand by them no matter what. It’s like if they could never do wrong enough to make you want to push them away. Sometimes there’s just that click and you know…. You know that no matter what life brings or what may happen between the two of you, or even if for some reason you grow apart, because of all that you have lived together, that person will always have a special place in your heart.

Happy Birthday sweetie J

*For Good – Wicked The Musical

Move On

2011-12-11T23:23:00.002Z

Don’t make me justify your every move, don’t want to have to question everything you do. Don’t play the victim ‘cause the blame is on you, I just need time to deal with what you’ve put me through*

Is it wrong that I want you to leave? Is it wrong that I want to preserve the old image of you? I don’t want us to be apart but what I want even less is to ruin the memory I have of you so I rather let you go. I rather let you go now before I start hating you. I still see you but I can’t reach you, you still have me but you can’t hear me. So go, get your fresh start. Go and find something that’s worth this change. But give it a chance. Truly try to make it work.

We tried to do it your way. We’ve tried and tried and you keep falling over and over again so what do you have to lose? What do we have to lose when all the communication is gone and all we have now is yelling?

We’re together but we’re not close anymore, and it hurts… it hurts so much not being able to get to you, to save you. Save you from yourself. What else do you need to get it? How many times do you need to crash before you understand that the path you’re choosing is not taking you anywhere?

So is it wrong to wish that you are gone? Is it selfish to want to be able to go home without having to think twice, without having to hope that you are not there so we can avoid one more fight? Is it wrong that I don’t want to watch you waste your life?

Because I care, I care more than I want to, but it’s killing us… killing us slowly and softly. I care because I love you. I still love you even though I hate you. I hate you because you make me want to push myself away when all I ever wanted was take care of you. I hate that you don’t see what you have here and that we could have faced it if we’d stick together. I hate that I can’t trust you, that I have to question everything you say and do.

And out of all you’ve done that’s what I hate the most…. I hate that you make me hate you!

* By Cheryl Cole – Didn’t I

Good memories: a blessing or a curse?

2011-12-11T02:10:00.000Z

It’s not the bad memories that make you hurt, but the good ones that you know you won’t get back.

No one enjoys a bad moment. Fights, breakups, misunderstandings, sickness, whatever it is, it arrives out of nowhere, takes you by surprise and devastates you. You’ll feel broken, scare to death and lose all hope. If it’s really serious (or if you’re a drama queen) it may seem the end of the world, like nothing else will be worth it, that you won’t be able to recover from it. But most times, after a while, when you are finally able to put things under perspective you see that once again you’ve surprised yourself and you made it through those rough times.

The day will come when you look back and it won’t be a big deal anymore, it won’t hurt or scare you like it did before because you grew up, moved on and found your way to overcome those obstacles.

Bad moments will come and go. The memory of them may remain but the pain will eventually start to fade and when you notice it you won’t feel it anymore.

Good memories on the other hand have the potential to haunt you your whole life. Good moments can be amazing. They can be the best thing in the world or the worse possible form of torture. When things go wrong in your life you hope for it to get better, but when you lose something that was perfect it’s difficult to believe you’ll find something else to meet those standards again.

Good memories can be fatal because they remind you what you’ve lost. You can try to ignore them and move on but, even if unconscientiously, you’ll always be comparing everything you live and experience to what you have lost.

You’ll wish to get to that place where you’ll genuinely be happy to have lived those moments but all you want is get them back.

Good memories have their place in life and eventually you’ll learn to cope with them but every once in a while you go back to those thoughts… and it will hurt knowing that you won’t get them back.

Own your opinion

2011-12-10T02:08:00.000Z

You have to stand up for your beliefs, stand up for your decisions, go with your gut and don’t let other people’s opinions force you to do something you don’t truly want.

It’s not always easy. People will disagree with you, will blame you for the results, try to push you down. So you have to be strong, be very sure of who you are and what your values are. You have to be certain of what made you take that road and understand that even if the outcome is not as you expected is still better that you follow your heart.

There will be opinions on everything, absolutely everything! From what you wear to what you think, from what you say to what you do and no matter how much you try, you’ll never be able to please everyone. So you better just go ahead and be true to yourself, at least if it doesn’t go as you planned you know you’ve tried, you’ve gave it your best and you’ve done it your way. It’s always easier to speak after the events have happened, when you have all the time and are aware of the consequences. It’s always easier to make a choice when you’re not emotionally involved.

So take relevant people’s opinions on board but don’t take criticism too serious. Don’t take yourself too serious. You’re bound to make mistakes. It’s life. So think it through the best you can with the information and the time you have on hands. Follow your instinct and just go with it. No second thoughts. Just do your best and let it go.

Questions

2011-12-09T04:06:00.000Z

“Life is more painless for the brainless. Why think too hard?”*

Questions, questions, questions. Insatiable doubts. About people, about life and feelings, emotions and thoughts. Doubts about how to act and when to react. When to fight and learn to let go.

Questions, so many of them, running like crazy through my mind. What will the future hold? Who will I meet? Who will I become?

Constant craving for answers wondering if we’ll ever truly know what’s wrong or right, what’s good or evil.

How? Why? When? What?

Questions about this and that, about everything and nothing. Questioning what makes sense and what doesn’t. What’s worth it and what’s not. Wondering if you’ll ever get your answers, wishing you could be like those who seem not to care.

*Dancing Through Life – Wicked The Musical

Cranky mode on

2011-12-08T00:58:00.001Z

I can’t do things without thinking and it’s killing me.

Just wish I could switch off my brain sometimes. Be able to filter what is worth and what is not.

I hate changes, I hate to fail and make mistakes, and I can’t get better if I don’t know what’s expected of me. I’m no machine, they can’t expect me to blindly follow non-sense rules.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, take it as it comes, no questions asked. It’s pointless, I know it’s pointless but it stresses me out because I need to understand the reason of things. I know I have to snap out of it, that I gain nothing in stressing about these sort of things, but I can’t help it. And that’s even more annoying… because I know I should know better than to let these things get to me and yet here I am… tonight I’m cranky and I know it.

É tão fácil

2011-12-07T01:56:00.000Z

É tão fácil falar… É tão fácil estar de fora a criticar. Tão mais simples ter uma opinião quando não estamos envolvidos, quando desconhecemos os factos e estamos despegados das emoções. É tão simples pôr as culpas nos outros e desvencilharmo-nos das responsabilidades... Apontar o dedo, fazer acusações, procurar bodes espiatórios e adulterar a realidade. Todos temos sempre uma palavra a dizer sobre tudo. Uma opinião, um comentário inofensivo, um conselho.

A introspeção é um trabalho árduo, desgastante e muitas vezes desvalorizado. Ninguém gosta de errar, por mais que nos tentemos convencer do contrário isso é uma ilusão. Todos temos o nosso orgulho e é muito dificil admitir que errámos. Tentamos encontrar desculpas, justificações que racionalizem e expliquem as nossas falhas porque custa ter de admitir que falhámos. Custa fazê-lo perante um público mas por vezes o mais dificil é mesmo o primeiro passo... Admiti-lo a nós mesmos.

É muito fácil ter opiniões, criticar e garantir que faríamos melhor, principalmente quando sabemos que a hipótese de sermos postos à prova é remota.

Worst thing about travelling

2011-12-05T14:38:00.003Z

Best thing about travelling? You have the opportunity to see places, find different cultures, meet new people.

Worst thing about travelling? You will meet people… People you will later miss when the time comes and you have to go back home!

Despite not being exactly a people person I’ve had the luck of meeting and grow closer to some amazing people while travelling. Accidental meetings in an airport after missing a flight, a training course after a terrible 10 hours trip on a train, the months in anticipation to finally find a perfect match for an interchange, the friends that become your family away from home.

You meet the most marvelous people in the most random situations. Who would have ever thought?

It just makes you wish the world was a bit smaller sometimes….

It’s been a year since I came back and though I’m loving being around everybody I missed while I was abroad I’ve to confess I also miss strolling around NYC with the lovelies Steph and Vickie, spending the days goofing around with my babies Ellie and Steve, going home to NJ and get that warm, cozy family feeling.

I’ve been so blessed to have the opportunity not only yo meet these people but to stay in touch with them… and those are the things you’ll remember no matter what. So even if it sucks to be away… Please travel, don’t waste your chance to meet incredible people too. It’s worth it!

Tonight

2011-12-04T01:55:00.002Z

Hug me. Don’t say a word.

Stay with me. Don’t ask me anything. I don’t wanna talk about it, no, I don’t even wanna think about it… About anything. I don’t wanna think at all.

Just hold me. Promise me everything is going to be all right. Lie to me if you have to, just make me believe, tonight I don’t care.

Pick me up. Please don’t say I have to shake it off and get over it. Not today, I’m not ready yet.

Just sit with me in this cold floor. Let me crash, wallow. I don’t wanna pretend I’m okay anymore. Please don’t ask me to be strong.

Don’t let go of my hand, of me. I’ll regret it in the morning. Won’t be able to look at you in the eyes, but still I’m begging you…

Don’t try to fix it. Fix me. I just need to feel that I have someone here. I’m not asking you the impossible, I’m not expecting you to make things right… I just want to feel that I’m not crazy, that someone else gets it too.

I thank you for all those times you came to me in tears. For sharing your pain with me and allow me to feel I had a purpose, but just for tonight can we switch roles? Just for this one day. I promise tomorrow I’ll get back to my strong persona, whom nothing can affect. But for now let me fall into your lap.

I’ll never tell you how much I need you. I’ll lie if you ask. But I wish you could see behind the smile… I really wish I hadn’t become so good at hiding what’s inside.

I know you want to help me, just don’t know how to get to me. I don’t know either… see, you get used to go it alone, on your own, and as alluring as it may be to try something else you’re stuck with what you know, because it’s safer.

I know I’ve pushed you away before but tonight I won’t fight. I’m too tired to resist, too exhausted to keep doing it.

Tonight I just want to be held, feel that someone cares…

No filter, no sense, just writing…

2011-12-03T02:38:00.000Z

I have thoughts so many of them. Feelings, doubts, emotions, held inside, buried deep, never allowed to be expelled. I have stories to tell, characters of this crazy little world of mine. Mildly obsessions, escapes, guilty pleasures that keep me sane.

I have this urge to find logic, a reason, something that can explain why things happen when they do, the way they do. I get caught up in the middle of other people’s problems, break ups, lives and in twisted selfish way I’m glad to be bored by them.

Expectations, high hopes, disappointment. The way you see yourself versus how everyone else perceives you are. Fear, insecurities, masks. Protecting myself from the unknown.

The constant craving of wanting what I never met, of wishing something I’m not even sure is real. Growing up, changing, understanding that there’s no point of moping your whole life.

Ideas, doubts, mess. There’s too much inside your head, too much to even make sense. Thoughts keep coming in, all the time, in a rush, how to get them? To process them? How to stop them?!

Compartmentalizing. When and how? Over filtering, over rationalization, overwhelmed with all that goes inside yourself. Wishing for a savior knowing you would never be able to trust enough let yourself go. Planning too far in advance, not being able to thoroughly enjoy the moment when your head is always 20 steps ahead. Butterflies in your stomach. Overactive thinking. Trying to force your brain to take a break and just shut off for a second.

Thinking and dreaming, always dreaming…

Don’t call me perfect

2011-12-01T02:12:00.001Z

I wish I could be that person,

Glamour February 2010

That illuminates your darkest night

I really hope it was all true,

That I truly had it in me

All that you insist to see

But why can’t you see babe

The greater you’ll think of me

The bigger fall we’re gonna have

And I just don’t want to disappoint you

So please listen when I tell you

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t think I’m better than I really am

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t raise your expectations

I will let you down

I wish you were right

And I was all that

But babe trust me when I say

The day will come when you’ll see

I’m not half the girl you thought I’d be

And when you say to me, darling

There’s nothing in me you don’t adore

No matter how I try I can’t ignore

That it won’t work if you won’t admit

And I don’t want you to ever quit

But I’m not all that you think I am, so

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t think I’m better than I really am

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t raise your expectations

I will let you down

I know you have good intentions

And I confess I love the trust

And all the passion that you show

But in the end it’s too much pressure

And I don’t feel that I can’t take it

So please I beg you

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t think I’m better than I really am

Don’t call me perfect

Don’t raise your expectations

I will let you down

Good people do stupid things

2011-11-30T02:07:00.000Z

Good people do stupid things, it’s a fact, they do. Things happen, people make mistakes, some might cost them what most important they had in their lives… Nobody’s perfect and even though sometimes it’s hard to cope with the disappointment, we have to step back and see if that’s really who they are or if it was just a slip. Good people make undeniable mistakes, they mess up, they hurt people along the way in ways that we can’t even explain… We can’t get it, probably never will. You’ll be wounded, feel cheated, let down, mad, and have all the right to have those feelings. But is that really who that person is?

I get it, after seeing a side of that someone that you never knew exist it’s confusing, and you wonder if everything else was a lie too. It’s hard to believe you’re talking about the same person and because you don’t want to feel that pain again it’s easier just to use your anger to try to eliminate all the good moments, focus only on the bad and walk away.

Maybe you should… But just because good people do stupid things that doesn’t mean they’re not good anymore. All the things that you loved before are still there is just a matter of weighting them to see what’s really important.

Good people are not those who don’t make mistakes, but the ones that admit their own and try to fix them. Good people are the one who have good heart and good intentions and even if they struggled at some point, they’ll do their best not to let it happen again.

Life is not about being perfect and never fail, it’s about learning from what went wrong in the past and try to be a better person in the future.

A Thank you Note

2011-11-28T15:17:00.000Z

In a rare exception today’s text is being posted in both languages (Portuguese and English). I’ve just reached de 1500 visits so I’d like to thank everybody who comes here regularly and explain you why I do it.

Numa rara excepção o post de hoje foi colocado em ambas as línguas (Português e Inglês). Atingi hoje as 1500 visitas e por isso queria agradecer a quem passa aqui regularmente e explicar-vos porque o faço. Nota: Se andarem para baixo, está disponivel uma versão do texto em Português.

Cyril Connolly said “It is better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self” but really, the best thing is when you can have both.

My whole life I’ve been inspired by these quotes, these lyrics, these episodes that seem so personal, so accurate, so right. It was like someone had got inside my head and just put into words everything that I was feeling that exact moment. It’s amazing. Very often we feel alone, like no-one could understand what we’re going through or how much it hurts. We think it doesn’t make sense, that we’re being silly, childish, crazy, naïve… we feel overwhelmed with the pain, the loneliness, wondering if it would ever go away. And as insane as it is these words do what sometimes our friends and our love ones can’t… they comfort us, they give us hope and make us understand that we are not the only ones feeling like that, because somewhere in this big world someone had the same feelings and decided to be brave enough to share them.

Maybe without even realizing these people touch our souls, without even knowing us they make a difference in our lives and help us to overcome the inevitable obstacles in life. It’s like they get it… they get us… what’s going on through our mind and our hearts, it’s uncanny but it’s real.

We tend to try to be perfect. We want to come across has strong and confident and a lot of times we don’t allow people we love to see who we really are because we’re afraid to let them down. Is not easy to strip down and bare your feelings, your thoughts, to someone else go through them. It’s hard, it’s embarrassing, sometimes it almost hurts, but I’m learning that sometimes the outcome it’s worth all that.

It took me a long time to be able to share my writing, almost 10 years… I could barely read my texts out loud… I didn’t think they would make sense to anyone else but me. I think the real turning point happened when I was watching an interview about this artist and she said that her whole life music had played an important role and that she felt like she was in a unique position to be able to touch someone’s else’s lives too now. And it got me thinking that maybe it was selfish to hold it all inside because if all those people that touched my life hadn’t had the courage to share their stories they would have never got to me and helped me. So, maybe it doesn’t make sense to a whole lot of people and maybe every once in a while it will sound silly to some, but I guess if it touches at least one person, than it is worth it.

And that’s why as long as I’ve people stopping by, commenting or simply reading my blog, and as long as I have something to write, I’m going to keep doing it. Because it does feel pretty good when someone comes to you and lets you know that you’ve made their day just a little bit brighter.

Versão Portuguesa

Cyril Connolly disse “é melhor escreveres para ti e não teres público do que escreveres para o público e perderes-te a ti mesmo”

Toda a minha vida fui inspirada por citações, letras de músicas, episódios que pareciam tão pessoais, tão certos. Como se alguém tivesse entrado na minha cabeça e posto em palavras tudo o que eu estava a sentir naquele exacto momento. É incrível. Muitas vezes sentimo-nos tão solitários, como se ninguém conseguisse entender o que estamos a passar ou o quanto dói. Achamos que não faz sentido, que estamos a ser infantis, inseguros, ingênuos ... a dor e a solidão tornam-se tão insuportáveis que nos perguntamos se alguma vez irão embora

É surreal como estas palavras conseguem fazer o que muitas vezes os nossos amigos e as pessoas de quem gostamos não conseguem... confortam-nos, dão-nos esperança e mostram-nos que não somos os únicos, porque algures neste imenso mundo houve alguém que sentiu o mesmo e teve a coragem de o partilhar.

Provavelmente sem se aperceberem, estas pessoas tocaram a nossa alma, sem nos conhecerm elas fizeram a diferença e ajudaram-nos a ultrapassar os obstáculos inevitáveis da vida. É como se compreendessem... Como se nos compreendessem... o que vai na nossa cabeça, no nosso coração. É sinistro, mas é verdade.

Temos a tendência para tentar ser perfeitos. Queremos mostrar que somos fortes e confiantes e muitas vezes não permitimos que as pessoas que estão à nossa volta vejam quem realmente somos porque temos receio de as desiludir. Não é fácil despireste de preconceitos e expores os teus sentimentos e pensamentos para que todos os vasculhem. É dificil, é embaraçoso às vezes quase que dói, mas estou a aprender que às vezes o resultado final compensa.

Demorei muito tempo a conseguir partilhar a minha escrita, quase 10 anos... Durante muito tempo quase que nem conseguia lê-la em voz alta... Sempre pensei que não faria sentido para mais ninguém. Acho que o momento em que realmente mudei de perspectiva aconteceu quanto estava a ver uma entrevista a uma artista e ela dizia que toda a sua vida a música tinha desempenhado um papel fundamental e que sentia que estava numa posição única por também ela ter agora a oportunidade de tocar a vida de outras pessoas. E isso fez-me pensar que no fundo talvez fosse um pouco esgoísta guardar tudo isto só para mim, porque se as pessoas que tocaram a minha vida não tivessem tido a coragem de partilhar as suas histórias elas nunca teriam chegado até mim e me ajudado. Por isso, talvez não faça sentido para muita gente, e de vez em quando pareça mesmo ridículo, mas acho que se tocar pelo menos uma pessoa, então valeu a pena.

E é por isso que enquanto tiver pessoas a visitar o blog, seja a comentar ou simplesmente a lê-lo, e desde que tenha algo para escrever, vou continuar a fazê-lo. Porque a verdade é que sabe muito bem quando alguém te aborda para te dizer que um dos teus posts tornou o seu dia um pouco melhor.

Dark moods

2011-11-27T03:08:00.004Z

Uncanny the people you identify yourself with sometimes. Or rather, how you see yourself so much in something they have said when you seem to have no resemblance with them. A few days ago I stumbled across this quote:

“I've always thought that I do have a number of issues that probably need dealing with, because I am quite odd in some ways. I get very dark moods for no reason. Nothing in particular brings it on. You can be having the best time of your life and yet you're utterly and totally miserable. I get very antisocial, depressed and irritable with people” (Simon Cowell)

And I was astonished, because it’s so right, so accurate, so perfect! I couldn’t have described it any better myself. Though I’m quite sure I share no similarities with Mr. Cowell personality there’s nothing out of place in that idea, every single word is exactly where it should be. And the idea of having someone with the exact same thoughts as you is both creepy and relief.

In our twisted, self-centered point of view we always think that what we’re feeling is so unique that no-one could ever understand. Often we feel like creeps… like we’re just passing by through this life where we don’t belong… knowing that we should be feeling things that we are not…

It’s bad enough to feel miserable because things are not going your way but it’s even worse when there’s no apparent reason for it. Because on top of it all you still have to deal with the guilt of having so much and yet not being satisfied. You are aware your life is in a good place and still out of nowhere these dark moods come and take over.

No matter how much you care about them, people around you become unbearably annoying. You have no patience to anyone. And once again the guilt seeks in a little bit deeper.

Because there’s no reason for it it’s hard to find a way out. You shut yourself in, alienate people and fall deeper into that dark side. It’s a vicious circle.

Rationally you know it’s non sense… but reason plays a very small part when it comes to emotions.

In the end it all comes to that

2011-11-23T23:40:00.002Z

"The worst thing someone can do to me is believe that I’m better than I really am" (15.Fevereiro.2008)

Curiously enough it’s all about

- Confidence;

- Self-awareness;

- Panic of failing;

- Fear of looking like a fool.

There’s no way around it. No matter where you go or what you do it all comes down to that. It’s going to follow you everywhere.

It doesn’t matter how good everyone thinks you are you don’t see it. No matter how many times you succeed you won’t get it. No matter how many people admire you you won’t be convinced. Even if rationally you know you should be able to believe in yourself, that theoretically you know that you should be able to do it you can’t push away the panic, the fear. You want to change, you wish you could, you promise yourself you will… But when the time comes you freeze.

Be brave. Exceed yourself. No-one ever succeeded before ever failing. Keep challenging yourself and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. You know the drill, you know all that and yet you can’t prevent feeling so scared.

When I look at some people I wonder if it feels as good as it looks to be so confident about yourself.

Embrace yourself

2011-11-22T05:48:00.000Z

You have to live with what you have. There’s no point of fighting it, it won’t take you anywhere and at the end you’ll be exhausted, depressed and devastated.

You can never really change who you are, so accept it. Don’t settle, don’t be content but embrace it. There are things about you that no matter how much you wish or how hard you try you’ll never be able to change. So let it go. Find ways to cope with it.

Focus on the good things, those little details that you think make you special and try to be a better person a better friend everyday.

Not everybody will be thoroughly happy, not everyone gets to live the dream but I figured that sometimes you can get your piece just by helping someone get their own.

It’s easier to start a new relationship than too heal one that’s already broken

2011-11-20T23:35:00.004Z

There’s so much more at stake. It’s easier to start fresh again. No past, no history, no deceptions, no mistakes.

You’ll try to hurt me like I’ve hurt you. I’ll try to make up for something I can never take back . We’ll never be even, it would never be the same. We can pretend we’re fine and it may work for a while but somewhere, somehow, sometime it’ll come up to haunt us.

So what’s the point? Is there hope? Are you into this like I am? Can we commit to make this work?

It’s easier to start again but I’m not looking for an easy path. Because everything is wonderful when it’s easy, it’s when it gets tough that really matters. I don’t want to have to give up on this… on you. So what to do?

Let’s put the hate and the blame aside, let’s face it, we both messed up. There’s no turning back, this is the time we’ve got to make a choice. I know that you care so don’t turn your back. If you feel it you have to believe in it.

It’s easier to start a new relationship than to heal one that’s already broken but will it feel the same? Will it ever be as good if you don’t stick around to fight for it?

Maybe it won’t work but I don’t want to be wondering. I don’t want to waste time. Not yours, not mine. There’s so much more out there and if this is not it then we both deserve a chance to find something else to fulfill our hearts. So let’s be honest, let’s be real and bold and fearless. Let’s face it, let’s take it as it comes and deal with it… and who knows, maybe we’ll be pleasantly surprised because more often than we think the best moments and the stronger relationships rise from adversity.

They say everything happens for a reason...

2011-11-18T07:36:00.003Z

They say everything happens for a reason...

I’ve heard it so many times. I probably said it too every now and then, but sometimes I wonder what exactly that’s supposed to mean.

Should we not plan too far in advance because what will be will be? Should we just navigate through life waiting for our fate to come to us?

Is there really always a reason, an explanation for what happened? Did we deserved it? Could we have prevented it? Could we have played it differently? And would that make a difference?

How much of it is under our control?

Don’t know if there’s always a reason… I really don’t. Sometimes it all just feels so unfair so wrong. However, you have to fight. You have to take it and run with it. You can’t let it push you down. You have to get back up and get something out of it.

It’s easy to be successful and happy when everything is going your way, the true challenge is doing it when the whole world is conspiring against you.

You got to be resilient, you got to keep getting back on your feet and believe that in the end it all meant something… and if nothing else, at least it had showed you, once more, that you are stronger than you believe.

No matter what they say you keep believing

2011-11-14T00:25:00.002Z

Today, I watched an amazing Basketball game. It just reminded me how unpredictable life is because you never know what’s going to happen and that inspired me to write this text. Hard work pays back and you just proved that girls. You all SMASHED it today! Congratulations!

Everybody has a dream but only few have the ability to truly fight for it.

I’ve always liked the underdog’s stories. The player that was undrafted, the singer that no one took seriously, the team nobody thought would make it… it’s just fascinating how some people beat the odds and prove everybody wrong.

It’s easy to be overwhelmed by the glamour and the success but if you look past the fame, past the titles and winning records of your idols a lot of the times you’ll find out that they had a really hard time until finally getting they’re break. And that’s what makes the difference. That’s what makes them special. Not the fact that they had an opportunity but that they held to it and didn’t let go.

Regarding Basketball, I told someone today that a great player is not the one that starts the game and plays 40 minutes but the one that embraces every tiny glimpse of chance to shine and I really believe that. You’ll be knocked down, no matter if it’s in Basketball or in life in general, but you got to pick yourself up and fight back. Love what you do, be inspiring. Do it for the love, for the passion, do it for yourself and show everyone else they were wrong about you. Life, just like Basketball, is a game and only the resilient ones will stand at the end. Be confident, not cocky. Be humble, respect your competition. The real talent won’t need to push nobody down, it will stand at its own right.

You’ll never please everybody so don’t mind about them. Obviously some people will know better than you but if you listen to everyone you’ll lose direction and be stuck in the same place. So learn to filter, choose what’s really important, what can make you better and let everything else go.

Know your strengths and work on your weaknesses. Don’t settle, there’s always so much more to do, to learn, to improve. Lead by example. Find someone that’s better than you and let them inspire you. Keep challenging yourself, keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and believe that you can make a difference.

It’s all about control and balance

2011-11-12T22:47:00.000Z

I can feel it, I try to ignore it but it keeps trying to allure me back. I know me… I know these symptoms… I’ve been here before. It’s different now, I’m different (!) I can fight it now, at least for a while. There was a time I was so alone, so sad, so disappointed that I just didn’t care. So I would run away and lock myself in that little world of mine every chance I would get. I was safe there, I was loved but most important… I was able to love. The thing was I was getting lost there and it was getting harder and harder to get back to real life everytime. The gap between these two realities was too wide and it kept expanding. I would be mad everytime I would be pulled out of my dreams, I would get frustrated ‘cause I was craving my dreams. I was desperate a lot of the times, wondering if the pain would ever go away.

But I’ve changed… don’t know why, or how, or when but I’m more peaceful about the whole thing now. I’m not happy, I honestly don’t believe I’ll ever be but I’m content… I just came to acceptance that this wonderful world I created can’t ever be, and somehow I’ll have to learn to survive out here on my own. It’s not like I don’t wish for that breathtaking moment, for that hug to keep me save, that warm smile that can make my day or that little wink that says “I believe in you! You can do it”… I would be lying if I would say otherwise. But it’s almost a platonic dream… something that even though I wish much harder than I would like to admit I kind of know it’s never going to happen… But still I can’t let that go. Again, I know myself, I know I can‘t live without my world. I can’t even imagine not having that shelter, that secret safe place that because it remains unknown nobody can destroy.

I just have to figure out a way to balance it. Because even though I know I can be happy there, staying too long, going too frequently, too deep makes me alienate people even more and gets me farther away from the real world. So I have to set boundaries and I’m getting a little better at it.

I still hear it calling me, I feel it coming in tides. But I’m aware now, I know the deeper I go the tougher is going to be to get out of it again. I can fight it a little bit… how much? For how long? I don’t know. But I’m working on it and yes I still have those moments when I don’t wanna cope with anything, when I just want to run back there and hide. But that’s okay, truth is I don’t want it to go away completely ‘cause it’s part of who I am, who I’ve become.

Dare to dream through my eyes

2011-11-07T01:30:00.001Z

Life is a constant fight

You’ll fall, you’ll get hurt

You’ll disappoint and be disappointed

But you’ll find it’s all worth it

You can’t control what happens to you

But you can choose to use it in your favor

Get your head up, keep your dreams close

Hold on tight, it will all be gone soon

Dare to dream through my eyes

Let me show you everything it’s going to be all right

1 of 2 Dreams of my life

2011-11-01T00:52:00.001Z

Here, there, everywhere.

Walking, riding, flying.

Country, city, beach or snow.

Rich or poor.

I just wanna go.

See other places.

Meet other cultures.

Feel that you belong even when you don’t.

From Paris to Milano, Philippines to Egypt.

I want to know them all.

Is there anything better than travel?

Loyalty

2011-10-27T06:26:00.000+01:00

What is loyalty?

To whom we owe it?

How far can we take it?

How far should we take it?

Some people win our loyalty naturally. They're sweet, they're genuine, they're just good people. They are people we love and care about and that we couldn't let down. People that no matter what happens know that we have their back. People who we would even consider to betray. It's easy to be loyal to those people.

But what happens when that's not the case?

What to do if someone that you don't particulary like or are not particulary close to tells you something private? Or if you find out something that you think other people should know but that are been kept secret?

Do you have a right to tell?

What if whatever it is generates conflict?

If the line between your loyalty to one person and the other is so fine that you're not able to see it clearly. Do you have the right to choose the one you love the most and break someone else's trust?

And if you've never asked to be trusted with anything to start with? Does it still count? Are you still supposed remain hush?

Who are you to decide who deserves loyalty and who doesn't?

Is it fair to deny loyalty to someone? Doesn't everybody deserve a chance?

“A vida seria melhor sem...”

2011-10-24T01:30:00.003+01:00

Note: Again I apologize to all international readers but there’s no translation for the word “saudade” so this one really had to be written in Portuguese.

Há pouco alguém pedia para completar a frase “A vida seria melhor sem...” ao que alguém respondeu “saudades” e fez-me pensar.

“Saudade” é um conceito tão vago... há saudades e saudades. Há a saudade dos momentos felizes do passado, saudades daquelas pessoas que nem sabemos bem porquê deixámos escapar das nossas vidas, saudades de alguém que está longe, saudades de quem está perto mas não da forma como desejamos, saudades de quem não vamos ver mais e saudades de quem se foi de repente sem a hipótese de uma despedida e não vai mais voltar.

Ninguém gosta de sentir saudade, pelo menos não no momento. Dói, por vezes desespera . É algo incontrolável que não obstante o mais que tentemos não conseguimos ignorar ou disfarçar. É algo que vem de dentro, que não se explica, que por vezes não tem razão. Temos saudades de pessoas que conhecemos recentemente, saudades daqueles que nos magoaram, saudades de quem sabemos que não pode ficar, saudades de quem não queríamos ter. A saudade é um sentimento intenso e irracional. Vai e vem, em marés, é imprevisível. É algo que se apodera de nós quando menos esperamos, que parece desvanecer-se e que volta a atacar em força quando acreditamos que já a tínhamos superado. É um sentimento que pode ficar adormecido por meses, anos até e ser despertado pela mais insignificante lembrança e nos derrubar de novo.

Mas seria de facto a vida melhor sem saudade?

A saudade é tudo isso mas é também o que nos recorda o quanto gostamos daquelas pessoas, o quanto aqueles momentos a que não demos o devido valor nos marcaram e que nos ensina a aproveitar todos os momentos como se fossem os últimos.

E quando a distancia se dissipa e o reencontro ocorre? E quando se relembram os velhos tempos e se partilham gargalhadas? E quando olhamos para trás e vemos que apesar do caminho difícil foram essas experiências que nos fizeram o que somos hoje? Será que tudo isso teria o mesmo valor se não houvesse saudade?

Teria aquele abraço apertado do teu melhor o mesmo impacto? Aquele beijo de quem amas o mesmo sabor? Teria aquela noitada passada a jogar conversa fora o mesmo interesse? Perceberias tu finalmente o que realmente é importante na vida?

Sim, penso que poderíamos viver se não existisse saudade mas não sei se seria melhor.

Random Scene - Part II of II

2011-10-21T23:12:00.003+01:00

Rachel didn’t say anything else. She liked him. She was willing to put up with all the press frenzy but she couldn’t force him to have a relationship with her. She tried to understand his point of view. For the last two months they had been seeing eachother almost every day. They had talked about a lot of stuff and even shared private feelings. But still until that day he had kept his past secret. So if it had been so hard for him to open up to her it had to be terrifying to imagine his life being excruciated in the public eye.

“I’m being selfish” – she admitted – “this is my life, I chose it. I mean, not the gossiping and all that, but I knew it would be a consequence. But you didn’t. And I understand that you don’t want that for your life.”

She was being honest. She really understood him. A lot of times she had wished nobody knew who she was. But it was ironic how most of times she had to worry about people only getting close to her because of her fame and this time it was the opposite. Being famous was becoming a curse.~

“It’s not about that Rachel” – it wasn’t. He was sure he wouldn’t exactly enjoy all the attention. But he was genuinely worried about her.

Rachel was facing down. Defeated. He lightly pulled her chin up to face her – “Think about it….”

“You’re thinking too much” – she moaned.

“And you’re not thinking at all” – he said tenderly – “Sweetheart, I know it feels good. I wish things were different too. But even if we decided to give it a try in 4 months I’ll be gone.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that.”

“You know it does. I have Lea back in Portugal. And you have your life and your work here. It wouldn’t work.”

“Why can’t we just enjoy the time we have and think about all that when the time comes?” – Rachel asked. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering how it could have been. She wanted at least to give it a chance.

“Why are you willing to face all the media and all it’s going to come for something that might not work?” – he admired her. Hayley had broken his heart and left definitive marks. But in spite all that happen with Chase Rachel somehow still manage to be open to love.

“Because there’s never guarantees in love. I agree with you babe, the odds are against us but maybe we can make it work. Trust me I’m aware of all that’s going to come but I’m willing to go through all of it, to try. The question is, are you?” – she asked looking him in the eyes.

“I’m just trying to protect you” – he explained – “I don’t want to mess up your life.”

“What if nobody knew?” – she said suddenly.

“What?”

“We could keep it private. We don’t need to tell anyone. We can give it a try. See how it goes without having to deal with all that pressure.”

He smiled. She had found a way around it – “Let’s do that” – he agreed.

They kissed passionately and Rachel gently nibbled his full lips. David pulled her towards him and slowly passed his hands over her body caressing every inch of it.

He whispered tender words on her ear and she let him know how much she wanted him. Rachel wrapped her arms around his neck and he kindly picked her up. Carrying her into the bedroom David laid her on the bed and looked her in the eyes. With his fingers he appreciated the beautiful features of her face. The deep brown eyes, her mile-long eyelashes, her gorgeous smile and those sexy dimples, everything about her was perfect.

Pulling off his shirt David laid on top of her sliding his hands under her top. Grabbing her perfectly toned thighs he kissed her stomach smoothly. Rachel rolled over and sat on top of him. Running her hands through is bare torso she kissed his chest. She felt his hands on her back while his strong arms embraced her. He kissed her shoulders as she felt herself melting and their bodies becoming one.

“I don’t ever want to leave this room” – she told him afterwards snuggled on his arms and resting her head on his chest.

Her alabaster skin contrasted nicely with the dark chocolate tone of his body.

He kissed her forehead rubbing her shoulder gently with the tips of his finger – “If only we could…”

Random Scene - Part I of II

2011-10-20T06:47:00.001+01:00

They cuddled in the couch forgetting about the world outside. For the first in almost two months they had finally gave in to their feelings and it felt so right. They both knew they had to talk but neither of them wanted to end that moment.

Rachel was lying on top him resting her head on his chest. With his left arm around her he fondled her hair gently. With the other hand he played with her fingers. She could feel his heartbeat, he was peaceful now.

“We can’t do this…” - he finally said.

She sighed.

“Sweetheart, I don’t like it more than you do but we have to face it.” – he insisted.

She knew he was right. She took a deep breath and sat down.

“Okay, let’s talk about it” – she had a feeling this was not going to be an easy talk.

“We can’t be together…” - he started.

“Stop saying that!” – she supplicated.

“It’s true.”

“Why? Why does it have to be like that? Why can’t you even consider it?” – she asked him.

It was hard enough to convince himself they’d have no chances together, David wasn’t sure if he would be strong enough to convince her too.

“Come on Rachel you know I’m right. We have to be rational.”

“I don’t want to be rational. I want you” – she argued – “and unless you don’t want to be with me I don’t understand why we shouldn’t be together.”

“You’re honestly telling me that after all I’ve told you about my life, about me, you didn’t change your mind?”

“Change my mind about what? I don’t care about your past babe. I like you for who you are. I probably respect you even more now that I know all that you’ve been through and how you still managed to become the wonderful person you are today.”

He had imagined different scenarios on how Rachel would react when she found out the truth about him but not in a thousand years he was expecting it to be like this.

“Remember how it was with Chase” – David told her.

“What?” – now she was confused - “why are you even bringing that up? It’s a totally different situation.”

“I know. I’m just saying that I remember how crazy you told me it was. Everyone talking about your life. People making up stories about you, pushing you down…”

“So?” – she asked.

“So, what do you think it will happen once they find out you’re dating an ex-drug dealer with alcoholic history?”

She was starting to get his point.

“I don’t care” – Rachel said calmly – “I don’t. I’ve tried too hard to please everybody. It’s never going to happen. So I don’t want to waste anything else in my life because of that.”

“You told me that things were finally settling down and that it felt good. You don’t need this publicity now” – he insisted.

“Do you want to know what I need? I need people to stop making decisions for me!” – she freaked out. Then calming herself down added – “I need people to see me as a regular girl. I need someone that cares about me. I need to be loved. That’s what I need.”

David looked at her. She was right. Behind that famous, perfect and gorgeous woman there was a lonely girl desperately trying to find love.

“I get what you’re saying” - he said – “and you deserve all that. But sweetheart, I just don’t think this is it” – it killed him to have to say those words.

To be continued...

E se...

2011-10-18T09:28:00.001+01:00

Note: I apologize to my international readers but due to a special request this post will be in Portuguese. The main language of this blog is and will continue to be English so please come back for future updates J

E se um dia acordar e tu não estiveres aqui? Se nada for igual e tudo o que tomo por garantido se tiver desvanecido, e apenas eu permanecer aqui perdida neste imenso universo repleto de gente demasiado egocêntrica e preocupada com tudo excepto o que realmente importa?

Nós amamos, amamos amar e amamos gritar ao mundo que amamos, contudo, no nosso quotidiano raros são os momentos que reservamos para fazê-lo com total entrega.

A humanidade tem feito fantásticas descobertas ao longo do tempo, mas continuamos sem perceber uma das questões mais básicas da vida ... a sua efemeridade! Banalizamos o tempo e julgamos que ele se encontra sempre ao nosso dispor, enaltecemos trivialidades e desprezamos os verdadeiras razões da nossa existência e no final todos nos arrependemos por tudo o que ficou por fazer e dizer.

For life

2011-10-16T23:02:00.000+01:00

How many times do we have to lose

Something important to get the clue?

Some things aren’t meant to be understood

They are just like they should

I am so glad you are in my life

‘Cause you always manage to make smile

I’ll always carry you in my heart

Don’t matter how long we are apart

I’ll tell you once, I’ll tell you twice

I don’t want you to have any doubt

I like you and I want you near

‘Cause you’re my friend and I’ll need you here

Those little moments that we shared

What we have can’t be compared

So there’s no gap too wide

That could prevent me to be by your side

P.S - Inspired by a very special Birthday message from my "Feia" ;)

Always here

2011-10-13T03:47:00.004+01:00

Everywhere you’ll go I’ll be there

No matter what you do I’ll always care

You don’t have to play it strong

You don’t have to face it alone

I love you honey I’ll be here

Reach for me ‘cause I’ll be near

There’s nothing to fear

We'll make it all disappear

You think I don’t notice

You’re breaking in pieces

Pain takes over, hope gets lost

When is it going to stop?

Honey believe in me

We’ll get through this

You know no matter what

Babe I've got your back

Don’t let go, just hold on tight

I know it's feels bad

But don’t you turn your back

I’ll be your light in the dark night

I won’t let you drown

I’ll always be around

Everyday night and day

I promise I’ll make it allright

...

2011-10-10T22:13:00.000+01:00

It’s like looking at a train wreck. Knowing it’s going to crash and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Watching you drowning… everyday a little bit deeper. Trying to reach you but always feeling I’m an inch too short. I try to get my head around in desperation to find where it all went wrong. Where we missed…

Don’t get. Do not get it.

I miss that little boy I grew up with, that feisty kid with a gentle smile. Where is he? What have you done with him? Will we ever get him back?

I look at you hoping to get a glimpse of him. But that sparkle in your eyes is harder to find everytime.

How to accept this is it? Why can’t you swallow that stupid pride and let the people that love you help you? Why does it always have to be a big deal? Why does it all has to be a part of a massive conspiracy where the whole world unites to push you down?

Will always wonder how much it really messed you up and how much it’s all just an excuse to screw up your own life and play the victim.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the love.

Man up and admit you know we care.

Unlike you believe none of us will ever give up. But there’s only so much people can do for you. It gets to a point that it’s up to you.

Endings and beginnings

2011-10-07T19:49:00.003+01:00

To everything there’s a beginning and an end.

There’s no chance of running from it. That’s life.

To everything there’s an ending.

There’s no point of crying over it.

From everything that happens in your life you get something.

Grab it. Save it. Take it with you.

Don’t hate it because it’s over. Don’t denigrate what it was or the importance it had for you.

Embrace the change. Have the courage and the audacity to admit it was special and that hurts that it’s over.

Be wise. Know that things are never as we think they are.

Don’t get mad with the world. Don’t try to destroy what it was, what you had.

What happened happened and no one can take that away from you.

Learn to take the best of every single thing, the best of everyone that’s a part of your life.

Be oblivious to the rest. Figure if it’s worth the fight, the trouble, the pain.

If it is, then give it all of you. If it’s not just let it go.

Sometimes no matter how much we wish it would work it just doesn’t. Don't let it hold you bad.

You’re bigger than that. Greater than all that.

Keep in mind that sometimes an ending is just the start of a new beginning. You’ll get your happy ending too.

“Don’t know how to take criticism without feeling hated”*

2011-10-05T23:14:00.001+01:00

Cold feet. Doubts. Anxiety.

Support vs. pressure. Pride vs. shame.

Mix of feelings running through my head.

It’s done now. Pretty much finished. But what to do with it? Where to take it?

I’m glad I wrote it, I never thought I could pull it off. These plots have been a part of my life ever since I remember. They’re very clear in my head but actually bringing them out had always seemed impossible.

I’m quite happy with the final result. It’s closer to it than I ever thought possible. It makes sense to me. I know the characters I know their strengths and weaknesses, their fears, their pain. But will someone else get it? Why would people have any interest in these crazy stories I think about? I can’t write about unimaginable worlds, or fantasy or great heroes. I write about the (not so) simple everyday life, with relationships and obstacles we all have. Trivial stuff to some but an issue that fascinates me.

I don’t know who would get it. Not even I get myself at times, what goes through my head, how fast it goes and why.

I’m not good with criticism. I have a hard time hearing it at not taking it too personally. Especially with something like this, so personal, so special. It’s one thing to get it out of my head and put it on paper. That alone was a big challenge. Now, make it public? Putting it out there? Expose it? Not sure if I can go that far.

* Title by Idina Menzel – Penny

When there's nothing to get

2011-10-03T01:27:00.001+01:00

Sometimes there’s no reason, no logic. It just comes and swipes you down. You don’t see it coming, you can’t get why it happened. You can spend hours looking back, rationalizing, trying to get it, but you won’t. It’s not fair, it doesn’t make sense. It hurt, breaks you apart. You’re left in tiny little pieces. Crying, wondering, why? You want to get back to what it was. You don’t want to believe it was all vain.

You’re having troubles believing that’s who he really was. You couldn’t be that wrong. Was it really just a game? How much of it was true? And you hate him but you love him. And you want to scream and hit him but you still wish he would just take you in his arms and tell you it was all just a nightmare. You go to sleep wishing the world will play it’s magic and everything will be fine again. You don’t even want it to be perfect anymore you just want it not to be gone.

How to survive this? How to recover? You toss and turn trying to understand where it all went wrong. You try to excuse him it’s too humiliating to be that naïve. You kick yourself down, you blame it on you too. Where did you fail? It’s unbearable to imagine this pain will last forever. No-one can understand how broken your heart feels. They tell you to move on but that seems so crazy. How can you ever believe again? What’s the point of going through all of it again? Everyone is saying it’ll get better, that eventually the pain will fade away. But when you’re so damaged inside that day sees never come. All you want to do is runaway and vanish, away from all the stares, away from all the pity. You just want someone to come and hold you like when you were a child and protect you from the world and reassure you you’ll be fine. Just someone that understands and that doesn’t try to fix it. Someone that gives you all the time and doesn’t try to push it. You don’t want to hear you’ll find someone else, because you don’t want anybody anymore. You just want that person to be quiet and hug you, so in spite all that happen you’ll feel a ray of love and hope.

First Song

2011-10-02T18:48:00.002+01:00

Player turned in to a song ;)

Player - click the link to check it out.

Lyrics: Me
Music and Voice: Marcos Mateus

Note: Big thanks to Marco.

Player

2011-09-29T05:14:00.000+01:00

I don’t know what I’m writing

But I’ve got to let it flow

I can’t help but thinking

This is the only way to go

You've promised me the world

And I took your word for it

Then I saw you with that girl

And it just left me heartbroken

You look me in the eyes,

Tell me how much you love me

Then you go and fool around

When are you stopping with the lies?

Why did you fight for me?

Why did you make me believe?

If all you ever wanted

Was somebody to play with?

It hurts to be lied to

It’s humiliating to be cheated

But what really hurts the most

It’s when you have to stop believing

You had me by your side

And you just messed it up

So don’t you dare to come back

‘Cause I still have my pride

I loved you all along

I would have made you happy

So I hope you really think

That she was that much better

I wish you all the best

Even though you acted wrong

In the end it was just a test

And I’ll end it up that much strong

"Young homie (…) looking at life, like how did i get it wrong, life's too short gotta live it long"*

2011-09-23T12:55:00.002+01:00

Once in a while your life gets crossed with a story that just touches you deep inside your heart. Not because it’s unique but because it represents what so many others had gone through and gives you a glimpse of hope.

Good people fall in the wrong path every day, some reject the people who want to support them others don’t have support at all. We see them every day on the streets, lost in the nights, we look at them, we may even take a second or two to pity them, but the next moment something more interesting comes along and we’ll forget them.

Can we make a change? Can we play that life changing part in someone’s life?

Do they have a choice? Is it all part of an evil and utterly twisted bigger plan?

How to understand it? How to fight for this people? How to help them without letting them taking advantage of you? What’s the right thing to do in these situations?

Is it ever fair to give up on someone? Though we all love these happy ending stories truth is that they only represent a small part of the reality. So what are we to do?

This is not just about one life. It consumes everyone that’s around you and that cares about you. People that will always have their lives limited because of you. People that will live in fear of getting that phone call…

I believe a fight like this is never over. There will always be temptations. There will always be something to push you down. And you’ll have to dig deep and fight hard so you won’t drown.

Some people get that one opportunity that can make the difference and change their whole lives. But it’s not enough to get it, you’ll have to take it!

* Title by Chris Rene – Young Homie

Note: Chris Rene is one of the contestants of the new X Factor USA. Check him out if you get a chance. Hope he’ll follow the pact and keep it strong.

2011-09-22T01:15:00.003+01:00

It’s all in your hands. You have the power to change things. It’s not always easy, it’s not always fair but you can make a difference. It’s not about the life you were given it’s about what you chose to do with it.

Face it. Be strong. Try harder. Try to be happy.

Como explicar-te?

2011-09-17T04:42:00.000+01:00

Because there are things you like, things you love and things that you simply cannot live without.

“Como explicar este jogo chamado Basketball?

Como explicar-te o que é amor se nunca vestiste a camisola da tua equipa?

Como explicar-te o que é prazer se nunca ganhaste um ‘clássico’?

Como explicar-te o que é a dor se nunca perdeste um jogo no último segundo?

Como explicar-te o que é carinho se nunca sentiste a bola com a ponta dos dedos?

Como explicar-te o que é solidariedade se nunca deste uma ajuda numa defesa individual?

Como explicar-te o que é poesia se nunca deixaste os teus adversários desorientados com um ‘crossover’?

Como explicar-te o que é amizade se nunca fizeste uma assistência?

Como explicar-te o que é pânico se nunca perdeste um jogo depois de estar a ganhar por 20 pontos?

Como explicar-te o que é morrer um bocado se nunca perdeste uma final?

Como explicar-te o que é esforço se nunca deste o máximo para recuperar uma bola?

Como explicar-te o que é egoísmo se nunca lançaste quando devias ter passado a um colega melhor posicionado?

Como explicar-te o que é arte se nunca inventaste uma assistência espectacular?

Como explicar-te o que é música se nunca cantaste para incentivar os teus companheiros?

Como explicar-te o que é o ódio se nunca perdeste a bola que resolveu o jogo?

Como explicar-te o que é a vida se nunca jogaste basket?”

(Autor Desconhecido)

Some things cannot be explained. Either you feel it or you don’t. So much of what I am today is because of my experience as a Basketball Player. I’m grateful that I’ve been giving the opportunity to live it all and still be part of this world. Wish everybody could share this kind of love for something.

That's what it is all about

2011-09-14T06:16:00.002+01:00

It’s not about the power or the money or your possessions.

It’s not about being skinny and gorgeous and a fashion icon.

It’s not about your muscles, your hair and your ego.

It’s about what you do with all of that.

It’s not all about taking sides

It’s not all about being on top

It’s not all about winning

It’s all about life

It’s not what they do for you it’s about what you do for everyone else

It’s not what they give you it’s what you can learn from them

It’s not about what you disagree it’s about what unites you

It’s not about how different you are it’s about being equal

It’s not about agreeing with every choice they make it’s about support

It’s not about pleasing everybody it’s about knowing what you want

It’s not about being popular it’s about being loved

It’s not about being the center of attention it’s about being you

It’s not a matter of who’s the best

It’s not a matter of getting revenge

It’s not a matter of being perfect

It is just about owning your own self

“I've learned so much from my mistakes… I'm thinking of making some more” *

2011-09-13T04:10:00.003+01:00

And why the hell not?

Mistakes are overrated. We take them too serious. We try so hard to get everything perfect all the time that we underestimate what we can learn from them.

I’m not saying you should not think before you act or deliberately misbehave. Those don’t count. But since mistaking is inevitable why shouldn’t we get the most out of it?

Life’s too short and if we spend the whole time moaning about where we messed up we are messing up again because we’ll be losing something better.

Most mistakes will lose significance with time and you’ll end up remembering them someday I wonder why you were so troubled by them before.

No-one can guarantee you what’s the right road to choose. So listen to your heart. Go with your guts. Take advice in consideration but filter what really matters. You and only you are responsible for your actions and your choices.

So think about it, make your calls and if it doesn’t work, just let it go. Complaining will take you nowhere.

* Title by Cheryl Cole

Can I?

2011-09-06T12:03:00.002+01:00

I’m freezing up I’m scare to death
It’s not worth the pain but I can’ help that

It’s so uncanny, so irrational

This fear I have of a greater fall

Can’t tame myself, what am I to do?

It takes over me so rapidly

I know I’ll regret if I let it win

But I can’t prevent, I’m caving in

Can I be feisty?

Can I be perky?

Show me how I can became

All that I never was

How to get that strength

When feeling so insecure

Wanna just hide in my bedroom

Where I am safe and sound

Why does it always

Has to come to this?

Why does it everything

As to come to the same end?

Can I be feisty?

Can I be perky?

Show me how I can became

All that I never was

People keep saying

Believe in yourself

But they don’t get

How hard it is for people like us

Would like just for one time

To know how it feels

To forget all the doubts

And fears and just enjoy it

But tell babe how I can reach it, tell me babe how I can have it…

Can I be feisty?

Can I be perky?

Show me how I can became

All I never was

Tumble

2011-09-05T03:01:00.001+01:00

I’m tumbling and falling

Just trying to hang on

I’m frightened and scared

And want someone to hold me

I try to fight back

But it still tries to allure me

I want to let it go

I don’t think I can endure this

Tumbling and running and falling to pieces

Stumbling in thoughts I don’t want to hear

Sometimes I get caught up in my head

I just get lost in these thoughts

Wish I could scream and run instead

But I’m stuck inside my own mind

I stumble through this world

Walking between people

Watching them living their lives

Wondering when it would be my turn

I’m working my butt off

I don’t want to drown

Keeping my head up high

And just try to survive

Tumbling and running and falling to pieces

Stumbling in thoughts I don’t want to hear

But I get caught up in my head

I just get lost in these thoughts

Wish I could scream and run instead

But I’m stuck inside my own mind

Will it ever be enough?

2011-09-01T04:09:00.000+01:00

How much is enough? When do we know that we’ve asked enough, that we had our share?

Life should come with an user guide… where all the important details were just a few pages away. Or they (whoever they are) should’ve created a support line:

“Good Morning, you’re calling Life’s Technical Support. How may I assist you today?”

Where we could find specially trained people to give us accurate answers to our life’s dilemmas. That would make it so much easier, wouldn’t it?

Sure, you can say that that would not be fun, that the point of it all is to take a risk, take a chance on people… but I don’t know…

Sometimes it just feels that we should know if it’s worth the fight, the pain, the hard work. And if we knew that we already had our share of love, joy, friendship, then we didn’t had to waste time with people that will only make us hurt.

Wicked

2011-08-30T00:37:00.002+01:00

Idina Menzel as Elphaba in Wicked (The Broadway Musical)

I’ve just finished reading Wicked for the second time and I’m so depressed. Part of it is because I like the feeling of having something that draws me into it, and now it’s gone. But it’s also the feeling of injustice that’s attached to it. And yes, I know it’s just a book, a story, that someone made up the whole thing, that those are not real people… But it’s a good representation of reality. That is what happen in real life, people don’t always get what they deserve. Some really amazing people hide behind these masks and no-one can really see them. Some people are seen as evil, vindictive, heartless… but is there something more inside them? Is that really who they are? Why they’ve become like that?

It kills me knowing that a lot of people experience that pain Elphie represents. That more often than we’d like to believe people are discriminated and bullied and… hurt. And we don’t even realize it. Or we pretend not to. It is just a book, but the story is real and it shows us that no-one is completely good, just like very likely no-one is utterly evil.

It makes you think how you act everyday, what’s your attitude towards people – different people.

It opens your eyes… at least it opened mine. Things are not exactly how they seem and you have to take the time to get to know the person, the circumstances to make your own opinion about it.

Be careful with first with first impressions, they can be deceiving. Give it a chance. Don’t just follow everybody else. Have the guts to be different, to be fair, stand up for it if you believe it and just try to be a better person everyday.